Petty thoughts...

There are two kids with whom I am going out these days. They'd be hardly 25. Today I introduced them to Vinni and Bruno (the doggies in the neighborhood - where we take a walk after lunch). And we talked in general. I am getting emotional these days. I am harping on the same things. Funniest stuff is, I happened to tell them about Boo, not exactly revealing his identity (that I hopefully never will do)...but told our story in a broad outline.

I was wondering to myself, why exactly I told. When it is such a flop show, why am I publicizing it? To have sympathy is it? Well, I will be honest. I am a sympathy seeker, even after knowing how futile the sympathy is. But there is a certain charm in talking with young girls. They have a certain positivity, which me, my friends, and in general people of my age lack. They don't get overwhelmed by the situation.

I got a new neighbor today in my cubicle. A lady, who I thought was not so polite, when I didn't know her. Today we pretty much laughed aloud and she was in general good. She's given birth to a baby boy in September, came back after her sabbatical. She's also going through some personal crisis (also financial may be...she candidly admitted to me, that she can't afford to take leaves on loss of pay)...but coping up. I remembered having been hostile to her...never even spoke to her earlier, as I don't like rude people. But today I felt, who knows why someone behaves in a certain manner? Who knows what one has to go through?

I remember us having bitched about her also. She'd been in a same situation as I am today. Who knew what his apprehensions were, at that time. Had I known, I'd have cautioned myself. I now kind of know the future crystal clear. Still one hopes. I shall hope for another month or so. Then give up finally...

Back to routine...

Yesterday, I watched a movie. It is a movie he used to tell me about, one he likes a lot. While watching it I realized that, I have been bothering him. A lot. You should be in control of your own life. You don’t have any right to beg somebody else to help you out, when you are in a soup. I was looking up my wish list. A very funny wish list, I must say. I shall tell you about it some other day. But I have no right to make him a scapegoat to fulfil my stupid wishes. Today he stands clean, and I realize my mistake. My life, belongs to me, and nobody else :)
The night was kind of difficult. I dreamt strange dreams. I don’t remember it vividly, but it was a congregation near the lift, of well…rather well dressed people. I don’t remember the faces exactly – but didn’t seem to be too unfamiliar too. I have this fascination for elevator ever since my school days. It was out of bounds for students – and you know what “anything” out of bounds would mean to young minds. Anyways, coming back to the story, I discovered disastrous facts while talking with the crowd near the lift. It seemed that I couldn’t pass in my MBA exams, and I have to take it 1 year later. It also appeared that, somehow, I haven’t passed in my 4th subject in class XII (that was statistics…I very well remember I got some 65% or so)…it seems as it was only a 4th subject, I was allowed to continue with my studies so far, but now, I must clear that paper for further studies. I don’t know what crap dream it was, but shook me up quite a lot in the morning. Somehow made me feel – God, there can be even bigger problems than my altercations with K :P

Afterwards...

Have you ever faced a situation when grief has made you quite speechless, yet in the back of your mind, a song is going on, which tells about dreams coming true?
Can there be so much self denial? Can human feeling change so radically – that it becomes non -existent? I just tell myself, I cannot hope. I shouldn’t hope. And then, when I’m walking down the road, some biker just fidgets with his helmet visor, and I feel a pang. I just see the road where we had walked across for the first time – he squeezing my hand and begging for the Chevrolet Beat, it’s the same road, but he is nowhere to be seen.
I must accept that I have lost him. I must accept that he never loved me in a way I wanted. He never loved me back. Period. Men do a lot of things in life, without actually feeling anything in their mind. I was a fool to have thought otherwise. I am a fool. It is not yet a past tense. I continue to be an idiot.
But you know what? If he ever talks again with me, I’ll dance with joy. If he ever kisses me again, I’ll be on seventh heaven. And if ever he decides to love me – I might stop breathing…
And you know what will happen in reality? He will never talk. In few months he will get married. And I shall live on with the fact that once again I got involved in a relationship and couldn’t make it work.
I will always regret having ruined our friendship. However, let us stop harping on this...

Aamar e mon bujhi mon noy?

Today - 23rd Jan, 2012
--------------------------
Ami ki jaani ami chup kore achhi keno?
Ami ki jaani ami eka eka banchi keno?
Ami ki jaani sab aalo nibhe galo keno?
Ami ki jaani tumi eshe chole gele keno?

Friday - 13th Jan, 2012
-------------------------
Maa go aamar swapno biheen bhore-
Achamka keno jantrona kora nare?
Maa go , aamar bishmoy antore-
Morichika keno matha khunre khunre morey?
Maa go aamar banchar sadh ki nei?
Naki nei haye sadhyo ba adhikar?
Maa go niswas theme theme keno boy?
Maa go pran achhe, nei keno tabe sar?

The day it all began - Tuesday, 28th Jun, 2011
----------------------------------------------
Golaap ranger swapnogulor eikhanetei sesh;
Aamar bujhi bhabte achhe, emon holei besh!
Aamar bujhi porte achhe nanan ranger churi?
Thont rangiye, kajol diye, saajte achhe pari?
Aamar achhe andhar pathar, nishesh chola pathe-
Ekla lagle bolte achhe, nei keno keu saathe?
Aamar bujhi melte achhe bhabishyate pakhna?
Aaj dinta bheshe thaki, kal dube jai - jakna!

Aamar achhe bastobmoy nispriho benche thaka,
Hasio nei, kannao nei, moner kuthuri phanka;
Aabeg naam er bostu ta je ki, ami ta jante chaina-
Aar panchta jeeboner saathe mil kichhu khunje paina;
Ishwar e nei biswas, nei bhalo mander chetona-
Bidroho noy, bisram chai - aar beshi bancha jetona...

Ja kichhu giyechhe paoa...se aamar noy...

Well...a lot of things happened, since the time I last wrote here. Worst was probably the news of suicide of a colleague. I knew her, only 25, very childish, very lively. Don't know what went wrong. A very similar story as mine, of broken faith, but when I chose to survive, at 32, she had at least 7 more years ever to reach my stage. Why do people give in so easily?

I tried to justify the decision in my mind. Told myself, it's me who's a coward. I am scared to physically hurt myself in an attempt to die. Be it whatever, I finally decided I am not going for it. I am happy enough, even if I'm lonely.

But the incident got me quite broken. There is an online help email id, I wrote there. They don't give advice, they just listen patiently and help one resolve their thoughts. It helped a lot.

In times of need, you can try these sites:
http://helpguide.org/
http://www.samaritans.org/

They say when you are weak, you are most likely to be duped. And I fell pray to even that. There was this astrologer lady, who was sending me mails continuously. And I being the logical me, was ignoring them. I don't know what happened on Saturday. Again, 1 and a 1/2 day pent up inside the shabby room, I was feeling stifled. When I saw this new mail from the lady, saying time is running out for me. I was feeling so so suicidal then, that I could do anything for myself. I went to the website and gave her my credit card info. And then, good sense came back. I googled on her and realized she's a hoax. Thankfully I called the credit card company in time, and they were able to block the card before the transaction was made (again thanks to the habit of Europeans not working over the weekend).

I was absolutely depleted yesterday. Now I can at least breathe. Yesterday I felt I'd die. I don't know if I really had died for some time. Till this morning I felt quite dead. You should have seen me. Somehow I set out for office. Mid way I felt faint, and somehow managed to signal an auto rickshaw. The guy just pushed me aside and drove on, didn't even say no properly. I was so taken aback. I steadied myself and moved to the nearest shop, and took a plate of idli. I hadn't eaten anything except a biscuit or two for the last 24 hours.

Don't pity me, for today I'm better. I get better if I have work. I am such a diligent worker, that even my dead body would finish the work first and then get cremated. I worship three things on earth, work, love and truth.

But still, my loss will always be there...always...

Ode to my iPod...but can it replace my best friend?

It feels good to have done all you could have done. I think I have been saying this more often recently. I am plain and simple proud of myself. Way I have handled the situation. Trust me, I am not made up of champion material. I was on the verge of giving up. But thank God, I didn't end up becoming a loser. Neither have I lost hope. Hope about life, hope about sustenance of our relationship, hope about good things. I did all that was possible for me. Allowed myself ample rest, but didn't skip office (except for the morning after my beer pitcher), did my work moderately well (thank God again, that there was not much work - I was a bit sluggish, but didn't leave anything pending), tried to find actual ways of self betterment (and the betterment of my best friend as well), did extensive reading to explore our psychological situation (and I wrote to a psychotherapist as well). It's been a very much Forrest Gumpish existence in the recent days, (ran, slept etc etc) - but at length I am happy. Happy to have done everything, and now I simply wait for the results.

I must thank my iPod. 4 years 2 months back, when I got it for myself, I never knew it'd become such a good friend. Somehow it manages to play just the right tracks for me (I always put it in shuffle mode).

Tell you what, the futility is still there. I cried a lot last night. It is so difficult to do away without a family life. Nuances yes, but necessary nuances right? Sunday, dad's brother in law died, Wednesday, mom's youngest cousin got married. They participated in both, were with each other. It's never my family or your family, it's always, our extended family. To think I will never have someone to share this kind of feeling, is indeed disheartening. But practically, there's a very remote possibility now. I am a stupid girl I know. After everything, I trusted him. But can I trust another time? I don't think so. You see, it's a bigger woe to have lost your best friend, than to have lost your lover. May be miracles happen. But I needn't count on them anymore.

Untitled thoughts 2...

Apparently blogging, facebook etc are good for health. I personally don't like facebook(though I do have a profile) - because I feel it is too intrusive. Blog is low profile. See, the whole reason why I am writing online and not in my diary, is, in the hope that somebody hears me out. But that, actually, is all I want. Hear. Read. Don't respond.

Me and my friend were discussing the other day about the impact of seeing a distressed person in front of you. She was telling me about fighting couples and girls crying in the bus/metro. She doesn't know what to do. She can't remain aloof when someone is in so much trouble, neither can she reach out to the unknown person. I can tell about the other side. I have cried in public transport. Had someone (known or unknown to me) would have tried to comfort me in that situation, I'd have been greatly irritated and might even have blasted them. The only reason I'm crying in public is, I can't hold back my emotions till I reach my bedroom. I need to vent them out right now, or else I might collapse. I just need the release, I don't need anyone's pity.

And even if you try, can you really help? Anyways there's nothing as complex as human mind, there's no way you can fathom it. Today, while I was walking towards office, I saw some jute bags tied at the mouth, some living beings were struggling inside them. I am very sure they are street dogs, I know each one of them by face, for a stretch of at least 1 km around my office, and I couldn't see any of them around. I am just getting immune to these things. People simply don't care. My best friend doesn't care for me, as I have been demanding justice from him, is just the least of them. My uncle died, and his son is gonna buy his first car the next day - he's busy celebrating that. I wonder where the world is going? So how can you ever understand why someone is hurt, or why someone has hurt? We, the modern day people are just like islands. We enjoy individual heavens, we burn in our own hells. No sharing, no caring.

I don't think I'm being a pessimist. I'm just being neutral. I used to feel this way a year back. Then he came. He brought me back to mainstream life. Where, despite everything, we try to live. I gradually started dreaming about marriage, children, family outings, fun, what not. Now that I'm back to my island existence, I am quite contented. Got a new game to play in my new mobile, got quite addicted to it, made high scores, so having a good time :)