I seek stability. Most of all, more than anything else in life. Homecoming is sweet, the only thorn that hurts is - this is but a transient phase. Two weeks will go by in a moment.
Not that I don't like Bangalore. As I was walking back home on Thursday evening, I did feel a pang. Felt as if I'd miss everything, each stall on the roadside, each individual doggy, black, brown or tawny colored, each familiar face, the myriad of thoughts I have in my mind, as I walk home, a time which is very much mine, very much stress free, after a long tiring day. Once I reach home new frustrations would start, existing confusions would persist. So I very much enjoy those few moments of walking - as my ipod would inevitably play.
I thought of writing a small entry one day, somehow that never happened. Now I don't remember the incidents clearly, but still want to write about it - so that I can explain what this walk means to me. That morning, so far as I remember, it was still October, and I was kind of on top of the world. As I walked towards the bus stand, I remembered Shanu. I somehow sketched a picture of visiting her once again in Delhi, this time not alone. Though I wholeheartedly admit I am a most imaginative person, still there is a distinct reason behind this particular thought. Those couple of days spent in Delhi were among my happiest. For I am quite sure now, I'll never have a baby girl, which has probably been my oldest dream in life. In Shanu I could see my own reflection. Her sulking, her tantrums, and her sitting in one corner, well hidden behind the sofa and shedding silent tears - her incessant attempts of keeping everyone happy and at the same time maintaining her whims - and all those times spent with her sitting on my belly and talking incessantly with me. "Pishi..." in her sweet shrill voice. And the thoughts would come to me once in a while, I was just realizing them, they were very nascent, but I'd still feel his nearness somehow, and get goosebumps...
So for some reason, I was weaving this sweet picture, when we were visiting Shanu, and I'd try my best to impress on her how stupid her uncle is :) Shanu has a great sense of humor. She knows only two Indian languages, Hindi and Bengali. She'd make sure that for people who don't know both, she speaks in the unknown language, so that she remains incomprehensible. Now, I just wondered what Shanu would probably do to her uncle, who unfortunately, cannot speak well in any language on earth.
Something went awry in a huge way that day. As I returned home that night, I reflected, how transformed my thoughts are. The morning's ideas were no more of any relevance. I silently apologized to Shanu, Shanu sweety, sorry, me and you won't ever be able to make fun of him I guess...I walked on...I looked around, I told myself, perhaps this is my life, this familiar road, walking back home everyday, the same shops, the same smell of food, people speaking on the phone, chatting with friends, boy and girl walking hand in hand, and me - just reminiscing or contemplating, never living in the present, never expecting anything to happen, which would make NOW worthwhile.
This walk in a way, symbolizes me, moving on for nothing. I don't know what lies ahead, all I know is, in all probability it is nothingness.
So...when at the end of that nothingness, there is a short visit to home, followed by void, more travel, more lack of plans and more unmet dreams, how on earth can someone be contented? Oh, if it were that I don't have the ingredients to cook, that could have been an unfortunate situation, and I'd rather remain hungry. But what does one do when the things just won't get cooked? they just remain raw, and I have to hold my patience - when 90% chance is that it'd get burnt? How long can someone keep hoping? At best I can get a new ration, get new vessels, new fuel too..but isn't it practically impossible to continue this experiment eternally?
I don't know...the sparrow outside the window, whom I met today afternoon, asked me to hold on...it was a tiny little being, perhaps not even fully grown. But it seemed wiser than me. "See, I'm just learning to fly...and you are thinking of giving up?"
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Tere bina beswadi beswadi ratiya...o sajna...
As was the case with the Raaz song, this song kept coming back to me in the past few days...in the middle of all work, all of a sudden a voice would come out with utmost pain...Katena Katena Tere Bina...
I didn't have the remotest idea that this would happen. Thankfully, now I have been able to gather enough work in office to save myself from thinking. I really should thank my employers for treating me so liberally. What I have not gained in the last one year. I should be happy, way my career is developing. A particularly happy event was receiving a mail from the CEO, welcoming me to my new role. Simply loved it. He was the only person I shared the mail with. We had some casual communication, thanks to that mail. Probably the only communication we had this week, apart from his sms's and missed calls. That too has stopped now.
It feels so empty at moments. Somethings are a common trait in our relationship. Like my crying in Volvo buses. Firstly, the Volvo buses make you feel comfortable (except the conductor's reluctance to give 5 Rs change). Then, most people are dozing off. So you can indulge your break down. Today for example, I was as usual tuned in to my ipod. The song from Chak De India, Maula mere le le meri jaan...was playing. Suddenly I remembered my SG days. This was a particular favorite of Sambit. And inevitably I remembered him. Way he would comment on my thoughts (there was this line tija tera rang ttha main to - I explained it as - the color of their flag is the third color of our flag - my my he made such a strange face and burst into laughter) - that memory should have actually made me laugh, but suddenly, I felt excruciating pain. Somehow, away from everyone's eyes, I rubbed off my tears.
I have well planned agendas these days. Come back home and watch so and so movie (I am even watching stuff like Bodyguard - well Kareena and her dresses were quite good to look at) - or probably...sleep early. Something that won't make me wait for him, his calls (which I won't anyways pick up), and his subsequent sms's.
I laugh at myself and tell, let it be. It's over now. It wouldn't have worked out anyways. And yet...all that comes back in return is...aaja katena ratiya...
Today's agenda was...to write up the expenses for November. First I had to put in a lot of effort to locate the last updated expenses file in my mail box. Then after a lot of wrong versions that I downloaded, finally, when I checked the final file, it was updated till Oct 28th.
So I returned to my draft folder in the mobile, where I just note down the expenses, not the description (I guess I already mentioned this in some August entry). And the day, not the date. So 29th Oct was noted as fr 480 20. I began reluctantly, what's this 480 man - must be some dinner I had with bro. 20? Auto fare may be. But as is my habit, I wanted to remember. Which dinner? And then it came back to me. Excerpts of things he had told that day. "You are the only one I'm telling this", "Why do I tell u everything", "I can't express emotions"...everyday from the Volvo bus, I'd painfully look at the window seat at Transit and relive that day. But see, I had forgotten which day. Well, thankfully 31st October was not eventful. My iball earphone had finally stopped working so I had to buy a new one. Since there was no branded one, I got a local one for Rs 90 (which by the way stopped working last week). Apart from that, bus fare and lunch.
Then came 1st November. Curious figures. Tu 7 4 10. I was once again bowled over. This is no stone age, that bus would take 7 or 4 instead of 11. Not even 10. If I'm unable to give change, he'll keep entire 20 Rs but not take 10 :) Then what. I kept pondering, 1st November, was it a holiday? Yes of course it was, Kannada Rajyotsava. But what did I do? And then it all came back. That was probably the maddest thing I have ever done in my life. That day told me just how much I am in love with him (without any apparent reason - as the dumb head simply doesn't deserve me) - that day kind of changed me. Probably what I did last Saturday night (oh when will Saturday nights stop making me crazy?) was the culmination of what I did on November 1st. Ab tere bina Sajna Sajna Kate Katena...once again...
He's not the first man I've been with. Not the closest I've come to any man. Then why should he be allowed to cause so much turmoil in my mind. How can he make me so lifeless? This has never happened, never ever happened.
This is for him...even if we never speak to each other again...
O Humdum Bin Tere Kya Jeena?
I didn't have the remotest idea that this would happen. Thankfully, now I have been able to gather enough work in office to save myself from thinking. I really should thank my employers for treating me so liberally. What I have not gained in the last one year. I should be happy, way my career is developing. A particularly happy event was receiving a mail from the CEO, welcoming me to my new role. Simply loved it. He was the only person I shared the mail with. We had some casual communication, thanks to that mail. Probably the only communication we had this week, apart from his sms's and missed calls. That too has stopped now.
It feels so empty at moments. Somethings are a common trait in our relationship. Like my crying in Volvo buses. Firstly, the Volvo buses make you feel comfortable (except the conductor's reluctance to give 5 Rs change). Then, most people are dozing off. So you can indulge your break down. Today for example, I was as usual tuned in to my ipod. The song from Chak De India, Maula mere le le meri jaan...was playing. Suddenly I remembered my SG days. This was a particular favorite of Sambit. And inevitably I remembered him. Way he would comment on my thoughts (there was this line tija tera rang ttha main to - I explained it as - the color of their flag is the third color of our flag - my my he made such a strange face and burst into laughter) - that memory should have actually made me laugh, but suddenly, I felt excruciating pain. Somehow, away from everyone's eyes, I rubbed off my tears.
I have well planned agendas these days. Come back home and watch so and so movie (I am even watching stuff like Bodyguard - well Kareena and her dresses were quite good to look at) - or probably...sleep early. Something that won't make me wait for him, his calls (which I won't anyways pick up), and his subsequent sms's.
I laugh at myself and tell, let it be. It's over now. It wouldn't have worked out anyways. And yet...all that comes back in return is...aaja katena ratiya...
Today's agenda was...to write up the expenses for November. First I had to put in a lot of effort to locate the last updated expenses file in my mail box. Then after a lot of wrong versions that I downloaded, finally, when I checked the final file, it was updated till Oct 28th.
So I returned to my draft folder in the mobile, where I just note down the expenses, not the description (I guess I already mentioned this in some August entry). And the day, not the date. So 29th Oct was noted as fr 480 20. I began reluctantly, what's this 480 man - must be some dinner I had with bro. 20? Auto fare may be. But as is my habit, I wanted to remember. Which dinner? And then it came back to me. Excerpts of things he had told that day. "You are the only one I'm telling this", "Why do I tell u everything", "I can't express emotions"...everyday from the Volvo bus, I'd painfully look at the window seat at Transit and relive that day. But see, I had forgotten which day. Well, thankfully 31st October was not eventful. My iball earphone had finally stopped working so I had to buy a new one. Since there was no branded one, I got a local one for Rs 90 (which by the way stopped working last week). Apart from that, bus fare and lunch.
Then came 1st November. Curious figures. Tu 7 4 10. I was once again bowled over. This is no stone age, that bus would take 7 or 4 instead of 11. Not even 10. If I'm unable to give change, he'll keep entire 20 Rs but not take 10 :) Then what. I kept pondering, 1st November, was it a holiday? Yes of course it was, Kannada Rajyotsava. But what did I do? And then it all came back. That was probably the maddest thing I have ever done in my life. That day told me just how much I am in love with him (without any apparent reason - as the dumb head simply doesn't deserve me) - that day kind of changed me. Probably what I did last Saturday night (oh when will Saturday nights stop making me crazy?) was the culmination of what I did on November 1st. Ab tere bina Sajna Sajna Kate Katena...once again...
He's not the first man I've been with. Not the closest I've come to any man. Then why should he be allowed to cause so much turmoil in my mind. How can he make me so lifeless? This has never happened, never ever happened.
This is for him...even if we never speak to each other again...
O Humdum Bin Tere Kya Jeena?
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
New Moon...
I love the fact that my mind has such an independent identity. She is a real proud soul. And she doesn't feel embarrassed about her whims.
I am a romantic soul. Period. Even if the entire world turns pathetically practical, I won't. I quite liked the way Rajeev Masand reviewed Breaking Dawn Part 1. He actually said something like - for those of us who are not a fan of the twilight series, it is a pleasant thought that there is only one more movie to go. Hearing this review, I had almost made up my mind not to watch the movie.
And then I thought, let's watch the trailers once. And I loved it so.
See, fairy tales don't happen. Agreed. You don't find a live Edward Cullen. True. But then, is that reason enough that I should kill my basic nature? NO.
I can stop loving people who don't love me back. May be I can. But why should I stop loving my dreams? If it takes 2 hours of watching the movie alone, I am ok about it. I will go and watch it all the same. Twilight series, and the support it had given me during tough times, deserve this much.
They are wrong when they say love never dies. Love dies only by one method. The one described in Taare Zameen Par. When the tribes of a certain island wants to cut a tree, they don't use an axe, they simply go and insult it. It dies automatically.
It's ok. I anyways never expected anything from my life. It's good in a way. As I wrote some six months back, I again write, no regrets :)
I am a romantic soul. Period. Even if the entire world turns pathetically practical, I won't. I quite liked the way Rajeev Masand reviewed Breaking Dawn Part 1. He actually said something like - for those of us who are not a fan of the twilight series, it is a pleasant thought that there is only one more movie to go. Hearing this review, I had almost made up my mind not to watch the movie.
And then I thought, let's watch the trailers once. And I loved it so.
See, fairy tales don't happen. Agreed. You don't find a live Edward Cullen. True. But then, is that reason enough that I should kill my basic nature? NO.
I can stop loving people who don't love me back. May be I can. But why should I stop loving my dreams? If it takes 2 hours of watching the movie alone, I am ok about it. I will go and watch it all the same. Twilight series, and the support it had given me during tough times, deserve this much.
They are wrong when they say love never dies. Love dies only by one method. The one described in Taare Zameen Par. When the tribes of a certain island wants to cut a tree, they don't use an axe, they simply go and insult it. It dies automatically.
It's ok. I anyways never expected anything from my life. It's good in a way. As I wrote some six months back, I again write, no regrets :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Phoenix...
24 hours
-------------
Its been precisely 24 hours...and I don't really intend to describe the situation. I'll just state facts. I'm terribly sleepy...literally dozing off every now and then. I don't have any negative feeling right now, nothing demeaning. Only problem is that I sneeze a lot today, it's disturbing everyone in the office. I'm not really sure when I got the cold. Till morning I was just fine.
48 Hours
---------------
Well...it seems I never felt better...I guess I'm happy. If I say in a very Bollywood style...first thing I should say is….NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…I shouldn’t speak of my happiness in public. Because as soon as I even give away the remotest evidence of being happy, meri zindagi nark ban jati hai….nahiiiiiiiiiiiii…mujhe apni khushi kisiko nahi dikhani….
Ok enough of filmi style…we were speaking about sneezing. Unfortunately, though I took good rest yesterday, so ideally I should have been able to go to office today. But no. Life repeats itself. It somehow repeated 7th August. I woke up at 4. In the dawn. And I was almost equally happy. But then I dozed of…and next time I woke up, I couldn’t force myself to get ready and go. Today was predetermined to be lazy and relaxing, may be full of self discoveries…
I often asked myself, how is it that they say happiness is not dependent on a person? Then how can a person make me so happy or sad? Now I realized, it is indeed not dependent on a person. It’s dependent on your self confidence, your willingness to live. If you give so much importance to a person that he starts molding your behavior and attitude towards life, then comes the crisis.
Faith is something you can’t live without. If you are too unsure of yourself, or the people who surround you, then put all your faith in God. He puts everything right. And gives you back your long lost happiness.
C’mon the whole life’s ahead of me…thoda datke saamna to kar ladki…Mark my words, never say curtains…life’s never curtains till the last breath
-------------
Its been precisely 24 hours...and I don't really intend to describe the situation. I'll just state facts. I'm terribly sleepy...literally dozing off every now and then. I don't have any negative feeling right now, nothing demeaning. Only problem is that I sneeze a lot today, it's disturbing everyone in the office. I'm not really sure when I got the cold. Till morning I was just fine.
48 Hours
---------------
Well...it seems I never felt better...I guess I'm happy. If I say in a very Bollywood style...first thing I should say is….NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…I shouldn’t speak of my happiness in public. Because as soon as I even give away the remotest evidence of being happy, meri zindagi nark ban jati hai….nahiiiiiiiiiiiii…mujhe apni khushi kisiko nahi dikhani….
Ok enough of filmi style…we were speaking about sneezing. Unfortunately, though I took good rest yesterday, so ideally I should have been able to go to office today. But no. Life repeats itself. It somehow repeated 7th August. I woke up at 4. In the dawn. And I was almost equally happy. But then I dozed of…and next time I woke up, I couldn’t force myself to get ready and go. Today was predetermined to be lazy and relaxing, may be full of self discoveries…
I often asked myself, how is it that they say happiness is not dependent on a person? Then how can a person make me so happy or sad? Now I realized, it is indeed not dependent on a person. It’s dependent on your self confidence, your willingness to live. If you give so much importance to a person that he starts molding your behavior and attitude towards life, then comes the crisis.
Faith is something you can’t live without. If you are too unsure of yourself, or the people who surround you, then put all your faith in God. He puts everything right. And gives you back your long lost happiness.
C’mon the whole life’s ahead of me…thoda datke saamna to kar ladki…Mark my words, never say curtains…life’s never curtains till the last breath
Monday, November 7, 2011
The final succumbing...
Very rarely it happens that you happen to lose your composure entirely. I'm in such a state currently. I don't know what I am thinking, or talking, or doing. I am all set to hurt everyone, known and unknown to me, as if that can bring down my pain. As usual I feel a poisonous contempt towards my parents, mostly my father. Last time I behaved so badly with him was after that Mumbai incident. That time too, I blamed him for the course my life had taken. This time as well. It astonishes me to think that I am considering one of my greatest friends ever, to be equivalent to that wretched idiot from Mumbai. How much more can your selfishness take away from you?
I tried to be practical. I can now see what your inner subdued wishes can do to you. Having no way to take it forward, I discovered a way to decelerate my emotions. Kept telling myself, it all boils down to the figure 13.5, which is not going to work out. But is that all there is to love and well being? Our bonding and satisfaction? I found no answer.
I can't incriminate him. My life is business of nobody else. Perhaps my actual agony is that I can't even be a Bhumisuta. I was happy being one till date. "Yes, I don't need anyone else. My life ends in my brown eyed prince." He's broken this notion entirely. I no longer feel that oneness with my so called soul mate. I don't remember him even. At the same time, I can't even give away the same position to anyone else.
For the first time in my life I feel I am going mad. I can't collect my thoughts even, let alone arrange them. I really feel like killing myself. I have never ever felt so suicidal. I find life to be quite quite meaningless and God to be entirely non existent. I wish now that the miracle had never happened, instead of taking place, and then establishing that it was not a miracle after all. I have come down in my own eyes, for being so over-imaginative, thoughtless and impractical. Now when the truth and practicality comes back to me, I don't have the means to deal with the situation. I don't blame anyone. I just feel its good time to call it curtains.
I tried to be practical. I can now see what your inner subdued wishes can do to you. Having no way to take it forward, I discovered a way to decelerate my emotions. Kept telling myself, it all boils down to the figure 13.5, which is not going to work out. But is that all there is to love and well being? Our bonding and satisfaction? I found no answer.
I can't incriminate him. My life is business of nobody else. Perhaps my actual agony is that I can't even be a Bhumisuta. I was happy being one till date. "Yes, I don't need anyone else. My life ends in my brown eyed prince." He's broken this notion entirely. I no longer feel that oneness with my so called soul mate. I don't remember him even. At the same time, I can't even give away the same position to anyone else.
For the first time in my life I feel I am going mad. I can't collect my thoughts even, let alone arrange them. I really feel like killing myself. I have never ever felt so suicidal. I find life to be quite quite meaningless and God to be entirely non existent. I wish now that the miracle had never happened, instead of taking place, and then establishing that it was not a miracle after all. I have come down in my own eyes, for being so over-imaginative, thoughtless and impractical. Now when the truth and practicality comes back to me, I don't have the means to deal with the situation. I don't blame anyone. I just feel its good time to call it curtains.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Rainy day thoughts...
It rained today. Rained a huge lot. As usual I felt happy and got wet in the rain. Rain seems to be my best friend. A friend who won't change, who won't leave me ever. A friend who doesn't have other friends. It's always our world, the world just for the two of us.
It gave me time to think. Think over what's been happening. The rain always clears up my mind.
Two things have been going on parallely. I have been listening to my mind. At the same time I have been attaching too much importance to this. I have to remember that I have overcome worse times in my life. I had to let go of my soul mate even. Quietly, without even telling him how much I loved him. I have failed in exams, didn't get admissions anywhere for more than 2 weeks after Higher Secondary results were out. I have walked out of the exam hall in my Masters degree. I have lost jobs, changed entire course of my career for petty fights (which by the way were important for me). I have got two successive 5 on 5 rating from client. I guess I have been a brave enough girl. I should not be governed by the thoughts and acts of a guy who doesn't even know his preferences. And one more thing. People who play safe side games are not my particular favorites. I have never tried to keep anyone happy, always acted as the situation demanded. I don't like people who want a peaceful, well made up world devoid of choice.
He always tells me, that he gives chances to people. First chance, second chance etc. To see if they are his type. And then based on the response, dismisses them, or establishes the friendship. Well I too tend to do that. I do have gluing properties and an open mind, and I can entirely revise my earlier decisions on someone, based on circumstances, but still I too have a tolerance level. E.g. I now know that Deepti is pretty selfish. I mean, I have always known that, but turned a blind eye because I loved her so much. Similarly, Ananya doesn't have much control on her mind. That makes her pretty much volatile. These are perhaps among my longest lasting friendships, but when my mind has changed, I can't deny that. My mind doesn't lie to me.
I have lost a kid. I guess not having a kid ever shouldn't lead to such desperation. I've lived through the bad times. I can handle this as well. I should always remember that I'm among the creme de la creme of the happier section of people on this earth. I actually have nothing to complain about. People get married and divorced and have kids - might be a natural phenomenon, still big deal that I'm not one of them. I won't say no regrets. Depression is a natural part of life. What I refuse is to give this gentleman more importance than he deserves.
I know what I'm sad about. I've lost my best friend. What can be done about that? Mind doesn't ask permission before creating deeper bonds. I have to accept my loss. It will rain forever. I shall shed silent tears. And heal my pain myself. Its ok, I am capable enough of living alone.
I absolutely loved the spark. I have treasured and nurtured it for 10 long months. When it cannot create fire, why beat about the bush? I don't need petty cash, I'm a multi millionaire, remember :) - it's of course an entirely different track that I have a broken phone, but can't even afford to change it :( But, since now, I'm quite sure I'll manage to learn webMethods, I guess I should change the house.
It gave me time to think. Think over what's been happening. The rain always clears up my mind.
Two things have been going on parallely. I have been listening to my mind. At the same time I have been attaching too much importance to this. I have to remember that I have overcome worse times in my life. I had to let go of my soul mate even. Quietly, without even telling him how much I loved him. I have failed in exams, didn't get admissions anywhere for more than 2 weeks after Higher Secondary results were out. I have walked out of the exam hall in my Masters degree. I have lost jobs, changed entire course of my career for petty fights (which by the way were important for me). I have got two successive 5 on 5 rating from client. I guess I have been a brave enough girl. I should not be governed by the thoughts and acts of a guy who doesn't even know his preferences. And one more thing. People who play safe side games are not my particular favorites. I have never tried to keep anyone happy, always acted as the situation demanded. I don't like people who want a peaceful, well made up world devoid of choice.
He always tells me, that he gives chances to people. First chance, second chance etc. To see if they are his type. And then based on the response, dismisses them, or establishes the friendship. Well I too tend to do that. I do have gluing properties and an open mind, and I can entirely revise my earlier decisions on someone, based on circumstances, but still I too have a tolerance level. E.g. I now know that Deepti is pretty selfish. I mean, I have always known that, but turned a blind eye because I loved her so much. Similarly, Ananya doesn't have much control on her mind. That makes her pretty much volatile. These are perhaps among my longest lasting friendships, but when my mind has changed, I can't deny that. My mind doesn't lie to me.
I have lost a kid. I guess not having a kid ever shouldn't lead to such desperation. I've lived through the bad times. I can handle this as well. I should always remember that I'm among the creme de la creme of the happier section of people on this earth. I actually have nothing to complain about. People get married and divorced and have kids - might be a natural phenomenon, still big deal that I'm not one of them. I won't say no regrets. Depression is a natural part of life. What I refuse is to give this gentleman more importance than he deserves.
I know what I'm sad about. I've lost my best friend. What can be done about that? Mind doesn't ask permission before creating deeper bonds. I have to accept my loss. It will rain forever. I shall shed silent tears. And heal my pain myself. Its ok, I am capable enough of living alone.
I absolutely loved the spark. I have treasured and nurtured it for 10 long months. When it cannot create fire, why beat about the bush? I don't need petty cash, I'm a multi millionaire, remember :) - it's of course an entirely different track that I have a broken phone, but can't even afford to change it :( But, since now, I'm quite sure I'll manage to learn webMethods, I guess I should change the house.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Misgivings
The Siberia phase - eating food alone, sitting on a park bench and sobbing - Maya, as I remember her. Jitni thi khushiyan...sab kho chuke hain...bus ek gham hai ke jaata nahi...
I couldn't hold back for more than a day. I simply couldn't. I have been holding myself back from time immemorial. It was one small plea - "I want to be with him", and I had no way out than agreeing. I don't have a future. Nobody knows it better than me. Why waste today? He'd be angry, he might not let me in, worst case, though very unlikely, he might use foul words. But I had to reach out, all the same.
The apprehension was overwhelming. I have never done anything in life half as reckless. My big fat ego came before everything else. Well not any more. Yesterday, the downpouring rain told me that he's far more important, in fact, the most important person at the spur of the moment. You know why? Because he brings me happiness. Happiness in a way no one ever did.
I still maintain that I don't love him. I can't love a person who's not dependable. I know he'll go away anytime soon. If I start loving him, the emotional void will be intolerable. And anyways, he has none of the qualities I look for in my man. I openly tell him the truth. That I almost hate him. But he remains indispensable. He's my kid. That's about it.
To the extent that I kill my self respect for him. I feel no need for its existence in front of him. The 15 minutes wait in front of the lake, with the wet breeze cooling me down, was indeed awesome. I had all the chances to walk away. But I stood there rooted to the ground. I knew I couldn't waste the day. I had to be with him.
The evening in the ashram revealed a lot of things to me. Revealed that I have been serving undeserving, selfish people so long. They simply don't deserve me as a daughter/lover/friend. Even he is selfish, I know. But I can forgive him. He's my kid, doesn't understand the intricacies of life.
Today, I pretended as if I own the world. Was so happy and frolicking. But fact is, I'm not. I still live in that hole of a house, I walk for almost a hour just to deposit a check on the way. The bus was packed, in fact because of the rain, there was incredible amount of traffic jam. For once I thought of exercising my rights. I had to just call him up and ask him to drop me home. And then I realized, I don't have the right. I'm not his girlfriend. I had to deposit the check today itself, the money means a lot to me. I don't know on what I am going to spend my money. Now that I have abandoned all ideas of going home even, I have no one else in my world apart from me. Still slaving gives me pleasure. Slaving as in, being like the less fortunate people. Because who knows better than me, that I'm the least fortunate of them all. So I'm shoved and pushed in the bus, as I buy the ticket. Corporation Circle to Forum in an ordinary BMTC is 9 Rs. The driver come conductor took 11. I used my feeble Kannada - Forum 9 alva? He didn't bother to answer. I decided to forgive him, at least he didn't keep the money for himself. And anyways I'd be walking back the rest of the way. I don't deserve luxury.
It was one hell of a journey. The bus was barely moving. I turned on at full volume - the LCMD title track. I loved listening to this track when the bus would cruise through the elevated highway, a year and a half back. That time it was not much relevant, now it is. I moved on to Dil Hai ke Manta Nahin tracks - loved the movie as a kid. The typical chocolate romance, how can someone love you if he doesn't protect you? It was probably an Aamir Khan album, for next came up Pardesi. Pardesi is a real riveting song. I wrote in the deposit slip, walked almost 2 km, and simply sunk in the song. Haste aankhon ko aansun de jate hain...wada karke bhi na wapas aate hain...
It was then that I saw the dog again. I had seen it on Monday I guess. In the morning. I didn't feel then that it'd live 2 more days. He had a bandage on his tail. And you could see each bone of his body. Still, the family cares for him. Takes him out for walk, and brings him back. I wanted to cling to him and say, you'll live my dear, and so will I. Yesterday evening, as we were walking about, he said, he won't hesitate to kill a dog. Somehow I knew that already.
I am going to be 32. She told me, if possible I should preserve my egg. And get artificially inseminated after I get married. For the fertility rate is supposed to go down. I told her my apprehensions. Why should anyone marry me, after knowing this. I don't even deserve to be in a relationship. She said, you'd talk about these things before getting married.
Ya, he can kill a dog. I know that. All I can do in this life of mine, is to seek material pleasure. A meaningless promotion, some false appreciations, a great deal of bitching about so called idiots. What about the fact that I'm the greatest idiot on earth? Ya Aish got married at 34, now at 38 the world is waiting for her delivery it seems. But, she was blessed enough to get a husband. Even after all her follies. I loved Abhishek in LCMD. It takes a lot, to be a man like that. But I know I will not get those happiness. My life is like this dog. Who will die anyways, he's in such a bad shape. I can behave like a KJo and SRK fanatic for one day, "Hamesha apne mann ki suno" and all that crap - but next day, I again know my place. No God, and no amount of meditation can relieve my pain. When my cousin came back from a broken marriage, my uncle had told my dad, "She's lost her everything". She later went on to marry her childhood crush, at 32, and had a beautiful girl at 33. She didn't lose her everything. But I cannot have a miracle in life. Men in my life, understand only one word, "convenience". I have never been a convenient thing for them :)
I couldn't hold back for more than a day. I simply couldn't. I have been holding myself back from time immemorial. It was one small plea - "I want to be with him", and I had no way out than agreeing. I don't have a future. Nobody knows it better than me. Why waste today? He'd be angry, he might not let me in, worst case, though very unlikely, he might use foul words. But I had to reach out, all the same.
The apprehension was overwhelming. I have never done anything in life half as reckless. My big fat ego came before everything else. Well not any more. Yesterday, the downpouring rain told me that he's far more important, in fact, the most important person at the spur of the moment. You know why? Because he brings me happiness. Happiness in a way no one ever did.
I still maintain that I don't love him. I can't love a person who's not dependable. I know he'll go away anytime soon. If I start loving him, the emotional void will be intolerable. And anyways, he has none of the qualities I look for in my man. I openly tell him the truth. That I almost hate him. But he remains indispensable. He's my kid. That's about it.
To the extent that I kill my self respect for him. I feel no need for its existence in front of him. The 15 minutes wait in front of the lake, with the wet breeze cooling me down, was indeed awesome. I had all the chances to walk away. But I stood there rooted to the ground. I knew I couldn't waste the day. I had to be with him.
The evening in the ashram revealed a lot of things to me. Revealed that I have been serving undeserving, selfish people so long. They simply don't deserve me as a daughter/lover/friend. Even he is selfish, I know. But I can forgive him. He's my kid, doesn't understand the intricacies of life.
Today, I pretended as if I own the world. Was so happy and frolicking. But fact is, I'm not. I still live in that hole of a house, I walk for almost a hour just to deposit a check on the way. The bus was packed, in fact because of the rain, there was incredible amount of traffic jam. For once I thought of exercising my rights. I had to just call him up and ask him to drop me home. And then I realized, I don't have the right. I'm not his girlfriend. I had to deposit the check today itself, the money means a lot to me. I don't know on what I am going to spend my money. Now that I have abandoned all ideas of going home even, I have no one else in my world apart from me. Still slaving gives me pleasure. Slaving as in, being like the less fortunate people. Because who knows better than me, that I'm the least fortunate of them all. So I'm shoved and pushed in the bus, as I buy the ticket. Corporation Circle to Forum in an ordinary BMTC is 9 Rs. The driver come conductor took 11. I used my feeble Kannada - Forum 9 alva? He didn't bother to answer. I decided to forgive him, at least he didn't keep the money for himself. And anyways I'd be walking back the rest of the way. I don't deserve luxury.
It was one hell of a journey. The bus was barely moving. I turned on at full volume - the LCMD title track. I loved listening to this track when the bus would cruise through the elevated highway, a year and a half back. That time it was not much relevant, now it is. I moved on to Dil Hai ke Manta Nahin tracks - loved the movie as a kid. The typical chocolate romance, how can someone love you if he doesn't protect you? It was probably an Aamir Khan album, for next came up Pardesi. Pardesi is a real riveting song. I wrote in the deposit slip, walked almost 2 km, and simply sunk in the song. Haste aankhon ko aansun de jate hain...wada karke bhi na wapas aate hain...
It was then that I saw the dog again. I had seen it on Monday I guess. In the morning. I didn't feel then that it'd live 2 more days. He had a bandage on his tail. And you could see each bone of his body. Still, the family cares for him. Takes him out for walk, and brings him back. I wanted to cling to him and say, you'll live my dear, and so will I. Yesterday evening, as we were walking about, he said, he won't hesitate to kill a dog. Somehow I knew that already.
I am going to be 32. She told me, if possible I should preserve my egg. And get artificially inseminated after I get married. For the fertility rate is supposed to go down. I told her my apprehensions. Why should anyone marry me, after knowing this. I don't even deserve to be in a relationship. She said, you'd talk about these things before getting married.
Ya, he can kill a dog. I know that. All I can do in this life of mine, is to seek material pleasure. A meaningless promotion, some false appreciations, a great deal of bitching about so called idiots. What about the fact that I'm the greatest idiot on earth? Ya Aish got married at 34, now at 38 the world is waiting for her delivery it seems. But, she was blessed enough to get a husband. Even after all her follies. I loved Abhishek in LCMD. It takes a lot, to be a man like that. But I know I will not get those happiness. My life is like this dog. Who will die anyways, he's in such a bad shape. I can behave like a KJo and SRK fanatic for one day, "Hamesha apne mann ki suno" and all that crap - but next day, I again know my place. No God, and no amount of meditation can relieve my pain. When my cousin came back from a broken marriage, my uncle had told my dad, "She's lost her everything". She later went on to marry her childhood crush, at 32, and had a beautiful girl at 33. She didn't lose her everything. But I cannot have a miracle in life. Men in my life, understand only one word, "convenience". I have never been a convenient thing for them :)
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