It's a dog's life

Dear Andy Human (formerly Andyman Doggydoll),
It's been more than a year that we have talked. Ever since you left, I have grown more and more fond of doggies, as you might have noticed (but on second thoughts, and being the intelligent doggy that I am - how will you notice?) You have moved on to a human life, and since one year of doggy life, is equivalent to 30 years of human life (once again I being an outstanding doggy mathematician, hope you won't dare to argue on that fact) - I guess by now you have had the full taste of human life (wife and kids and may be grand kids also), but my life hasn't changed a bit, as I said, it's a dog's life. So I still go to office, return home, eat, sleep and fight. Ya, me being a doggy, I have to fight...it's unfortunately not in a doggy's blood to give up, howevermuch I might want. It pains at times, but frankly speaking, I don't blame anyone for that. And I have no grudges anymore against you. In one year if I have understood anything, I have understood, we were not meant to be the doggy couple in this life, as we were in last life. I have finally realized what I want, and though I can never get that, you were saved from being part of my aimless life. Just that at times when I already feel low, the mishap that happened, pains me more. Leave all that, hope you have another 300 years of human life with health and happiness. Wish you a wagging tail life, bhullos the mega gala hullos :) :)

bhow bhow,
Pupu Ray Lady Doggy Doll

Silence

Ya, for once the chatterbox is at a complete loss of speech. Not only have I lost my ability to speak, I have lost my ability to express myself...even to think properly. I don't understand my own actions. I ask myself, is there anything I can do to help you...but only silence prevails. No reply. And I realize that this silence is what is left in life... from this day onwards, this is my destiny...this is what reigns supreme in my life. Questions, which used to come in my mind, don't come up anymore. They have understood long back their meaninglessness. Somethin keeps encouraging from within... she's trying, she's struggling every moment, isn't it so commendable that she's not giving up? But what the hell would have gone wrong if I actually gave up? Is this the only way to live? Just pretending to myself that there are reasons to live... that I needn't feel myself to be dead yet? God, what a liar I must be....I lie even to myself. What am I, I don't understand... If I don't want to stay back, why not just quit? Why this falsehood? Or am I really so greedy. Accept the truth honey, it's all over. And you were never special, nowhere, not in your personal life, neither in your work life. Ya, the truth remains that you are "bidhata-r srishti-r apobyay". And for God's sake don't fight anymore about it. Accept that you are ordinary, you are worthless, and you just don't deserve to be happy. And yes, ofcourse, you have no talent. Moni, even if he had loved you once upon a time, he would have hated this loser of a girl. And this day could have come 3 years back also, had he not been there. Babu, learn to live on your own. Stop killing yourself like this. With our limitations, we are fine. Please stop this NOW. It's over. The good days are gone. The not so bad days are also coming to an end. If you behave like this, you'll never be able to fight with the uncertainty. Give up, and start a new life...

So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

How can someone be so strikingly beautiful? How can someone not change…even by a wee little bit…in all these years. I remember Edward, I remember Bella’s fear…of growing older than him…growing very very old beside him – the evergreen person.

Now of course I don’t have such a fear. I don’t have the right to grow old with him. But still…I am overwhelmed. I never thought I’d meet him again…all these days…in desperation…I wanted to see him…see him just once…for one tiny little while…

Strangely I remembered Rajkahini today in the morning. All of a sudden….with no context whatsoever. I remembered Subhaga…I remembered Gayeb and Gayebi…I remembered Aditya, the Sun God. The first time she met him….he said…you can see me only one time….next time you call me…you die. And gave her twins, a son and a daughter. When they grew up, when Gayeb wanted to know his father…he questioned his mother’s purity…she had to call him again…call her life…call her death.

And thus you came…sealing my fate. My doubts, my questions. Whether things should change…whether I can give up. Now I have to give up. Accept my fate…whatever it be…and wait for that afterlife. An afterlife where I share you with nobody. Where I am at least a little more beautiful…to be able to stand by your side. But you know what…I know that you never bother about whether I am beautiful or not. What you are to me, I am to you. May be you are sitting in one corner now…and thinking…doesn’t she change ever? She stills looks like the plump doll she used to be.


Emotions and visions come running to my mind. The last time we met…when was it? Some two years back…more than two years. Shall we meet again? Do we get some time to sit and talk? You know my state of mind?

- So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

In love lies the salvation

I am no preacher. But I can see the dearth of love. Everywhere. Everyone is being moved only by selfishness. Who is there who even unconsciously practices "love thy neighbour" ? These days I read a lot. I watch a lot of movies. Typical past times of a girl who has got nothing else to do. No social life whatsoever. But then...as I read...I feel...hasn't there been enough cruelty already. My favorite scene when I go out on the roads, is an act of kindness to an animal. A car slowing down to provide time to a slow moving cattle, a man giving a biscuit to a stray dog...I think...what is the animal's fault that humans have become so civilized? It's their world as well...what if they can't interpret traffic signals? What if we waste plenty of food while having our own dinner, still won't spare any for a hapless stray creature.

Think less about your misforture...well off man. Think of those who never have time to ponder over their condition, they have to work so hard merely to sustain life. I hate my hi tech job, long for my parents company, long for a stable well settled life...and I agonize everytime I have to get up early in the morning. And then I hear that familiar scream of the paper wala...PAPER...See I told you...he perhaps dint even get enough time to crib...he got up in the morning...saw that there's no rice to feed the little ones...took out his heavy bag and went out screaming...at the top of his voice.

I was telling mom the other day...mom, people complain that God has not given them enough. Arre even God has such a huge empire...in His justice, He gives whatever possible to everyone...how can anyone ever think of billions of people at the same time. He also tries to find a best way out. Like we all do.

And tell you what...if you want to live happily...never let go of that four lettered word HOPE.

Taking the decision

When I was deciding to quit my first job...it was easy. Life was much more difficult and demanding at that point of time...but decision was easy. I din't think twice before walking out of the exam hall in protest of some wrong/out of syllabus/out of protocol questions, jeopardizing my master's degree...but didn't have a thought then. I walked out of the university in protest of my supervisor's behavior, not giving a damn about my first job...I was always ready to protest.

But then, I was a 24-25 year old girl, who never thought of looking back. She knew that the world is waiting for her. Think of the time...dad was barely earning...every now and then he'd resign from his job out of exasperation, bro was still studying, and still I could nurse my ego. Now that I never fear starvation at least for one year...even if none of us in the family work or earn...still..I just can't put down my papers. Am I so greedy. Is this package so luring?

Or perhaps it is the helplessness. I know I might not have a future now. Might not ever get married. My bro might not be taking care of me when mom n dad won't be there. And anyways even in the present day, what savings do mom and dad have? The proud girl, at the onset of receiving her 3rd degree, thinks, what if I don't get another job? What if I lose the security I am having. What is there now is bad enough...but what if it turns worse? The world is so so full of vultures. ..

God give me some courage. I just can't take this job anymore. When I went for my interview with microsoft, there was a painting with a caption - a vacation is what you take, when you can't take what you have been doing till now anymore. I do need the vacation.

My first hate post

Ok then, whom do I hate... I hate people who cheat. Any kind of cheating...or breach of trust - I find loathsome. And when its done by someone close, its even worse. And I hate falsehood. I hate that wretched son of a bitch who tried to play God when I was irrepairably shattered and then went away showing his moronic whim. However he is not a person ever worthy of my anger. He tried to treat me as dirt, now I have really treated him as dirt. It hurts most when pompous flirts like him tend to lose their bloated sense of importance. But dogs (real dogs...the animals are far far better than them) and insects need to be shown their place.

But my dear dear friend, what place should I show YOU? What made you do what you did. You are not a bad person, you just can't be. You are one of the reasons why I am alive today. Why did you have to cheat me? How I hate this situation. How I feel like breaking into tears in front of you and remind you how many times I have begged you not to lie. You were like my little brother...I was ok with teaching you how to live...I was ok with your mischiefs...but I am not ok with the truth. The friendship has to break now. I felt it long back...that you are taking advantage but sisters do spoil their kid brothers. However, now its not so simple anymore.

Whom to trust? And if there's noone to trust then how to live in this world?

Translation of a certain unknown poem...

When the heart was looking for shelter from rain –
Moonbeams came instead to ease my deep pain...

Some words hide in the air,
Water hides some,
Some remain in the mind,
Sobbing yet calm.

Engraved in burnt earth–
Snow white - sleep in foreign hearth

Those were days insane –
Without a thought of loss or gain.
The first monsoon - drizzles don't end –
Darkened with the first clouds God send.

Words in my heart, when came to my lips -
Wanted to step out - my place looked undone.
Couldn’t find way and the road was steep –
Before I could reach you, the time was gone.

Silent noon - dumbness struck
My life's abode.
The joy of love flooded the heart
Now it's a load –
Of dreamlessness - bliss that's no more
The choked breeze that fails - to open the door.

Engraved in burnt earth
Snow white - sleep in foreign hearth