Tomorrow...

It is important, that I note down my thoughts as on today, as I embark on my final journey. As people graduate out of the NDA, they supposedly step on something called "Antim Pag" - it was shown in Lakshya. I guess this would be my own "Antim Pag".

At the outset, I feel only anger. I feel scorched by my own anger. Yes, I stay in a hole of a flat. Yes, I haven't done anything to change the situation. I could have rented my own apartment had I wanted. I didn't do that. What might be the reason? Do I like to be tortured like this? NO. I hoped.

I hoped of a life. I hoped to stay with him. Have our home. Make food for him. Take care of him. If required, I was even ready to give up my job. I was so so much in love with him. Only because, in my moments of utter despair, he was the one who supported, who made me laugh.

I didn't know he's such a loser, such a liar. I still don't believe that. Instead I tell myself that he's having difficulty coping up with the situation. I give him all the benefits of doubt, and he chooses to hurt me even more, thrust me into even more helplessness. He pretends that he simply doesn't know me. Perhaps the last nail in the coffin would be a complete professional relationship with him. Where he doesn't even care to drop me home or offer a lift. No, trust me, I'm pretty much prepared for even that, in fact that would be much more respectable that to take any kind of help from a person who despises me.

Frankly speaking I'll lose my mind, and I'll lose it soon. There is a limit to what even strong minds can take. But since God is so hell bent on playing this final game with me, I'll allow Him that. If by turning me into a mad girl, He gets satisfaction, let Him. I'll stick to my words. I'll love him, and take his blows.

Trust me, as on today, I don't have any dream. Even the last ones I have mercilessly crushed to death. I'm tired of begging and being turned down. I'd rather starve from now onwards...