Ok, so have been deferring this entry for the past 2-3 days
on the context of being tired/exhausted/sleepy etc. etc. But not anymore. Not
that I am not yawning today as well, going out in the Kolkata summer gets my
head aching every time, nevertheless I am gradually adapting to it.
Surprisingly, there’s hardly much heat, it is around 30 degree C in the
evening. What matters is the humidity, so much like that Vidya lady of Kahaani,
I travel around with a bottle of water (the magenta one I got from Mysore when
I was taking the training there). Firstly it is colourful, it kinda brightens
up my environment, and secondly, it gives me this distinct “confused foreigner”
touch – as I am not yet fully prepared to become one with the city, I quite
like that…
Well, where do I begin? Monday night perhaps? When I
received this inconsequential and unsolicited sms from my ex college crush.
Gentleman writes a funny line “My wife has given birth to a baby girl”. See, in
a general situation this wouldn’t have mattered to me. But I am going through a
hurtful time right now. I just remembered how this guy had played around with
me and was always shy of commitment citing 1000+1 reasons like I don’t belong
to his community to he is not yet established. But he never let go of me. I
stopped talking to him after college, he sought me and came to meet up with me
in the university, was in touch all the while in between (we even met once in
SG airport), till he marries this pretty girl from his so called community.
Well, that time I was not exactly lonely, I didn’t mind that much. Some years
down the line, I got to know one day, as I wished him on his birthday (this I
always maintained – I even wished him last month – but ya, I will discontinue
that henceforth – why? I just don’t feel like keeping friends anymore) – that
he’s not having good terms with his wife. She is greedy about a good lifestyle,
and doesn’t want to stay with his parents, wants abroad trips and all every
year, etc. And then, I don’t know from where, came the obvious comparison. You
would have been happy with only a few story books, you are so different from
her. Men, I tell you. And so typical of me, I counseled him about how to win
her back. And here they are, supposedly having made a baby. Ha ha, though his
sms gave all the credit to the wife, so much so that I dreamt that night of his
wife having a test tube baby and all (you know the usual IVF funda). Whatever,
I was not happy – repeating my typicality, I would have sent a congratulatory
message immediately, but I stopped myself. Ever watched মেঘ কালো? I remembered
the movie. Here I am, no job, no marriage, no remote possibility of a baby, a
dead Rupai haunting me all the while. What’s there to be happy about your own
once upon a time boyfriend’s baby. It could have been my baby, could have added
some meaning and some value to my otherwise worthless existence. But no, men
can only flirt with me.
With all that IVF dream, I woke up late on Tuesday morning,
came downstairs, and mom informed me about some free course on entrepreneurship,
to be conducted in the American Center the day after. I was reluctant to sign
up for it. The previous day, I had spoken to a senior guy from my last place of
work, about joining back. I wanted to wait for that, and join back with
whatever condition they impose on me. Frankly, the prospect of an embracing
Kolkata was drying up for me. Bangalore would be equally unwelcoming, but I’d
have some occupation, you know, which would translate to some self esteem. But
then all day passed, with me lazing about, and no information from the other
end. Then, just out of sheer boredom, I logged in to edx.org and signed up for
the course. I had no idea about the time when the discussion would start, I
just checked the net and found that the American Center is open from 10 am to 6
pm. I decided to turn up at 10 itself. There was one more news about the
hangouts server hanging from time to time, don’t know if it was a result of
that, but at around 7 pm I got a message from office about the preliminary
discussions. As expected, constraints were there, as of now, on the domain of
work, but I knew it’d later get on to the offered salary and another 100 odd
things. But such was my desperation at that time that nothing mattered. I
sms-ed saying I am ok with any domain of work – there is no preference on
banking.
Well, the next morning, with a lot of loathing in my mind, I
got up early (it was as usual me coaxing myself – get up baby, we have to at
least try to live – all that usual bull shit). The excitement was in taking the
metro ride to Maidan. I was taking the metro after a long time, and then for
the first time during the office hour rush. Well, I hardly knew the adventure
that’d follow. My phone rang when I was busy observing the metro crowd. It was
my colleague. Frankly, I couldn’t hear half the things he was saying, and as we
went down underground, the signal snapped. Soon I reached the American Center, and
found they have strange security rules – like they won’t allow the back pack
in. So with my diary, wallet, water bottle, pen, mobile and keys I had to get
inside – precariously balancing everything, I moved a bit here and there, only
to know that the discussion is scheduled at 3:30 pm. I gave a return call to the person, and what
I could gather this time around is, he is trying elsewhere, so that I can stay
in Kolkata itself. He advised me to hold on a bit, and if nothing else works
out, he’d resume the discussions with my previous organization. Well, what
could I say? For a while I felt like this child from whom everyone is busy
hiding the candy. Then I snapped out of it. There were more pressing things.
Like what to do for the next 5 and ½ hours? If I go back home there was no
coming back, no sir, I didn’t have that much enthusiasm. And I had no idea how
else to spend time in that alien area. I asked one indifferent lady, if she
would mind if I sit down in the reception area, and she exclaimed, “why should
I mind?” (me and my politeness can get on anybody’s nerve including mine).
Well, then I gave a call to dad – and he just advised me to visit the museum.
Frankly speaking, I had no idea then that it’d turn out to be such a good
suggestion. Now that I come to think of it, probably it was the only place you
could explore alone – and so I did. Each small coin, each broken statue (I saw
this statue of Karthikeya - the God with his peacock, and I was like Boo Boo :-( :-( :-( ), each handicraft, and
each specimen of evolution. And then there was the Egypt room, and the 4500
year old mummy. You visit such a place, you get a welcome respite from you day
to day monotony. Your troubles seem insignificant for a while. They are however
not erased, mind you. For as I was having my lunch in Dominos afterwards, I was
so jittered that I didn’t even see the men sign on the toilet. One guy warned
me and then only I apologized and moved to the ladies’ room. May be one more
example of how things stay in your head. If I remember correctly, in the
Dominos near our office, there was only one common toilet, and that memory
stayed on, replacing my common sense. So, as I was walking about aimlessly, an
old friend and colleague called. She was in Kolkata, wanted to meet up – could
I come over the next day? Wow, for a person who had zero activity for the last
few months, it was two consecutive days of outing. I gladly agreed and said I’d
go in the morning itself. Finally, I did attend the discussion as well, heard
this speech from someone who has founded “Calcutta Walks” – where he walks
around with people and explores Calcutta (much like the walking tours in
Prague, but I’d have never believed that people would be willing to walk in
this heat). Also I got a free membership to the library there. While I was
attending the discussion, the next call came. It was from my university senior
– and I said I’d call back later. Came back home and my head was literally
splitting. Somehow managed to call him before I’d retire, and there he was,
asking me to meet him regarding some work, which was temporary, and money he
couldn’t promise. Could I meet him at 4 o’ clock in the afternoon? Now, all
this was turning out to be too much for me. My friend’s home was a 2hrs one way
journey, I couldn’t probably go there, visit her, come back, and visit him all
in a day’s time. And this looked important. However insignificant, this looked
like work. So I cancelled the previous plan, rather rescheduled it to Friday.
I was skeptical to say the least – I had no idea whether
this was any credible job at all. So much so that at 1:30 I decided to take a
small nap and put the alarm at 3. However I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm
went off, hurriedly took a bath, got ready and set off for the University. Our
family account is on the adjacent bank, which closes sharply at 4. I had to
update a passbook to check if the e banking transfer is working properly from
granny’s pension account to her savings account (this and all I have been doing
regularly – trying to automate as much as possible – so that they don’t need to
go out for every single thing). So, I entered the bank at 3:59 and was just in
time to get my work done. Yes the transfer reached the intended account. Happy,
I called my senior, and he asked me to call back in 10 minutes. I took a small
walk around the university and entered it through the next gate (it has, I
guess some 4 odd gates). The holi celebrations were still on, some students
still looked colorful. Girls were visibly thinner than the usual dimensions
you see with working ladies (I remember being that thin 10 years ago). They
were visibly the studious type, discussing about question papers and Xerox and
lectures missed. But then there was this distinct flavor of politics which was
never so conspicuous when I studied there. Of course I was a PG student and
typically UG students indulge more in politics. I called once again and the
call went unanswered. I decided to play Candy Crush, and after a while finally
got hold of the guy. Yes, there is a job, the university website is being
redesigned, and I need to be the information manager. The project gets over on
15th April. Temporary job and no discussion on the compensation part. I need to
go there from Monday, 24th March, but I need to get a final confirmation on
Sunday night.
Frankly speaking, I was neither delighted, nor stirred by
the opportunity. I was kinda happy, happy in a neutral sort of way, way life
has become these days. I came back home and went for the usual grocery shopping
with dad, but ya, the one noticeable difference was, once again I had a good
night’s sleep. The next day, I got up and got ready to visit my friends’ house.
Once you travel by metro, you would hardly opt for any other mode of transport.
Albeit a little expensive, the comfort you get is even more than cabs. So I
took the bus to the nearest metro station. Asking at the ticket counter for a
ticket to Shyambazar itself gave me goosebumps. Me, the incorrigibly romantic
me. I don’t need an iPod on journeys these days. I get so little scope of
socializing that observing the various people in public transport takes all my
time. Reached the station and crossed the road to catch another bus (my friend
stays in the far north of the city, and I in the far south). It was in front of
some Srish Chandra college – various people were unnecessarily making noise
around a small Maruti car, and so many white uniformed traffic policemen stood
on watching and doing nothing. Then my bus came, some bus of route number 3. I
got down at the designated stop and followed her directions to her house. Much
the same way I had visited my old school friend’s house in Golpark, but
distance wise this was like 10 times. It was fun playing with my friend’s
kiddo, whom I had seen as this new born baby. Such a lovely boy of 4 years he
is now. Kids usually get fond of me without me trying too hard, probably
because I being equally childish in many ways, treat them as an adult. So we
had this instant camaraderie and had a good afternoon together. With each
relative stepping into her house and she introducing me as “my friend, not
exactly friend, she was my junior in office” – once in a while I felt, can’t
she do away with that bit? Is it so difficult to call someone just friend, without
any qualifier? One more thing that particularly struck me during our tete-a-tete was when she said, there are positive people on earth, who exude so much
of good energy that they keep making new friends, whereas their old friends are
also retained. Is it? Then what am I? A negative person, because I keep losing
my friends? No matter how genuinely I feel about them? Then, evening and it was
time to go. This time, I took the bus, because, given the current security
condition of the city, who would want to do a 3 stop break journey? It was the
first time I had to remove my gold chain as well, on advice from her family
members. Is north Calcutta even more unsafe
than the south, I wondered. But then came Shyambazar again, north Calcutta in
its typical evening beauty – and I was lost in my reveries again. Why do I love
him so much? It has been 12 years I guess, since we last met. But he still
remains my most favourite person on earth. Each tiny word he spoke to me, I
still cling on to. His lives here somewhere, a house I visited with him. Not
sure if he has returned home yet. He has no idea I am back in the city, I long
for the way he used to comfort me with his mere presence. He doesn’t care, he
has a wife and a daughter. But I know in the innermost core of my heart, that
hundreds of crushes later, if I have realized that I really loved someone, it
is him. I took in the smell of his locality as the bus sped past. It was then
that the first call came. My Driving License is ready. Wow, I said in my mind.
The next call came in sometime later, as I was observing the tiny lamps that
lit up the roadside vegetable vendors’ humble stalls overlooking the EM bypass.
From my ex PM who wanted to sit with his project after a gap of more than a
week. I came home and was tired. Didn’t feel like getting online. I was
wondering, do I have the luxury of ignoring work related discussion like this?
But then, it is my life and my hard earned freedom. My primary condition was, I
won’t have anybody else bossing over me. So I haven’t contacted him till now,
and it is almost 4 pm now.
Morning – and three more good news. A friend has finally
recommended me in her company after much coaxing and that my PF claim has been
processed, money will soon be credited. More money means more interest.
Also my Demat Account has been closed, it was non functional ever since it was opened, it at least saves me the annual rent. Afternoon, I got hold of my DL – dad fetched it on his way back from Karvy. So,
no doubt I have entered a phase of good luck that was long awaited. Now what
remains to be seen is how long it stays.
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