Sedin dujone....

God, spare me this. Why do You do this to me everytime. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I don't want to love anymore God, let me live alone.

Would You ever understand the pain of loving and losing? Struggling at every step? Feeling lonely? Bracing Yourself and trying to keep Yourself steady? And being uprooted? Regularly? Since You are God, You don't need to do that.

I hate this uprooting. I don't want to go now. But when I think deeply, I think it is perhaps better to go. It is better not to get myself in any kind of illusion. Harry Potter won't come and save me everytime with his crude magic (yeah to tell the truth, the magic you did Harry, was indeed undesirable number 1 :D :D ).

Should I really think about marrying and settling down? Do away with the childish romance? Can I live life after that? But if I don't do that, what is the other way out? Ok then, let's give it a shot. I anyways don't have anything to lose.

Today I feel, as if each and every decision I have taken in life has been wrong. Has somehow backfired on me. I want to tell like Laila in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, "Mujhe apsos karna nahi aata" - but himmat hi kahan hai mujhmein? All I know is to crib, crib crib. Never did anything for myself. Never made my parents happy. Just lived this life...without being alive ever.

Today, it all seems like a dream. It really does. That day it seemed so real...so so real. How was I mistaken to this extent, why had I to do this foolishness. Why have I been such an idiot?

Dekho...apsos hi bus kar rahihun...nahi? Huh...I won't change. I can't change. I shall never intervene and finally say, God does everything for good. Good???!!!

When shall I start trusting myself and my instincts? When shall I do something for myself, to make me happy?

Iti Moni...

I remember his sermon - expectation rakkho hi mat....everything changed but this fact didn't change. That I shouldn't keep any expectation from anyone.

Well it's certainly not like 26th August, 2007. But - aamake taan maare ratri jaga nadi...

You can call it a flash back. We eating pizza, he giving me the piece with more pineapple. She likes pumpkin curry, she likes pineapple, subtle facts, which, frankly speaking, probably even my mom and dad don't know. We used to sit side by side or facing each other - during each and every meal. I somehow remember the protection. The shielding.

Can't help quoting the chat I had today with Deepti.

me: n I dint feel anything bt care
it was like he was trying to shield me...protect me
koi galat intention laga nahi
Deepti: hmm
jyada soch mat
me: haan phir maine sochna chhod diya
Deepti: use bol shadi karni hai tabhi ye sab kare
otherwise koi jaroorat nahi
me: ha ha ha dadima
usse shaadi nai karni mere se
Deepti: has mat
abse kathor ban balike
me: it was just an act of comforting
mujhe bhi waisa hi laga
no attraction
Deepti: tell him no need to comfort in that way then if he doesn't want to marry
u wl be comforted only with marriage
me: deepti
tu kitni practical ban gayi hai
Deepti: and tell him marriage doesn't mean only fun n sex to u
me: tu yeh movie dekh
phir baat karenge

The movie I spoke about was of course, Iti Mrinalini. And Koushik Sen's performance as Chintan Nair was absolutely stunning.


"Minnie, you know only one kind of love. At times you have to just let go, don't have any expectation. There is a love that sets you free..."

All night I dreamt. It holds me back...aamake taan maare...

They say I am caring. Who did I learn the care from? They said I am a good host - who taught me? I am trying to do without you, but how can I ever do without your reflection? Which seems to be there in every good person I meet?

Maa pakhi is a very frequently used concept in bengali literature. As on this day, he seems to be my maa pakhi. I know it's a bit of an overstatement, but, frankly speaking, it's only him, who makes me gently put my head on front seat in the bus, and reflect and realize, with a lot of warmth and gratitude, that I feel shielded.

Finally I have reached that stage in life when I do not care. Still, I liked that fact that he just supports. Doesn't indulge weakness. Yesterday night, I really felt elated. I can live alone now. Can I have a friend like Mrinalini did? Who says, 'ami aschi', in my worst moment? Can I ask for just this much, dear God?

A lot of fog...

Have you ever experienced happiness that doesn't quite touch you? I have. It is like admitting, well I am happy, but this is very very transient. It doesn't quite belong to me.

Wisdom dawned on me, sometime last week, when I was locking my door before heading for office. I got convinced about 3 things -
1. I should act my age, and know that miracles don't happen.
2. If a problem is at bay for the time being, doesn't atall means it's gone forever.
3. In today's life one has to be practical, not romantic n dreamy.

Since then happiness has taken leave. I am not myself, for what am I without my bubble of dreams? It's like, I am sitting back and observing a girl, trying to live life, without much (actually any) provision. The girl is a little crazy, and I am very very fond of her. I don't want her to choose this life, but I don't have another option too.

Aah, I have told him somany times in my mind, if you come late, somuch damage would have been done, that you won't be able to put things right. I guess it's too late now. The lifelessness is quite obvious. So is the helplessness. I never wanted to become like this. I never wanted to be pitied. As they say, self pity is a disastrous thing.

First time in my life, I was tired to try on the new dresses, I haven't yet looked back at the new shoe. I was hardly happy. Even watching Harry Potter was just another movie watching. The joy is somehow totally gone. How is it that being practical is so taxing for me, but not for you?

Lack of direction...

I don't know what is going to happen to me. I wanted to end it all this month only. Had almost made up my mind to resign. And now again, within 1 month, it is almost the same situation.

You know what, I shouldn't pre plan. Everything goes wrong when I pre plan. However I am happy that these days I at least speak out, what's there in my mind.

So in 1 week, I shall know if I shall go back home, or go onsite. Frankly speaking the former option would be more welcome for me, howevermuch you might call me an escapist.

I wanted to write something else as well. If only I knew anything about it for sure. All these days I have just felt in subtly. Very subtly. Nearly always, just before falling asleep. Or probably during my brisk walk to office (nearly always I am late and rushing at top speed). Or in the evening...when finally I get a seat in the bus. But it's still very hazy. And given the current situation, I don't even want to think further. Let the lack of direction continue...when does life answer my questions...

Scattered thoughts....

It's not that I am declaring it now, that I am obsessed with you. I have always been. You have always been the light of my life. You exist or you don't, kiddo...doesn't matter. You hold me together. I don't live for anything else. I live for you.

I am sorry to have lost you. And still I never really lost you. I discover you in every small bit of happiness...every tiny drop of rain. You smile with me, and play with me. May be someday you'll care to come back to me. We'll have fun then. But even if you don't, you still remain a part of me.

Baby, when I commit follies, it is from the ultimate ambition of getting you back. And then you comfort me, saying you are already there. When I shall breathe my last, would be the happiest moment for me. I can join you back.

May be I have almost lost my faith in God, but whenever it rains, I can feel Him. The rain binds me with the heavens. A thousand thing scares me, but still I get the courage from somewhere, to live on. I am scared, I breathe in gasps. I breathe all the same. And when morning comes, I get ready for a new day.

Don't know if things will change in the near future. Everything seems hollow to me. My existence as well as my attempts at humor. Never knew that sustenance itself can be this difficult. Still I don't feel like giving up. It's a bit mechanical, I agree, but I am pretty helpless. Emotions just don't agree with me. I am rather negatively impacted by them. A zombie existence is a much more time endured formula.

Sakal aamar galo michhe...bikel je jaye tari peechhe...

Kabe niye aamar banshi...
Bajabe go aapni ashi...
Anandomoy nirab raater nibid andhare?

I don't know...and I refuse to torture myself about this. I don't know why my dad seems to show me light whenever I'm lost. His immortal words (to me at least) in his resignation letter...Mistake, if any, is regretted.

Genuinely regretted, and I move on. Tumi jei hao, jadi aamay khanik-tao chine thako...tabe nishchoi jenechho ami srotoswini - theme thakte janina...

See...nothing is new to me, neither the pain, nor the concern, not even the intense dedication...that changes into realization of futility.

Aji jharo jharo mukhor badar dine...
Janine Janine...kichhute keno je mon lagena...

Like I said, you can take away my peace of mind for a while...that's about all you can do. Shei deb murti-r gaye anchor tuku-o kato emon tomaar khamota nei :)

Today I might be weak...I might think that nobody on earth is devoid of prejudices (even my favorite author Saradindu - he strongly felt soroshi na hole sundari hote nei) - so don't think I am conceited when I have a strong preference, or for that matter you have a predefined specification. What matters is not the relation, but the understanding...when that is lost, everything is lost.

I won't carry on with this madness. It's better if you'd second me...

And since I feel so strongly about it...let me reiterate...I regret none of it...not a bit.

Realization...that came too late...

All these days I was pining away to write...ever since Tuesday night...tried my best to get some kinda access to my blog...downloaded opera mini in the mobile...tried to log in through the virus affected laptop...but no use. Words were flowing in...I couldn't bear to type slowly or get disconnected...Finally gave up. Had started writing in an old notebook when I was in Praha. Then got addicted to the blog. I started writing there only.

Apparently total rubbish. Some poetry, after a long time. Imagine. In that terrible condition of mind as well, Pupu Ray all in tears, after writing the first 8 lines...looks at the wall and thinks...aah this is turning out to be a nice material for a sonnet. Another 6 lines to go :)

This is what I like about her. Or rather I hate. She's always like this. Never loses her practical sense in the worst of times. Yesterday night for example. After crying for two and a half hours, and loathing life, she was pretty much set on committing suicide. Then she cocks her head and thinks, aah, the citibank account. It doesn't have a nominee. Mom dad will have trouble getting the money.

Amidst these lesser thoughts, I have been thinking of a way out. Every time till date, what I have maintained primarily is my ego. But God dammit, the ego will not suffice to live my life. When I look back into the years, I find, it was much much easier to tell this earlier. To Andy, I tried telling, but then...he had kind of given up on me. To you, I forced myself not to say a word. But isn't it the reason you had come over? Just to hear if I'd speak out?

I have made up my mind. I will go back. Do my work as best as I can. If even after that I become laughing stock, I will accept that. Since I do not have courage enough to give up my job, let situation only drive my decision. I know I will never lose my mental stability. And till the time I have it, I cannot probably fail at any task assigned.

Why am I saying it came too late. Fact is, I am still not sure. I never will be. This is one thing I have never taken seriously. My own life. So like April 2008, like November 2009, I will cry for a while, and then get used to it. Only, since it's been a while now, I wonder whether I had cried somuch then?