The two days in the weekend were spent patiently taking back up. All these 8+ years I have acquired so much of unnecessary belongings, that I am unable to trace most of the things I'd need at the moment. E.g. hard disk. Though I had enough space in my new hard disk to take back up of all the data I had piled up here since 2010, still I was looking for my previous hard disk and couldn't find it. All this while I had this assumption that I have kept it in a certain brown bag of mine, so today when I opened it, I could find a hundred other things, like piano and french tutorials (all stupid stuff I had got from Singapore) - but not the hard disk. God knows where I have kept it.
I look longingly at my books. God knows when I can take all of them back to Calcutta. As it is, I am scared to take Appu, Neelu and Pink Pong in a suitcase, and I am not even thinking about my clothes. How is it humanly possible to take two cupboards full of clothes and 3 bookshelves full of books I don't know. I laugh away at the 15 kg luggage limit in Air India flight by which I am scheduled to go.
I don't feel emotional anymore. I couldn't survive in this place anyways. It is a good decision I have taken. I have never compromised in life - never ever. Perhaps I shall hold some kinda grievance against the people who rule this place and have undermined me so much so that I was forced to do away with my career. Because call it a stupid ideology, but I need my ego or self realization to exist with pride. And I do not know of an existence without my self respect. So, to hell with this hell hole that refused to give me my due credibility.
I have one huge advantage you know? I have very little demand from life. Next to nil, you may say. I don't live lavishly. I don't even have an air conditioner or car at my home. I shy away from buying any clothes that would exceed Rs 1000/- in its price tag. In fact my ideal buy would range from 200 to 600 Rs, funny as it may sound. My only expenses are for books, and books are not very expensive you know. They are not yet considered luxury items. It is ok, I tell myself. We shall manage. Anyways we have to manage. For decision, once taken, shouldn't be reversed if you want your words to have some weight. And it was time enough that I took a break. I have tortured myself in every possible sense of the term. Psychologically and physically.
There was a forced kinda party last Friday evening - which I yielded to, because it doesn't make sense to be miserly or arrogant. I spent the evening with a crowd of people, most of whom I hardly know and hardly like, and spent a straight 10K on them. I have never taken out my parents for such a lavish dinner. I felt bad about how this Bangalore city and its people disrespect money. But then, what's in 10K. Money is like water, it keeps flowing - you can't stop it. Somebody in the party said - I'm sure you have never enjoyed this much. I gave a polite smile and simply said - I have, much more than this. What do they think? Since I am a spinster of 33, they feel my entire life has been this boring? All evening, I kept sipping my beer (I guess I was having beer for the last time in a long time to come) - and relived all the wonderful moments. Starting from the Mysore days (rain dance in GRS water park) - the walks with Anand in MG Road and Brigade Road, when we were just getting to know each other, perhaps the only time we didn't have any grudge against each other, to the wonderful time with Boo, my various on sites, the adventures and misadventures, the...what do they call it? rappelling I guess - then sledging, water scooter, some free fall kinda thing - have done them all. I have lived life man - in every sense of the term. But then, after everything else, I realized that except my immediate family members, there's nobody who cares. So I also don't care for anybody.
So that's that. Forgot to clear the internet history of my official laptop (I have 2 by the way - one dabba lappy, one rental one which is much better in performance). I would never delete the history in the dabba one. Boo used it often - till the time we were on speaking terms (yes, even after his engagement) - clearing that history would seem to me like severing our last tie. I am such a stupid girl no? Tomorrow the machine might anyways get formatted. I keep missing my copy of Unaccustomed Earth - it was the hardbound copy I got on the day the book was released in India - I had given it to Boo - he never gave it back. I miss it very very much. I miss the angel like kiddo of my friend, she did ask me to come and meet him once on Friday, but then...I don't know these days what's formality and what's from the heart. My voice went to that so called liquid frequency, because that kid is someone I have loved selflessly - if God would give me the power I'd shield him from every bitterness that this world has to offer. I could picture myself looking at his photos and seeing him grow up - but I decided not to go and meet him and make myself weaker.
I go away from this city with empty hands. 2005 January, I had set off from home fresh with such multitude of aspirations. 2013 October, I go with an empty heart and mind. Life has zombied me in this span of time. I am not even in a position to predict how I will be 5 years hence. I can just see myself in the coming couple of months. Learning to drive, learning to play the keyboard, getting a good configuration laptop for myself - where I'd continue learning things I always wanted to learn - and happily reading books. That's about it. I know that God will be with me...in whatever I do, and wherever I go.
I look longingly at my books. God knows when I can take all of them back to Calcutta. As it is, I am scared to take Appu, Neelu and Pink Pong in a suitcase, and I am not even thinking about my clothes. How is it humanly possible to take two cupboards full of clothes and 3 bookshelves full of books I don't know. I laugh away at the 15 kg luggage limit in Air India flight by which I am scheduled to go.
I don't feel emotional anymore. I couldn't survive in this place anyways. It is a good decision I have taken. I have never compromised in life - never ever. Perhaps I shall hold some kinda grievance against the people who rule this place and have undermined me so much so that I was forced to do away with my career. Because call it a stupid ideology, but I need my ego or self realization to exist with pride. And I do not know of an existence without my self respect. So, to hell with this hell hole that refused to give me my due credibility.
I have one huge advantage you know? I have very little demand from life. Next to nil, you may say. I don't live lavishly. I don't even have an air conditioner or car at my home. I shy away from buying any clothes that would exceed Rs 1000/- in its price tag. In fact my ideal buy would range from 200 to 600 Rs, funny as it may sound. My only expenses are for books, and books are not very expensive you know. They are not yet considered luxury items. It is ok, I tell myself. We shall manage. Anyways we have to manage. For decision, once taken, shouldn't be reversed if you want your words to have some weight. And it was time enough that I took a break. I have tortured myself in every possible sense of the term. Psychologically and physically.
There was a forced kinda party last Friday evening - which I yielded to, because it doesn't make sense to be miserly or arrogant. I spent the evening with a crowd of people, most of whom I hardly know and hardly like, and spent a straight 10K on them. I have never taken out my parents for such a lavish dinner. I felt bad about how this Bangalore city and its people disrespect money. But then, what's in 10K. Money is like water, it keeps flowing - you can't stop it. Somebody in the party said - I'm sure you have never enjoyed this much. I gave a polite smile and simply said - I have, much more than this. What do they think? Since I am a spinster of 33, they feel my entire life has been this boring? All evening, I kept sipping my beer (I guess I was having beer for the last time in a long time to come) - and relived all the wonderful moments. Starting from the Mysore days (rain dance in GRS water park) - the walks with Anand in MG Road and Brigade Road, when we were just getting to know each other, perhaps the only time we didn't have any grudge against each other, to the wonderful time with Boo, my various on sites, the adventures and misadventures, the...what do they call it? rappelling I guess - then sledging, water scooter, some free fall kinda thing - have done them all. I have lived life man - in every sense of the term. But then, after everything else, I realized that except my immediate family members, there's nobody who cares. So I also don't care for anybody.
So that's that. Forgot to clear the internet history of my official laptop (I have 2 by the way - one dabba lappy, one rental one which is much better in performance). I would never delete the history in the dabba one. Boo used it often - till the time we were on speaking terms (yes, even after his engagement) - clearing that history would seem to me like severing our last tie. I am such a stupid girl no? Tomorrow the machine might anyways get formatted. I keep missing my copy of Unaccustomed Earth - it was the hardbound copy I got on the day the book was released in India - I had given it to Boo - he never gave it back. I miss it very very much. I miss the angel like kiddo of my friend, she did ask me to come and meet him once on Friday, but then...I don't know these days what's formality and what's from the heart. My voice went to that so called liquid frequency, because that kid is someone I have loved selflessly - if God would give me the power I'd shield him from every bitterness that this world has to offer. I could picture myself looking at his photos and seeing him grow up - but I decided not to go and meet him and make myself weaker.
I go away from this city with empty hands. 2005 January, I had set off from home fresh with such multitude of aspirations. 2013 October, I go with an empty heart and mind. Life has zombied me in this span of time. I am not even in a position to predict how I will be 5 years hence. I can just see myself in the coming couple of months. Learning to drive, learning to play the keyboard, getting a good configuration laptop for myself - where I'd continue learning things I always wanted to learn - and happily reading books. That's about it. I know that God will be with me...in whatever I do, and wherever I go.
No comments:
Post a Comment