Sunday, June 17, 2012

A long pending movie review...

I gave two hours of my life to a second time watching of a movie called Sarkar Raj. RGV, might be facing troubles now, but I (and especially my brother) have always been fond of RGV movies. If not movies, then his movie thinking. His "soch".

I had liked Sarkar Raj a lot, first time I had watched it in theater. I was going through a difficult time then... (my readers would laugh now - is there any time which is not a difficult time in my life?) I remember having started writing a review (should still be somewhere there in my home laptop which is now in Bangalore). I especially liked the last scene, "ek chai lana"...well, I was still in love with my teaholic, very much in love, and that was the time when he was engaged and still not married.

One fine Saturday, we happened to discuss about the movie too. He said, he liked Sarkar more than Sarkar Raj. I protested. I said some dialogue, on my usual favorite topic, man woman interdependence. And I wrote something on the relationship of Shankar and Anita. At times you are put in a situation together, in such a way, that an unknown person becomes closer than your own blood, discovers you more than your own family ever did. I remembered all those things, while watching the movie once again. And I remembered his small request. I don't understand as well as you do, will you write a review? May be a request made in mockery, but he had said all the same.

But Sarkar Raj is not about Shankar and Anita only. To my romantic eyes - yes, but otherwise - no. Sarkar Raj breaks the myth about power. Power can create, but power can't protect. Power can avenge, but power can't dictate. The close ups, a RGV signature, and the shadowy photography, gives you such an eerie feeling. Life is like that, we are working all the while towards more life, with death watching over us.

I like Supriya Pathak's character. She is no doubt one of the finest actresses in India, but the character Pushpa in itself has so much strength. The eternal Indian housewife, who has full faith in her husband. Her entire life shatters, she loses both her sons and one daughter in law, yet, as instructed by her husband, she steadily walks on to telephone and bring in her only grandson into this whirlwind. Life is about giving it all, Tagore has said in so many songs...give everything you have.

Some scenes are very strong, and make a long lasting mark in your mind. The old lady, chopping betel nut, with much precision, though she is nearly blind, and Avantika watching it in awe and getting a hunch of imposing threat...one favorite of ours is the unnamed contract killer, who speaks in sign language...and whose gloved hand is shown to speak throughout the movie, in his life and death, that is all the communication he does. The not so prime characters also give such intense expressions, that you get to know how strong a director RGV is. Just check out Bala's acting in the movie. A parallel track in itself.

The music is ultimate. Govida chant apart, the songs make a mark. The occasional humor is also nice, one more favorite of us is...Shankar ko hum...gapuchi gapuchi gam gam....

This review would have been much better if my brother would have written it. He is an authority on RGV movies. He understands the pulse of RGV movies. As for me, I have almost stopped watching movies these days, my type of movies are just not being made. But I liked Sarkar Raj, I am not an action movie person, but yes, I am a social movie person definitely. As a social movie, Sarkar Raj is among the strongest that have ever been made in India.

And yes, I am a literature person. I loved reading The Godfather. No doubt an adaptation from there, as I watched the movie, I remembered glimpses from the story. Women always make amends for their men's obstinacy and overconfidence. We, almost always end up paying a very hefty price for their lack of flexibility. Some men understand it, and write novels. Some men understand it, and make films. But still, men don't change. They remain their way, we keep suffering, and yet, can't stop loving them either.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How life changes...

I remember a scene from an insignificant movie called "Bichhoo". The girl is crying, the guy asks why? The girl says, "Ghar parivar yaad aa rahe hain"...the guy says "Arre pagli, ab main hi tera ghar hoon, main hi tera parivar".

I didn't have any intention to talk with him again. But still, I found myself writing him a rather wooden kind of mail, to congratulate him on his 10 years' service anniversary. And I was surprised to find myself happy, and proud. I was almost beaming. In due course of time, a reply also came, equally wooden. And I finally blurted out to Boo. From morning I was trying to tell him, he was not interested. He heard, and didn't react or say anything, just listened, and then went on with his work. But I could distinctly hear, "Arre pagli, ab main hi tera ghar hoon, main hi tera parivar".

He replied wooden, doesn't surprise me. Our love story is history now. And in our love story, he had very little "love" to contribute, all he had was "care". But me? A girl who broke all existing bondage, vowed to remain unmarried and love him unconditionally, who considered his son as her own kid, how can the equation change so much for her?

Last September only it was right, when I was so swept with emotion when he pinged almost after a year? Half an October, and half a November of love, followed by months of uncertainly and fruitless talks, numerous ego issues, infinite hurt, fights, and bruises later, I realize, he hardly means anything to me. Because, hurt, fights and bruises apart, there is the caramel popcorn, there is the musk melon juice from the same glass, there are the getting drunk evenings and candlelight dinners, which has quite quite changed my life. I have someone, to whom, I mean a lot. Touch wood!!!

Friday, June 8, 2012

3 incidents and an epilogue...

Mail on June 4 - Evening:


you know...I have read so many times...don't take a decision in haste...
I am not taking a decision in haste...
I can not talk about you....
I am not able to take it any more...

man...just think...have I ever been this bugging? have I ever irritated you to this extent? sticking on to you like chewing gum...just finding contexts to talk...just allowing you to kick me around?

just what has gone wrong?

it is not my fault...it is you who is closing the doors...you being so undecided about your life, you are leading me to an identity crisis. You are not sure if you love me, you are not sure if u want me as a friend, you are just not sure how to react to me...

is this you? being unnecessarily rude...just hurting someone...and seeing her cry in pain...you just hurt more...you have lost humanity man...

tell me...don't I have work? don't I need concentration and peace of mind? I go through hell everyday....just feel like killing myself every moment...because of your treatment...
you have work...I have work...just say a small hi and be done with...why so much weighing of pros n cons in mind...I don't greet my other friends everyday...n all...ask urself...is it the true reason...or u r just trying to stop urself deliberately....u hurt me...lose me...and spoil both our lives....such a sadomasochist u r...
either stop drawing boundaries...don't call...don't mail...don't ping...
or be alone and be happy....

man...tell me what is my fault...I go through these frequent bouts of depression...you know yourself how pathetic these bouts can be...u remember last time I was in prague...didn't want to buy more voip time...u remember how mad I was sounding....?
it was u who had calmed me down....
am I not allowed that friend anymore? if I call on two successive days, you'll get irritated...why man? I am not binding you...I am not stepping in ur space...I just need you at times...no replacement is there...I can't approach anyone else...

how contradictory u r man...if u say I love u to a girl...I guess u shd never ever say...I don't belong to u and neither do u belong to me...

see man I am a very peace loving and simple girl...I can't understand ur complicated mind...

I know what u have gone through...n u know what u r doing? u r denying to urself that u have gone through anything at all...and letting the same thing repeat in life...sometime...God is unkind to somebody...as with me may be...but to u...he was not unkind...he tried to make amends...u have just decided to lose the opportunity...

I just feel miserable today...I won't take this anymore....I have decided...I won't say I shall stop loving you...that'd be a lie...but I don't see any gratification from this relationship...so I call it quits...I hope this news makes you very very happy...you are free now....I don't have you in my life...I don't know you any more...


Chat on June 5 - Morning:



he: good morning.. gentle women.
 me: good morning boo boo
  it has been 2 days we haven't talked
I was 97% dead :(
 he: uff.. stop
  hows office
  u got offshore.. deliverables
 me: very cold today
 he: ?
 me: shivering
  upar se...plz dont be angry
  I m upset no
  so haven't taken bath for 2 days
  :( :(
 he: non sense.
 me: so in a terrible mood
he: its cold.. i also used to skip
  :)



June 5 - Evening:

Reached home early...was feeling light...relieved...happy...rang up mom pretty early...almost 2 hours earlier than usual...she was a bit hasty in picking up...
"oh, is it you...ya tell..."
"mom...you tell...let me relax for a while and just listen to you...I'm too tired today..."
It was then that she broke in tears...sobbing she just managed to say...
"I have nothing to tell...my sister died today"

Epilogue:


Mom...is an only child. This sister is mom's cousin...little elder to her. There is absolutely no way she could have died. She is this splendid lady...has got everything from life, gave back more to life. Didn't have any reason to complain, and never complained too....always happy, always smiling, always spreading cheer....always works...never rests....never scolds....always loves....this unique lady....the rare souls who come on this earth just to spread joy...how can she have died?

See, she lost nothing in death too...didn't suffer much, some infection that took her life before any treatment could be done. Has this full family left behind, kids hugely successful and happily settled in life, husband is alive, two brothers and even her 83 year old mom...everyone is alive and healthy, leaving back this flourishing family, she peacefully dies. But what of those who are left behind - what about them? None of her kids could be near their mom as she died - one stays in a different city, one outside the country. How guilty would they be feeling? Career, life, all aside...they lost their mom just like that? Was not able to do anything despite all their means?

And how strangely it affected me...
Amidst all my sorrowful days, I never got a moment's time to remember my aunt. And there I was...just sitting like a statue on the couch, with all her memories flooding my mind and her beautiful face flashing in front of my eyes. When I met her last December, she couldn't stop from praising me - don't be fat, don't be thinner, you are just perfect. From early childhood all memories I had of aunt, everything came back - she coaxing me to eat, when I was hell bent on fasting for the Pujas, if I start to think...because of her I got my first class education in a public school, my parents were all set to get me admitted in this Government school where English was being taught from the sixth standard. She and her husband insisted on me learning good English and convinced my parents to go beyond their means. I never had time to remember her with gratitude, call her once and thank her for the million ways in which she has taken care of me and my family - when she was by no means required to do so. My mom has always been her little kid sister, always pampered her, always advised about her health, always scolded dad for not taking enough care of her. Her daughter was in the same way, my guardian angel in my first days in school. She would come to meet me everyday during the break, and I'd feel so reassured that my big sister is there to take care of the tiny me in this class full of unknown faces (I was shy even then, I am unsocial even now). My heart goes out to that big sister, who is red in the eyes crying for her mom, and could reach to see her dead body, 3 days after her death. How terrible is it to let go of your nearest person, the one who brought you to this earth, without even bidding a proper good bye - to see a 3 day old still body taken out from the cold storage. For the sake of one's talent, education, ambitions, one has to drift away from home, but what is the cost one pays?

My so called man in life, he is not a romantic type. Not one who can console or even speak much. But he supported me in his own way. When I snapped at him, saying "you were the so called only grief of my life, I just realized there is something else too that can make me cry" - he didn't feel bad. In his lame way he told me some silly story and just tried diverting my mind. He is not a caring soul - but unlike the other people who happened to care a lot but couldn't do their duty till the end, this guy is not ready to part with me so easily.

I was feeling sad for my uncle. What will he do at this age without his wife? Perhaps he doesn't even know how to cook...

I told Boo...it is ok, you die first, I will live without you...you can't live without me. And the chat went like this:


me: like...when u r old...nothing more to achieve...then only die
  till then m with u
  like chewing gum :P
did I ever...
  call u...like this?
  my mishti boo...
 he: non sense.
 me: u won't know what mishti meansso u won't be angry
 he: i get rid of everything
 nothing can stick to me
 me: chewing gum under ur shoes...
 he: and i dont stick to anything
me: very difficult to get rid off
  :P
  u wont notice
 he: i will change the shoe
 me: I wl steal over to the new shoehe: stop now
  me: if u want me to go so much
 why did u talk to me y'day
  I had left u...
  u cd have been happy
 he: is it..
  i didnt know that
 me: ya
lost ur only opportunity of a life time
  idiot u r
 he: no .
  now.. get lost
me: no...
  gimme smile first?
he: what ever.


So, as you see, life moves on...our love story also continues, may be some day we'll be married and we'll have kids - and all of a sudden I will die just like that...without anyone near me - or perhaps, somewhere, some girl in a distant country will be sitting in the couch and shedding tears - saying, aunt, forgive me, I have never said thanks to you...you have always been so good to me, to everyone...
I told Boo...I have this sixth sense no....pretty strong sixth sense, I knew something bad is going to happen. I thought that bad would be our break up, a probable break up that was glued by one simple voluntary good morning from his end. If only...we could bring back lives so easily....


Monday, June 4, 2012

Justification of insensitivity...

Be a neutral audience and hear out my trauma....even I am fumbling....to understand what has gone wrong...why I have become so unstable...


I wrote this mail to him last night...


you know...I have perhaps never been so angry in life...
it is like...u might understand if I tell like this...
there was this long pent up anger...which I was not giving importance, was just keeping low....ignoring....
yesterday....when I went to sleep...I cried for the first time...it is like...you will tell...what is new in ur crying...u keep crying all the time...
not like that...it was different...it was like...what crap is this life....
today morning I was furious...furious to the extreme ultimate extent...I cried...loudly...way babies cry when they are starving....
then...just to spend time...I took bath, washed clothes...spread the clothes for drying....all this I did...
then as I started talking to u....may be I felt better....went and ate also...had a chocolate also....felt better....
I was watching this movie....and talking to u...then u got offline without saying...I didn't give much importance...just kept watching...
the movie ended...I just checked if u r online...found u logged out n just left some offline msgs..and shut down the laptop...

it was then...like a bomb...the anger broke inside my head...it streamed out of my entire body....I was so so angry...I simply can't put in words...
I just knew I had to go out of this wretched room and take a walk...else I wl die...
u won't believe...I didn't take my cell...didn't wear earring....wrist watch...nothing...just stormed out of the house....

went to the atm...got money first thing....too much boo it is...I can't have this budgeted existence...period...
everytime someone telling inside my head...u'll lose ur job...anyday now...u'll never get married...no one to support u in old age...no one to support ur parents...so save...save...save...I can't boo boo...there is a limit to everything....
every new dress I see in shop....man I can buy all of them...literally the entire collection in the mall....yet I would just stop myself...
all the while just hold back....
u have no future...u have no future...no one is there to watch u in nice dress....ENOUGH
man I never thought I'd stop dreaming entirely....
u know...some friend posted a SG photo...n tagged me...another friend was saying...where was this photo so long? u look so good...
I used to do so much shopping in SG...this swarovski earrings n necklace, this quaint jute  knitted top...the sea green colored t shirt....and I have lovely photos in them...I used to live so much at that time...
why have I stopped living? 

I waited at the nearest tram station...no tram was there...walked to the next station...a tram just left....I was wondering whether to keep walking...when I saw another tram coming...on saturdays n sundays (sobota n nedele they call here)...many trams go out of their usual routes....I didn't know the route of this tram, was undecided...then started running...luckily the tram driver kept the door open till I reached...n I got up...
2 stations went by which I didn't know even by name...the third station seemed familiar...n I got down...so angry I was till then....
I got down....there was this man who was coming running...like me...but the tram driver didn't stop this time....the man showed his middle finger to the tram driver...
why do people behave differently with different people...he waited for me...I didn't thank him or gave him a smile...perhaps should have...but I got up and down from the last door...he was too far...this guy...I guess he didn't stop for him thinking I have been so ungrateful...n he was shown the middle finger...

walked a little while...saw a daddy playing with a little girl...all dressed in pink...saw a flower shop...the lady looked at me with expectation...perhaps she hasn't sold much....went on...walked walked...crossed the road...again crossed the next road...till I reached the next tram station...

had been lucky...before I could even reach, a tram came up that goes to my house...got into the tram...
saw this lady...she was fat...very fat n not good looking also...I wdn't have put so much attention on her if she didn't have a cigarette packet in her hand, with a cigarette pulled out of it...held between her fingers, she was so desperate...moment she gets down from the tram she'd start smoking...then...next moment...she took out this bottle from her bag...n held it in between her legs....and then I saw...tears streaming down her eyes...she trying her best to cover up her face with her short hair...
I put on this extremely stern face u know boo...almost a heartless look I had...sans all softness...as if I didn't notice...as if I don't care...
I have cried so many times in public transport...I know I beg in my mind then...that people don't notice...don't sympathize...

I got down one tram station away from my home...and walked back....just rushed on to call mom...poor lady was overwhelmed...what has happened to her daughter...it was well past 12:30...in india...everyone at home was up and worrying about me...

don't know what I get by telling u....anger was primarily on u...so had to tell u...but more than that...I thought...if u have read through this story...it will help u somehow...I unburdened myself anyways....

good night...head is still throbbing with anger...I just wanna go back boo...it was a wrong decision to come here...either I'd have never gone back to india and done this goof up with u which has obviously wrecked me beyond repair....or I should have never come back here...thinking I wl be able to forget u n move on....

If you are done with reading this long boring mail...then in a nut shell I will tell you what I had to undergo today. No reply to this mail. Then I waited for more that a hour after reaching office and getting online...no ping....when we talk...the conversation went like this....

me: ya  
because it hurts me  
u know how I feel  
everytime in the morning...I login with trepidation...wl he have mailed?  
n then when I don't see...it is like...someone with very long sharp nails digs at my hurt...  
I feel that much pain 
bt doesn't matter...to u...  
so u can keep ignoring me...  
and keep showing it to me that I am not important enough...
he: see... small small things is such a big deal for u  
i cant handle u.. i am telling that
knife in heart.. punch in face
all that sounds a lot of crap for me
i have better things to do .. than dreaming how some one is feeling ... some time.. ...

I don't know why I am writing this here. My intention is not to draw sympathy. I just want to tell the world, what I am going through. Is this the dream relationship I wanted? After going through so much in life, is this the man I have chosen, hoping he will shield me? Why am I making myself go through this? I shall definitely go mad if this continues for a while more....God, was I born on this earth just to get stab after stab after stab in the heart? Am I never permitted a moment of peace? Just a moment?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Difference...

Just how different is this time's stay in Prague than the other times? Well I'll try to enumerate.
1. I write so less. If you see...all other times my onsite stays are the ones when my blog has really come alive. I have so much time...to think and talk and walk through this realm of self realization. But this time it is so different. I am tired, or lazy or weary to write on my repetitive thoughts. It seems I have been put in a time capsule. Can do nothing as per my wish, as per a predefined schedule. I am always running late and never able to find enough motivation. The crux of the matter is, I put down my thoughts or don't, either ways it'd lead to nowhere.
2. I don't like Prague. I don't know how many times I have  written in this blog itself, and just how many more times I have told everyone I know, that Prague is my most favorite place on earth. And this time, nothing attracts me. It seems so lifeless. Can you imagine, in my stay of more than a month, I have never gone to Charles Bridge and Old Town Square? Only home, office, Tesco and Interspar has been my domain here. Only existence, no life...
3. I am more unsocial than ever. I seldom login to gtalk, except office hours, I hardly ever login to Facebook. I haven't talked yet with anyone except mom, dad and Boo over the phone, except the official calls.
4. First time I am onsite and I am reading a book. This has never ever happened. Not in Singapore, not in my earlier visits to Prague. I have always carried books with me, but never ever read them, not even a page. This time, I have finished around 470 pages of a 700+ period novel in Bengali (Sei Samay). It is not that  I enjoy reading the book or remain engrossed in it completely. Even this I do reluctantly....but I do.
5. I don't know why...but it seems it is becoming an all negative's list:
~I planned to go and sit in this nearby park and do some pencil sketch - didn't work out.
~I made this wonderful prawn curry with coconut and didn't enjoy eating it - it is supposed to be my most favorite food on earth, just ate it mechanically.
~Every weekend I prepare some new stuff, take a photo and send Bee, as for me, all I fret is the cooking is not spoiled, I'm able to finish it before that.
6. The only happy part is when I eat lunch out with my Czech colleagues, and end up giving them a good doze of lecture every time, on India in particular and Asia in general. Mostly I'm doing all the talking, they just ask questions, and they might be bored, but I enjoy it a lot...
7. My complete lack of chemistry with the Leo. Why the Leo, men in general don't allure me anymore. Despite all my efforts at looking good, I look less than average (mostly because of my Snivellus Snape type of hair), and I have kind of given up on all girlish feelings. Towards the beginning of my stay I made such a fuss about my eyebrows, and went and got an expensive pair of tweezers, but now, eyebrows are again in bad shape, and I don't even care.
8. My entire times goes in Boo. I talk to him, think about him, mail him, chat with him, quarrel if he doesn't show enough interest, and on top of that even dream about him. Strange strange dreams, where mostly he is going away from me or just treating me as a mere acquaintance. It breaks my heart when Boo doesn't give me enough importance...when he is not romantic (and he is never romantic, never ever). I can't explain...I just crave to be near him. I feel, for the first ever time in my life, I am ready for a life with someone else, having considered all the cons, all the loopholes, all the loss of independence. I feel so so ready to chuck away my old life and enter a new one. I am still undecided, about what to do, if an offer comes to stay here further. The reason why I am not yet raising it is, in the core of my heart, I really want to go back. Be with him. I can't imagine a life without him now.

Ok, time to go and start preparation for my squid rings. That is first item for this weekend :)

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Uncertainty...

For two days now, all I am doing is to think...think and think...I keep on thinking...can't stop...but the thoughts are so so disorganized that let alone putting them in words, I can't understand them too well myself...
I tried to write in the morning...failed miserably...I am trying to write now...every now and then my mind will divert, wrote mail to Boo...wrote mail to bhai...now planning to cook boneless chicken with mayonnaise sauce, I will do everything but I won't write...
...Well...planned to cook gravy and eat it with rice, but then ended up making risotto...it turned out to be delicious...(disclaimer: I am a big fan of my cooking, partiality is not ruled out).
See the matter can be stated in 1 line also...the topic of my thought process is...what happens to me in the future. Now starts the fun. Life is so unsure at the moment, that I don't know how to progress on this thought. What happens if I stay on in Prague, remote though the possibility is. Well, if I accept it...this is the best possible life. I work, I earn, I cook, I eat, I sleep. Since I have to go out everyday, at least every week day, I try to keep myself well groomed and presentable. I don't turn into a vegetable. I am with myself, and reasonably happy.
Yes this seems a good option till the time I don't yearn for company. How long can I continue to cook and eat all by myself? I jokingly tell myself, good na? Your family members won't complain about your cooking. But at times you crave for this complain only.
I go back to India...then? What happens to me? Do I continue with the same job? Do I have a job at all? Would I be able to complete 9 years of work experience, let alone 10? Even most insignificant achievements elude me...and I have learnt it the hard way...
So what happens to me? Do I continue to stay in Bangalore, or finally get a chance to stay in Kolkata. How will life be in Kolkata? Will I be able to cope up? Do I go to some new city, try to find a life there? Will the fear and uncertainty go then?
You will wonder, why I am not speaking about love and marriage. Love, what love? How long will it stay? Has it ever stayed? And marriage is not on the cards. I don't know, I don't know....if I'd just bend down a little I'd have it all, but I want it my way...and that will never happen. As I said, the thought process never ends...just makes me more and more tired....

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Life in the past three weeks...

Prague was warm and sunny when I arrived. It is still sunny once in a while, but not warm anymore...I am afraid. In fact I am quite getting used to the cold spot, that the tip of my capsicum nose always is. Point here is, I have absolutely no idea how a nose can be compared with a capsicum, but Boo said so...
"The pic is good, but the nose is as big as capsicum. ha ha"

My nose has long been one of my biggest woes. It is flat and round and as ugly as it can be. There is this famous story in the family, of my father's elder brother seeing me first time and exclaiming aloud...Oh my God, for her nose only you guys have to spend 2 lakh rupees. Now don't ask me if he meant dowry or plastic surgery :) Well 2 lakhs in 1979 would be what, 10 lakhs now I guess - minimum. You can understand just how much of a headache my nose is. Now point here is...how can nose be a headache? Shouldn't it simply be a nose ache?

After a long time I feel like writing. Was too much boggled down by circumstances. Couldn't find anything that could cheer me up. The first 3 weeks in Prague, which again is kind of my most favorite place on earth, went such a futile waste. I don't know exactly what triggered it off. May be the long stay at home, may be the long absence from office, may be the sudden change in workload, may be the sudden shift in work perspective, and who knows, may be my relationship dilemma also. Perhaps everything contributed their shares, and I was too weak to cope up. But now I feel better. So much so that...today I had literally made up my mind to get up in the morning and go for a walk. A walk or a tram ride, visit the places I like, sip some hot chocolate, do some small shopping...I had promised to myself that I won't be pensive, and I won't be at home. Well, as it is, I am not pensive, but a coughing bout in the morning, made me stay at home. It was the worst coughing bout I have ever had...usual morning coffee I was having, and had roasted few almonds to go with it. I don't know, perhaps I choked on something, but it was as if...my life would come out of my throat. I again wondered, how helpless a lonely life can be. Had I actually stopped breathing, there would be no one who would have even known.

As you can see, I am not destined to die so early. I'm fine now, just totally exhausted. So thought of relaxing at home itself. How best to relax than with my blog. So with the music on in the background, I feel I should write a synopsis of what's been on all this while...

Well...I don't really know...how to begin...I get particularly distracted by this song...mora piya mohse bolat nahi...particularly by the lines -

humri ek muskan pe woh to apni jaan lutata ttha...
Jag bisrake...atho paheriya...morey hi gun gatattha...

During this tough time....I felt his presence all the more...when I had almost made up my mind...this is it, I am resigning from work today...as I walked towards office, he walked with me...held my hand and said...my girlie's never wrong...and his soft brown eyes lit up my world :)

Will he ever go away from my life? I guess not. He is the only man who has given me selfless love. He never took anything from me, nothing. He just gave...pure unconditional love and care...wherever he is...however much distant he is....he is my darling...my bossie...my human-God :)

One particularly tough night, I wrote to Karthik also, "Tarun used to say...They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And then Tarun used to say...well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. And Tarun used to say...when was the last time, you did something for the first time....I feel it is best....I remain with a make believe character like my bossie...who never hurts me...now that he's gone forever..."

I don't know...it was like...he was forcing himself back in my life. He was urging me with his typical crooked smile...baalike...forget all crap dreams, of having a future and settling down in life. Be happy with me, my memories, your time machine...way you always were...way you had promised to yourself you'd be...when you lost everything. Why screw your life with these expectations...he shouted aloud, kept repeating in my mind...expectation rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...jaise mere se nahi rakkhi...kisi se bhi mat rakkho...khush rahogi...

I don't know where from I get the strength to fight my battles. Not from myself I am sure. Karthik helps, my family helps, Tarun inspires. And I live on :)

Office work was getting particularly bugging. It is a developer's work...anyone with less than half my experience can manage to do it...only reason I am motivated to do it is the business and management factor. Suddenly they took a decision that I need to report in to a lady who is having same amount of experience as me, and not from my domain and technology. Her only qualification being, she has spent all her life in the organization. So she was deemed senior to me and I was expected to update her on the status of my assigned activities, and let myself be tracked by her...yeah you got it absolutely right, WTF came to my mind as well :D...so I vehemently protested. So much so, that the entire project management work has totally gone for a toss now, but that is not my problem. I am doing my work and sticking to my preferences...this is what I can do, and this is what I won't do...

Second trouble was Boo the idiot. This was one pain that drained me...absolutely killed me...he is such an idiot. After our short stint of work together, it was tough in itself to stay away from him. But as life would have it, he traveled home and in another week, so did I. Then he traveled onsite, and in three more weeks, so did I. A week after reaching Prague, and settling down, I kind of broke down...it felt as if, I just need him, nothing else will work out. Don't mistake me, I did come here with a mind to relieve me of my growing dependency on him. That's why I didn't stop the extension of work permit, or anything else that will take life towards an extended solitary stay here. For life in Bangalore is doubtful, to say the least. What do I do going back there? See him get married? His parents have shifted there, and well...I can't even storm into his house when I really need him...at least not without losing my senses completely. And I know him, he is a perfect clone of Shehzada Salim....he'd watch me die at the hands of his parents, than even admit something as scandalizing as the fact that we are in a supposed relationship. And now that relationships at office also have soured much, Bangalore does seem to be a dreadful place. I was torn, to say the least. I just wanted to feel loved, I just wanted some reassurance, that I was not entirely worthless and uncraved for. I just asked him...Boo, can you tell "I love you" once to me? Oh God, now when I think back, I curse myself for ever asking that. I wanted to comfort myself, got into a worse fix. Shehzada Salim remembered his old life...probably, don't know what the hell happened...he got hell bent that he won't say it. And it was like...poking a searing hot knife in my heart...I just couldn't bear the pain. 7 days, you won't believe, 7 days went in me coaxing him, to say it just once. 7th May I had asked, he said it on 13th May. And weren't they the most agonizing 7 days of my life. I was totally traumatized. I don't know why, it went to the extent that, either he says it or I don't live anymore. I lost my appetite, I lost my concentration at work, I lost all reasons to live. You won't believe how I was tortured by him all this time, and I too tortured him back in return. But finally - it was I who won.

Doesn't really matter much now. I am at peace with myself. He cares for me, loves me, is inquisitive about me, worries about me, or even remembers me, doesn't seem to matter much. Miss him once in a while, but I am back to my lonely routine. And having written today, I feel I have got back my greatest stress buster, my writing skills. I don't know what happened in the in between period, I was so numb with pain, I couldn't even express myself...I tried so many nights, to scribble something in the blog, was at a total loss for words...