Realization...that came too late...

All these days I was pining away to write...ever since Tuesday night...tried my best to get some kinda access to my blog...downloaded opera mini in the mobile...tried to log in through the virus affected laptop...but no use. Words were flowing in...I couldn't bear to type slowly or get disconnected...Finally gave up. Had started writing in an old notebook when I was in Praha. Then got addicted to the blog. I started writing there only.

Apparently total rubbish. Some poetry, after a long time. Imagine. In that terrible condition of mind as well, Pupu Ray all in tears, after writing the first 8 lines...looks at the wall and thinks...aah this is turning out to be a nice material for a sonnet. Another 6 lines to go :)

This is what I like about her. Or rather I hate. She's always like this. Never loses her practical sense in the worst of times. Yesterday night for example. After crying for two and a half hours, and loathing life, she was pretty much set on committing suicide. Then she cocks her head and thinks, aah, the citibank account. It doesn't have a nominee. Mom dad will have trouble getting the money.

Amidst these lesser thoughts, I have been thinking of a way out. Every time till date, what I have maintained primarily is my ego. But God dammit, the ego will not suffice to live my life. When I look back into the years, I find, it was much much easier to tell this earlier. To Andy, I tried telling, but then...he had kind of given up on me. To you, I forced myself not to say a word. But isn't it the reason you had come over? Just to hear if I'd speak out?

I have made up my mind. I will go back. Do my work as best as I can. If even after that I become laughing stock, I will accept that. Since I do not have courage enough to give up my job, let situation only drive my decision. I know I will never lose my mental stability. And till the time I have it, I cannot probably fail at any task assigned.

Why am I saying it came too late. Fact is, I am still not sure. I never will be. This is one thing I have never taken seriously. My own life. So like April 2008, like November 2009, I will cry for a while, and then get used to it. Only, since it's been a while now, I wonder whether I had cried somuch then?