The last day before uprooting is always the most difficult. I HATE being uprooted, and that's what has been happening with me time and again. I don't remember facing this problem before my Singapore days. I never never never wanted to leave Singapore and come back. I can't forget the heartbreak I suffered on that day. I lost all my happiness, every bit of it. Oh just how contended I was living there - I never ever wanted that to change.
Since then I have felt the pangs time and again. Each time I left Bangalore and went to Kolkata. Each time I left my parents, granny and my own little mansion and came back to Bangalore. Each time I had to travel abroad. Each time I had to return from abroad. Setting up a place for 2-3 months, getting yourself accustomed to your surroundings, and then suddenly everything changes. There is no permanence. As if I am having this curse on myself - "no you can't have your own heaven on earth, that heaven will always be destroyed".
So many times I have cried on my way. In the train, in the bus, in the metro. The pain was so intolerable. I especially remember way I cried in the MRT on the last day I was coming back from office to my home in Tampines. One more time I remember is when I was going home for that proposal from that Egypt guy, and my bossie decided to turn up in Bangalore on that very day. Oh how I cried. Why do I need to cry like this?
I hate changing homes, ok? Except perhaps my Bangalore home, I have no attachment to it whatsoever, if anything, I am attached to the books, to Appu and Neelu, to my music thingies. But apart from that, every place I have stayed in, including hotel rooms, I have liked them, kept them clean and maintained them as if they are my own. I hate being shifted around.
And to think - I am depressed thinking that this shifting around won't be there after a week's time from now.
তোর কথা খুব মনে পড়ে। আজকাল যেন সবসময় মনে পড়ে, বুঝিনা কেন। এখানে তোর কথা লিখেছি কিন্তু মন খুলে লিখতে পারিনি...কিসের লজ্জায় জানিনা। ঠিক যে লজ্জায় আমি তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারিনা? তোর সঙ্গে নতুন করে কিকরে সম্পর্ক স্থাপন করতে হয় আমি জানিনা। নয়তো তোকে অনলাইন দেখি, তুই আমার ফেসবুক এ আছিস, আমি তো চাইলেই তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারি, তাই না? আসলে কি জানিস ঋত, সেই দিনগুলোর কথা মনে পরে যখন কিছু বলতে লাগত না, তুই বুঝতে পারতিস। You used to be my soul mate right, you'd simply know what's going on in my mind. Now you don't, you are somebody else. Like everyone else, you are also so so far away from me. Only the lady who's given me birth, she's the only one who has that heart's connection left. She realizes what I am going through, without my telling. তুই? তুই এখন অনেক দুরের মানুষ। কি করব জেনে বা বুঝে যে তোকে এখনো ভালবাসি? তাতে আমার একাকিত্বের কোনো হের ফের হবে না। আমি ভীষণ একা ঋত, কিন্তু আমি এত বেশি জেদী, সাধারণ মানুষ ডুবে যাবার আগে শেষ কুটোটা ধরে ভেসে থাকে, আমি ঠিক করেছি, অমন তুচ্ছ একটা জিনিস আঁকড়ে থাকব না, দেখব জিনিসটা ছেড়ে দিলে কি হয়? মরি কি না? মন খারাপ হলে মাতৃভাষা বলতে ইচ্ছে হয় জানিস তো? আর প্রিয় বন্ধুর পাশে বসে অনর্গল বক বক করতে ইচ্ছে হয়...হয়ত তাই করছি...
আমার কোনো প্রিয় বন্ধু নেই জানিস তো? কেউ আমাকে বোঝেই না? আর আমার দোষ, কারো সঙ্গে সামাজিকতা করতে ভালো লাগেনা। কিন্তু তুই তো এককালে ছিলিস, আর যখন ছিলিস, তখন কোনদিন ভাবিনি এরকম একটা দিন আসবে, যখন বিদেশ বিভুয়ে একা ঘরে মন খারাপ করে কাঁদতে কাঁদতে তোকে উদ্দেশ্য করে ব্লগ লিখব :) তুই ভালো থাকিস, আমি গত আট বছরে নিজেকে প্রচুর ধ্বংস করেছি, শেষ কোপ টাও মারতে চলেছি খুব শিগগির। that's it. এখানে খুব কষ্ট করে বাংলা লিখতে হয়, আরব দেশ তো, transliteration doesn't work by default in the browser - চল টাটা :) You didn't feel I am seeking your pity by writing all this right? I want to go back to my childhood, when I'd heard the first songs of Suman. I want to go back to my college days, when I first met you. I still have that impression in my mind, live and animated, of you climbing up the college staircase in a swift motion - much like the photographs in Harry Potter. I don't wanna bother you, just তুই যে বলেছিলি, আমি চাকরি ধরব আর ছাড়ব, I had protested then. That time I had a nice vision in my mind of getting married immediately after college, with a rich person preferably, so that I can buy plenty of story books with his money, and spend my life reading them. Well, I haven't been doing anything much different, except that now it seems, that story books are not sufficient. I know that reading Frankenstein when you are living alone in a room in an alien country is not a good idea, but I am going crazy here. Please tell me that this won't destroy me. Because the hurt ego that is caused everyday otherwise, is actually destroying me.
You know what I dreamed that night? That I have gone to Ireland, for office work, and I am meeting you there, you have discovered some Bengali hotel there and having your lunch. I must be so crazy. I haven't packed yet. I am panic stricken, I just want everything to be all right. You remember that letter I wrote to you about our love being the sapling that both of us didn't care for at the same time, and it died....you know what, it is still alive somewhere inside me - and now in my not so good days, it is what keeps me alive :)
Since then I have felt the pangs time and again. Each time I left Bangalore and went to Kolkata. Each time I left my parents, granny and my own little mansion and came back to Bangalore. Each time I had to travel abroad. Each time I had to return from abroad. Setting up a place for 2-3 months, getting yourself accustomed to your surroundings, and then suddenly everything changes. There is no permanence. As if I am having this curse on myself - "no you can't have your own heaven on earth, that heaven will always be destroyed".
So many times I have cried on my way. In the train, in the bus, in the metro. The pain was so intolerable. I especially remember way I cried in the MRT on the last day I was coming back from office to my home in Tampines. One more time I remember is when I was going home for that proposal from that Egypt guy, and my bossie decided to turn up in Bangalore on that very day. Oh how I cried. Why do I need to cry like this?
I hate changing homes, ok? Except perhaps my Bangalore home, I have no attachment to it whatsoever, if anything, I am attached to the books, to Appu and Neelu, to my music thingies. But apart from that, every place I have stayed in, including hotel rooms, I have liked them, kept them clean and maintained them as if they are my own. I hate being shifted around.
And to think - I am depressed thinking that this shifting around won't be there after a week's time from now.
তোর কথা খুব মনে পড়ে। আজকাল যেন সবসময় মনে পড়ে, বুঝিনা কেন। এখানে তোর কথা লিখেছি কিন্তু মন খুলে লিখতে পারিনি...কিসের লজ্জায় জানিনা। ঠিক যে লজ্জায় আমি তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারিনা? তোর সঙ্গে নতুন করে কিকরে সম্পর্ক স্থাপন করতে হয় আমি জানিনা। নয়তো তোকে অনলাইন দেখি, তুই আমার ফেসবুক এ আছিস, আমি তো চাইলেই তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারি, তাই না? আসলে কি জানিস ঋত, সেই দিনগুলোর কথা মনে পরে যখন কিছু বলতে লাগত না, তুই বুঝতে পারতিস। You used to be my soul mate right, you'd simply know what's going on in my mind. Now you don't, you are somebody else. Like everyone else, you are also so so far away from me. Only the lady who's given me birth, she's the only one who has that heart's connection left. She realizes what I am going through, without my telling. তুই? তুই এখন অনেক দুরের মানুষ। কি করব জেনে বা বুঝে যে তোকে এখনো ভালবাসি? তাতে আমার একাকিত্বের কোনো হের ফের হবে না। আমি ভীষণ একা ঋত, কিন্তু আমি এত বেশি জেদী, সাধারণ মানুষ ডুবে যাবার আগে শেষ কুটোটা ধরে ভেসে থাকে, আমি ঠিক করেছি, অমন তুচ্ছ একটা জিনিস আঁকড়ে থাকব না, দেখব জিনিসটা ছেড়ে দিলে কি হয়? মরি কি না? মন খারাপ হলে মাতৃভাষা বলতে ইচ্ছে হয় জানিস তো? আর প্রিয় বন্ধুর পাশে বসে অনর্গল বক বক করতে ইচ্ছে হয়...হয়ত তাই করছি...
আমার কোনো প্রিয় বন্ধু নেই জানিস তো? কেউ আমাকে বোঝেই না? আর আমার দোষ, কারো সঙ্গে সামাজিকতা করতে ভালো লাগেনা। কিন্তু তুই তো এককালে ছিলিস, আর যখন ছিলিস, তখন কোনদিন ভাবিনি এরকম একটা দিন আসবে, যখন বিদেশ বিভুয়ে একা ঘরে মন খারাপ করে কাঁদতে কাঁদতে তোকে উদ্দেশ্য করে ব্লগ লিখব :) তুই ভালো থাকিস, আমি গত আট বছরে নিজেকে প্রচুর ধ্বংস করেছি, শেষ কোপ টাও মারতে চলেছি খুব শিগগির। that's it. এখানে খুব কষ্ট করে বাংলা লিখতে হয়, আরব দেশ তো, transliteration doesn't work by default in the browser - চল টাটা :) You didn't feel I am seeking your pity by writing all this right? I want to go back to my childhood, when I'd heard the first songs of Suman. I want to go back to my college days, when I first met you. I still have that impression in my mind, live and animated, of you climbing up the college staircase in a swift motion - much like the photographs in Harry Potter. I don't wanna bother you, just তুই যে বলেছিলি, আমি চাকরি ধরব আর ছাড়ব, I had protested then. That time I had a nice vision in my mind of getting married immediately after college, with a rich person preferably, so that I can buy plenty of story books with his money, and spend my life reading them. Well, I haven't been doing anything much different, except that now it seems, that story books are not sufficient. I know that reading Frankenstein when you are living alone in a room in an alien country is not a good idea, but I am going crazy here. Please tell me that this won't destroy me. Because the hurt ego that is caused everyday otherwise, is actually destroying me.
You know what I dreamed that night? That I have gone to Ireland, for office work, and I am meeting you there, you have discovered some Bengali hotel there and having your lunch. I must be so crazy. I haven't packed yet. I am panic stricken, I just want everything to be all right. You remember that letter I wrote to you about our love being the sapling that both of us didn't care for at the same time, and it died....you know what, it is still alive somewhere inside me - and now in my not so good days, it is what keeps me alive :)
No comments:
Post a Comment