The unplanned future...

Was planning to start learning something for a while now. And I decided to relearn java. When I was a java programmer, in 2003-2004, since then there has been so many terms introduced in java, that nowadays it looks unfamiliar. I don't know these spring, hibernate and struts thingies. But before learning those, I need to revise my core java a bit. So today, finally I started off. And I am not yet using an IDE, and was surprised to find that my handwritten java programs are compiling in one shot. And that I remember the basics pretty well, setting path and class path, the common methods used etc. etc. Anyways my OOP concepts were always quite strong. After Java, I will revise my SQL and PL SQL a bit.

I find it strange, way life acts like a see saw. Some days are always a little happier and more fruitful, than the other days which are dull and make you gloomy. Reminds me about Suman's এক একটা দিন, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3T0KSMo_pwY - I often feel that Suman's songs were the best things that happened in my childhood.Today, as জাতিস্মর played with the closing titles of the জাতিস্মর movie, and I sang along - it was almost as if relived my childhood. Job, or no job man, my life in Kolkata has a certain freshness mingled with reminiscence, which makes it far more livable. And then, frankly speaking, I am extremely disillusioned. Who are these idiots that are actually working, whereas I don't have a job? If you, or for that matter, any rational person with a minimum common sense had to speak with the bunch of idiots at naukri.com, the reason for my frustration would be apparent. They don't understand the service they have promised me, let alone working on it. And they take money upfront - if not cheating, then what can this be termed as? At times in exasperation, I feel like giving it up, it is just a matter of 6K odd bucks. But then, giving up without doing all that was in my power to do, is something that I can't reconcile with. You see, I have to fight it out, tooth and nail, till there is death or oblivion. So I keep hoping. Some day, somebody comes back with some promise of a job, but nothing finally works out. It has now been 4 months that I am sitting idle. Every day, every moment, I feel the pangs, the ache. When I gave it away, my precious career, it was to save my life. But then, what I didn't realize was, how much this has become a part of my life. Much like the dialogue in মহানগর movie, I wonder why this big a city doesn't have a job to offer me.

I have learnt so many truths over this time. E.g. people who can help in your time of need, never come forward. People who have very limited means, try to reach out just because they care. Your calculations often go wrong. Your confidence is taken for a ride, after working successfully for 10 years, you find that the job market is so full of bribery and middle men. All this, only because I wanted to change the location of my job, I wanted to live with my parents. At times I am so tired of this constant struggle, I don't even feel like waking up in the morning. The entire world is struggling to survive, and I am just whiling away my time. No, I don't want retirement right now. I am a very lonely person. Being without work is like cancer to me. It is eating away my insides.

At times I do feel like preparing for GMAT. To challenge myself once, to find out if I can get enrolled in one of the best universities in the world, and pursue my preferred stream, which I guess is management. Well, I was never good at a lot of things, so that I'd have any confusion about what is my favorite subject. Bengali and Computer Science stood out head and shoulders above the rest. But then, why management? Because throughout my career, I have realized, people management is the crux of it all. There is nothing more awe inspiring than the human mind, whereas psychology provides an insight to it, management lets you push it to its limits. But given all these facts, I am right now too weak to take a bold decision. So like a poor praying soul, all I keep asking God is some means of redeeming my career. No, I am still not that desperate that I can risk going away all alone in some alien city just for a the sake of it. Why not in Kolkata, I ask myself. I keep faith. But I do not get any positive answer to my prayers.

Monologues again...

No, I didn't get the job. And no, I am not depressed. The reason is simple. Neither was I disqualified (you know that MNC style "cannot appear for interview for the next six to nine months" - which is often called cooling period in style - much like the visa related term). Why? Because they are a large company, they can afford to tell me that my profile doesn't match their opening. They did ask me a couple of questions though, quite reluctantly, and mostly on my insistence. And I answered then as best as I could. But still, they were not comfortable giving me the job. Now God only knows when a profile match will happen.

And no, I didn't meet my best friend there. Though I was half astonished finding myself day dreaming that I'd meet him somehow. And if you'll believe me, in that day dream, it was I who called out to him - and he was startled, and happy, and warm...but let that be...we didn't meet, and that's it. Thankfully I didn't meet anyone else too from the college gang...

Well, you know what? Besides this, my so called new found love also got married. So end of that love story too.

And when I call some friends to discuss all this failure after failure, their advice is always, "go back to Bangalore". Man, how many times do I tell that "Bangalore sucks". That city's got nothing to offer me except money, and I really don't need money that much. I am single person with very little demands from life. Ya, if I start thinking about future, you know, if I get married, if I have a kid, then this gap in service will be crucial. You see, I might not be able to get back my old esteem then, and God knows that I want to give my child the very best upbringing possible. But see, if I happen to think about that kind of future, I should also think about its equally probable negative counterpart, i.e. I simply become a manic depressed person living all alone in Bangalore - the city which has only stale memories to offer me - that which can only kill me more. No, I can't let that happen too. I have always been my own doctor, and I know myself. This life is better for me. I am not extremely ambitious. I was not born that way. But yes, once thrown into competition, I try to get to the top. Which self respecting person doesn't? But if I know myself well, I can live a plain life as well. I don't want to go away leaving my parents, leaving my house. Call it madness, but I have to do what my heart desires. Yes, I also understand that my heart doesn't desire an idle life. We have to find some solution to that. 

An inexplicable affinity

And going by the Jab We Met theory, today I feel better. I.e. last night was the worst time, it just couldn't get worse, so only it can get better from now onward, and it will. And better or not I don't know, but I am happier. My certificates have been discovered, i.e. the degree certificates have been found, my birth certificate is still missing though :( ...well what can be done, there's no way I can deny that it was me who was born 34 years back at such a day or time, which makes my life so unique that at times I do feel I could have been more normal.

So my very bro, who quarrels and throws tantrums, rises up at 5 in the morning and stays up till 12 in the night to look for my documents. This is what they mean by family.

Oh, life seemed so blissful once I got the news. And then, sadly enough, my current text book, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Information_Technology_Infrastructure_Library took the back seat. It was time to celebrate. I.e. time to indulge my new found love. I hear that he's also a nocturnal person like me. And dear God, how I sink in his thoughts. Perhaps his near Bengali-ness helps. I have always maintained that I don't like Bengali guys. But a non Bengali guy who understands our culture is different. I can always go for him. Fact is I am not going for him. But yes, with every passing day I love him a little more. He makes my life so serene and livable. Problem is, neither do I feel like reaching out to him, and he being even more unsocial - there is hardly any chance that we meet. I am really not thinking about a relationship here, no. I have my own self imposed constraints. But then a meaningful friendship could have surely happened, if we could have known each other. I am very sure of that. Because such a kind of chemistry doesn't grow when there's no similarity involved. But forget it. As of now I am happy with whatever little I get. Trust me, for me it is a LOT.

If I get a job, or for that matter a suitable occupation, I promise I will live life fully. I will do every thing that I have stopped myself from doing. And I will live for myself. Mister (btw your initials are not exactly very appealing :P) please be around to give me some virtual company...at least.

Questions that come in my mind...

After a long long time, I am staying up in the night and doing something worthwhile. I.e. studying. And in between I am getting a stream of scattered thoughts in my mind. The usual ones. But worth pondering over.

1. Why me? The most basic thought when you are frustrated. But trust me, I try my best to dodge this one. More I dodge, more it will come in my way. E.g. was there any necessity that I discover now that I am not having my degree certificates in my possession? And to top it, I ask my brother to search in the Bangalore house, and he is reluctant. He says that it is my fault and I should suffer for it, he won't take the trouble to help me out. Anyways I am not getting any interview call, I am going for the walk in though there's hardly any opening that kinda matches my skill set, and then too, the HR will never entertain me without my original degree certificates (I have scanned copies and xerox, but I am sure that won't be enough). Tell me how not to think - why me? I have always been careful about my documents, but the degree certificates had to be attested for my Czech work permit, and during that time, I might have separated them from the bunch of other academic documents. When did I have the time to arrange things? I was virtually living out of a suitcase, the foreign trips and the home trips, and a relationship on the rocks chipped in that was all set to drain me of my life force.

2. How much more? Really, I don't find an end to my troubles. I have always been this believer in astrology, and I remember predictions of my friends from school or college days. You know, they were also not experts, probably some Cheiro influence, but a friend in school saw my criss crossed palms and said, you'd have a very struggling life. A friend in the college (not my so called best friend, mind you) said, you'll not receive any huge grief in life, but in lieu of that you'll keep receiving small small blows all your life. What is small and what is big, I think now. What have I not faced in life so far? One failed relationship after another, one broken dream after another, the incident in 2006 that became a permanent scar, and I gradually kept adapting. No marriage? Fine. No job? Fine. It is such a confined and meaningless existence now. I have been pretty sincere in everything I have done in life. Have studied well, have worked with all my concentration, have loved with all my heart. And I have always been kicked by fate.

3. How to dream? Because that was what kept me alive so far, amid all odds. My bubble, my dream world, where everything will be sorted out. I have always been lonely, never really received much love or affection, let alone pampering. Things have never come easily to me. But still, till a few months back, I could dream. Now, the very basis is lost. I can be illogical, but I can't be blind. How can someone keep dreaming about good, when all that happens is bad? You know what I am reduced to? For the last four months, I haven't been to the beauty parlor. Not really to save money, I have that much money to spend once in a while. But the lady who owns the parlor nearby, has become a friend, and I can't bring myself up to telling her that I don't have a job anymore. Same reason why I seldom go out in the neighborhood or visit relatives. I am a nobody in my own eyes, I pity myself. I hate to see that pity in anyone else. And nothing works out. So what if I am reclusive, I am not uninteresting. Why does God, and his world shun me so? I will tell you one more story. Yesterday, suddenly it occurred to me that the MNC where I'd be going on Saturday is the same one where my so called best friend works. I just wanted, you know, like they put medicine on an wound, I just wanted to dream that we'd meet and talk, after such a long time. For no other reason, just to be happy for the moment. But reality gets in the way so much, that I couldn't even dream about us. Why should he even bother about me. If he were the man I knew, he'd scold me and say, why didn't you tell me you were in so much trouble? But then, truth remains that he only said, he can't tolerate me anymore. After that, how can I even dream of his compassion. If not financially, I so very much feel like a pauper emotionally.

4. What's the big use? Not that good things don't happen. Granny recovered, mom's medication is working somewhat. I do enjoy my time with my parents. My complaints to the various consumer brands got addressed somewhat. Some of my friends, on whom I had totally given up, came back in my life. Once in while relatives also inquire to my well being and promise to help in some way. But fact is, that everybody has their own busy life, so finally nothing good comes out of the myriad of promises - nobody really helps. I patiently explain my situation to these pseudo sympathetic people, often get close to liquid frequency and am on the verge of crying trying to explain my predicament, with close people, tears actually flow. But then, that is just in the moment. A moment afterwards people are back to their marathon race of life, and I? I have been already disqualified. Every moment I acknowledge even the minutest good thing that happens in my life, but at the same time I realize, it doesn't really make me happy. Something worse is waiting round the corner to pounce upon the temporary sense of relief. Happiness, is not something that goes down well with me.

5. How and what on earth? The common saying goes like, when the goings get tough, the toughs get going. Please tell me how on earth? I don't know where to venture out. Anybody and everybody seems to be out there to rob me. There is nobody on whom I can rely. And, if you quote Tagore and ask me to go alone, frankly I don't have a clue. I know I am very good at few things. Requirement gathering, problem analysis, management, tracking. But I don't know my skills at running a business. What business should I run? NGO is not an option - I am not a social person. Politics is not an option, I am apolitical. I would love to be a homemaker, but nobody wants to marry me. And here, in this home, my mom won't let me get involved. A clerical job is something I might settle for, but the prospective employers won't settle for me, as they will always consider me overqualified. Same for teaching - with my degrees, I can't teach kids, the one thing I so want to do. I can teach engineering students, which is a big no no for me. Frankly, I am at my wits end. So, every cloud has a silver lining, and when a door closes, a window opens somewhere, sound real bull shits to me.

To conclude, I feel I am playing games with myself, way doctors do with a terminally ill patient, encouraging all the while, giving improbable hopes. When I tick off the to-do list at the end of the day, e.g. sent my CV to S-dada, talked with R-dada, discussed with H, chatted with M, prepared for the walk in - I know in the back of my mind perfectly well, that none of these will work. I keep planning though. Will drop a mail to this CEO guy I had met during a business alliance meeting, will mail my ex delivery manager, will do a course in J2EE from some computer center (where these kid students go), will do an ITIL or PMP certification, will brush up BPM - because human beings live with hope. But then, I know I won't be able to execute these plans. I am in too much of depression. And it is easy to say that either God will get hold of you when you fall or teach you to fly. I personally know that He will just let me fall - I know I am not His favorite, perhaps I am His most despised child. Anyways God doesn't have much time these days, to care for people who suffer.

The rules of the world look stupid to me. People are just running after - they don't know what. There is no correlation between crime and punishment. Neither is there any equation between prayer and reward. I don't want to live. Why should I fight? I guess I have fought enough. One of these days, I will die a peaceful death. If everything I have done in life is wrong, I really don't deserve to live.

Interview pangs - 3

It is not appearing in an interview that I am scared about. It is the aftermath. The bitter taste of failure. Firstly interview calls are so rare here, that I am almost convinced about taking up any run of the mill job. That I am an IT person seems like a past dream. Over that, despite giving my best, the offer doesn't materialize. Mind you, all these I am judging on the basis of the single interview I have had here, so far. If you will believe me, I reached the place around 11:40 AM or so and left it around 4:30 PM. There were rounds of interviews including HR, CTO and CEO. The CTO part didn't go too well, me not being a technical person and all. But the CEO guy liked me. He only gave me the project SOW and asked me to work out a basic design, which I did. I explained my situation as best as I could. But still, it has been 2 weeks since the interview and no intimation.

Now, there is this call for walk in drive from this famous MNC. As is the case with MNCs they have lots of "Nakhra-s". As in get some 20 odd documents and proofs and xerox copies. Like, the first boyfriend from the first MNC I worked for, used to say, "Phalana, Dhimkana". But then what to do. A job is absolutely necessary. I am going mad. Being the self styled psychologist that I am, I can see very grave indications in myself. Lack of self grooming, self torture, frequent mood swings, oversleeping, a permanent sense of fatigue and the recurring thought of "what is left in this life" are not good signs. But first I was hesitant in going for the interview. The previous two occasions of rejection was not handled well by me (this job interview that I had on the 8th and the marriage proposal on 21st of last month). Bigger problem is that they don't reject in an outright way. They don't just communicate, and when you are in as much soup as I am, you, knowing very well, that the silence means they are not interested, can't but stop hoping for a different angle.

Finally I could coax myself in appearing for the interview. I don't know what will happen. The job is about service management and ITIL and I am not a service person. I am a product person. All I have as experience is couple of ITIL based proposals I had written in my previous organization.

And then there is Facebook. Why it is out there to torture me thus, I can't say. Everyone is so eager to show off their picture perfect life. But then, that's not what bothers me. God's sense of injustice bothers me. He ruined my life, and is having a second honeymoon, and for me nothing is working out. I am still unsure, but I guess, yesterday I saw myself shooting the "daantwaali" in my dream. My brother does say, শকুনের শাপে গরু মরেনা -to translate, the cow is not killed by the curse of the vulture, but then, after so many days, the pinch of hatred is still there. I am still not indifferent to their existence. I never faced this with Anand, he was careful enough to go away completely from my life, at least this request of mine he had kept. Had Deepti not researched in linkedin about his current job and all and told me in turn, I wouldn't even have known that he exists.

Deepti and Meenu, two friends who came back in my time of need. And then Ananya, who was always there. Then there's Bee and the other girl, my student from the engineering college where I taught, who never seem to lose faith in me. There are couple of kids from my previous organization who still keep in touch. That's all God has cared to give me. I don't complain or ask for more. But I really need a job. It won't just be a job, it will be a life saver, if only it comes in time. Trust me, it is a question of life and death now. I can't live without work.

Love...

Oh how lovely life is, when a thing called love happens. And trust me when love happens via a terrible ISP called Tata Photon Plus, it is really so so difficult to write about it. You might think why I am after the credibility of the so called brands these days. But that's not true. It is just my nature to protest when something looks wrong. And it kinda feels good when the protest yields some results. E.g. I got a return of around Rs 90/- in two instances, from Big Bazaar. And Naukri.com finally replied back with a deadline by which they plan to resolve the issues I had raised. This much response is enough to satisfy the Joan of Arc, Rani Laxmi Bai or Matangini Hazra in me...trust me I don't intend to die battling for my rights. But nobody in their solemn senses can accuse me of keeping mum knowingly. I shall, and I must, at least, speak out.

So who has been the new person who has won my heart? Well, let me tell you...he's somewhat like me. Bohemian and lives life on his own terms. But unlike me, he's got loads of talent in him. And man, am I in love with that talent! I met him first, sometime last year. Well, love didn't happen immediately, I must say. Overexposure to his persona led to that love thingy. My decision to come to Kolkata helped, because, here I have much more access to him than from Bangalore. And then a night came when I found myself sinking in that soft quilty ocean of strange feelings, which they so gloriously call "falling in love". The first reaction of the practical self in me was - girl, at least once in a while, find someone elder. But then, when is it the age that matters. It is always about empathy and emotions. In this incorrigible mind of mine, which is almost a jungle of rugged raw physicality these days, that such soft realizations can thrive, I knew not. But then, this is me. The 10 year old me, the 16 year old me, the 25 year old me, the 31 year old me. Why, at 34, I should be anything different?

Oh, I absolutely adore him. I know now, that on this earth, all of us coexist like small islands. Be it even my mom, dad or gran, who live in the same house as me, and the fact that we know each other all our lives, still, can we vouch that we are fully acquainted? There are so many things untold and unthinkable. So I don't mind the fact that he will never know of my love, or will never know me as a person. He keeps me awake in nights such as this, and keeps me miles away from the desperate lifeless slumber that seems the only solution to all my problems. He tells me with his quaint childish smile that I am still not a total zombie yet, I have some life left in me. In fact a lot of life and love. And craze. The craze that is so typical of me.

Ok so enough of my personal rubbish - time to tell you about the important thing. I am not leaving Calcutta anytime soon. Job, or no job, I have decided about staying here. Of course a small earning of 20K odd INR would have really helped, you see, I really need a car and AC for myself to survive the heat and traffic of this place. Just for the maintenance of those two luxuries I need money, I don't need a single penny for myself otherwise :D

After a long time, I have found a man, who - albeit he goes overboard at times, has been able to knock me over...well almost! Can't get enough of him, some man he must be :)

So altogether, it is good to fall in love...again. Frankly speaking, I do dream once in a while, about getting married. May be 5 years hence, I won't. But till date, I do. In fact, it is my favorite dream these days. And it is really late in the night, so I must sleep :)

Trust issues...old memories and death...

I don't feel any better. Things simply don't improve. Because things are in this state, I feel all the more angry. Angry when I realize that everyone out there is simply planning to rob me, to break my trust.

Example1: Naukri.com - terrible service I must say. The amount I paid them, Rs 6080/- might not be a huge amount, but the fact remains that I totally wasted the money. It hasn't helped me a wee little bit in my job search, let alone that, they haven't even taken care to provide the promised services. Their website is full of false information (e.g. they write that their telephone number is reachable from 9 AM to 9 PM throughout the week, whereas if you call the number you are informed that it works 9 AM to 6 PM, from Mon to Sat). On similar lines they are showing one of the services I had opted for, as complete, though whenever I call them, they themselves admit that they have re initiated it and it is under processing. If I ask them about the wrong status on the website, they say, the status is managed by their tech team and some such crap.

Example2: Pepsico and Inox - went to watch Sholay-3D with dad in the morning show yesterday. I have become poor after I left my job. I try to cut down on expenses all the time. Since the morning show in Inox is cheaper, I opted for it. But all said and done, Sholay is a long movie and you cannot do without water for so long. Especially in winter you should not stay without water as humidity is already less in the air and you are getting parched against your knowledge (because the apparent chill doesn't let you feel the thirst). And, Inox, the great multiplex doesn't allow us to carry our own water bottles. So I had to buy this exorbitantly priced Aquafina bottle at Rs 40/- That was yesterday. Some water was left, so we carried the bottle back home. Today as I sat down for lunch, I suddenly observed two MRPs printed on the bottle. MRP Rs 18/- (which has been partially removed) and MRP Rs 40/- which is totally visible along with the batch number. It left me with no doubt whatsoever that a company like Pepsico is repackaging water in previously used bottles. They remove the previous stamping with some spirit sort of thing, since by mistake the data on this bottle was partially removed, this stuff came to light. These bottles being non food grade anyways, the implications are appalling and scary. I have already taken pics, I plan to post them on Facebook as well.

Ok, so what else is going on in life? Nothing much. Meenu pinged that day, and we kind of agreed on making peace. I have gotten so habituated giving up cherished things in life, that I had quite thought I'd have to spend the rest of my life with fond memories of our friendship. I am still not sure, you see, it is me who is vulnerable and lonely right now. But at least she's shown some interest in reviving our friendship, and that means a lot to me. The period thingy also came up after one full month - everything has its own time - if I put it philosophically. But then, if things are delayed beyond a particular tolerance level, their arrival doesn't have any meaning anymore.

I want to finish today's entry by writing something. I suddenly got to know that she is dead. That she died of cancer at the age of 40. I didn't have any particular affinity towards her. I had seen her face to face quite a number of times, and had two telephonic interactions with her. On one occasion, I had kept silent, and she had given me a proper thrashing with impossibly crude words. That time I was terribly hurt (for you see I always knew that it was me and not any prank caller, but she didn't) - but now I can understand that she didn't have any patience or tolerance for pranksters. The other time was rather sweet (because I spoken, with my voice muffled with a handkerchief) - as I asked, if I could speak with her brother, she asked me, who are you. I said, I am his friend. She said, very sweetly, in Bengali, I remember, ও? ও ওর আরেকটা বন্ধুর বাড়িতে গেছে - he? he's gone over to another friend's place. How memories linger. Now that I am at home and the only stress in life is caused by this joblessness, I keep remembering the most insignificant things that have happened throughout my life. I didn't know I'd feel this pang to know about her death. Her brother hadn't been kind to me. I have loved him all my life, perhaps from the time I have known love, he has been my hero, my idol. But I never knew that I'd be so overwhelmed that he's lost someone so near to him. I am speechless, I cannot reach out to him, and frankly speaking I don't matter to him. But I felt it to be a loss anyways, another of those wildly shocking mysteries that death creates. Again that question, why death takes away suddenly, why death takes away someone young, why death tortures and makes us suffer so much. And why an apparently useless person like me, who has no point in living and doesn't even want to live, lives on all the same?

Did I say I will finish with this one? Oh but how can I? Without telling you about the ethereal feeling I had when I went to Garia Station the other day to attend a religious ceremony at a relative's place? It was not college memories, no. The glorious feeling came when I took the road that goes away from the college route...to that bus stop where I'd get into the bus with my best friend, though that meant a roundabout route for me, and unnecessary crossing of roads. That also meant few more minutes with my best friend, which I couldn't bear to lose at any cost. Albeit we'd simply bicker away the time, once in a while, we'd talk in a really cosy way as well. Oh how the fond memories overwhelmed me - a friend who had promised he'd always take care of me, who'd told me, I'd never go without a job, even if I wish for that, and who, simply doesn't care anymore. Again going back to the point I had begun with, why to love? why to trust?

2014!

Well, life suddenly took a turn for better since the time I wrote here last. 27th was full of fun as I went out to visit my old school friend, Pamela. 28th of course was Ananya's daughter's birthday, and I was invited. Had a sumptuous lunch at Mainland China (for that matter, hadn't had such exorbitant lunches for 3 months now, last one was the party I had given to my colleagues at Barbecue Nation). But both the days were not memorable because of such trivial things like good food. The plain sheer joy of going back in a time machine to those flawless days, where nothing mattered much and we could laugh like crazy, gave me a rush of life that I so badly needed (you must have noticed that I was in really bad shape during my last entry).

Life is not...so as to say, idyllic even now. But reunion with my old friends was absolutely God sent. At least it helped in healing the pain that another failed attempt at arranged marriage had caused me. I was really really upset with that one - for you see, even I am a normal young girl (by the way not so young - I am again not getting my periods, and I am almost afraid that I am going to have menopause at 34) - even I look for a respite at times, and I am not yet particularly abhorrent to dreaming. What to do with menfolk who learn after meeting me for the first time that I am not meant for them, and do not even dare to look back. I often sit and think, what is my husband gentleman doing right now. Surely it is high time he acts (or else I might not be in a position to bear him a child).

Jokes apart, I have thoroughly given up on job search. The naukri.com paid services that I had taken turn out to be absolutely useless. They have created a CV which I am correcting all the time and sending back to them - and they cannot even act on my instructions. But man, do I groan at the very thought of going back to Bangalore? I absolutely, without a discretion, quintessentially loathe that city. I don't need a job man, just to earn money, please let's not return to that hellhole. I guess my allergy is mainly with South Indians. Certainly I don't hate Biharis because of Anand, frankly I quite like them - then why this discrimination with Karthik's fellow people. Because I firmly believe that no other race can give birth to an absolutely disgraceful and crooked person like Karthik. Yes, after all these days, I am finally able to hate him. Hate him as I should have - on the very first day he did wrong to me and his mask became obvious to me. I hate everything associated with him and around him, and I hate the very soil that gave shape to the narrowest mind like his. Frankly, I have very good South Indian friends, in fact Bindhu is like a daughter to me, but still, there is something in that soil that makes you a selfish, frog-in-the-well being. And ya, ya, ya...I get mighty happy these days when the frog suffers (you know, the lady frog who hasn't yet been able to get hold of her gentleman frog - alas the tadpole has to suffer because it belongs to a good for nothing mom). Yes, by now you must be quite sure that I am out of my mind - but I am happy when selfish people get what they deserve. Ha ha ha, now, just to prove that I am still sane enough, here comes the disclaimer (much similar to the one I had written out to dentists) - dear southies, among whom so many are my such good friends, even you guys would agree that there are these obnoxious human beings whom your soil has been nurturing, and who have driven me so much to the brink that I write mindless things about ye all. Please excuse this crime with all your goodness of heart.

I am happy with this jobless state, you know. I am becoming more fearless by the day. I know I won't starve to death. Rest of the bitter truths of life - also, I have pondered over and accepted. As of now, right now, giving me grief might be easy, but breaking my heart more than it is already broken looks impossible. The greatest, and most wonderful thing I have got in the past few months is my ability to appreciate whatever good of the minutest dimension that happens in my life. I was very contended with my new year celebrations. The joy of having a caring and supportive family around you is unparalleled. We had good food on both the days (31st and 1st) and spent a very quality time together.

2013 was horrid man, plain and simple horrid. Nothing worth mentioning with even the wee small bit of gratitude happened during the year. It absolutely destroyed whatever little of myself I was managing to save from the clutches of evil that was gradually taking a toll on me through all these years since I left home. But now it almost feels like a rebirth. I am extremely happy, I feel light with joy. The only pain is that of losing my career, trust me, I was good at it. But then, as I said, this is an informed choice. I am not going to embrace misery again. And I sincerely hope that 2014 is going to be better. If not better, will it at least take away the lifeless look from my eyes?