In complete contrast to the night when I wrote the last entry, yesterday night was blissful. I am really truly grateful to the 4-5 kids I have seen very closely in life, Jonty, my cousin sister's elder kid (he is now some 16 or 18, but ya, I haven't met him for ages, I still remember the way I saw him when he was barely 1 or 2 years old), Ishaan, Prakash's and Reena bhabhi's son, who was always like the most important person in our SG gang, Riyan, Sanhita-di's son, Cucu, Meenus's son and my cousin brother's daughter Shanu with whom I spent 3 days in Delhi. All of these kids have been in their infancy when I met them, and have done all in their ability to charm up my life. Why I was so happy yesterday was mostly due to the chance I got to spend an entire evening with Cucu and to have contributed in my own small way to make him happy.
My mind, so full of contentment, just looked for the person, with whom I have laughed the most. The person who understood and appreciated and was proud of me in a way nobody would be. After so many days and so much proof, I simply can't believe that he is actually so different from what he had been to me once upon a time. My eyes welled up with tears, for reasons I can't quite perceive. Were they tears of happiness to see the reunited family, or tears of sorrow at the uselessness of my own life? Because as much as I might strive to achieve happiness for everyone I care for, I have always miserably failed to fulfill my own dreams. And now my nights are effectively dreamless, I wake up every morning with a strange kind of lethargy, and absolutely nothing to look forward to. If it is going to be such meaningless sustenance, it better be done in seclusion, so that I at least stop being an eyesore to the otherwise happy world around me.
Well, so in my state of unknown restlessness, I booked my final air ticket from Bangalore to return forever to Kolkata. 5th October. One year from the very same day last year, when I had my last bike ride with Boo, unconscious of the fact that it is going to be our last moment of togetherness. I want to get rid of the phrase "as usual". I can't let life go on "as usual". If it doesn't change its course by itself, I shall change it forcefully. It is my life, I have the right to do what I want with it. But yes, it is still a long time ahead...a count down of 110 days (I remember my 90+ days countdown during the notice period with the previous company and 114, I guess, days of countdown after 10th Board exam till the results were out - which all thankfully, got over, so even this one would, at some point in time).
Would I be happy or sad to leave Bangalore? Don't know. This place doesn't have anything more to offer to me. I am in the winding up mood, got started on the retirement financials (sounds hugely amusing even to me, but since I wouldn't like to compromise on my life style and wouldn't exactly beg for a job or settle for any job I get in Kolkata, until and unless it gives me enough challenges and seems interesting - so I am researching and planning on money multiplication on my meager - millionaire's corpus - as well as I can)...planning on utilizing the next two travels to transport most of my wardrobe and books to Kolkata - all these things have been initiated. No point trying to prove to the world that I don't care about the hurts I received. I do, I really do...they have shattered me. So much so that moment I am little happy, my destiny laughs at my foolish attempts to smile and mercilessly points out to me the numerous reasons I am supposed to be morosed...and I just can't stop my eyes from moistening up...I am a broken person, I want some recluse. Period.
My mind, so full of contentment, just looked for the person, with whom I have laughed the most. The person who understood and appreciated and was proud of me in a way nobody would be. After so many days and so much proof, I simply can't believe that he is actually so different from what he had been to me once upon a time. My eyes welled up with tears, for reasons I can't quite perceive. Were they tears of happiness to see the reunited family, or tears of sorrow at the uselessness of my own life? Because as much as I might strive to achieve happiness for everyone I care for, I have always miserably failed to fulfill my own dreams. And now my nights are effectively dreamless, I wake up every morning with a strange kind of lethargy, and absolutely nothing to look forward to. If it is going to be such meaningless sustenance, it better be done in seclusion, so that I at least stop being an eyesore to the otherwise happy world around me.
Well, so in my state of unknown restlessness, I booked my final air ticket from Bangalore to return forever to Kolkata. 5th October. One year from the very same day last year, when I had my last bike ride with Boo, unconscious of the fact that it is going to be our last moment of togetherness. I want to get rid of the phrase "as usual". I can't let life go on "as usual". If it doesn't change its course by itself, I shall change it forcefully. It is my life, I have the right to do what I want with it. But yes, it is still a long time ahead...a count down of 110 days (I remember my 90+ days countdown during the notice period with the previous company and 114, I guess, days of countdown after 10th Board exam till the results were out - which all thankfully, got over, so even this one would, at some point in time).
Would I be happy or sad to leave Bangalore? Don't know. This place doesn't have anything more to offer to me. I am in the winding up mood, got started on the retirement financials (sounds hugely amusing even to me, but since I wouldn't like to compromise on my life style and wouldn't exactly beg for a job or settle for any job I get in Kolkata, until and unless it gives me enough challenges and seems interesting - so I am researching and planning on money multiplication on my meager - millionaire's corpus - as well as I can)...planning on utilizing the next two travels to transport most of my wardrobe and books to Kolkata - all these things have been initiated. No point trying to prove to the world that I don't care about the hurts I received. I do, I really do...they have shattered me. So much so that moment I am little happy, my destiny laughs at my foolish attempts to smile and mercilessly points out to me the numerous reasons I am supposed to be morosed...and I just can't stop my eyes from moistening up...I am a broken person, I want some recluse. Period.
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