On the verge of depression...

After a long time I am showing signs of breaking down... I feel like crying, often nowadays, only the tears won't come out...

I don't get any motivation to live on. I can't go on pretending. Badam went missing last Tuesday. I was half hoping that she might come back, half in my mind I knew that she wouldn't. Despite being very athletic (she spent half her time climbing up and walking on the boundary walls) she can't fend for herself or find food. She's always been a very soft hearted person and the Diwali din was too much for her. I guess she felt sick, knew she was going to die and just ran away to spare us the agony, way most dogs would. It is heartbreaking to see Nikhu alone all the time... It is as if I see my future life - makes me feel even more dreadful.

The sociopolitical situation is so grim in this state, and in the country as a whole that I feel like throwing up almost. Why wouldn't we think twice before voting such monsters to power? It is easy to say that I am apolitical or disinterested in politics...the difficult thing is to bring about a change. Why, people can't even talk freely if something happens to bother them or invoke fear in them. No, you must go on chanting that India is the most ideal place to live in. Clap, clap and clap...

I dream of strange things these days - of old lovers calling me up and talking in a broken voice, or me reading their old mails (in case you are curious, I never ever read old mails...had saved them once upon a time thinking I would...but I never do) and thinking of happier days when we'd laugh together (yes, I do remember old days of friendship, appreciation and love)... I even saw in one strange dream that a memorial has been created, probably for Badam, a white cubic structure, where neighbors have left flowers and teddy bears. The other night I dreamed that Badam has suddenly emerged from behind the utensils in the kitchen, she'd been hiding there in fear of the crackers all this while (imagine, what a place to hide from crackers...where a fire is burning almost all the time) - she's thinned down way she used to be when she was a tiny puppy, probably from lack of food, but she's alive alright... Huh, what's in a dream? I feel more choked seeing such dreams, I go on reading like a zombie, go to office like routine work and never quite feel alive.

Badam and Nikhu were like my children. At night I'd see them asleep and silently pray for them. Why are my prayers never fruitful? I just wanted them to live...

It's now over a week - I have kinda accepted that I'd never see her again. Badam sweetheart, I never took a photo when you were resting on the balcony wall, never captured the moment when you'd stand up on your hind legs and hunt a mosquito with your front paws, how do I tell the world of the quaint things you used to do? Forgive your didi that she couldn't give you more time...care for you a little more, and remember to stay very happy wherever you are...