Irony...

At times I get so angry that I have to take a deep breath and tell myself, ok, write...write whatever is on your mind. The funny thing is that on such occasions, if I manage to write about whatever is troubling me, then things are actually better. Because there are situations when too many things bother me, starting from trivial to major ones and I am just too pissed off to write about any of these. It's not worth it revisiting the wounds. And definitely not of any value reliving the disgust. Disgust particularly when I find people talking like idiots, being stupidly opinionated or disrespecting work. But there must be something that I can do at this point in time to calm myself down... 

It's then that I tell myself to turn off internet. Read a book, get engrossed in it totally, without any further disturbances from external elements. When even that won't help and I find there's no sufficient concentration to read with enough comprehension...(read that I am boiling with anger and can't concentrate), I simply ask myself to close my eyes and dream about an utopian situation. Today's the first time I felt like writing it down. As it is, internet is off. I might not be publishing this ever, or maybe I will. Doesn't matter. I just wanted to tell this aloud, somewhere...

Yes, I dream of him making crazy, passionate, impatient love to me. This virtual lover of mine who has a real self as well, that doesn't match up with my expectations all the time, but manages to surprise me intermittently. That surprise is sweet at times, even gives me goosebumps but very rarely, and often tastes quite bitter even...but all the same, the eternal bengali girl's mind - খেলাঘর বাঁধতে লেগেছি আমার মনের ভিতরে...

I love dreaming about the way he loves me, mumbling in my ears that he finds me beautiful, and talented, he's all in awe of me and he can't love me enough...and while I live that dream my eyes moisten up, I rediscover reasons to live, get back some self worth. How can I let go of this one link with this person that proves to me that I know him, he knows me, that this dream, however much over the top, does have some basis? I need the reassurance that I won't be alone in the world even when I live alone and is totally transformed into a bitter, cribbing and thoroughly despising human being. That somebody still finds me like worthy and pretty. 

You know, I was really happy to find out the upsurge in my blog hits, and then, equally upset to discover the real source of all this traffic, a most objectionable site. And the irony of it all rather amused me. A chaste girl, almost a virgin, who writes down here about her sorrows in life, her fears that she'd be forced to deal with this loneliness and celibacy for the rest of her life, suddenly finds a load of lusting people being directed to her blog. Yes folks, I too have a normal life hidden somewhere in layers of virtuality. But boy, I wish you were really there to cling on to, on nights as helpless as this one...we'd be wild, get lost in each other and forget about the stress and selfishness of the rest of the world... 

Just two things ok? (because I am finally posting this after 2 days deliberation)... And, because I can't stop talking, let's make it three... 

1. Who will love you as much as I do? 

2. Keep smiling, please, come what may, because I simply love your smile...

3. You know what? I was selecting photos for display as featured photos in FB. And it suddenly showed me your profile pic. My heart as usual skipped a beat. Is it your way of showing your love for me? By setting a photo from my timeline as your profile pic? (you know...I am like that, dreaming at the very minimum chance)...But then I remembered that it was not I who had shared it on FB. I am just tagged in it...an one off case. And then I thought, what if I actually set it among my featured photos? What a novel idea of making myself a laughing stock, no?