It will be the 7th day today, that we haven't spoken. And I'm rather glad that I was finally able to take this tough decision. Though I have been thinking about him in general, and this decision in particular, almost all through my waking hours. I wake up thinking...I go to sleep thinking. I sincerely hope things will change - I don't want to remain engrossed with a non-reality to this extent.
It all boils down to three points:
1. I wrote it long back in my diary. When I was just realizing my feelings for him, perhaps in the month of June. How does it matter to me if he is so good? It makes no difference so long as he is not good to me...
2. What is friendship? What do I need from a friendship? Money, company, sharing my mind, roaming around...exactly what? I guess, most of all, I'd like to have emotional dependency on someone...I need nothing else. To further narrow down, I'd need someone to cry, after I die...sit beside my deathbed, as I die...and wish till then, that I never leave him...would I be that important to any friend? Take up a practical situation. If I, his friend, fall sick at the same time as his wife...will he ever find a scope of caring for me, leaving her aside? A friend can never take a wife's place...
3. Is it ok for me to be his friend, and hence totally obliterate the love we had between us? Won't I also have to pretend then, that we were never in love? How is it possible for me, to forget our days together? And then, had I been a third person, just a friend, and known about this relation, can I really turn a blind eye towards his changed attitude? Answer is, if my friend does wrong, I leave him/her...I have done that before...
Just that the memories don't go away that easily...I'm trying all the same...
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