Prague was warm and sunny when I arrived. It is still sunny once in a while, but not warm anymore...I am afraid. In fact I am quite getting used to the cold spot, that the tip of my capsicum nose always is. Point here is, I have absolutely no idea how a nose can be compared with a capsicum, but Boo said so...
"The pic is good, but the nose is as big as capsicum. ha ha"
My nose has long been one of my biggest woes. It is flat and round and as ugly as it can be. There is this famous story in the family, of my father's elder brother seeing me first time and exclaiming aloud...Oh my God, for her nose only you guys have to spend 2 lakh rupees. Now don't ask me if he meant dowry or plastic surgery :) Well 2 lakhs in 1979 would be what, 10 lakhs now I guess - minimum. You can understand just how much of a headache my nose is. Now point here is...how can nose be a headache? Shouldn't it simply be a nose ache?
After a long time I feel like writing. Was too much boggled down by circumstances. Couldn't find anything that could cheer me up. The first 3 weeks in Prague, which again is kind of my most favorite place on earth, went such a futile waste. I don't know exactly what triggered it off. May be the long stay at home, may be the long absence from office, may be the sudden change in workload, may be the sudden shift in work perspective, and who knows, may be my relationship dilemma also. Perhaps everything contributed their shares, and I was too weak to cope up. But now I feel better. So much so that...today I had literally made up my mind to get up in the morning and go for a walk. A walk or a tram ride, visit the places I like, sip some hot chocolate, do some small shopping...I had promised to myself that I won't be pensive, and I won't be at home. Well, as it is, I am not pensive, but a coughing bout in the morning, made me stay at home. It was the worst coughing bout I have ever had...usual morning coffee I was having, and had roasted few almonds to go with it. I don't know, perhaps I choked on something, but it was as if...my life would come out of my throat. I again wondered, how helpless a lonely life can be. Had I actually stopped breathing, there would be no one who would have even known.
As you can see, I am not destined to die so early. I'm fine now, just totally exhausted. So thought of relaxing at home itself. How best to relax than with my blog. So with the music on in the background, I feel I should write a synopsis of what's been on all this while...
Well...I don't really know...how to begin...I get particularly distracted by this song...mora piya mohse bolat nahi...particularly by the lines -
humri ek muskan pe woh to apni jaan lutata ttha...
Jag bisrake...atho paheriya...morey hi gun gatattha...
During this tough time....I felt his presence all the more...when I had almost made up my mind...this is it, I am resigning from work today...as I walked towards office, he walked with me...held my hand and said...my girlie's never wrong...and his soft brown eyes lit up my world :)
Will he ever go away from my life? I guess not. He is the only man who has given me selfless love. He never took anything from me, nothing. He just gave...pure unconditional love and care...wherever he is...however much distant he is....he is my darling...my bossie...my human-God :)
One particularly tough night, I wrote to Karthik also, "Tarun used to say...They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And then Tarun used to say...well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. And Tarun used to say...when was the last time, you did something for the first time....I feel it is best....I remain with a make believe character like my bossie...who never hurts me...now that he's gone forever..."
I don't know...it was like...he was forcing himself back in my life. He was urging me with his typical crooked smile...baalike...forget all crap dreams, of having a future and settling down in life. Be happy with me, my memories, your time machine...way you always were...way you had promised to yourself you'd be...when you lost everything. Why screw your life with these expectations...he shouted aloud, kept repeating in my mind...expectation rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...jaise mere se nahi rakkhi...kisi se bhi mat rakkho...khush rahogi...
I don't know where from I get the strength to fight my battles. Not from myself I am sure. Karthik helps, my family helps, Tarun inspires. And I live on :)
Office work was getting particularly bugging. It is a developer's work...anyone with less than half my experience can manage to do it...only reason I am motivated to do it is the business and management factor. Suddenly they took a decision that I need to report in to a lady who is having same amount of experience as me, and not from my domain and technology. Her only qualification being, she has spent all her life in the organization. So she was deemed senior to me and I was expected to update her on the status of my assigned activities, and let myself be tracked by her...yeah you got it absolutely right, WTF came to my mind as well :D...so I vehemently protested. So much so, that the entire project management work has totally gone for a toss now, but that is not my problem. I am doing my work and sticking to my preferences...this is what I can do, and this is what I won't do...
Second trouble was Boo the idiot. This was one pain that drained me...absolutely killed me...he is such an idiot. After our short stint of work together, it was tough in itself to stay away from him. But as life would have it, he traveled home and in another week, so did I. Then he traveled onsite, and in three more weeks, so did I. A week after reaching Prague, and settling down, I kind of broke down...it felt as if, I just need him, nothing else will work out. Don't mistake me, I did come here with a mind to relieve me of my growing dependency on him. That's why I didn't stop the extension of work permit, or anything else that will take life towards an extended solitary stay here. For life in Bangalore is doubtful, to say the least. What do I do going back there? See him get married? His parents have shifted there, and well...I can't even storm into his house when I really need him...at least not without losing my senses completely. And I know him, he is a perfect clone of Shehzada Salim....he'd watch me die at the hands of his parents, than even admit something as scandalizing as the fact that we are in a supposed relationship. And now that relationships at office also have soured much, Bangalore does seem to be a dreadful place. I was torn, to say the least. I just wanted to feel loved, I just wanted some reassurance, that I was not entirely worthless and uncraved for. I just asked him...Boo, can you tell "I love you" once to me? Oh God, now when I think back, I curse myself for ever asking that. I wanted to comfort myself, got into a worse fix. Shehzada Salim remembered his old life...probably, don't know what the hell happened...he got hell bent that he won't say it. And it was like...poking a searing hot knife in my heart...I just couldn't bear the pain. 7 days, you won't believe, 7 days went in me coaxing him, to say it just once. 7th May I had asked, he said it on 13th May. And weren't they the most agonizing 7 days of my life. I was totally traumatized. I don't know why, it went to the extent that, either he says it or I don't live anymore. I lost my appetite, I lost my concentration at work, I lost all reasons to live. You won't believe how I was tortured by him all this time, and I too tortured him back in return. But finally - it was I who won.
Doesn't really matter much now. I am at peace with myself. He cares for me, loves me, is inquisitive about me, worries about me, or even remembers me, doesn't seem to matter much. Miss him once in a while, but I am back to my lonely routine. And having written today, I feel I have got back my greatest stress buster, my writing skills. I don't know what happened in the in between period, I was so numb with pain, I couldn't even express myself...I tried so many nights, to scribble something in the blog, was at a total loss for words...
"The pic is good, but the nose is as big as capsicum. ha ha"
My nose has long been one of my biggest woes. It is flat and round and as ugly as it can be. There is this famous story in the family, of my father's elder brother seeing me first time and exclaiming aloud...Oh my God, for her nose only you guys have to spend 2 lakh rupees. Now don't ask me if he meant dowry or plastic surgery :) Well 2 lakhs in 1979 would be what, 10 lakhs now I guess - minimum. You can understand just how much of a headache my nose is. Now point here is...how can nose be a headache? Shouldn't it simply be a nose ache?
After a long time I feel like writing. Was too much boggled down by circumstances. Couldn't find anything that could cheer me up. The first 3 weeks in Prague, which again is kind of my most favorite place on earth, went such a futile waste. I don't know exactly what triggered it off. May be the long stay at home, may be the long absence from office, may be the sudden change in workload, may be the sudden shift in work perspective, and who knows, may be my relationship dilemma also. Perhaps everything contributed their shares, and I was too weak to cope up. But now I feel better. So much so that...today I had literally made up my mind to get up in the morning and go for a walk. A walk or a tram ride, visit the places I like, sip some hot chocolate, do some small shopping...I had promised to myself that I won't be pensive, and I won't be at home. Well, as it is, I am not pensive, but a coughing bout in the morning, made me stay at home. It was the worst coughing bout I have ever had...usual morning coffee I was having, and had roasted few almonds to go with it. I don't know, perhaps I choked on something, but it was as if...my life would come out of my throat. I again wondered, how helpless a lonely life can be. Had I actually stopped breathing, there would be no one who would have even known.
As you can see, I am not destined to die so early. I'm fine now, just totally exhausted. So thought of relaxing at home itself. How best to relax than with my blog. So with the music on in the background, I feel I should write a synopsis of what's been on all this while...
Well...I don't really know...how to begin...I get particularly distracted by this song...mora piya mohse bolat nahi...particularly by the lines -
humri ek muskan pe woh to apni jaan lutata ttha...
Jag bisrake...atho paheriya...morey hi gun gatattha...
During this tough time....I felt his presence all the more...when I had almost made up my mind...this is it, I am resigning from work today...as I walked towards office, he walked with me...held my hand and said...my girlie's never wrong...and his soft brown eyes lit up my world :)
Will he ever go away from my life? I guess not. He is the only man who has given me selfless love. He never took anything from me, nothing. He just gave...pure unconditional love and care...wherever he is...however much distant he is....he is my darling...my bossie...my human-God :)
One particularly tough night, I wrote to Karthik also, "Tarun used to say...They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And then Tarun used to say...well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. And Tarun used to say...when was the last time, you did something for the first time....I feel it is best....I remain with a make believe character like my bossie...who never hurts me...now that he's gone forever..."
I don't know...it was like...he was forcing himself back in my life. He was urging me with his typical crooked smile...baalike...forget all crap dreams, of having a future and settling down in life. Be happy with me, my memories, your time machine...way you always were...way you had promised to yourself you'd be...when you lost everything. Why screw your life with these expectations...he shouted aloud, kept repeating in my mind...expectation rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...jaise mere se nahi rakkhi...kisi se bhi mat rakkho...khush rahogi...
I don't know where from I get the strength to fight my battles. Not from myself I am sure. Karthik helps, my family helps, Tarun inspires. And I live on :)
Office work was getting particularly bugging. It is a developer's work...anyone with less than half my experience can manage to do it...only reason I am motivated to do it is the business and management factor. Suddenly they took a decision that I need to report in to a lady who is having same amount of experience as me, and not from my domain and technology. Her only qualification being, she has spent all her life in the organization. So she was deemed senior to me and I was expected to update her on the status of my assigned activities, and let myself be tracked by her...yeah you got it absolutely right, WTF came to my mind as well :D...so I vehemently protested. So much so, that the entire project management work has totally gone for a toss now, but that is not my problem. I am doing my work and sticking to my preferences...this is what I can do, and this is what I won't do...
Second trouble was Boo the idiot. This was one pain that drained me...absolutely killed me...he is such an idiot. After our short stint of work together, it was tough in itself to stay away from him. But as life would have it, he traveled home and in another week, so did I. Then he traveled onsite, and in three more weeks, so did I. A week after reaching Prague, and settling down, I kind of broke down...it felt as if, I just need him, nothing else will work out. Don't mistake me, I did come here with a mind to relieve me of my growing dependency on him. That's why I didn't stop the extension of work permit, or anything else that will take life towards an extended solitary stay here. For life in Bangalore is doubtful, to say the least. What do I do going back there? See him get married? His parents have shifted there, and well...I can't even storm into his house when I really need him...at least not without losing my senses completely. And I know him, he is a perfect clone of Shehzada Salim....he'd watch me die at the hands of his parents, than even admit something as scandalizing as the fact that we are in a supposed relationship. And now that relationships at office also have soured much, Bangalore does seem to be a dreadful place. I was torn, to say the least. I just wanted to feel loved, I just wanted some reassurance, that I was not entirely worthless and uncraved for. I just asked him...Boo, can you tell "I love you" once to me? Oh God, now when I think back, I curse myself for ever asking that. I wanted to comfort myself, got into a worse fix. Shehzada Salim remembered his old life...probably, don't know what the hell happened...he got hell bent that he won't say it. And it was like...poking a searing hot knife in my heart...I just couldn't bear the pain. 7 days, you won't believe, 7 days went in me coaxing him, to say it just once. 7th May I had asked, he said it on 13th May. And weren't they the most agonizing 7 days of my life. I was totally traumatized. I don't know why, it went to the extent that, either he says it or I don't live anymore. I lost my appetite, I lost my concentration at work, I lost all reasons to live. You won't believe how I was tortured by him all this time, and I too tortured him back in return. But finally - it was I who won.
Doesn't really matter much now. I am at peace with myself. He cares for me, loves me, is inquisitive about me, worries about me, or even remembers me, doesn't seem to matter much. Miss him once in a while, but I am back to my lonely routine. And having written today, I feel I have got back my greatest stress buster, my writing skills. I don't know what happened in the in between period, I was so numb with pain, I couldn't even express myself...I tried so many nights, to scribble something in the blog, was at a total loss for words...
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