After a long long time, I am staying up in the night and doing something worthwhile. I.e. studying. And in between I am getting a stream of scattered thoughts in my mind. The usual ones. But worth pondering over.
1. Why me? The most basic thought when you are frustrated. But trust me, I try my best to dodge this one. More I dodge, more it will come in my way. E.g. was there any necessity that I discover now that I am not having my degree certificates in my possession? And to top it, I ask my brother to search in the Bangalore house, and he is reluctant. He says that it is my fault and I should suffer for it, he won't take the trouble to help me out. Anyways I am not getting any interview call, I am going for the walk in though there's hardly any opening that kinda matches my skill set, and then too, the HR will never entertain me without my original degree certificates (I have scanned copies and xerox, but I am sure that won't be enough). Tell me how not to think - why me? I have always been careful about my documents, but the degree certificates had to be attested for my Czech work permit, and during that time, I might have separated them from the bunch of other academic documents. When did I have the time to arrange things? I was virtually living out of a suitcase, the foreign trips and the home trips, and a relationship on the rocks chipped in that was all set to drain me of my life force.
2. How much more? Really, I don't find an end to my troubles. I have always been this believer in astrology, and I remember predictions of my friends from school or college days. You know, they were also not experts, probably some Cheiro influence, but a friend in school saw my criss crossed palms and said, you'd have a very struggling life. A friend in the college (not my so called best friend, mind you) said, you'll not receive any huge grief in life, but in lieu of that you'll keep receiving small small blows all your life. What is small and what is big, I think now. What have I not faced in life so far? One failed relationship after another, one broken dream after another, the incident in 2006 that became a permanent scar, and I gradually kept adapting. No marriage? Fine. No job? Fine. It is such a confined and meaningless existence now. I have been pretty sincere in everything I have done in life. Have studied well, have worked with all my concentration, have loved with all my heart. And I have always been kicked by fate.
3. How to dream? Because that was what kept me alive so far, amid all odds. My bubble, my dream world, where everything will be sorted out. I have always been lonely, never really received much love or affection, let alone pampering. Things have never come easily to me. But still, till a few months back, I could dream. Now, the very basis is lost. I can be illogical, but I can't be blind. How can someone keep dreaming about good, when all that happens is bad? You know what I am reduced to? For the last four months, I haven't been to the beauty parlor. Not really to save money, I have that much money to spend once in a while. But the lady who owns the parlor nearby, has become a friend, and I can't bring myself up to telling her that I don't have a job anymore. Same reason why I seldom go out in the neighborhood or visit relatives. I am a nobody in my own eyes, I pity myself. I hate to see that pity in anyone else. And nothing works out. So what if I am reclusive, I am not uninteresting. Why does God, and his world shun me so? I will tell you one more story. Yesterday, suddenly it occurred to me that the MNC where I'd be going on Saturday is the same one where my so called best friend works. I just wanted, you know, like they put medicine on an wound, I just wanted to dream that we'd meet and talk, after such a long time. For no other reason, just to be happy for the moment. But reality gets in the way so much, that I couldn't even dream about us. Why should he even bother about me. If he were the man I knew, he'd scold me and say, why didn't you tell me you were in so much trouble? But then, truth remains that he only said, he can't tolerate me anymore. After that, how can I even dream of his compassion. If not financially, I so very much feel like a pauper emotionally.
4. What's the big use? Not that good things don't happen. Granny recovered, mom's medication is working somewhat. I do enjoy my time with my parents. My complaints to the various consumer brands got addressed somewhat. Some of my friends, on whom I had totally given up, came back in my life. Once in while relatives also inquire to my well being and promise to help in some way. But fact is, that everybody has their own busy life, so finally nothing good comes out of the myriad of promises - nobody really helps. I patiently explain my situation to these pseudo sympathetic people, often get close to liquid frequency and am on the verge of crying trying to explain my predicament, with close people, tears actually flow. But then, that is just in the moment. A moment afterwards people are back to their marathon race of life, and I? I have been already disqualified. Every moment I acknowledge even the minutest good thing that happens in my life, but at the same time I realize, it doesn't really make me happy. Something worse is waiting round the corner to pounce upon the temporary sense of relief. Happiness, is not something that goes down well with me.
5. How and what on earth? The common saying goes like, when the goings get tough, the toughs get going. Please tell me how on earth? I don't know where to venture out. Anybody and everybody seems to be out there to rob me. There is nobody on whom I can rely. And, if you quote Tagore and ask me to go alone, frankly I don't have a clue. I know I am very good at few things. Requirement gathering, problem analysis, management, tracking. But I don't know my skills at running a business. What business should I run? NGO is not an option - I am not a social person. Politics is not an option, I am apolitical. I would love to be a homemaker, but nobody wants to marry me. And here, in this home, my mom won't let me get involved. A clerical job is something I might settle for, but the prospective employers won't settle for me, as they will always consider me overqualified. Same for teaching - with my degrees, I can't teach kids, the one thing I so want to do. I can teach engineering students, which is a big no no for me. Frankly, I am at my wits end. So, every cloud has a silver lining, and when a door closes, a window opens somewhere, sound real bull shits to me.
To conclude, I feel I am playing games with myself, way doctors do with a terminally ill patient, encouraging all the while, giving improbable hopes. When I tick off the to-do list at the end of the day, e.g. sent my CV to S-dada, talked with R-dada, discussed with H, chatted with M, prepared for the walk in - I know in the back of my mind perfectly well, that none of these will work. I keep planning though. Will drop a mail to this CEO guy I had met during a business alliance meeting, will mail my ex delivery manager, will do a course in J2EE from some computer center (where these kid students go), will do an ITIL or PMP certification, will brush up BPM - because human beings live with hope. But then, I know I won't be able to execute these plans. I am in too much of depression. And it is easy to say that either God will get hold of you when you fall or teach you to fly. I personally know that He will just let me fall - I know I am not His favorite, perhaps I am His most despised child. Anyways God doesn't have much time these days, to care for people who suffer.
The rules of the world look stupid to me. People are just running after - they don't know what. There is no correlation between crime and punishment. Neither is there any equation between prayer and reward. I don't want to live. Why should I fight? I guess I have fought enough. One of these days, I will die a peaceful death. If everything I have done in life is wrong, I really don't deserve to live.
1. Why me? The most basic thought when you are frustrated. But trust me, I try my best to dodge this one. More I dodge, more it will come in my way. E.g. was there any necessity that I discover now that I am not having my degree certificates in my possession? And to top it, I ask my brother to search in the Bangalore house, and he is reluctant. He says that it is my fault and I should suffer for it, he won't take the trouble to help me out. Anyways I am not getting any interview call, I am going for the walk in though there's hardly any opening that kinda matches my skill set, and then too, the HR will never entertain me without my original degree certificates (I have scanned copies and xerox, but I am sure that won't be enough). Tell me how not to think - why me? I have always been careful about my documents, but the degree certificates had to be attested for my Czech work permit, and during that time, I might have separated them from the bunch of other academic documents. When did I have the time to arrange things? I was virtually living out of a suitcase, the foreign trips and the home trips, and a relationship on the rocks chipped in that was all set to drain me of my life force.
2. How much more? Really, I don't find an end to my troubles. I have always been this believer in astrology, and I remember predictions of my friends from school or college days. You know, they were also not experts, probably some Cheiro influence, but a friend in school saw my criss crossed palms and said, you'd have a very struggling life. A friend in the college (not my so called best friend, mind you) said, you'll not receive any huge grief in life, but in lieu of that you'll keep receiving small small blows all your life. What is small and what is big, I think now. What have I not faced in life so far? One failed relationship after another, one broken dream after another, the incident in 2006 that became a permanent scar, and I gradually kept adapting. No marriage? Fine. No job? Fine. It is such a confined and meaningless existence now. I have been pretty sincere in everything I have done in life. Have studied well, have worked with all my concentration, have loved with all my heart. And I have always been kicked by fate.
3. How to dream? Because that was what kept me alive so far, amid all odds. My bubble, my dream world, where everything will be sorted out. I have always been lonely, never really received much love or affection, let alone pampering. Things have never come easily to me. But still, till a few months back, I could dream. Now, the very basis is lost. I can be illogical, but I can't be blind. How can someone keep dreaming about good, when all that happens is bad? You know what I am reduced to? For the last four months, I haven't been to the beauty parlor. Not really to save money, I have that much money to spend once in a while. But the lady who owns the parlor nearby, has become a friend, and I can't bring myself up to telling her that I don't have a job anymore. Same reason why I seldom go out in the neighborhood or visit relatives. I am a nobody in my own eyes, I pity myself. I hate to see that pity in anyone else. And nothing works out. So what if I am reclusive, I am not uninteresting. Why does God, and his world shun me so? I will tell you one more story. Yesterday, suddenly it occurred to me that the MNC where I'd be going on Saturday is the same one where my so called best friend works. I just wanted, you know, like they put medicine on an wound, I just wanted to dream that we'd meet and talk, after such a long time. For no other reason, just to be happy for the moment. But reality gets in the way so much, that I couldn't even dream about us. Why should he even bother about me. If he were the man I knew, he'd scold me and say, why didn't you tell me you were in so much trouble? But then, truth remains that he only said, he can't tolerate me anymore. After that, how can I even dream of his compassion. If not financially, I so very much feel like a pauper emotionally.
4. What's the big use? Not that good things don't happen. Granny recovered, mom's medication is working somewhat. I do enjoy my time with my parents. My complaints to the various consumer brands got addressed somewhat. Some of my friends, on whom I had totally given up, came back in my life. Once in while relatives also inquire to my well being and promise to help in some way. But fact is, that everybody has their own busy life, so finally nothing good comes out of the myriad of promises - nobody really helps. I patiently explain my situation to these pseudo sympathetic people, often get close to liquid frequency and am on the verge of crying trying to explain my predicament, with close people, tears actually flow. But then, that is just in the moment. A moment afterwards people are back to their marathon race of life, and I? I have been already disqualified. Every moment I acknowledge even the minutest good thing that happens in my life, but at the same time I realize, it doesn't really make me happy. Something worse is waiting round the corner to pounce upon the temporary sense of relief. Happiness, is not something that goes down well with me.
5. How and what on earth? The common saying goes like, when the goings get tough, the toughs get going. Please tell me how on earth? I don't know where to venture out. Anybody and everybody seems to be out there to rob me. There is nobody on whom I can rely. And, if you quote Tagore and ask me to go alone, frankly I don't have a clue. I know I am very good at few things. Requirement gathering, problem analysis, management, tracking. But I don't know my skills at running a business. What business should I run? NGO is not an option - I am not a social person. Politics is not an option, I am apolitical. I would love to be a homemaker, but nobody wants to marry me. And here, in this home, my mom won't let me get involved. A clerical job is something I might settle for, but the prospective employers won't settle for me, as they will always consider me overqualified. Same for teaching - with my degrees, I can't teach kids, the one thing I so want to do. I can teach engineering students, which is a big no no for me. Frankly, I am at my wits end. So, every cloud has a silver lining, and when a door closes, a window opens somewhere, sound real bull shits to me.
To conclude, I feel I am playing games with myself, way doctors do with a terminally ill patient, encouraging all the while, giving improbable hopes. When I tick off the to-do list at the end of the day, e.g. sent my CV to S-dada, talked with R-dada, discussed with H, chatted with M, prepared for the walk in - I know in the back of my mind perfectly well, that none of these will work. I keep planning though. Will drop a mail to this CEO guy I had met during a business alliance meeting, will mail my ex delivery manager, will do a course in J2EE from some computer center (where these kid students go), will do an ITIL or PMP certification, will brush up BPM - because human beings live with hope. But then, I know I won't be able to execute these plans. I am in too much of depression. And it is easy to say that either God will get hold of you when you fall or teach you to fly. I personally know that He will just let me fall - I know I am not His favorite, perhaps I am His most despised child. Anyways God doesn't have much time these days, to care for people who suffer.
The rules of the world look stupid to me. People are just running after - they don't know what. There is no correlation between crime and punishment. Neither is there any equation between prayer and reward. I don't want to live. Why should I fight? I guess I have fought enough. One of these days, I will die a peaceful death. If everything I have done in life is wrong, I really don't deserve to live.
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