I am so so emotionally drained today. Never felt so exhausted for a long time now. As much as I seem to like emotional drama in life, I have gone a long distance from the regular "nautanki" that happened in my life every now and then till last October. These few months freedom has made me light at heart...that premonition of imminent turmoil is gone entirely. There was one time if I wouldn't cry myself to sleep it wouldn't seem to be a normal day. Now it is I, me and myself na, everything is predictable, mundane and as a result harmless.
I don't know why on earth I agreed to extend my term in this place. I would have gone away in couple of weeks, and that would be the end of it all.But no, I being me, need to keep my words no. Each and every word I have given knowingly or unknowingly. That I won't blame him for spoiling my career. I can still see myself sitting behind him on the scooter, the day when I revoked my resignation last September. He was very happy, wanted to take me to Koramangla, I had to deposit my last Prague onsite's cheque in my bank. I could have gone alone, but he insisted he wanted to take me, even though it was starting to rain. And then I was just telling him, Boo don't break my dream na, I really want to complete 10 years of my career and then go, this the only thing I can do for myself, please help me achieve it na? He said, if you want to blame me for not achieving it, so be it. I failed to realize in my blindness of faith that the erosion of that trust was already way beyond control. Everything was falling apart. I still decided to hold on to my trust on him and on my God, who knew how soon both of them would fail me.
During this time, we used to go to this park in Koramangla 6th block. His condition was, buy me corn, I will sit and listen to your blabbering. We went there twice, once on our first anniversary, and then on 5th September. Mostly we talked about us, or rather I talked. But I had asked him if I should approach my friend's estranged husband...if that'd be a proper thing to do, considering I don't even know the guy. He just told me, if someone has trusted you with her life, you must try once.
So finally, it appears, just to keep his wish, I am stretching my stay in Bangalore till the time 10 years of my at a stretch career is achieved. Just to abide by his suggestion, I drain myself to counsel my friend and her husband, and find both of them throwing away a fortune which I won't get even if I beg. I try my best to convince them but ego seems to be a far more important thing than togetherness. Priorities are important you see, love is not. Love was important only for the stupid idiot girl who gave her everything to love, only to pine away in loneliness. He also used to tell me, you can't change people. He used to get agitated when I suffered because of the reason that people failed to see the point I was trying to put in for their own benefit. There was a time when he didn't want me to suffer. There was a time too, when he said, he cannot live long without seeing me, I shouldn't go to faraway places like the US, where he can't even go and see me when he'd miss me.
I dug up the chat logs after a long time today, just to prove to myself that I had not been dreaming. And here's the proof - and it's not long back also, date tells me it was 18th April last year.
me: u remember u only told me in one of ur romantic moods...that I shdn't go to US coz its very far away...otherwise wherever else I go...u'll come over...to meet me :)
he: its not romantic.. mood.
i still say the same
:)
me: ok... and I still believe u :)
he: done
me: so long as u stay near me...I dont need u to be romantic
:)
Ok, so one year later, today I was returning to my desk and he was going with his friends for tea. Our paths crossed and we were forced to face each other. You should have seen his reaction, he couldn't decide which way to turn, how to avoid me, how to preserve his chastity. For a moment I felt like a real untouchable. I moved to the corner as he passed me and walked on in haste. So I have become like that - in one year's time, your sweet girl, whom you couldn't stay away from, you hate her very shadow. That is all that is left of love and its various manifestations.
You ever realize how you make me feel???
I don't know why on earth I agreed to extend my term in this place. I would have gone away in couple of weeks, and that would be the end of it all.But no, I being me, need to keep my words no. Each and every word I have given knowingly or unknowingly. That I won't blame him for spoiling my career. I can still see myself sitting behind him on the scooter, the day when I revoked my resignation last September. He was very happy, wanted to take me to Koramangla, I had to deposit my last Prague onsite's cheque in my bank. I could have gone alone, but he insisted he wanted to take me, even though it was starting to rain. And then I was just telling him, Boo don't break my dream na, I really want to complete 10 years of my career and then go, this the only thing I can do for myself, please help me achieve it na? He said, if you want to blame me for not achieving it, so be it. I failed to realize in my blindness of faith that the erosion of that trust was already way beyond control. Everything was falling apart. I still decided to hold on to my trust on him and on my God, who knew how soon both of them would fail me.
During this time, we used to go to this park in Koramangla 6th block. His condition was, buy me corn, I will sit and listen to your blabbering. We went there twice, once on our first anniversary, and then on 5th September. Mostly we talked about us, or rather I talked. But I had asked him if I should approach my friend's estranged husband...if that'd be a proper thing to do, considering I don't even know the guy. He just told me, if someone has trusted you with her life, you must try once.
So finally, it appears, just to keep his wish, I am stretching my stay in Bangalore till the time 10 years of my at a stretch career is achieved. Just to abide by his suggestion, I drain myself to counsel my friend and her husband, and find both of them throwing away a fortune which I won't get even if I beg. I try my best to convince them but ego seems to be a far more important thing than togetherness. Priorities are important you see, love is not. Love was important only for the stupid idiot girl who gave her everything to love, only to pine away in loneliness. He also used to tell me, you can't change people. He used to get agitated when I suffered because of the reason that people failed to see the point I was trying to put in for their own benefit. There was a time when he didn't want me to suffer. There was a time too, when he said, he cannot live long without seeing me, I shouldn't go to faraway places like the US, where he can't even go and see me when he'd miss me.
I dug up the chat logs after a long time today, just to prove to myself that I had not been dreaming. And here's the proof - and it's not long back also, date tells me it was 18th April last year.
me: u remember u only told me in one of ur romantic moods...that I shdn't go to US coz its very far away...otherwise wherever else I go...u'll come over...to meet me :)
he: its not romantic.. mood.
i still say the same
:)
me: ok... and I still believe u :)
he: done
me: so long as u stay near me...I dont need u to be romantic
:)
Ok, so one year later, today I was returning to my desk and he was going with his friends for tea. Our paths crossed and we were forced to face each other. You should have seen his reaction, he couldn't decide which way to turn, how to avoid me, how to preserve his chastity. For a moment I felt like a real untouchable. I moved to the corner as he passed me and walked on in haste. So I have become like that - in one year's time, your sweet girl, whom you couldn't stay away from, you hate her very shadow. That is all that is left of love and its various manifestations.
You ever realize how you make me feel???
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