Life is going to be simple and uneventful soon enough. I still doubt my decision, but have chosen to go ahead with it. So this site is there... www.virtualpiano.net which has become a kind of bliss for me.
I log in on whichever day I am having a little less work load, and happily play all the tunes I have learnt so far - which inclues twinkle twinkle little star, লাল ঝুঁটি কাকাতুয়া, সখী ভাবনা কাহারে বলে, আলো আমার আলো, and Bach Minuet. Mostly আলো আমার আলো, I was never addicted so much to the song as I am to the tune.
Bahrain is usual, as it is, it is not a very happening place, and I am in a usual routine of work and home and more work and more cheese. Cheese and bread has been my dinner for around 4 days now, one more day and I will start despising even an ethereal thing like cheese :D - not to add the routine breakfast of cornflakes, milk and nutella. I am preparing wonderful homemade ice cream though, with milk, sugar and nutella. Besides got some eggs, which I need to finish up (do I need more protein? God help me). You should see me hogging down lunch at the client bank canteen. Shows that I still remain a major foodie, though I am now a long long long distance away from you. As it is they prepare excellent food, of all different varieties, and another reason is, that is the only proper meal I get in the whole day. As usual, nobody likes Pupu Ray, so, Pupu Ray likes nobody, she has also chosen a lonely existence, and lonely dinners and now almost welcomes it.
Bigg Boss Bangla got over. Konee didn't win, though I supported her quite a bit. I could identify with her in some ways. A stubborn, foolish being - who ends up despising the world without wishing much harm to it, solely because the world has been so unfair to her. I have to live life my own way now - yes I'd have been happier if I had a job to tag along - but if it is not to be, let it not be. I can't compromise anymore and let everyone take advantage of me.
The dreams trouble me you know. I don't understand head or tail of my dreams. I am such a loner in reality, and in my dreams everybody would be there. Mom, dad, friends, didis and aunties streaming in the house, and somewhere a pang, somebody comes and informs me, did you see, your Boo has packed his suitcase, he's all set to go. I'd give painful looks his way, as he would stand in the corner of the room, ready with suitcase, about to leave, whereas rest of the room is so full of laughing and chatting people, as if some celebration is going on. Oh, none of them understand my agony, my splitting apart with witnessing him about to go away forever - except perhaps he himself, a person who'd never change his decision. Why on earth do I have such dreams?
I heard this song in Bigg Boss Bangla for the first time - আহা উত্তাপ কত সুন্দর তুই থার্মোমিটারে মাপলে - and discovered that it had been there all the time in my mobile, perhaps as a result of some random bluetooth download, and I never listened to it because it was called চল রাস্তায় and I assumed for reasons unknown that it is a song by নচিকেতা :( Me and my whims.
I am an imaginative girl ok? I love picturing things. This single line wanted to evoke in my mind images of a lover caring for me when I have fever. Didn't remotely find any such memory. What I remembered was something that made me loathe myself all the more - once I was having an asthma attack and couldn't go to office, and Anand also chose to stay back. All that was good only, but Anand being Anand, he'd never get rid of his animal instincts, so as you can guess, it is not exactly love that he showed, though his intention was to probably take care of me. I keep remembering few things, Anand once told me, he doesn't have a single good memory about us. You can't imagine the heartbreak it causes every time I remember it. A girl who has decidedly given her life to love and worship her man and give her whole existence for him, has nothing left in her, when she's told she's not able to create a single happy moment with him. I realize the reason today - reason is that I never loved Anand, I just accepted him because that'd make him happy. Because you know, if you love someone it can never get this wrong. I still have good memories of bossie, and about Boo, why every night I fall asleep, I feel as if I am sleeping in his arms. Whatever it is, the song mesmerizes me...
তবু বারে বারে তোকে ডাক দি, একি উপহার নাকি শাস্তি, আমি ভুলে যাই কাকে চাইতাম, আর তুই কাকে ভালোবাসতি। আমার কান্না পায়ে, তবু চোখ দিয়ে জল পরেনা আর, নিজেকে বোঝাই, আমার ভাগ্যটাই এমনি, ভালো জিনিস গুলো শুধু চলেই যায়, কোনদিন ফিরে আসেনা আর...
That's ok. I am tired of pretending anyways. I can't live in this world of falsehood. Where you pretend to be what you are not. I am not a fucking Banking Consultant, I never in my entire life have ever wished to make a career in banking. I am not a tech savvy person. If I like anything, I like reading books, like cooking, like being with myself and I like music and arts to some extent. That's it, that's me. I have no talent whatever in anything, only I am good in everything I do. But yes, only because I am good, and I like working, and in this fucking life nothing else is left except work, doesn't mean I will do it for peanuts and live without my parents. I am not a fucking A - well sorry about the cursing :) Does blogger blog such posts? I had written to Boo one stupid mail once - I was half afraid that google might block it and not let him read it. It goes like this:
you know how it is - I don't know why you find it to be sweet...
you keep saying...why you show sweetness...
If I write goodnight mail...it becomes sweet...
If I ask for a kissy...becomes sweet...
and ya...point...if not sweet...then irritating...
I ask for I love u...irritating...
I ask for smile....irritating...
see the fun...sending mail is also wrong...asking for mail is also wrong...
all we r supposed to do....is to seriously and religiously chat about THE GREAT BONG....
FUCK U and U GO AND FUCK UR BONG :@ :@
and man...simple thing u don't understand...very simple thing...
I walk around...I listen to music...watch tv....watch movies...I just work with concentration...man u r like my prince...u just come along...u r always there...
uff...baba....it is u who spoils me...I m this grown up girl otherwise...
u spoil me...u make me become a kid...ask for this thing and that....and refuse to be refused...I become this ziddi kid...never going to give up...
and then u only scold me....n I am sad...that feels so good too...
I feel flexible with u...u can change me...command me...kiss me and kill me...
you are my Othello...I am poor Desdemona...will accept everything...
will tell you one secret today...and once u read it u r supposed to forget it ok? fully forget it and never mention it again...
I once wrote in my diary....
What is life without love? And what is love when your man doesn't possess you completely? I can be with a sex maniac, Hitler of a guy who hits me every night...but I should be his world....his entire world....
I am like that....I would never give in to anyone lesser.... :)
now don't hit me in the night ok? that too u have done....and I actually liked that too....
man it is like...the great me....she is humbled by this nobody? She is like...ok boo boo...sorry boo boo...man I don't bend down before anyone...ANYONE....and you know it very well....
how did u do it? it is like...crap...crazy fellow...I shall never ever talk to him again....kick his balls....and 5 min....lemme minimize citrix window n check if he replied back...
man how do u do it? just how?
Boo...I don't know if our relationship will last...I really don't know....but...I don't want to bend down....in front of you....in front of anybody....but...something makes me look at you with desire and come back to you every time...I hate you at times...absolutely hate you....at other times I am like....what an idiot I have loved (the other day I checked your linkedin profile and was like yuck yuck...can there be a greater moron on earth?) Then what is it that brings me back to you? Why after every 15 min (15 min at max) I will have to...have to...and must remember you despite all my anger...
I don't know....it is a big mail...I'd be rather happy if u don't read it....
you are like beer to me boo...intoxicating...takes away me and my idiot stupid life and ego from myself...I am blank....and serene...and only with you :)
Tell me how you'd feel when this guy, this guy who was my everything, goes and marries an emaciated long toothed girl from nowhere and completely abandons me. Tell me why on earth someone should love to this extent and then suffer this much? Is there anything left in my life? I just give up, give up and give up.
My parents always had great dreams with me. As is common with the Bengali parents of the previous generation, they literally starved to bring us up like royal beings. And what have I given them back? I just return to them like a dead body. And you know what, my parents are the only people on earth, who will handle even that, and still be proud of me and love me - they will never abandon me or take advantage.
And on a lighter note, if blogger doesn't block it, this article will forever stay public, to tell how difficult life can get. I don't trust anybody. I simply can't. The other day this guy came to my room, he takes care of this apartment complex where I am staying. Said he is from Bangladesh and I look like his sister. The next day he again came and got me some fruits. I kind of purposefully misbehaved with him because I don't like anyone showing any affection to me. And here I pine away for love. And I know I am not the only person who suffers like this. This is what happens to you when you are born a human and won't agree to comply with the usual ways of the world.
P.S. - Blogger Stats now shows 10000+ hits to my blog. Have been waiting for this for a long time - though nothing much to achieve in a 6 years existence, but still proof enough that some people read it :) Thanks to my readers - you have no idea what a void you fill up :)
I log in on whichever day I am having a little less work load, and happily play all the tunes I have learnt so far - which inclues twinkle twinkle little star, লাল ঝুঁটি কাকাতুয়া, সখী ভাবনা কাহারে বলে, আলো আমার আলো, and Bach Minuet. Mostly আলো আমার আলো, I was never addicted so much to the song as I am to the tune.
Bahrain is usual, as it is, it is not a very happening place, and I am in a usual routine of work and home and more work and more cheese. Cheese and bread has been my dinner for around 4 days now, one more day and I will start despising even an ethereal thing like cheese :D - not to add the routine breakfast of cornflakes, milk and nutella. I am preparing wonderful homemade ice cream though, with milk, sugar and nutella. Besides got some eggs, which I need to finish up (do I need more protein? God help me). You should see me hogging down lunch at the client bank canteen. Shows that I still remain a major foodie, though I am now a long long long distance away from you. As it is they prepare excellent food, of all different varieties, and another reason is, that is the only proper meal I get in the whole day. As usual, nobody likes Pupu Ray, so, Pupu Ray likes nobody, she has also chosen a lonely existence, and lonely dinners and now almost welcomes it.
Bigg Boss Bangla got over. Konee didn't win, though I supported her quite a bit. I could identify with her in some ways. A stubborn, foolish being - who ends up despising the world without wishing much harm to it, solely because the world has been so unfair to her. I have to live life my own way now - yes I'd have been happier if I had a job to tag along - but if it is not to be, let it not be. I can't compromise anymore and let everyone take advantage of me.
The dreams trouble me you know. I don't understand head or tail of my dreams. I am such a loner in reality, and in my dreams everybody would be there. Mom, dad, friends, didis and aunties streaming in the house, and somewhere a pang, somebody comes and informs me, did you see, your Boo has packed his suitcase, he's all set to go. I'd give painful looks his way, as he would stand in the corner of the room, ready with suitcase, about to leave, whereas rest of the room is so full of laughing and chatting people, as if some celebration is going on. Oh, none of them understand my agony, my splitting apart with witnessing him about to go away forever - except perhaps he himself, a person who'd never change his decision. Why on earth do I have such dreams?
I heard this song in Bigg Boss Bangla for the first time - আহা উত্তাপ কত সুন্দর তুই থার্মোমিটারে মাপলে - and discovered that it had been there all the time in my mobile, perhaps as a result of some random bluetooth download, and I never listened to it because it was called চল রাস্তায় and I assumed for reasons unknown that it is a song by নচিকেতা :( Me and my whims.
I am an imaginative girl ok? I love picturing things. This single line wanted to evoke in my mind images of a lover caring for me when I have fever. Didn't remotely find any such memory. What I remembered was something that made me loathe myself all the more - once I was having an asthma attack and couldn't go to office, and Anand also chose to stay back. All that was good only, but Anand being Anand, he'd never get rid of his animal instincts, so as you can guess, it is not exactly love that he showed, though his intention was to probably take care of me. I keep remembering few things, Anand once told me, he doesn't have a single good memory about us. You can't imagine the heartbreak it causes every time I remember it. A girl who has decidedly given her life to love and worship her man and give her whole existence for him, has nothing left in her, when she's told she's not able to create a single happy moment with him. I realize the reason today - reason is that I never loved Anand, I just accepted him because that'd make him happy. Because you know, if you love someone it can never get this wrong. I still have good memories of bossie, and about Boo, why every night I fall asleep, I feel as if I am sleeping in his arms. Whatever it is, the song mesmerizes me...
তবু বারে বারে তোকে ডাক দি, একি উপহার নাকি শাস্তি, আমি ভুলে যাই কাকে চাইতাম, আর তুই কাকে ভালোবাসতি। আমার কান্না পায়ে, তবু চোখ দিয়ে জল পরেনা আর, নিজেকে বোঝাই, আমার ভাগ্যটাই এমনি, ভালো জিনিস গুলো শুধু চলেই যায়, কোনদিন ফিরে আসেনা আর...
That's ok. I am tired of pretending anyways. I can't live in this world of falsehood. Where you pretend to be what you are not. I am not a fucking Banking Consultant, I never in my entire life have ever wished to make a career in banking. I am not a tech savvy person. If I like anything, I like reading books, like cooking, like being with myself and I like music and arts to some extent. That's it, that's me. I have no talent whatever in anything, only I am good in everything I do. But yes, only because I am good, and I like working, and in this fucking life nothing else is left except work, doesn't mean I will do it for peanuts and live without my parents. I am not a fucking A - well sorry about the cursing :) Does blogger blog such posts? I had written to Boo one stupid mail once - I was half afraid that google might block it and not let him read it. It goes like this:
you know how it is - I don't know why you find it to be sweet...
you keep saying...why you show sweetness...
If I write goodnight mail...it becomes sweet...
If I ask for a kissy...becomes sweet...
and ya...point...if not sweet...then irritating...
I ask for I love u...irritating...
I ask for smile....irritating...
see the fun...sending mail is also wrong...asking for mail is also wrong...
all we r supposed to do....is to seriously and religiously chat about THE GREAT BONG....
FUCK U and U GO AND FUCK UR BONG :@ :@
and man...simple thing u don't understand...very simple thing...
I walk around...I listen to music...watch tv....watch movies...I just work with concentration...man u r like my prince...u just come along...u r always there...
uff...baba....it is u who spoils me...I m this grown up girl otherwise...
u spoil me...u make me become a kid...ask for this thing and that....and refuse to be refused...I become this ziddi kid...never going to give up...
and then u only scold me....n I am sad...that feels so good too...
I feel flexible with u...u can change me...command me...kiss me and kill me...
you are my Othello...I am poor Desdemona...will accept everything...
will tell you one secret today...and once u read it u r supposed to forget it ok? fully forget it and never mention it again...
I once wrote in my diary....
What is life without love? And what is love when your man doesn't possess you completely? I can be with a sex maniac, Hitler of a guy who hits me every night...but I should be his world....his entire world....
I am like that....I would never give in to anyone lesser.... :)
now don't hit me in the night ok? that too u have done....and I actually liked that too....
man it is like...the great me....she is humbled by this nobody? She is like...ok boo boo...sorry boo boo...man I don't bend down before anyone...ANYONE....and you know it very well....
how did u do it? it is like...crap...crazy fellow...I shall never ever talk to him again....kick his balls....and 5 min....lemme minimize citrix window n check if he replied back...
man how do u do it? just how?
Boo...I don't know if our relationship will last...I really don't know....but...I don't want to bend down....in front of you....in front of anybody....but...something makes me look at you with desire and come back to you every time...I hate you at times...absolutely hate you....at other times I am like....what an idiot I have loved (the other day I checked your linkedin profile and was like yuck yuck...can there be a greater moron on earth?) Then what is it that brings me back to you? Why after every 15 min (15 min at max) I will have to...have to...and must remember you despite all my anger...
I don't know....it is a big mail...I'd be rather happy if u don't read it....
you are like beer to me boo...intoxicating...takes away me and my idiot stupid life and ego from myself...I am blank....and serene...and only with you :)
Tell me how you'd feel when this guy, this guy who was my everything, goes and marries an emaciated long toothed girl from nowhere and completely abandons me. Tell me why on earth someone should love to this extent and then suffer this much? Is there anything left in my life? I just give up, give up and give up.
My parents always had great dreams with me. As is common with the Bengali parents of the previous generation, they literally starved to bring us up like royal beings. And what have I given them back? I just return to them like a dead body. And you know what, my parents are the only people on earth, who will handle even that, and still be proud of me and love me - they will never abandon me or take advantage.
And on a lighter note, if blogger doesn't block it, this article will forever stay public, to tell how difficult life can get. I don't trust anybody. I simply can't. The other day this guy came to my room, he takes care of this apartment complex where I am staying. Said he is from Bangladesh and I look like his sister. The next day he again came and got me some fruits. I kind of purposefully misbehaved with him because I don't like anyone showing any affection to me. And here I pine away for love. And I know I am not the only person who suffers like this. This is what happens to you when you are born a human and won't agree to comply with the usual ways of the world.
P.S. - Blogger Stats now shows 10000+ hits to my blog. Have been waiting for this for a long time - though nothing much to achieve in a 6 years existence, but still proof enough that some people read it :) Thanks to my readers - you have no idea what a void you fill up :)
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