For once I am going to write something different. Because of last night's dream. That left such a sweet taste in my mouth, it still lingers.
I am able to remember my dreams these days. Distinctly and clearly. And that way, I can facilitate being my perfect guinea pig. I can analyze what actually is going on in my mind. How I am feeling. What I actually want in my subconscious. And if I am going in the right direction, i.e. whatever I am doing for myself, I am doing it right.
I can't describe the dream. For the simple reason that I feel shy. I didn't know that one evening's shyness when he had touched my cheek to have a look at my earring, remains so deep rooted in my mind. That navy blue color of his shirt, that walk together we had in the rain, when we were coming back after having watched our first and only movie together, that feeling of intense oneness as we walked on in the so called cultural center of Kolkata, overlooking vast stretches of greenery, along with the urge I have of going back to my city, mingles up and creates a strange nostalgia. And in my dream I end up being in yet another new country. Clumsy and unsmart as usual, I kind of embarrass my colleagues until I very unexpectedly discover him, having his lunch alone. I think in my mind that of all places, this is a place where I'd have least expected to meet him, but for him, he is unperturbed. He never worried about me much, he had always accepted me the way I am. He is never romantic in the dream, just natural. Romance surges through me, kind of washes me over. I can feel my feet trembling. I am unsteady and drop my food, and everyone else around laughs. He ignores. As I said, he's habituated with me. And I also don't feel stupid with him. I can ask him whatever is there in my mind. Things like "don't you get lost in your house? It is so complicated" (to which he'd answer, no I am used to it from when I was born) or "don't you get afraid when you walk on these roads? Houses are so old here, they are almost bending down, they can fall anytime" (he'd simply say - they haven't fallen yet).
I am painfully aware of the truth all along. I am in my senses throughout the dream. I know he no more belongs to me, I know we haven't talked for ages. I know his being there doesn't help decrease my loneliness, because we have different lives. Knowing everything, I just live in the moment, I just bask in the glory of being with him, way I used to do when we were young. I have always been so so proud of him. I don't want him to call me home, to introduce me to his family, this little time with him, sitting beside him and having lunch, in an unknown foreign country (I incidentally remember which country - a country I have never been to, and never dreamed of being to - a country I was not even sure is part of EU or UK - but all the same it seemed familiar with its cobbled roads and all) - that was happiness enough for me.
I had written last time about good memories. If I think back, I have the best memories of my life with him. Every memory with him is good, except perhaps a couple - his habit of hanging up the phone abruptly and my going on talking as if he's still there, and the last harsh remark he had made when we had our last phone call, that I am getting intolerable. But that doesn't hurt me anymore. Things actually went very wrong because of the choices I had made, may be in his wisdom, he'd have seen the result right then. I don't know. I don't know. All I can think of is, if we hadn't been such kids then, if we were guided properly, we could have had a very nice life together. Or who knows, it also might have gone wrong. In life, you can never say. He certainly had some habit which I didn't like, only because of my hero worship of him, I ignored them.
As I said, I don't want to analyze. I just keep enjoying that sweetness the dream left. And I realize, this is the only thing that can make me happy. Being with someone who loves me, who knows me and accepts me the way I am, and who lets me go free without clipping my wings. And I realize something else too. He'll be there forever in my heart, wherever further away he might be physically. Actually it is better that he never comes near me, I am too much overwhelmed by his presence. Like a maiden freshly in love....
Ha ha, you know what, now it seems funny, but when I wrote the last entry, I was devastated. I cried for an hour, and went to sleep without food. It was all a result of that last day mail being sent to HR - which was such a clear indication that my career is about to end. My career, the only thing I had - as a substitute for a normal life. And all the time I kept taking his name and complaining to him - "...you said I have to have a career, you said I can leave a job only to take up another, you said...you said..."
See, that's it...I love him so so much...that I go crimson at the very mention of his name...I...I can take his name, but I can't write it here...I...I am at a loss for words...
I am able to remember my dreams these days. Distinctly and clearly. And that way, I can facilitate being my perfect guinea pig. I can analyze what actually is going on in my mind. How I am feeling. What I actually want in my subconscious. And if I am going in the right direction, i.e. whatever I am doing for myself, I am doing it right.
I can't describe the dream. For the simple reason that I feel shy. I didn't know that one evening's shyness when he had touched my cheek to have a look at my earring, remains so deep rooted in my mind. That navy blue color of his shirt, that walk together we had in the rain, when we were coming back after having watched our first and only movie together, that feeling of intense oneness as we walked on in the so called cultural center of Kolkata, overlooking vast stretches of greenery, along with the urge I have of going back to my city, mingles up and creates a strange nostalgia. And in my dream I end up being in yet another new country. Clumsy and unsmart as usual, I kind of embarrass my colleagues until I very unexpectedly discover him, having his lunch alone. I think in my mind that of all places, this is a place where I'd have least expected to meet him, but for him, he is unperturbed. He never worried about me much, he had always accepted me the way I am. He is never romantic in the dream, just natural. Romance surges through me, kind of washes me over. I can feel my feet trembling. I am unsteady and drop my food, and everyone else around laughs. He ignores. As I said, he's habituated with me. And I also don't feel stupid with him. I can ask him whatever is there in my mind. Things like "don't you get lost in your house? It is so complicated" (to which he'd answer, no I am used to it from when I was born) or "don't you get afraid when you walk on these roads? Houses are so old here, they are almost bending down, they can fall anytime" (he'd simply say - they haven't fallen yet).
I am painfully aware of the truth all along. I am in my senses throughout the dream. I know he no more belongs to me, I know we haven't talked for ages. I know his being there doesn't help decrease my loneliness, because we have different lives. Knowing everything, I just live in the moment, I just bask in the glory of being with him, way I used to do when we were young. I have always been so so proud of him. I don't want him to call me home, to introduce me to his family, this little time with him, sitting beside him and having lunch, in an unknown foreign country (I incidentally remember which country - a country I have never been to, and never dreamed of being to - a country I was not even sure is part of EU or UK - but all the same it seemed familiar with its cobbled roads and all) - that was happiness enough for me.
I had written last time about good memories. If I think back, I have the best memories of my life with him. Every memory with him is good, except perhaps a couple - his habit of hanging up the phone abruptly and my going on talking as if he's still there, and the last harsh remark he had made when we had our last phone call, that I am getting intolerable. But that doesn't hurt me anymore. Things actually went very wrong because of the choices I had made, may be in his wisdom, he'd have seen the result right then. I don't know. I don't know. All I can think of is, if we hadn't been such kids then, if we were guided properly, we could have had a very nice life together. Or who knows, it also might have gone wrong. In life, you can never say. He certainly had some habit which I didn't like, only because of my hero worship of him, I ignored them.
As I said, I don't want to analyze. I just keep enjoying that sweetness the dream left. And I realize, this is the only thing that can make me happy. Being with someone who loves me, who knows me and accepts me the way I am, and who lets me go free without clipping my wings. And I realize something else too. He'll be there forever in my heart, wherever further away he might be physically. Actually it is better that he never comes near me, I am too much overwhelmed by his presence. Like a maiden freshly in love....
Ha ha, you know what, now it seems funny, but when I wrote the last entry, I was devastated. I cried for an hour, and went to sleep without food. It was all a result of that last day mail being sent to HR - which was such a clear indication that my career is about to end. My career, the only thing I had - as a substitute for a normal life. And all the time I kept taking his name and complaining to him - "...you said I have to have a career, you said I can leave a job only to take up another, you said...you said..."
See, that's it...I love him so so much...that I go crimson at the very mention of his name...I...I can take his name, but I can't write it here...I...I am at a loss for words...
No comments:
Post a Comment