Angry bird...

He calls me so...when I cross the limits of my tolerance. He's like, he'll keep on irritating me, but when the threshold is crossed, somehow he gets to know. He'd bow down then, he'd try everything else to pacify me, all drama and comedy he has ever learnt in life, and when I won't give in, he will show, little, tiny amount of love.

That in itself is so sweet, that I'd forget hunger and thirst, I'd be lost in my dreams. He keeps asking himself why he likes me so much...even I wonder the same :)

Tomorrow...

It is important, that I note down my thoughts as on today, as I embark on my final journey. As people graduate out of the NDA, they supposedly step on something called "Antim Pag" - it was shown in Lakshya. I guess this would be my own "Antim Pag".

At the outset, I feel only anger. I feel scorched by my own anger. Yes, I stay in a hole of a flat. Yes, I haven't done anything to change the situation. I could have rented my own apartment had I wanted. I didn't do that. What might be the reason? Do I like to be tortured like this? NO. I hoped.

I hoped of a life. I hoped to stay with him. Have our home. Make food for him. Take care of him. If required, I was even ready to give up my job. I was so so much in love with him. Only because, in my moments of utter despair, he was the one who supported, who made me laugh.

I didn't know he's such a loser, such a liar. I still don't believe that. Instead I tell myself that he's having difficulty coping up with the situation. I give him all the benefits of doubt, and he chooses to hurt me even more, thrust me into even more helplessness. He pretends that he simply doesn't know me. Perhaps the last nail in the coffin would be a complete professional relationship with him. Where he doesn't even care to drop me home or offer a lift. No, trust me, I'm pretty much prepared for even that, in fact that would be much more respectable that to take any kind of help from a person who despises me.

Frankly speaking I'll lose my mind, and I'll lose it soon. There is a limit to what even strong minds can take. But since God is so hell bent on playing this final game with me, I'll allow Him that. If by turning me into a mad girl, He gets satisfaction, let Him. I'll stick to my words. I'll love him, and take his blows.

Trust me, as on today, I don't have any dream. Even the last ones I have mercilessly crushed to death. I'm tired of begging and being turned down. I'd rather starve from now onwards...

Time and again...

I am lost. I know this is not the first time I am saying this, nor would this be the last time. But still...I felt so lost, that I felt compelled to write about it.But I don't know what to write.

What do you do when you are doing your duties to the tee, but life seems so very empty? It is like, there's laughter all around me, yet I am not allowed to laugh. Only way is to be Geet's second half character of Jab We Met. Frankly speaking, I feel like that. There is absolutely no hope.

Just 5-6 days to go. After that, don't know when. Perhaps never again do we get to meet each other. I try to be unconditional, and end up being so very terribly helpless. Why did this ever have to happen. Why doesn't my life take a turn for something positive, way out of the usual routine?

Faith and miracle...

Just when I kept repeating to myself every single moment that miracles don't happen for a second time, my second miracle happened. To think my friend, a Sagittarian herself, hand sent in this prediction earlier today:

Sagittarius
Nov 23-Dec 22
Single Sagittarians attract a stable and loving partner who brings so much positivity and humour in your life. Married Sagittarians feel there is greater bonding with each other.
Karmic affirmations: “The Universe knows what is best for me. So I will have faith.”

Imagine. Even at that time I had no idea what's going to happen. I know that this is very temporary, and after that I'm gonna lose him for 3 weeks, but at the same time, how can I ever thank God enough for this opportunity? My mind, my heart, my entire life pined away and bled for a coexistence with him. If God has given me this gift unconditionally, for at least 5 more days at a stretch, I don't think at the present moment I could have asked for anything more.

My heart always fears about losing him. That fear will be there till the last day of my life, even if we get married. Because life is so uncertain. But then, the fact, that even amidst such huge turbulence, that our relationship has undergone in the recent days, I haven't really lost him, doesn't it tell the truth about us in a very vociferous way?

I'm sure now that God has been giving me signs for a long time now. Might sound melodramatic, but finally my DTPH learning comes true in life "Woh mujhe batayega". That is why we went out on such a pious day as Monday. That is why his steady resolve that he doesn't want to be with me, was washed away so mercilessly today. And he had to shyly admit that even he felt nice about it. I don't know if there's more to come. All I pray and hope is, everything remains calm and happy for the next few days.

All things bright and beautiful...

Smile – it’s such a rarity. Today, as I was coming to office, I felt like smiling. Tapping my fingers to some fast rhythm. Raising the volume when a particular favourite song of mine played on the iPod. I moved at a fast, restless, yet gliding pace. And altogether I was happy…happy to an extent, when you just pray for that happiness to linger, not to leave you. In your mind you thankfully realize, just how precious that happiness is, and how life seems to reverberate with the positive vibes when you have this special feeling.
Such a long long time it has been. Perhaps it’s true in a way. We complicate our own lives. Our good old days of friendship were so so nice. It is basically so contradictory. That I have, as my best friend, a person who can make the world laugh aloud…and I keep crying for him…all day and all night. Simply doesn’t make sense, isn’t it so?
The thrill is palpable. Way he refers to it, “chemistry” is like…in its fullest strength today. Given the occasion, is it just a coincidence, or is it a sign? Oh how I wish this day won’t end

Writing makes a woman perfect :)

"Could I have done something more" is a typical syndrome suffered by perfectionists and "never say die" people. And trust me, they suffer a lot from this.

I wouldn't have suffered so much, if I had accepted the fact that I have made a wrong choice once again, and all I need to do is to cleanse him out of my system. But no, I need a justification, and I need to be sure, I have done all I could about this relationship. And over that, I'm so typically lonely, that I really don't want to give up this one chance. So day and night, a struggle goes on within me, questioning and clarifying and pining away, where the other party is completely oblivious.

Only at times am I able to hate him - that too for a small duration. Then again the surge of love, and protection comes back. It's me who's dying, and I am all set to protect the person who's probably living happily. This "probably" makes all the difference. I'm not sure of his guilt. All I know, is that he's ruining both our lives, not only mine.

But that might not be the case. Rational thinking tells me that he has had his share of fun and moved on. He doesn't need me any more. Logic tells me that all he has done is to take advantage of my already weak self esteem. And people who can conveniently mold their conscience as per the situation, never feel repentant. So he'll happily marry and have a family, and wouldn't even care whether I live or die. At this point, it doesn't really matter to him whether or not I detach myself, for he doesn't stand any benefit from my presence.

But all this is - just as I said, rational and logical thinking. What about faith? What about my boasting that the world needs more people like him? I don't know. All I know is, I am terribly sick, I am barely breathing. And I don't really find him caring. I'm not his responsibility. Why should he care?

Drawbacks of a friendship...

It will be the 7th day today, that we haven't spoken. And I'm rather glad that I was finally able to take this tough decision. Though I have been thinking about him in general, and this decision in particular, almost all through my waking hours. I wake up thinking...I go to sleep thinking. I sincerely hope things will change - I don't want to remain engrossed with a non-reality to this extent.

It all boils down to three points:

1. I wrote it long back in my diary. When I was just realizing my feelings for him, perhaps in the month of June. How does it matter to me if he is so good? It makes no difference so long as he is not good to me...

2. What is friendship? What do I need from a friendship? Money, company, sharing my mind, roaming around...exactly what? I guess, most of all, I'd like to have emotional dependency on someone...I need nothing else. To further narrow down, I'd need someone to cry, after I die...sit beside my deathbed, as I die...and wish till then, that I never leave him...would I be that important to any friend? Take up a practical situation. If I, his friend, fall sick at the same time as his wife...will he ever find a scope of caring for me, leaving her aside? A friend can never take a wife's place...

3. Is it ok for me to be his friend, and hence totally obliterate the love we had between us? Won't I also have to pretend then, that we were never in love? How is it possible for me, to forget our days together? And then, had I been a third person, just a friend, and known about this relation, can I really turn a blind eye towards his changed attitude? Answer is, if my friend does wrong, I leave him/her...I have done that before...

Just that the memories don't go away that easily...I'm trying all the same...

How am I?

I have never been so shocked in my life. Yesterday, from the bus window, I literally saw a poster outside a park in Wilson Garden area, big banner you may say...you know saying what? Lovers Not Allowed

!!!&@%What the hell man? Really, it happens only in India. I was laughing aloud in the bus. Me crying in a volvo bus is a pretty common sight, first time people saw me laughing :) :)

Then, the laughter kind of stayed with me. I was laughing away as I walked towards the office. I remembered that evening we spent together. He was supposed to make dosas for me. He has an apron, gifted to him by some client. He wore that apron on his shirt, and he was making all preparations to make dosa. Now, if you have read "The Namesake" you'd be very well able to guess just what followed. So I remembered way we were laughing away at the sheer contrast of our getup when we finally cooked. I remembered that day and laughed.

Let's fast forward to the evening. I got into a pretty crowded bus, but got a ladies seat. There was a kid sitting in the front seat. Some old lady came and simply displaced her. Poor little girl was half asleep only, as she stood dozing, holding the rod, I wanted so badly to take her on my lap. But I tried to remain aloof. First time the bus gave a jerk, and she was about to fall down, I grasped her and made her seat beside me - resulting in a very uncomfortable posture for me (I was barely sitting). But it was such a comfort having the girl cling to me, I never felt anything else. After she got down, I felt such a terrible void. Once again I tried to divert my mind to the earlier thoughts, same day...same events...came back. This time I burst into tears. It was so so embarrassing, all the while I remembered his old attitude towards me, I couldn't help wondering just why people change. Why, what is so permanent to you is so temporary to the other person? Why do people and their thoughts change so much? As the tears dried up, I gradually started comforting myself...it happens, it happens.

Now the truth is vivid. I spend this one month...somehow, and travel to Prague. I have also accepted it, kind of. Trying to see the silver linings, my favorite breakfast, my mascarpone cheese, the prawns and the nuggets...I told you...I always tend to accept. The detachment process has also kind of begun, though that seems so so impossible. But is there any other go? Yesterday's dream in the night was so disturbing. It seemed I had gone to the airport, but was in no hurry to catch the flight. I was roaming around, exploring the place, when to my extreme alarm, I realized, my luggage was supposed to have gone by another flight, which had taken off long back...and I simply forgot to deposit my luggage. Though I have Sigmund Freud's Interpretation of Dreams, I never really read it properly. But doesn't this typically signify that you are reading the situation wrongly or missing out the obvious, because you are so engrossed with something else?

He sms'ed today. Said, he's been occupied, how am I? How are things with me? I didn't know what to reply, so skipped it altogether. What's the point in saying things that don't make an impact?