Some place else...please...

I am a crazy girl, no really...don't laugh. I am. I call myself crazy because I do things no one else of my age would be able to do. I sleep in the day time, and remain awake at nights. I watch movies, serials (Adaalat in Sony TV is my favorite), read, write and do a full time job also. I eat a lot, in different restaurants, and I eat all kinds of cuisine. I do not cook and I am never forced to cook, but then when I cook, the food always turns out to be amazing. Ya, I do lack a bit in traveling around, but courtesy my job, I have traveled more in India and around the world than I'd expect to do with my limited means.

Look at my friends. They are not having free time as I do...they have to look after their husbands, kids, and family members in general. They would be much more held up with this problem and that, because, considering I have very little responsibilities and very less number of people in my life - the amount of problems that I face everyday, I even shudder to think of the issues that might be coming up in their everyday lives. And then comes the depression. Oh, my husband doesn't care for me is the biggest one I hear. Then, my kid doesn't eat properly, or is turning out to be a really pampered child (who pampered? you did...I feel like telling, but somehow manage to keep quiet). There are other things. Husbands cheating on wives, wives cheating on husbands, and then I have also heard stories about - I broke up with my lover (the one who was being there along with the spouse), so I am depressed. And then I silently observe people and their bloated egos. I love money - I can admit it very simply and I have done it in my blog and with my friends a thousand times. I love money but I am not attached to it...I just keep track of my expenditure. But frankly, I have seen people who are every bit concerned about money, and won't be brave enough to admit it. And at the same time, keep complaining about problems related to financials. Fact of the matter is, people lack transparency in their own mind.

I have been reading this book called A Touch of Greatness. So, I particularly liked what Mother Teresa said, "If you judge people, you have no time to love them". I see the drama going around me, people being unhappy for no apparent reason or for reasons they only have created. I thank God a thousand times for giving me enough logical sense, so as not to fall prey to such "self inflicted penance" in this one small life. Perhaps once upon a time, even I used to get victimized by petty things, but not anymore. These days, when I feel sad, it is always a temporary affair. I vent out in my blog, have a long chat with mom and there goes the choking feeling. I become neutral and refreshed again. This time, I got a little more involved than usual. So I suffered a little more. But then, I was to be blamed as, I didn't put the brake at the right time. As always, I thought I can make good things happen. As always, I wanted to return the love I had received and was kicked in the belly and told that I am not wanted, and not required. My friendships don't last - it is something that is clearly written in my destiny. Well...only reinforces my idea of taking refuge and going back to my parents - I don't understand this selfish world and the world doesn't understand the selflessness in me. It is as simple as that. Thank God, I don't have a life like others. Thank God I have my liberty. Thank God I am not chained.

The last couple of weeks have exhausted me. I haven't slept properly, haven't been eating properly, not even drinking water properly. I'd always ensure that I drink at least 2 litres of water everyday, and hardly I was drinking a glass or two. And occasionally I'd question myself, why am I doing this? I'd be so tired once I'd return home, I'd forget my beauty routines, my story books, everything. Last week I applied a hurried coat of brown nail paint on the already existing blue one, just to keep in accordance to my custom of changing nail polish color every week. This week, trust me, I don't even feel like doing that. Last week was a rare time when I didn't even shampoo my hair in the middle of the week. That is the cost I pay to survive another 3 months in this hellhole. It is a grueling task, I have to simply forget about my well being to stay here. First there is that monster, as if that was not enough, now there is this other failed friendship of mine. I really look forward to getting rid of this place, and yes Bangalore as a whole. Kolkata might have crazy politicos and a scary social condition, and no job and no money, but it has my parents, my home sweet home and nobody to blame me for my good intentions. Ha ha, marriage counselling is not my cup of tea - I'm one poor unmarried girl of 33 after all...what do I understand of human relationships? Human relationships are all about falsehood and pretensions, I am one brutally honest person who calls a spade a spade.

The turtle tried, and failed...

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Chinese_Stories/The_frog_of_the_well

I really don't look forward to the next few months, but what the hell, just bring it on...ok, I wholeheartedly accept Boo's statement, that I cannot change people. At least not people from his God damned company (which happens to be my employer also at present, but yes, what the hell, I am foul mouthing against it, and would have done that even if I hadn't been in notice period). Thing is, if anything personifies the "frog in the well" adage, this place does. People here are narrow minded, lack imagination and  empathy and are blind to the extreme extent about reality (Reality, WHO?). And yes, in general all of them, and specially the veterans suffer from "I am always right" syndrome, even when probably they are all set to destroy their lives' prospects by means of their follies. And yes, obviously this is followed by "the other person is always wrong" syndrome too. As an add on, it is never, "ok, you have a point here" - it is always, "if you don't agree with me, just get lost".

Why am I being so angry? Not for any external reason, purely for my own stupidity. I had resigned on 26th of April, I'd have been released by now. It was my foolishness that I agreed to stay back and complete this project. As it is, there is hardly any chance that project will get completed by the time I leave, because there are no resources in the team and then there is no visibility about client intentions. In between, I am stuck up like a crazy idiot, I have to go everyday to that friendless place where I am thoroughly lonely and totally unwanted and misunderstood. But yes, I knew what I am signing up for, and fine, I am ok about it. Dear God, I accept that I needed to learn a lot of lessons in life, and I am open minded about learning those, but please don't expect me to teach anything to anyone anymore. I have lost heart - I cannot try and change non receptive people, and I cannot bother for them and do away with my own peace of mind.

And yes, I am being angry for one more small reason, I had been grateful to a girl and her family for the way they had taken care of me in my crisis period, and I had blindly loved the girl like my little sister and wanted to give her the happiness I'd never be able to get for myself. But then, once again Boo is correct, 2 weeks or 2 months are not enough to know a person, a lifetime isn't sufficient at times. God helps those who help themselves sounds like an understatement now, God and intelligent human beings should not even try to help those who don't know how to help themselves. They should just be left to their stubbornness.

Well, all I can say is my life is in a state which you reach when you have just eaten some pretty yummy looking stuff, only to discover it has equally opposite kinda taste. Shit man, 3 more months of career and learning seemed fun, but in this hellhole???

Someone else's husband...and the Madras high court verdict...

The biggest thing I fail to understand is why I love him so much. Let alone so much, why do I love him at all after what he has done to me?

Me and M, happy with our drive in at McDs (which also got us some free drive in coupon which we dint even open and see to know in details about the freebies we are entitled to, but simply got happy), came back sporting our packets of McSpicy paneer meal and entered a seemingly empty 3rd floor pantry, only to discover him sitting at the last table near the window with one of his favorite Tam PMs. They were in some local language discussions when the other guy got a call and our gentleman just chose to keep sitting there, with the worst possible frown on his face. No, he didn't look at me, and no he made no attempts to leave. It was we who finished the lunch and left finally...he stayed back and just waited for the other guy's various calls to get over. Oh that frown, how it kept bothering me. How long will she continue to be in front of my eyes and keep troubling me, is all that the frown said, or may be, why doesn't she simply die?

It rained a lot last evening, a sudden rain that gave me a chance to meet Cucu for a while. The child can spread so much joy, it is absolutely unimaginable. I was in a strange mood, I chose not to wear the woolen scarf I always carry to protect myself from catching cold, while I was returning home in the auto. What with getting wet in the rain, the car AC and the auto ride afterwards, I woke up at 4 o'clock in the morning sneezing vigorously. Since then my ailments keep branching in several other directions as well, body pain, sore throat and what not. And I have not been near him even for once. He has that stupid cold of his that bothers him so much. Didn't come to office on Thursday, Friday he comes decked up in a full sleeve sweater. For once like magic I returned to my 1 year old self, and whispered to M, should I give him a kissy? He'd be alright then...and then in my horror I discovered, shit, shit man shit, I can't talk like this about somebody else's husband...

So there comes the point of contention. Somebody else's husband is it? What has the high court of his state ruled? "If a bachelor aged 21 years or above and a spinster aged 18 years or above had premarital sex with intention to marry and subsequent to this the man deserts the woman, the victim woman can approach a civil forum for remedy after producing necessary substantial evidence to grant her social status as wife. This remedy is not only for the purpose of giving relief to the victim woman but also to maintain the cultural integrity of India." - a verdict that is all over the social media anyways. So sweetheart, you needn't defend yourself. We didn't have premarital sex in the proper sense of the term, but yes sexual gratification was definitely there when we slept together, and then you did mention that you have waited for 29 years for this, which actually means quite clearly that I was the first girl you slept with. You didn't promise to marry me, but didn't say at the same time that you have no intention to marry me, for as I felt at that time, there was a lot of love involved. So even I didn't ask questions and didn't probe you further, I just trusted you and went with your emotions. Whom to trust if not one's best friend, tell me? A best friend that has known my wounds - was it so wrong to assume that he won't hurt in the same place? Was it so wrong to trust in God and believe in the miracle that was happening? So my dear Boo Boo, am I right or am I right, if I question the sanctity of your marriage? It is your own state's high court which suggests you are guilty as hell.

Having said that, your frowns and unhappiness still troubles me. And trust me I'd go away. I love my career to an extreme extent, but then, this place stifles me. Everyday I am the sole witness of the immense effort it takes on my part, just to take myself to office. Yes I love my work, but then, because nothing else is in sync, and I am not habituated to such extensive abuse, I have decided to call it quits. I don't call myself courageous. I couldn't bring you down and slap you in public for what you have done. But then I am vulnerable enough with my baseless emotions for you - so just forgive me for this outburst...I needed to tell the truth somewhere - I need to unmask you somewhere...as much as I love you...there is no denying that you are indeed a monster....one more time you show me the frowning face of yours....I'd be brave enough to face you and tell that it is entirely your problem that you can't deal with the situation your mistakes have created...you dare not blame me for anything...

The chilled beer philosophy revisited...

I long to write about how happy it made me to have a bottle of chilled beer after a year's gap, but then when you are drunk you don't feel like writing...you feel lazy...you feel like...jao yaar kisko sunna hai meri baat, aur kisko sunana hai? Nahi likhni mujhe toh...kuchh bhi..

You feel so lazy that you don't even feel like removing your make up...or brushing your teeth...neither do you feel like falling asleep without doing these chores. But tell you what...all the same drinking beer is associated with such a feel good factor...you just feel...এই ছোট্ট ছোট্ট পায়ে চলতে চলতে ঠিক পৌঁছে যাব - সেই চাঁদের পাহাড় দেখতে পাব - সেই চাঁদের পাহাড় মাথায় যাহার রামধনু রং খেলে দেখতে পাব - ঠিক পৌঁছে যাব ...to translate...with these little footsteps of mine...I shall reach the moon someday and be able to touch the rainbow.

I know man, I know that'd never happen. It is such an unfair world. But then...I don't deserve anything good because of something wrong that I must have done sometime in this life or the previous ones. I must take my punishment with as much dignity as possible. And then I am one person who keeps finding happiness in life, for myself and for people surrounding me. Ya my entries don't show that, agreed, but that has a reason, I have mostly used my blog for venting out my frustrations, for there's no one I can share that with. So far as happiness is concerned, I am all game to spread and share it...

I don't fit in man, I am such a misfit here. I am not what I used to be...not the pampered stylish girl visiting casinos in Genting, not the girl who danced crazily during DJ nights in her previous company during the training days which date back 8 years...I am old now...I don't belong anywhere...also, at the same time I cannot take sarcasms, I am what I am. Good, bad, whatever, to me, in my eyes, I am the best. I hate being judged. And in this world everyone is so so insecure, they are always judging each other.

Whatever...I am simple girl with simple requirements. I am happy when my friends are happy. I am unhappy when my friends don't understand me or hit me in a rather insensitive way and perhaps purposefully, but I don't care. God has never given me what I have wanted...so that's ok. As I know...I deserve this misery, but then I won't let it take away my life. Nobody can take away my happiness if I choose to be happy.

Beer tastes good man...I still love beer...I still love you also...today in the game of two truth and a lie, I wanted to tell - my most favorite person on earth works in the same company...but then it would have been giving you away...you...the chaste, pious,  "epitome of purity" you...hai na? How can I do that man...but man I still love beer...and I still believe we'd have made the best couple on earth, only you didn't have the guts. I didn't lose you, you know? You lost the best girl on earth...but then...see the fun...this mishap din't mess up your life at all...it ruined mine...in an absolutely irreversible way...

Why is my world so different from the real world?

You know what's the biggest fun about being alive? It is to know human beings...to get to know, how they think, how their characters change, what they really are and what they pretend to be. The next best thing is freedom. So many people die all the time even while taking breath, because they are not free. What is being alive without being free? What is life that has been compromised?

And here comes in my next and most important point, perhaps the actual topic of today's post. Does remaining free mean being selfish? Is compromise a good thing? Are human beings ever black or white? Can I meet someone and call them good, and maintain my opinion for life long? What if I start seeing shades of gray in them, what if the gray keeps becoming progressively black? Then what about the reasons that had helped me form the "good" opinion? Can that positive really coexist with so much negative, and belong to one and the same person?

And then I analyze myself. What a strange girl I am. If I analyze my walk back home from St John's hospital bus stop yesterday and today, I was in two so different poles of thought? What am I? Good or bad? What do I want in life? To spread happiness or to spread sorrow? To be selfish or to be selfless?

As I had imagined, I have already started repenting on my decision to stay back for another 3 months. I again feel like a boat rocking dangerously in the stormy river. Why has God made me so perfectly poised? If someone is too innocent and fails to understand sarcasm, I find them stupid, if someone is too sarcastic and fails to understand innocence, I find them selfish. In fact I can probably tolerate the former goof up, but I absolutely hate when someone would misinterpret and distort the meaning of words spoken in absolute innocence.

I can't quite explain the mixed feeling. Something chokes me. At the same time I look into the mirror and find myself beautiful. I am scared to remember one particular Suchitra Bhattacharya short story I had read some time back - and had wondered, is this ever possible? And today with all my nastiness and wrath, I tell myself, why wouldn't it be possible? Why should kind people suffer at the hand of unkind ones? And then I think, who am I to judge what can be called as kindness, given the fact that it is not a consistent feature in a particular individual? And I really truly long for my Boo, I just want to cling on to him and cry to my heart's content. For only he would have understood what I am going through. For once I purposely want to listen to his scolding - why do you have to analyze people, why do you have to come to a conclusion, and why do you suffer so much when your ideas are proved wrong? Am I a live ticking bomb these days? Otherwise why do so many familiar faces avoid me in the office? Are they scared about when I might go off? I can't backtrack now on my commitment, I shall do whatever little that is possible and then quietly walk away - I cannot take so much stress. It is not that I hate my work, on the contrary I love it. I can't take the people around me and their whims, and at times I can't take my own idiosyncrasies. Why is my world so different from the real world?

And then from my bus window, I see the double amputee beggar dragging himself on the broken footpath of Bangalore. You can't give up na? 

The countdown begins...

In complete contrast to the night when I wrote the last entry, yesterday night was blissful. I am really truly grateful to the 4-5 kids I have seen very closely in  life, Jonty, my cousin sister's elder kid (he is now some 16 or 18, but ya, I haven't met him for ages, I still remember the way I saw him when he was barely 1 or 2 years old), Ishaan, Prakash's and Reena bhabhi's son, who was always like the most important person in our SG gang, Riyan, Sanhita-di's son, Cucu, Meenus's son and my cousin brother's daughter Shanu with whom I spent 3 days in Delhi. All of these kids have been in their infancy when I met them, and have done all in their ability to charm up my life. Why I was so happy yesterday was mostly due to the chance I got to spend an entire evening with Cucu and to have contributed in my own small way to make him happy.

My mind, so full of contentment, just looked for the person, with whom I have laughed the most. The person who understood and appreciated and was proud of me in a way nobody would be. After so many days and so much proof, I simply can't believe that he is actually so different from what he had been to me once upon a time. My eyes welled up with tears, for reasons I can't quite perceive. Were they tears of happiness to see the reunited family, or tears of sorrow at the uselessness of my own life? Because as much as I might strive to achieve happiness for everyone I care for, I have always miserably failed to fulfill my own dreams. And now my nights are effectively dreamless, I wake up every morning with a strange kind of lethargy, and absolutely nothing to look forward to. If it is going to be such meaningless sustenance, it better be done in seclusion, so that I at least stop being an eyesore to the otherwise happy world around me.

Well, so in my state of unknown restlessness, I booked my final air ticket from Bangalore to return forever to Kolkata. 5th October. One year from the very same day last year, when I had my last bike ride with Boo, unconscious of the fact that it is going to be our last moment of togetherness. I want to get rid of the phrase "as usual". I can't let life go on "as usual". If it doesn't change its course by itself, I shall change it forcefully. It is my life, I have the right to do what I want with it. But yes, it is still a long time ahead...a count down of 110 days (I remember my 90+ days countdown during the notice period with the previous company and 114, I guess, days of countdown after 10th Board exam till the results were out - which all thankfully, got over, so even this one would, at some point in time).

Would I be happy or sad to leave Bangalore? Don't know. This place doesn't have anything more to offer to me. I am in the winding up mood, got started on the retirement financials (sounds hugely amusing even to me, but since I wouldn't like to compromise on my life style and wouldn't exactly beg for a job or settle for any job I get in Kolkata, until and unless it gives me enough challenges and seems interesting - so I am researching and planning on money multiplication on my meager - millionaire's corpus - as well as I can)...planning on utilizing the next two travels to transport most of my wardrobe and books to Kolkata - all these things have been initiated. No point trying to prove to the world that I don't care about the hurts I received. I do, I really do...they have shattered me. So much so that moment I am little happy, my destiny laughs at my foolish attempts to smile and mercilessly points out to me the numerous reasons I am supposed to be morosed...and I just can't stop my eyes from moistening up...I am a broken person, I want some recluse. Period.

Emotionally drained...

I am so so emotionally drained today. Never felt so exhausted for a long time now. As much as I seem to like emotional drama in life, I have gone a long distance from the regular "nautanki" that happened in my life every now and then till last October. These few months freedom has made me light at heart...that premonition of imminent turmoil is gone entirely. There was one time if I wouldn't cry myself to sleep it wouldn't seem to be a normal day. Now it is I, me and myself na, everything is predictable, mundane and as a result harmless.

I don't know why on earth I agreed to extend my term in this place. I would have gone away in couple of weeks, and that would be the end of it all.But no, I being me, need to keep my words no. Each and every word I have given knowingly or unknowingly. That I won't blame him for spoiling my career. I can still see myself sitting behind him on the scooter, the day when I revoked my resignation last September. He was very happy, wanted to take me to Koramangla, I had to deposit my last Prague onsite's cheque in my bank. I could have gone alone, but he insisted he wanted to take me, even though it was starting to rain. And then I was just telling him, Boo don't break my dream na, I really want to complete 10 years of my career and then go, this the only thing I can do for myself, please help me achieve it na? He said, if you want to blame me for not achieving it, so be it. I failed to realize in my blindness of faith that the erosion of that trust was already way beyond control. Everything was falling apart. I still decided to hold on to my trust on him and on my God, who knew how soon both of them would fail me.

During this time, we used to go to this park in Koramangla 6th block. His condition was, buy me corn, I will sit and listen to your blabbering. We went there twice, once on our first anniversary, and then on 5th September. Mostly we talked about us, or rather I talked. But I had asked him if I should approach my friend's estranged husband...if that'd be a proper thing to do, considering I don't even know the guy. He just told me, if someone has trusted you with her life, you must try once.

So finally, it appears, just to keep his wish, I am stretching my stay in Bangalore till the time 10 years of my at a stretch career is achieved. Just to abide by his suggestion, I drain myself to counsel my friend and her husband, and find both of them throwing away a fortune which I won't get even if I beg. I try my best to convince them but ego seems to be a far more important thing than togetherness. Priorities are important you see, love is not. Love was important only for the stupid idiot girl who gave her everything to love, only to pine away in loneliness. He also used to tell me, you can't change people. He used to get agitated when I suffered because of the reason that people failed to see the point I was trying to put in for their own benefit. There was a time when he didn't want me to suffer. There was a time too, when he said, he cannot live long without seeing me, I shouldn't go to faraway places like the US, where he can't even go and see me when he'd miss me.

I dug up the chat logs after a long time today, just to prove to myself that I had not been dreaming. And here's the proof - and it's not long back also, date tells me it was 18th April last year.

me: u remember u only told me in one of ur romantic moods...that I shdn't go to US coz its very far away...otherwise wherever else I go...u'll come over...to meet me :)

he: its not romantic.. mood.  
i still say the same  
:)

me: ok... and I still believe u :)

he: done

me: so long as u stay near me...I dont need u to be romantic  
:)

Ok, so one year later, today I was returning to my desk and he was going with his friends for tea. Our paths crossed and we were forced to face each other. You should have seen his reaction, he couldn't decide which way to turn, how to avoid me, how to preserve his chastity. For a moment I felt like a real untouchable. I moved to the corner as he passed me and walked on in haste. So I have become like that - in one year's time, your sweet girl, whom you couldn't stay away from, you hate her very shadow. That is all that is left of love and its various manifestations.

You ever realize how you make me feel???

Trodden paths...

At times I realize that it has been a long time in Bangalore. Way being to some place after a long time reminds you of some long forgotten memories...and you exclaim, oh, there has been that time too.

It happened to me today in Jayanagar 9th block. It transported me in time, back to 2005-2006. Yes, it has changed a lot, with the malls and all...but then, some things don't change na? I could almost see myself, as I was then - thinner, prettier, and full of energy, roaming around with Anand or my roomies, shopping, having food, merry making on the whole. I was excitedly telling my brother, this is the parlor we used to visit, this is my tailoring shop, this is the shop from where I'd get Anand's birthday gifts, ya, we got my engagement ring from somewhere here...

I had almost forgotten that episode of my life. That episode which belonged to an almost normal girl, who has friends, a boyfriend, a nice job and is planning to settle down soon. Not that Bangalore Central or Inox doesn't remind me of Boo Boo, it does, probably it makes me more pensive than these very old memories, for these, almost surprised me. Being full of sorrow is one thing, you tend to get habituated to your condition. What looks strange is the discovery that I used to be someone different at some point in time.

Well, Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani was good, but nothing compared to Wake Up Sid...it was simply what it should be when it is a Karan Johar production. I enjoyed it all the same (well who doesn't know how much I enjoy KJo movies). Thankfully my mind which keeps concentrating on finding links, didn't for once remember Ranbir Kapoor's previous release (even when the topic came up during dinner tonight, and I was reminded by my brother, about Barfi, all I thought was, thank God I get to enjoy my movies these days - I didn't really let 29th September bother me, except for that fact that watching it with Boo rather spoiled the fun and concentration). All my mind inadvertently did, while watching YJWD was, to speculate what kind of a charmer come womanizer this gentleman must be in real life as well, to play it so well in reel life :P He should be giving lessons on "being natural with your ex". Do I sound bitter? No, I am not. I am just not  bothered - I have learnt not to look back.

So the date has been decided and accepted finally. A matter of months, and I'd be going back...just wanna spend the last few days in this city peacefully and happily. People at office are speculating a lot, even including cheapo discussions about whether my resignation was all a gimmick to negotiate more salary - as if I have any dearth of money. People don't understand, that after what I have lost, money is the least of my worries, in fact it just doesn't matter. And I am not one who negotiates in that manner. I am brave enough to demand. Anyways let's forget things that don't matter, I have work for 3.5 more months, that itself makes me happy. Health is also getting better, so it is late Saturday night, and time to sleep.

A dream, a film and some thoughts...

Haven't been keeping well lately, say for the last week or two. Mostly indigestion problems, welcome as much as the Bangalore rains were this time, they didn't quite agree with my health. I have become tired these days, I can feel it, the strains I could take very easily earlier, seem overwhelming now, for example the simple act of standing in a bus during commutation - I'd rather pay 5-10 times the fare but can't take that exhaustion. May be I am growing old?

So, what with throwing up whatever I had as food or drink yesterday, and a lot of work that still forced me to go to office and stay back till 8 (someone was contemplating resignation but has apparently agreed to stay back till the current project is completed - may be for a little more bank balance, or may be because she can pay for that past time called work - which gets her to keep her clock ticking?), why am I staying up late?

I dreamed of him, in his navy blue shirt. We walking in strangely calm evening, with the sultry Calcutta breeze blowing, he agitated, and me in deep never before realizations unfurling before my eyes. I don't know, once you wake up from your dream, your dream tends to get mingled with reality. May be, that was not the shirt he wore in the dream? May be he was being a perfectly normal person and just naturally talking to me as a friend or an absolutely unrelated human being, just having a casual chat? And when the dream ended, I forcefully decorated it with my favorite impressions of him, he touching my cheek and turning my face towards him to examine my new colorful ear top (if I remember correctly, it has a meena work of green and magenta on gold plating)...my favorite memories, he winning over my introvert brother in a moment (way no other friend of mine has succeeded ever)...oh a hundred other things he brought back because of the fact that he unnecessarily came in my dreams in a time when I have been rendered quite lonely and helpless and I haven't ever spoken to him even on the phone for say the last 5 years...a time when I am still mourning my favorite artist's premature death and still struggling with the decision about whether I should bring in petty things in a friendship and throw away my career, whether I should bring in career in a commitment and look away from my parent's wishes, was being torn apart by do's and don'ts, would be's and could be's...he simply chooses to stir me up one Monday morning, and remind me of a good time I never cared to admit that I had with him - the best time - the time one spends with a soul mate...that I conveniently forgot in my other priorities. Well, even he should be blamed, for even he forgot promises - in fact only he forgot promises, I am still free and available for him, who'd never come for he has a wife and a little girl. A little girl whom he chooses to call by my nick name. He stirs me up and I throw up and am sick to the core, and it is followed by one hell of an unnecessary period - which I don't need to have - I am apparently not meant to play a role of creation of a life ever.

But his memories don't leave me. And the movie name haunts me, Memories in March. One of my biggest pains in life is that I am not informed about the things that are happening in the city I left behind. The cultural things. The movies, more than anything else, the movies. Nobody told me about this movie man, Arekti Premer Galpo came to the news for some other reason, and somehow reached my ears, I being the conservative me, chose to look away from it (I would be ashamed to admit now, but I kind of did the same thing for Chitrangada, and told myself, when Rituparno makes a more generic next movie, I'd be sure to go and watch it) - but I never heard of this one, before the day when the news of his death came out and his work was being discussed in all the forums.

After finishing up work and my phone call to mom, I should have gone to sleep, but I chose to stay up and watch the movie. Internet connection in India is pathetic man, why, I have watched all the major movies I missed out in these years, in my short stay in Prague, and I never faced a connectivity problem being on wifi. And this dongle of mine can't process a youtube video at the lowest resolution of 144p? I have been obsessed all these while with Mathura nagarpati...I feel he's penned an even more beautiful poem in the form of Sakhi hum - I wonder how he got so influenced by vyshnav couplets, and imagine the irritation when such a mellifluous tune and such amazing lyrics come distorted because of low quality of video. Still, me being the patient me went through it calmly, in places where I couldn't hear the dialogue clearly (but I needed to), I had to rewind, once, at times twice, again spoiling the pace of the movie, but I must admit, this was one rare movie which never got me bored for a moment. Which again proves, the most engaging action is the formation of relationships - which this movie is all about. Why call it a mere formation, catharsis would be a much more apt word. A beautiful movie, it can be termed almost as a poem or a painting.

So it is 2:30 and I have office tomorrow. But I am sure I will be able to manage that. How? Wasn't I this tired, broken, given up being just a little while back? You know what, this splendid work - from this immensely talented person who is no more with us, just shook me up. I talk of things being pent up in me? I talk of being the lone sufferer? Each single frame of this movie shouted out to me, a much greater suffering, and a celebration of that suffering. What is life, apart from being a big bland continuous suffering, if we don't decide to celebrate it? No, I won't give up. I'd be very sick, very sad, very fatigued, but then, this is all the time I have, to establish my identity. I am probably not talented enough to give the world such amazing work of creativity and self actualization, but I can at least take in this beautiful world with all my senses, so long as I live. No, I don't live by falsehood, and that is the only pride that keeps me alive.

I watched the lyrical agony of love that Memories in March is, and I felt so lost...so totally lost in thoughts. Yes, it is time to go to sleep. Tomorrow, as we all know is yet another day, and I am unsure how to face that day, but dear Rituparno, even after you have died, you were able to give this hapless girl a gift of bliss through your flawless acting skills - or was it really acting? Was it something aching out from you, which I could so identify with? Wonder how much more you could have given us if God would have allowed you to stay back a little while more...I am sorry about not having understood you in a more rational way, when you were alive.