I will write very queer things today. I am sure. Because I am happy. I have indulged myself with a lot of music, music that I have always loved, and which had, in a very natural course of time, in the past couple of years, got completely erased from my life. You know why? Because the romance itself had vanished from my mind. You know, that trust in love, it got so tampered with...because of the...what do I call them? Monsters?
So, do I have the romance back? I don't know that...
I don't know what's been happening in the past few months. Life's been a whirlwind. A destructive whirlwind that sucks away the life force itself. And in between this, this gentleman...comes from somewhere. In normal circumstances, I would have called myself mad. Open minded or whatever, I am a bit traditional, you see. But, here was my chance of a bubble, that would let me live a little bit longer. It's so unlike me you know. To have such a closed, well-guarded love story. I kind of take pride in telling the world...but who would I tell about this madness? So not a soul knew his identity.
Not that the troubles ended...or the tragedies subsided...and finally, I find myself at my lowest ebb. So who do I decide to talk to? The very person, about whom I have been hiding information from everyone. I never even realized properly the bond that has grown between us meanwhile. I still don't realize it properly. I formalize our communications. I impose silence on myself, that's enough, don't reply back...
And yet he makes me cry. It's really difficult to make me cry these days. The first splash of water on my body, and the first droplets of tear...thanks to just a little bit of imagination, that acts as a filler. Miracles and Magic don't happen without Imagination, you see.
I wanted to write about that too...the dream self of him that I have created in my mind, I really don't find any inhibition with him. You know, the closest thing to a husband I have ever felt someone be. Friend, guide, lover...I repeat, it's not his real self. The dream self, which the FB games say has a soul some 150 years old and blah blah...
So which songs did I listen too...oh, mostly Madan Mohan and Lata ji songs. The morning started with "Jaanam dekhlo mit gayi dooriyan", I had switched off my internet no...I woke up and wanted to hear nothing but this song...
And this evening I had to do office work. I had a deadline. And I am an honest worker, remember? What a way to spend Diwali. But then, it cannot really be a burst crackers and enjoy type of Diwali, right. So on went the exam evaluation, and in parallel, the Madan Mohan tracks. "Jo humne daastaan apni sunayi, aap kyon roye?", "Woh chup rahein to mere dil ke daag jalte hain", "Mai ri, main kase kahun", "Baiyan na dharo, o baalma", "More naina bahaye neer"...
In between were two deviations, but all the same two very favorite songs of mine, "Hum tere pyar sara alam kho baitthe" and "Aaji rooth kar kahan jaiyega"...not to mention our mutual favorite songs, "Koi fariyaad" and "Tu jahaan main wahaan"...
No, I didn't listen to "Kaun tujhe yun pyar karega" aur the KANK songs...yes, "Bulleya", just once...
And finish up with the Veer Zaara songs again, "Do pal" and "Tere liye". Probably, "Mai ri", one more time. I really love that song.
You know, that's the reason I didn't write back to him. Had I started to write, I wouldn't stop. I would tell him about everything, my fondness for these songs, my all other stupid anecdotes, as if I am talking to a friend, a long lost friend. God knows how he'd react. I'd have told him, you know, this song is my favorite - I sing it to myself when I feel really hopeless, you know, when I was a kid, I used to select the least popular yet most lyrically meaningful song from the album and make it my favorite...perhaps I'd also tell him, how I had stood up within the confines of the mosquito net, 2:30 at night, during the last scene of 1942 A Love Story, as the national anthem played. But we can't be that much of a friend na?
No comments:
Post a Comment