"Could I have done something more" is a typical syndrome suffered by perfectionists and "never say die" people. And trust me, they suffer a lot from this.
I wouldn't have suffered so much, if I had accepted the fact that I have made a wrong choice once again, and all I need to do is to cleanse him out of my system. But no, I need a justification, and I need to be sure, I have done all I could about this relationship. And over that, I'm so typically lonely, that I really don't want to give up this one chance. So day and night, a struggle goes on within me, questioning and clarifying and pining away, where the other party is completely oblivious.
Only at times am I able to hate him - that too for a small duration. Then again the surge of love, and protection comes back. It's me who's dying, and I am all set to protect the person who's probably living happily. This "probably" makes all the difference. I'm not sure of his guilt. All I know, is that he's ruining both our lives, not only mine.
But that might not be the case. Rational thinking tells me that he has had his share of fun and moved on. He doesn't need me any more. Logic tells me that all he has done is to take advantage of my already weak self esteem. And people who can conveniently mold their conscience as per the situation, never feel repentant. So he'll happily marry and have a family, and wouldn't even care whether I live or die. At this point, it doesn't really matter to him whether or not I detach myself, for he doesn't stand any benefit from my presence.
But all this is - just as I said, rational and logical thinking. What about faith? What about my boasting that the world needs more people like him? I don't know. All I know is, I am terribly sick, I am barely breathing. And I don't really find him caring. I'm not his responsibility. Why should he care?
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