Useless...

When he doesn't write back to me I often murmur under my breath and say, "you're useless :("...

Yes I find it extremely sexy. And I'm finally writing the word. I find it sexy to tell him true things about me and him. Way he does too. Like he's been telling me that he stalks people including me and given a chance he'd follow me everywhere. So I told him too. That I stalked him once and now I'm trying to grow out of the habit (you don't need to stalk your only pen friend, do you?)...A while back if I grew impatient I'd check his last online time on WA. But now I have stopped doing that. I don't need to keep a tab on him. সবার শেষে যা বাকি রয় তাহাই লব...

And then I get a bit worried. Is it really possible? Does love really happen or I'm just making things difficult and uncomfortable for him?

I guess it's the latter. Because this impossible love cannot really be reciprocal in nature. In fact I had almost rejected it if truth be told. And then, although he's different from the general mold of men, he is a man after all. So it is not difficult to understand him. And I get it that it's the same bossie syndrome, love you a lot but don't love in that way. And I always feel like offlining my blog. I feel like even telling him, thank God that you don't follow me on my blog. On the other hand, the other day when he told me that he had cried watching Chak De, it was difficult to resist myself from sending him my review of Chak De. It'd be suicidal you see. Given a choice I'd never let him know just how much he means to me...

One more thing. I hate going to office. I hate talking to people. Given a chance I'd stay curled up on my bed all day and just write to him and read up things. I hate my responsibilities and interactions with the society in general. I don't know if he has cured my depression or only just aggravated it. I am not happy with the dreams I see these days. They are on how people are causing me distress or showing me down. My students who apparently think that I was not supposed to set the question I did, my friends and colleagues who are just trying to take advantage. I'd better stay aloof and not try to prove myself to anyone. And I don't want to cling on to him either. I don't want to be anyone's liability. I don't want to be parasitic - though he calls it symbiotic. But that's just his goodness. I am not of any use to anybody...