The roads that I walked away from...

It is terribly terribly hot. The heat is all set to take away your life force. Already I have become lazy since I came back, I prefer spending my evenings doing nothing substantial, just whiling away time with my family. And over that the summer is so overbearing that I seldom enter my room in the 1st floor before 12 am (by which time it cools down a bit from the direct sunlight it keeps receiving all day), and then in the cool breeze of the AC I promptly fall asleep. As a result I have lost touch with almost everything, my story books, my other hobbies like painting or playing the keyboard, the little bit of J2EE I had started to learn...of course two other major culprits are my slow internet connection (the terrible tata photon connection which I am going to get rid of in another 3-4 days) and then there is my addiction to the mobile - it presents my gmail, my TOI...and the games keep me glued. Altogether I am doing nothing worthwhile except my working hours. During the working hours however I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but then way I'd meet up with my bro and go and have a nice dinner at Forum and probably check out a movie or two in the evening show, is gone. South City mall is pretty near the university, but in the opposite direction to my home. And even if it were on the way (Metropolis mall is a stone's throw away from my home), I'd not have ventured out alone. I miss my bro all the time. My grumpy plump bro who'd be a great companion anyways - would follow me like a pet. What fun is there in watching a movie alone, or eating a dinner alone - I don't even like to go to the bookshop alone, I'd remember way we'd part ways and go about checking our own favorites as soon as we'd reach Crossword, but at length we'd exchange notes and decide upon which all to buy after consulting each other. I tell myself, that was another kind of life, this is something else, still...

Fact is, I am unhappy. I had planned to see Highway, then Two States and also অপুর পাঁচালি। This six days a week work schedule coupled with the heat is taking a toll on all my plans. And Highway is long gone from the theater.

You know what, a curious thing is happening from quite some time now. Almost everyday, as I'd wake up, there'd be only one tune that'd be going on in my mind. The same tune would come back time and again, and haunt me. It is the song "Chhor aaye hum" from the film "Maachis". I'd remember every single word of the song though I haven't probably heard the song for ages. In fact I don't remember liking the song particularly when the movie had come, I liked "Pani pani re" much better. Only, at that time I was a music maniac, and I'd tune in to almost every music program on the radio and the TV. So perhaps overexposure to the song made me learn by heart its lyrics. But way it reverberates in my mind as I am waking up, I feel as if every word is vibrating with life, as if I have lived with the song all my life. I can actually feel the pain the song tried to portray in the film. I live the good times in the past and the current torturous time described in the song. I am one with the urge to give up, with which the song ends, and the desperation when even that urge is unsuccessful...

Ek chhota sa lamha hai jo khatm nahi hota...
Main lakh jalatahun...yeh bhasm nahi hota...

Though I am a nobody to translate Gulzar's work, I can just try to explain what that means -

A small moment that doesn't end...
I try to burn it a million times - it just won't get destroyed...

I laugh and cry with every emotion of the song. I can go on to translate the entire song for those who doesn't understand Hindi, it is poetry at its pinnacle. But not today. Today I will tell you how I wake up with the song, and then realize, God, I am late again, and get on with my regular routine...but somewhere the song keeps coming with me everywhere...

I become the footsteps which spark off sunshine on the courtyard, I become the chirpy laughter than ripens the crop, and then as the song progresses, I become the frozen stone that one's heart turns into due to circumstances, I become the life that is an endless pit, a closed road. I don't know the old life that I miss - why, the truth remains that I was never happy in the past, I am supposed to be happier than ever right now, in my self imposed solitude, the way I am. My so called well thought out decision - which was supposed to salvage me from the gradual decadence I was facing. Then what is it that I miss, that I long for? I don't know...I just thought of writing about this strange feeling. The song feels like an arrow that goes straight through my heart as it awakens me every morning...

I can only leave you with the song...thank you Gulzar-ji, for putting into words this inexplicable pain which I can't do away with despite all prudent reasonings...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7JRWs9dvVo

Miles to go...before I sleep... :)

Tears always came easily to me, these days all the more. An old friend from college pinged me in Whatsapp, and called afterwards. It felt wonderful. As if the way I had challenged myself, you don't have friends and you have to live this way only, was proved wrong by this single action, and I was overjoyed. It is not, after all, a world where nobody cares. You know, I was a very avid student of statistics once in my +2 - so I still remember this term "rare event". So rare events are not, by definition, non existent events you see :)

So my friend had asked me to share my CV with him. As I was sending him the mail, I couldn't help mentioning that his call has made me happy and changed my firm belief that I am an apparently friendless person. As I was sending that mail, I found myself crying. So much of life awaits me there and the whole of it eludes me. But then I am happy in my cocoon. I am happy with the small joys of planning, coding and showing my superiority in a subtle way to my juniors in the university. In fact I myself get surprised when I realize, why, my understanding of technology is not that bad, I can pick up things faster that the others and understand better than people who have been working much longer on the technology. And then, after a long time, I am mostly with people who are elder to me. So I am pampered a little. I like that. I like my small collection of shoes I have got after I came to Kolkata. I make it a point that I wear them all by turn (do you own some shoe shop - my seniors would mockingly ask)...I never miss the small bit of make up, and a matching watch and matching ear rings, the clothes are repetitive, but I don't feel bad about that - instead I rather appreciate the way I am carrying the clothes.

My crusade again customer torture by Indian service providers continue. Finally today I raised a request for my Tata photon number cancellation. Had had enough from them. Absolute cheaters they are. When they said they need time to solve the speed issue, I had changed my plan to some lower usage, so that I am not taxed that much by a non functional service. And here they are, charging me on my previous plan, with a bill amount double the cap on the new plan I had chosen. Well, if I am not left with a choice I will pay that amount itself, but I decided on not being tolerant on them anymore.

Over that I have now found an issue with ICICI bank, with which I have remained satisfied so far in all these 9 years of opening my first salary account with them. Some simple calculation showed me that they pay interest amount on FDs lesser than what they promise, around 0.8% lesser on an average (I checked one of my accounts and 2 of my brother's accounts). For the first time I need to think of removing my money with a nationalized bank.

How much of my time is wasted on money these days...when I had money I never worried, I just counted the lose cash so that I won't lose or misplace that. But the good thing that came out of this habit was to write down the daily expenses, and now I have enough statistics to build a sound financial plan for myself. I know my spending pattern too well.

Summer is terrible this time. Would you believe, today Google showed me at 5 PM: Kolkata, temperature 40 degrees, humidity 29% and wind speed...guess? 0 km/hr!!! Thank God I bought the AC in time - else would have been boiled alive I guess. Even now, as I'd go out of my room, it would feel as if my skin just got burnt. And how I'd long for Prague...

There's always been some kind of antenna in me which comes to play on Friday nights or Saturday nights. I am tired, still I want to enjoy in my own simple ways, reading, writing or watching movies. The entire country is witnessing all funny antics in the name of election, and I am excited about casting my vote after a long long time.

I guess that's all for today, my policy says, the consistency and length of your yawns should decide whether you are ready for sleep - I definitely am!

Anguished, and wondering...

Today, I read in the newspaper that the Amul girl is in trouble. She commented something on the “Besahara Parivar” which didn’t go well with the Sahara group. May be with nothing better to do, I am keenly following politics these days. Anyways election is on the forefront in the news these days, much more than even IPL. So with politics, as a side dish you may say, I have started following the scams too, especially after the last two episodes of this season of Satyamev Jayate. Or may be, since I am in Kolkata, I am turning poltical – there is something in the soil and air of this city which won’t let you be disinterested in politics, films, cultural events – everything an intellectual race is supposed to delve into. But then, whereas the other things add to the quality of your life, politics is something that leaves a strong, pungent and bitter aftertaste. To me, primarily, it proves all the more that either there is no God, or He is blind to evil and terribly partial with wrongdoers. The worst thing is that there is nobody you can trust. Incumbents and opponents all alike, all they indulge in is selfish malpractice. I read about this Sardha group’s Sudipta Sen’s son, the way he used to throw away money for his daily recreation and entertainment (in the estimation of the newspaper, it was close to 1 lakh INR per day). If in such a poor country you don’t feel guilty doing that, then whatever else you are, you are obviously not humane. And what do you gain at length? Some 80 odd years of a lavish life? Is that all you sell your soul for? I really feel at times that it is a good thing that I don’t have a lot of money. Greed is something that kills your conscience first of all. And once you can’t tell good from bad, you are a puppet in devil’s hand.

Like Boo. I am sure he has lost the last vestiges of his conscience. I happened to login to Linkedin after a long time and saw a photo of his, where he lacks the natural smile that’d light up his face. Moreover, rarely that I login to FB, because once upon a time we had a substantial amount of interaction there, FB would still show his entries on my news feed. So there I saw a feeble comment from him, asking Yuvraj Singh to get out on the day of the 20 20 world cup final. Well, I am afraid, anybody who understands the sports called cricket, would never criticise Yuvi for the fiasco on that day. Why, he is a survivor in every sense of the term. Even when my mom would criticise him, I’d patiently explain to her, what it takes to survive the challenges Yuvi has done. Only a weakling would give up on such a strong person. People who threw stones at his house are not people who love the game of cricket, they are fanatics about the emotion called cricket that is being marketed as the only saving grace for India, as if, we Indians can’t show our mettle in anything else. Well, there is nothing wrong in being a little bit upset for what happened, to quote yet another Amul ad that I saw while commuting, the Amul girl asks, “where is the Yu Vi knew”…such puns are ok, but asking someone to get out, as if he was purposely blocking the score card, looked nothing short of heinous crime to me. I, as a keen follower of the game of cricket, in fact quite liked the poetic justice in Sri Lanka’s win, they wanted to venerate their senior players on the verge of retirement with this trophy, in such cases, another kind of josh factor works, which can be quite divine in nature. However Boo and his ways doesn’t exasperate me anymore, when Yuvi hit the 50 in the last IPL match, I really wanted to post praises on him on FB, but then I checked myself. I thought, writing this article in my blog would be a more fitting tribute, both to my belief in his strength, talent and perseverance, and in my expression of utter hatred for the man I once loved. I really really regret the fact that I wasted my time on such a non entity.

May be I have such hateful thoughts only during the times of personal crisis. Because, trust me, I have learnt to be indifferent most of the times. It is one thing to combat the hurdles that come your way in life’s battles, and to accept the defeats as your misfortune. It is another thing when you don’t have a clue about how to fight. Way it is now. Once again, after a gap of 2-3 months, my periods are late. Every time my periods don’t come on time, it is a strange feeling. May be this is the end of it all. For a girl like me who hardly has any chance of getting married, menopause shouldn’t sound scary. But still it does cause some panic, may be because there would be no option left, to dream about a regular life. I tell myself that I am being paranoid. It is the quirky heat of Kolkata that is doing this to you. And last time it was your sudden change in routine, from office everyday to rest forever. For nobody has it this early, c’mon girl, you are just 34. But then it is not the fear factor that troubles me, it is the fact that somewhere in the core of my heart, I still seek happiness, in a form that might never be available to me. Why can’t I remain aloof, why can’t I give up? I have no answer to my questions.

Apart from this, life is a mixed journey as usual. The heat is overbearing but the simple lunch we had on Bengali new year’s day was awesome (it is a tradition in fact, we used to be landlords once upon a time, i.e. my granddad – dad’s dad was a so called “জমিদার ” in erstwhile East Bengal – so on new year’s day it was customary to sit with the village folks and have their lunch – boiled rice soaked in water, what is known as পান্তাভাত , spiced up with salt, chilli and lime, with fried fish, vegetables and fried balls of lentil and coconut as a side dish - mind you those days fish used to come real cheap in Bengal).  Then again, today I had this huge fight with dad, it is his way to taunt me at times, and he calls it humor. He particularly likes to point out about my lack of tact in telling things to people. See, when I am a transparent person, I don’t need to hide anything from anyone, this is what he fails to understand. So, today I ventured to give him a piece of my mind, which hurt him a lot. I wonder if I am good girl? Is compromise so necessary to be called good? At times I really feel I’d be happy if life would wrap up – I have had enough of it. In this world where nobody keeps up to their commitment, everyone is in a routine “let me please you and you make sure you serve my needs” or "why should I do your bidding, you are not strong enough to harm me" or better still “you better please me or else forget about your well being” mode, there is no respite for an upright soul like me. I feel stifled.

There was an interview day before yesterday, regarding employment in a middle east country. It went quite well too. I am wondering whether I should go for it if I am selected. I just want to live alone for a while…and sort out things.

A cool life and a needle prick...

It is such a wonderful feeling to have your own AC. Well, frankly, during the days when I was a student, Kolkata was not this hot, and even if it was, AC was not that popular, except for the high income zone. These days I hear of centrally air conditioned schools and colleges, well, in my time it was not so, and mind you, I have always been to private institutions. But ya, once I went for training with my first MNC, things changed. I can’t still forget the luxury of that single room I had for all 4 months of training. By some twist of luck I never got a roommate, and I loved it that way. I still remember being like this village idiot, sitting on the floor and looking around in awe – the first day I checked in that room. So, goes without saying that was the first time I lived in an air conditioned room. Then, on and off, during almost all my onsite tours, I got to taste similar luxury. But never in my own room. Like I have always said, the gap in the standard of my living based on whether I am onsite and offshore always pained me. God knows why, Indians get habituated with that lapse very easily. Oh, that was onsite, we had money then, and anyways the office was paying for accommodation. Once offshore, they get back to the savings track. And then moreover, Bangalore is an air conditioned city, more or less. Nobody buys an AC there for home use.

Well, can’t say that for Kolkata. The heat here is getting worse by the day. But then, I didn’t have a job. I was not sure whether to stay here or return to Bangalore. I was in one thousand and one dilemmas. But then, as of now, today, I am happy. The AC has been installed, and going out of station doesn’t even come in my mind. I was not very happy with the installation though. They did a pretty casual kinda job and didn’t even bother cleaning up after they were done. Even the drilled hole for pipe outlet was not plastered. But then I had made up my mind, whatever be the amount of dust, I shall sleep in my room itself. Well, dad and mom cleaned off the dust while hollering at me to stay away (that old allergy and asthma problem) – but then, once I entered the room, shut the doors and windows and put on the AC, it was pure bliss. Who cares that I can’t spend the summer in Europe anymore. I have my mini Europe in my room now.

I was being a kid and nagging with dad. Dad, am I a good girl? Just to get rid of me, he’d say, yes, a very good girl. And I’d proudly tell him, dad, I’ve been a good girl and I have earned this AC for myself. Yes, I am that happy.

Did a huge lot of sale shopping this Saturday, and got two wonderful shoes for myself. Had a great dinner with mom afterwards, in a restaurant nearby (crispy chicken, my favorite). The people there might be still having stitches in their stomach, from watching us arrange our shopping in between courses. I tell you, it is fun behaving as village idiots once in a while. 

There was one small thing that caused a minor glitch. The colleague in my previous organization, whom I once called friend, has a blog, which in fact, I had created for her. Told her that she can unburden herself in the blog whenever things go beyond control, way I do. Well, I don’t know what made me look at her blog after I had posted the last entry. Perhaps the new found happiness urged me to ensure that she’s ok too – because there’s no other way to know her whereabouts, we are no more on speaking terms. Well, it was like a tiny prick of needle when I read that she has called me a hypocrite (whose priority is to maintain friendship with her husband, and so I call him a good person) and she cited the time she sat beside me as I cried for Boo, and wondered how I would have felt had she called Boo a good person then. And of course she accused me of not remembering how good a friend she had been to me.

1.     Read the definition of hypocrite anywhere, and come back to me if you still don’t understand.

2.     I never blamed Boo when I cried for him, I always maintained that he is a good person. Now that I don’t cry for him anymore, I have become indifferent. Doesn’t matter to me whether he’s good or bad. I know he’s been bad to me, but he’s been excellent to his parents and wife. It is all relative.

3.     Ask me how much it costs to stay alive, and how much more to stay happy. If I didn’t value her friendship, I wouldn’t have left Bangalore without a job, in a heartbroken condition. She pushed me to the wall, and yet I accepted the blow and didn’t retaliate, only because I was grateful for the support she provided during my bad days. I don’t complain. It was impossible to coexist in the same organization with her, given her autocratic ways, and then, I am extremely happy now with the outcome of my decision. It was worth the struggle.

No, I don’t need to answer her. She’s a blind, stubborn person who shall remain unhappy all her life if she doesn’t change her ways. But then who am I to point out things. We are not friends anymore. These answers were for me, a medicine to be applied on that tiny needle wound. Though tiny, it hurt like hell.

At times I do feel like writing a romantic story. May be, that’d be my ode to the full moon lady…that’d be on the probable love that could have happened between the lonely people on earth who live like an island. I will think about it.

A perfect day...

After eons I am having that perfect night when I don’t really feel there is any glitch in my life at the present moment. May be something would come up in the near future, that fear factor is always there, but right now, once again, I am blissfully happy.

Mostly because I had a perfect day today.  Woke up with the aftertaste of a beautiful dream.  Wanted to write about it right then, but I was in a time crunch. Had to reach the university at 10 as I had a deadline, and the university has a half day today, mostly things gets closed by 2 PM, maximum you can stretch till 4. So somehow I got ready in time and hurried there (but then, before that I had this excellent breakfast of what may be described as an over-boiled version of govind bhog rice with boiled slices of potatoes and a little ghee – my favorite breakfast, yet I was having it perhaps after 6 or 7 years, this is what staying away from home does to you – I do remember trying to cook my own version of it when I was really really disturbed about my relationship with Boo in January 2012 and didn’t feel like eating anything else, but then it was nowhere near mom’s cooking). Well, work and all done in proper time, I hurried back home, had some cool slices of watermelon (fruits? I never had fruits in Bangalore, primarily because I didn’t have a fridge, but then in my life, fruits have always been something which dad forces and coaxes me to eat, and then I eat, so in Bangalore I mostly had fruit juices, but never fruits). Mom was exhausted and had retired for her day time nap, so I prepared Maggi for me and dad and added a little dollop of butter at the end which made it all the more tastier. After that, I tuned in to Youtube on my mobile and listened to my favorite songs for a while (what a wonderful song “Ni Sultana Re” is, and how funnily it is picturized).  Afterwards, it was time for the afternoon doze of yet another fruit (guava this time). Then I prepared cold coffee for all three of us (1 large tumbler which I had used to prepare the shake and therefrom all three of us took turns to sip up, we just didn’t bother to serve it separately). Then, I was trying to play candy crush (reached level 88) and don’t know when I got bored and slept off. When I woke up, I was hungry. It was time to prepare buttered sweet corn with pepper and chaat masala, which is already a hot favorite with everyone in the house. Boondi Raita and this one – both has been an instant hit, so I am trying to think up other salads which they might like. Afterwards, dinner, some musical program on TV, more candy crush, then I remembered, gosh, I need to write about my dream.

But before that there are more stories to be told. Yes, Wednesday was terrible. But then life changes. Trust me, it does. For those who are so depressed that you don’t want to live, my suggestion would be to just give it one more try. You really don’t know in what all ways life can change in a moment. Yes, of course you need to minimize your expectations. You will never get everything on a platter. But you get something that will allow you to live a little while more. 

I have been maintaining a low profile in the university. But then, this professor who came to teach in my year, remembers me well. I had told her that I will come and talk to her sometime – but just didn’t feel like bringing up my tales of misfortune before everybody. Thursday, when I was in the lab, she herself came in. Started telling other people how I had walked out of the exam hall when the test was on her paper, and when she urged me to take the exam and she will ensure that I pass, I had remarked, who wants to pass with 50% marks, and then how I had got the highest in that paper during my supplementary exam and had scored overall highest in that semester as well. Now, these stories are like – if I boast and write it here, you might feel I am just making up stories. But people in the university know me, my talents, my uncompromising nature (by the way it was a paper on programming where theory questions were asked, I hadn’t bothered to mug up the theory and it was not told that they’d be made compulsory in the paper – so I thought I’d rather prepare well and take a supple, than getting lower marks, and I left - by the way I still remember my best friend scolding me up on hearing about this feat of mine, he just didn't know what to do with me...). You know, when ma’am brought up that old story, it felt like such a motherly touch. She was motherly in so many ways – inquired why I haven’t married yet, and readily promised to take me in one of her upcoming projects. Now, I don’t know when that will begin, but still, like I said, it was some hope of survival.

In that renewed hope I continued my research on AC and finally decided to buy it. It cost me around 30K INR, you can understand how big an investment it is for a person without regular employment. But there was no point procrastinating. I had already invested in the separate meter (along with the bribe…grrrrrrr), so finally yesterday I went and finalized the deal. AC is already delivered, though the installation is pending. You know, I feel so angry with people on Facebook. In fact I am livid with the concept of Facebook only, there is so so much of falsehood associated. Nobody can be actually that happy as they are pretending to be. Nobody brings up the real picture of their life, which obviously has got to have all the shades. Everyone just wants to prove that their life is the best. A student of mine has gone to an European country and is posting photos titled “clear blue sky” and selfies with a jar like thing full of beer. Man, I felt like telling, you need to enjoy Europe, not show off. I have stopped logging in to FB, but then I had to refer to it for some design dilemma we are facing regarding the website we are building now (the typical problem of multiple scrollbars within a page). I was so exasperated seeing the baby photos (my baby is growing up, as if nobody else’s baby has ever been this cute), I have the best job, I do the best shopping, I watch the best movies – man, is life a competition or what? How very detached they are to real life, how they will forcibly keep their eyes shut to the normal sufferings everyday life entitles...how pathetic their state of ignorance is. Ya, I know, in my present state such remarks will look like I am thoroughly jealous, but even my day will come, and no, I’d rather write stories of my life in my blog in an anonymous way than showing off to the world on FB.

So, last but not the least, this morning’s dream. I dreamed that I have returned to my first MNC. Everyone is warmly welcoming me. There was some critical issue, and the archi group called for me as soon as they heard I am back (archi by the way is the short form we used for architecture). In reality I was never that good, but ya, I had been instrumental in the support for a couple of releases, and since I had been tracking things, people knew me across groups. Then there was my English. Whenever there were any vital mails to be sent out from my team, who better would phrase them than this nacheez. So, in the dream, I successfully resolved the issue. Everyone who met me on my way would greet me warmly (indeed I always got good bosses, there was this gentleman who advised me to pursue a Ph.D. when I was leaving, there was another gentleman who had on his own accord set a notice at my desk “user onsite, please do not use this machine”, when I was away in SG for 9 months). Then, in my dream, I met Vipul. Ya, funny as it might be, there was no trace of the man I loved, or the PMs I worked most with. There was only this gentleman who showed more trust in me than any other senior. It seemed he was back in Bangalore. He could well empathize with my decision to go home, but then he said how difficult it was to find a suitable career in the place of your choice. He asked me for a juice (solve the archi issue, then we’ll go for a juice)…I forgot to take my purse – he laughed seeing me hesitant to ask for the money and chipped in quietly. It felt like another kind of homecoming. It was that same familiar juice shop right across the book shop where I was a regular customer. Nearby was the gym, the beauty parlor, the Vodafone shop – nothing had changed. People were wearing blazers for some unknown reason, but apart from that it was the same place, which I had once thought of retiring from. Ya, my training batch mates and erstwhile roommates have become big shots, and I am a nobody. Hardly anybody from our batch has remained with the organization till date.  But still that was the place our careers started from. May be one day, when they face as much agony and hopelessness as me, they will also get a similar dream. This particular time comes in everybody’s life, when your past, present and future merge up and become one. 

All said and done, I am happy with my decision to relocate to Kolkata. Ya, it has so many evils. But then, if you are observant, you realize that all is not lost. The traffic police who stopped the bus and helped my dad get it, another one, who helps a mom with her kid get down from the bus and safely moves them to the foot path, and just casually remarks to the kid, "what, will you grow up and become a police like me?"...with my decision, I gain a little more confidence with every single passing day. May be so much that one day even I can boast and tell a kid "what, will you grow up and become a daughter like me?" I couldn't get this opportunity to be a wife or a mother - being the quintessential daughter is all the more important for me.

End of yet another dream....

I cried a bit today...the entire day's routine went topsy turvy, didn't feel like going to the university, couldn't even bring myself up for attending my Wednesday course at the American Center. Was having a severe headache, still kept crying till my eyes were red. Had to take a Saridon after ages. After ages I allowed myself to cry before my parents, I usually take care that I brood alone, so that it doesn't affect them. Like I said, everything went wrong today. And what was the reason?

Today finally the MNC told that they are keeping my candidature on hold. It was a stupid kind of mail, but on further probing through the person who had referred me (he even went and contacted the interview panel) - it came out that the interview went well but the position has already been sourced internally (which information also I sincerely doubt - I guess it is something even more fishy). The mail from HR was vague to say the least:

We have got the feedback for your level 2 interview.

As per the feedback your candidature is ON HOLD and we are unable to process it further.

We will contact you in future if the requirement is opened up again, but for our current positions we are unable to fit you in the role.

Thanks for your cooperation on the interviews.
How  are you supposed to react to such a mail? Fitment issue? Why did you ever arrange for the interview then, that too two levels? Did you check with me if I was ready to negotiate on the band/salary etc to facilitate fitment?
On last Thursday, over the phone I was told that the process is on hold for BU head approval - why was this information not shared right then?
The position was available from 18th December 2013 (as per the initial mails) - I applied on 4th March and my interview was arranged on 28th March (why the delay?) - if in this long a time the position couldn't be filled up internally, how come it is not available anymore all of a sudden?

See, I am basically an analytical person, I can detect inconsistencies very easily. But if I write these things back to the HR, what purpose will it serve? They don't have any reason to care. Human resources come cheap in this country. And trust me, till you don't suffer, you will never understand the agony and anguish of a person who is in pain or trouble.

So my struggling period continues. The "so called" wise people will say - oh you yourself are the idiot who threw everything overboard. How can I explain to them the happiness in having a simple meal with family and thereby contest their worldly wisdom?

What upsets me is the amount of hope I invested with this opportunity. I really thought I would now have an answer to all the insult, ignorance and pity that people have been shoving my way. For a while I literally lived in the hope that my old life will be back. I really used to love the work I did, and I did it with a lot of earnestness. It is still difficult to digest the absence of that aspect of my life...way a newly crippled person might feel about loss of his limb. Unknowingly he'd act as if it were still there...and then...like lightening strike he realizes the truth - no it is not there.

I hate the God who makes me go through so much for no fault of mine and indulges malpractices. I'd love to love Him the way I did, and no, I won't dictate about in what way He should or should not play God. But then, if this is God's way of running the world, we'd better part ways. I'm a fighter anyways, if I don't believe in God, at least I won't blame Him when I lose my battles. As it appears, He has designed my fate in such a way that I don't have much opportunity to thank Him anyways. So He doesn't lose much if I stop believing in Him.

I feel terrible, I feel as if my world has plunged into darkness once again. At the same time a rational voice within me says may be I have been spared from working with such an organization - whose ways are so vague and non ethical. I hate starting the circle once again, applying for jobs, approaching people who don't care, feeling like a beggar. I put in my best effort, I prayed with all my heart, but like always, everything was fruitless. It is better not to dream than to see your dreams getting shattered. But then I'd never learn it - so long as I want to live, so long as this survival instinct keeps working within me.

A beautiful dream...

Today I woke up in an unimaginably happy state of mind. I knew very well that what I dreamed was pure dream with no bit of reality involved with it...still the only thing that mattered was my ease of coexistence with my best friend (I hate to write the "once upon a time" bit, but that remains the biggest truth of all). I don't remember the dream exactly - only the fact that I ended up visiting him, as for some reason I had been to his locality. Now, frankly, in reality it would be impossible for me to recognize his house even if I am at the next door - I have been there just once and the place is extremely confusing. But then, hello, the dream place was definitely not north Calcutta. In fact it had typical stretches resembling Austria. I found myself telling him - see that dome there looks like Vienna University (frankly I don't remember if Vienna University had a dome or some other architecture, I just remember taking a photo with a statue in a thinking pose). He was his usual self, making fun of me all the time, like when I was scared to cross the road. But he helped me all the same. He mocked at my lack of geographical sense - I remember bits and pieces when he had a crooked smile on as I was explaining to him how I ended up in his locality (so from Maniktala to Shyambazar you came by a bus of xyz route - he'd say in such a way as if that route never existed or the bus didn't go to either of the two areas). The dream was shifting from a room to a road to a tram line - and I remember seeing my brother somewhere, as it seemed, I had kept him waiting somewhere nearby and been visiting my friend alone - whence he volunteered to go and meet my brother (again, in reality, this is my only friend in my entire life time, with whom my brother got on well). When inside the room, I really don't remember if we cuddled, or we were sitting normally beside each other, and that very much felt like cuddling. 

When I woke up, I was like...no I really don't want to wake up. I want to remain in the dream. I don't know why I ever let him go. If I love him to this extent, why did I never express? Why did I never realize? Now, there is no hope, he being married and with a kid, and we not being on speaking terms for what - 10 years...

But then, I just remember way we used to walk together, I remember his thin lanky figure (does he still smoke like a chimney?) - I don't know, after the dream, for a long long stretch of time, I just couldn't stop loving him. I wondered what triggered the dream? All I had done last evening was listening to the new version of "har kisiko nahi milta yahan pyaar zindagi mein" by Arijit Singh a couple of times, and watching the last two episodes of Satyamev Jayate that I missed because of my sudden busy schedule. Finally I remember falling asleep out of fatigue - this time I ignored even my medicines...well I got my medicine alright in my dream - don't remember being this delighted in time immemorial. 

What else? No update from the MNC, and in fact I read up in the net that they have this habit of rejecting people even after HR discussions have taken place. I don't know...this is such a country where you can't protest. Everyone is corrupted. I don't mind...I will survive anyways. Should I really believe in luck then? All astrologers have told me I would never get a job in Kolkata...will superstition win over will power then?

No God...I guess...

Ya, it is indeed well past 3 o'clock in the night and I don't feel like sleeping. I am the revolting me today. Angry and anguished. Not ready to oblige with the daily routine, no I haven't brushed my teeth today after dinner, neither have I cleaned my face. Grudgingly I had my medicine though. I have been prescribed some vitamin C tablets and some anti allergetics, for the heat boils I am getting here. Trust me, it is terribly hot. Going to the university definitely helps, there are 2 ACs running in the lab to cool you down, still, my room being in the top floor, and poor me not being able to afford the AC yet in my room, I am kinda getting boiled alive in the nights. But well, no, I am not angry because of that. I am angry at these English proverbs. God helps those who help themselves. You need a reason to be sad, you don't need a reason to be happy. All bullshit I tell you. God has no time to help others. Else He wouldn't have forsaken me to this extent. He must know just how well I am trying to help myself. I am this never say die girl, just trying everything possible to get back to her career. And no, I am not helped.

Why do I fall prey to hope every time? When that stupid, idiot guy came to see me last December, I was like, this must be it...finally I am going to be married. But no, I had to be rejected. When I got this mail from an MNC saying my profile matched their requirement, there was this sudden jolt of hope. Then from 4th March to 26th March, utter silence prevailed. I mailed once in between and received the standard reply that this is being processed. So, on 26th I just stirred things a bit through an employee of the organization whom I knew, and who had referred me, and there was this call on 27th arranging for an interview the next day. To my surprise the interview went extremely well and a 2nd phase was arranged subsequently. That too went reasonably well - opinions might always differ regarding managerial decisions, but at least I gave prompt solutions to all the scenarios presented. I really wanted this job - that would be a tiny step back to stability, a tinier step towards salvaging my almost lost career. But then, utter silence prevails. Absolutely no update from the HR end. All through the day I kept forgetting things as I was so engrossed in wondering about a feedback from them. I set off for the university leaving back my wallet. Halfway towards the bus stop, I thankfully remembered about it, but in recovering it, I left my umbrella behind. This time the scorching heat reminded me immediately as I stepped out, so not much time was lost. The day's wait went in vain and brought about a lot of bitterness. Bitterness about how much a support function like HR department lacks empathy. They simply don't understand how important on-time closure is for well being of a human being in general and a professional in particular.

Ya, this is not the end of the road. It is true that I want to live as if "living life" were my only passion. So amid all the brooding, I suddenly got an idea of a prospective tie up with my university regarding the type of online course I have been attending. My department specializes in that - so what's the harm in bringing up a proposal - if things click, this might be a long term project and the first one of its kind in the city - with a social benefit edge to it (free learning and all).  Ya, I do get these wonderful ideas, and I do feel like working on them, I do keep telling myself, Mamon, this is definitely not the end of the road. But then, frustration creeps in and no amount of enthusiasm can sieve it out. Crap, crap, crap, what can somebody do in a city where even 5% of the people are not professional enough? They want a bribe in every single thing, they would keep their egos prior to the intention of doing greater good - the attitude itself gets me angry. I feel disgusted, I end up being the typical bad girl, doing things I am not supposed to do. Is there at all a God? I wonder.

But then, every time I think "why me?" I remember Yuvraj Singh. Way he used to tell in this ad, if I never asked why me when I got the man of the tournament award in the world cup, why should I ask this when I got cancer? So, I decide not to ask why me, not to ask God to have mercy on me, not to complain when things just slip out of my hand like sand however much I grip on to them. Fine then, bring it on. I have been living in chunks for a long time now. Thought I'd die after Boo left me. I didn't. I won't die before death comes. It remains to be seen just how much I suffer in my attempts to live a proper life despite all things going awry. I was thoroughly against hiring someone notwithstanding the interview results - that was one thing with my last organization that terribly pissed me off. So if at all the interviewer has decided not to go ahead with my selection, I should be accepting his decision. But thing is, until the negative outcome is confirmed, you just can't help clinging on to hope. And that is what kills all the more. Yes I can ask them myself, but then, there is no guarantee that they would answer me. If they have decided in their mind they will procrastinate this for 3 weeks, no amount of insisting on my part will change their mind.

I hate people who keep work off themselves just by pretending that they are busy and preoccupied. I can never keep a pending work and shut shop, even with minor things like eating, I can't eat slowly. If I am at a dinner gathering, I must finish what is there on my plate before I start chatting leisurely. But forget those things. People are not like me, or I am not like people, doesn't make a difference. Even if I am the odd one out, I am angry. And I will sleep now...with eyes tearing with fatigue and a body exhausted with the heat. No, there's probably no other way out - I must turn into an atheist, there is too much pain on this earth for God to exist.