Expression...

শোকাতুর মন,
যেখানে যখন
আশ্রয় পায় -
নিশানা বানায়,
প্রেমের ক্ষুধার।
লজ্জা দ্বিধার -
এই কি সময়?
বোঝেনা হৃদয়...

Switched off the Internet finally. It was becoming too much of an allure. I understand that I am in a state of mental agony and instability, and I need support, but why seek it in such a twisted way? Instead, I came to a truce with myself. We are friends enough. Let me write him a small mail and pull off the weight on my mind. No, I have grown up now. I won't open up like I had to that school friend of mine. I often think of him these days - he was closer to the brink than I was, when I met him. He chose to remain that way (or maybe that's not so, he's done something fruitful with his life, but I wouldn't know, I didn't follow up...anyways the latter seems quite unlikely). And I chose to fight it, and try and show that I have won. But these days I seriously wonder how long my fight would last?

Forget it. Let me continue with the story. Or perhaps let me give a background. There's been another death in the family. One of my uncles, with whom I was quite close. Uncle and aunty had even come and stayed with us in our Bangalore flat. He passed away suddenly - sigh, Agatha Christie would have probably called it Death Before Diwali...(don't mind my slips, I am feeling extremely clueless right now about this life and death cycle...) I saw him last, fit and fine, on 18th September, the day of my grandma's last rites. And now he's simply vanished into the thin air and blue skies. Each and every person who had genuinely cared for me and had some appreciation for my existence is gradually fading away in the folds of this all encompassing thing called death. Doesn't my existence become meaningless too?

So this was the background. And for obvious reasons, although I am no more a child, I don't have that much of an ego and neither am I prejudiced in any way, and I am not unreasonable either, yet, I couldn't "offer" my love. I just did the simple thing I could do. I like talking to him, I talked to him. Because if he's really like me, way I feel, then he'd understand even with the few little words I say. So, having done that, I switched off the Internet. Let me spend a quiet, lonely Diwali. And get prepared for the quiet, lonely life ahead.