All set to welcome freedom...

The two days in the weekend were spent patiently taking back up. All these 8+ years I have acquired so much of unnecessary belongings, that I am unable to trace most of the things I'd need at the moment. E.g. hard disk. Though I had enough space in my new hard disk to take back up of all the data I had piled up here since 2010, still I was looking for my previous hard disk and couldn't find it. All this while I had this assumption that I have kept it in a certain brown bag of mine, so today when I opened it, I could find a hundred other things, like piano and french tutorials (all stupid stuff I had got from Singapore) - but not the hard disk. God knows where I have kept it.

I look longingly at my books. God knows when I can take all of them back to Calcutta. As it is, I am scared to take Appu, Neelu and Pink Pong in a suitcase, and I am not even thinking about my clothes. How is it humanly possible to take two cupboards full of clothes and 3 bookshelves full of books I don't know. I laugh away at the 15 kg luggage limit in Air India flight by which I am scheduled to go.

I don't feel emotional anymore. I couldn't survive in this place anyways. It is a good decision I have taken. I have never compromised in life - never ever. Perhaps I shall hold some kinda grievance against the people who rule this place and have undermined me so much so that I was forced to do away with my career. Because call it a stupid ideology, but I need my ego or self realization to exist with pride. And I do not know of an existence without my self respect. So, to hell with this hell hole that refused to give me my due credibility.

I have one huge advantage you know? I have very little demand from life. Next to nil, you may say. I don't live lavishly. I don't even have an air conditioner or car at my home. I shy away from buying any clothes that would exceed Rs 1000/- in its price tag. In fact my ideal buy would range from 200 to 600 Rs, funny as it may sound. My only expenses are for books, and books are not very expensive you know. They are not yet considered luxury items. It is ok, I tell myself. We shall manage. Anyways we have to manage. For decision, once taken, shouldn't be reversed if you want your words to have some weight. And it was time enough that I took a break. I have tortured myself in every possible sense of the term. Psychologically and physically.

There was a forced kinda party last Friday evening - which I yielded to, because it doesn't make sense to be miserly or arrogant. I spent the evening with a crowd of people, most of whom I hardly know and hardly like, and spent a straight 10K on them. I have never taken out my parents for such a lavish dinner. I felt bad about how this Bangalore city and its people disrespect money. But then, what's in 10K. Money is like water, it keeps flowing - you can't stop it. Somebody in the party said - I'm sure you have never enjoyed this much. I gave a polite smile and simply said - I have, much more than this. What do they think? Since I am a spinster of 33, they feel my entire life has been this boring? All evening, I kept sipping my beer (I guess I was having beer for the last time in a long time to come) - and relived all the wonderful moments. Starting from the Mysore days (rain dance in GRS water park) - the walks with Anand in MG Road and Brigade Road, when we were just getting to know each other, perhaps the only time we didn't have any grudge against each other, to the wonderful time with Boo, my various on sites, the adventures and misadventures, the...what do they call it? rappelling I guess - then sledging, water scooter, some free fall kinda thing - have done them all. I have lived life man - in every sense of the term. But then, after everything else, I realized that except my immediate family members, there's nobody who cares. So I also don't care for anybody.

So that's that. Forgot to clear the internet history of my official laptop (I have 2 by the way - one dabba lappy, one rental one which is much better in performance). I would never delete the history in the dabba one. Boo used it often - till the time we were on speaking terms (yes, even after his engagement) - clearing that history would seem to me like severing our last tie. I am such a stupid girl no? Tomorrow the machine might anyways get formatted. I keep missing my copy of Unaccustomed Earth - it was the hardbound copy I got on the day the book was released in India - I had given it to Boo - he never gave it back. I miss it very very much. I miss the angel like kiddo of my friend, she did ask me to come and meet him once on Friday, but then...I don't know these days what's formality and what's from the heart. My voice went to that so called liquid frequency, because that kid is someone I have loved selflessly - if God would give me the power I'd shield him from every bitterness that this world has to offer. I could picture myself looking at his photos and seeing him grow up - but I decided not to go and meet him and make myself weaker.

I go away from this city with empty hands. 2005 January, I had set off from home fresh with such multitude of aspirations. 2013 October, I go with an empty heart and mind. Life has zombied me in this span of time. I am not even in a position to predict how I will be 5 years hence. I can just see myself in the coming couple of months. Learning to drive, learning to play the keyboard, getting a good configuration laptop for myself - where I'd continue learning things I always wanted to learn - and happily reading books. That's about it. I know that God will be with me...in whatever I do, and wherever I go.

Life and its lessons...

The last couple of days have been trying and exhausting, if nothing else. Jet lag and the confusion and mismanagement at Mumbai airport apart, I was quite quite shaken by meeting this lady who had lost her mother and was flying back to Bangalore for the last rites. I tried to just comfort her in whatever way I could, but her agony and blankness gave me such a turmoil...I am still thinking about her and praying for her. She kept on saying that I was like an angel who came to give her strength, even now she messaged me on Facebook and said the same thing - but how can I tell her that perhaps she has acted as the real angel - who removed my last bit of doubt about my decision of leaving everything and going home. Perhaps it was God's own way of telling me that I was doing right.

Anyways now the news is spilled to the client also, so the things are kind of closed. And I had kind of come to a decision, when I could think a lot during the last couple of weeks stay in Bahrain. There is no point torturing myself in a place that badly hurts my ego. Finally you know, I have come to terms with the give and take policy of the world, i.e. I have learnt not to be a slave anymore. Not to keep giving when I get nothing. I know my world will become empty without my job, I will be a very pensive girl, but fact remains that I am equally unhappy now as well - so why not walk a different path? And I have realized something more - when you have adequate perseverance, every bad thing finally comes to an end - it was a very big mistake to force myself to stay on in this place for so long - and since last July it has been absolutely choking. Thank God it is going to end up soon.

The last day in Bahrain was fun though. I finally came out of my budgeted existence and did a lot of shopping. As I shopped for the four most important people of my life (dad, mom, bro and gran) - I couldn't but remember the fifth person. Bahrain, and this flight itinerary always reminds me of him. Can't really believe that just a year back we used to coexist in such a harmonious way, being integral part of each other's life - even now there are people in the office who fondly remember him and tell me, you and he were two real friends I got in this office. There must be something good about him that people talk about him in this way? I try not to have anything to do with my Boo - but then, I still don't get the answer to why he had to play with my life and my emotions, when he knew that I was already as hurt as someone could be in love, and that he won't really be able to make any difference? I am a girl who has seen things escaping from her every now and then, I felt I'd die without my bossie, I live, I have seen death of some of my most favorite people on earth, I live, I saw my Boo walk out of the same office where we had met for the first time, I knew I will never meet him again, I live - come what may, I will live. I know I am being delirious now, but just remembered watching Hector die in the movie Troy - so what, does anyone respect him any less because he lost a duel and died?

Uprooting, sapling, and an one off crazy breakdown...

The last day before uprooting is always the most difficult. I HATE being uprooted, and that's what has been happening with me time and again. I don't remember facing this problem before my Singapore days. I never never never wanted to leave Singapore and come back. I can't forget the heartbreak I suffered on that day. I lost all my happiness, every bit of it. Oh just how contended I was living there - I never ever wanted that to change.

Since then I have felt the pangs time and again. Each time I left Bangalore and went to Kolkata. Each time I left my parents, granny and my own little mansion and came back to Bangalore. Each time I had to travel abroad. Each time I had to return from abroad. Setting up a place for 2-3 months, getting yourself accustomed to your surroundings, and then suddenly everything changes. There is no permanence. As if I am having this curse on myself - "no you can't have your own heaven on earth, that heaven will always be destroyed".

So many times I have cried on my way. In the train, in the bus, in the metro. The pain was so intolerable. I especially remember way I cried in the MRT on the last day I was coming back from office to my home in Tampines. One more time I remember is when I was going home for that proposal from that Egypt guy, and my bossie decided to turn up in Bangalore on that very day. Oh how I cried. Why do I need to cry like this?

I hate changing homes, ok? Except perhaps my Bangalore home, I have no attachment to it whatsoever, if anything, I am attached to the books, to Appu and Neelu, to my music thingies. But apart from that, every place I have stayed in, including hotel rooms, I have liked them, kept them clean and maintained them as if they are my own. I hate being shifted around.

And to think - I am depressed thinking that this shifting around won't be there after a week's time from now.

তোর  কথা খুব মনে পড়ে।  আজকাল যেন সবসময় মনে পড়ে, বুঝিনা কেন।  এখানে  তোর কথা লিখেছি কিন্তু মন খুলে লিখতে পারিনি...কিসের লজ্জায় জানিনা।  ঠিক যে লজ্জায় আমি তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারিনা? তোর সঙ্গে নতুন করে কিকরে সম্পর্ক স্থাপন করতে হয় আমি জানিনা। নয়তো তোকে অনলাইন দেখি, তুই আমার  ফেসবুক এ আছিস, আমি তো চাইলেই তোর সঙ্গে কথা বলতে পারি, তাই না? আসলে কি জানিস ঋত,  সেই দিনগুলোর কথা মনে পরে যখন কিছু বলতে লাগত না, তুই বুঝতে পারতিস।  You used to be my soul mate right, you'd simply know what's going on in  my mind. Now you don't, you are somebody else. Like everyone else, you are also so so far away from me. Only the lady who's given me birth, she's the only one who has that heart's connection left. She realizes what I am going through, without my telling. তুই? তুই এখন অনেক দুরের মানুষ।  কি করব জেনে বা বুঝে যে তোকে এখনো ভালবাসি? তাতে আমার একাকিত্বের কোনো হের ফের হবে না।  আমি ভীষণ একা ঋত, কিন্তু আমি এত বেশি জেদী, সাধারণ মানুষ ডুবে যাবার আগে শেষ কুটোটা ধরে ভেসে থাকে, আমি ঠিক করেছি, অমন তুচ্ছ একটা জিনিস আঁকড়ে থাকব না, দেখব জিনিসটা ছেড়ে দিলে কি হয়? মরি কি না? মন খারাপ হলে মাতৃভাষা বলতে ইচ্ছে হয় জানিস তো? আর প্রিয় বন্ধুর পাশে বসে অনর্গল বক বক করতে ইচ্ছে হয়...হয়ত তাই করছি...
আমার কোনো প্রিয় বন্ধু নেই জানিস তো? কেউ আমাকে বোঝেই না? আর আমার দোষ, কারো সঙ্গে সামাজিকতা করতে ভালো লাগেনা।  কিন্তু তুই তো এককালে ছিলিস, আর যখন ছিলিস, তখন কোনদিন ভাবিনি এরকম একটা দিন আসবে, যখন বিদেশ বিভুয়ে একা ঘরে মন খারাপ করে কাঁদতে কাঁদতে তোকে উদ্দেশ্য করে ব্লগ লিখব :) তুই ভালো থাকিস, আমি গত আট বছরে নিজেকে প্রচুর ধ্বংস করেছি, শেষ কোপ টাও মারতে চলেছি খুব শিগগির।  that's it. এখানে খুব কষ্ট করে বাংলা লিখতে হয়, আরব দেশ তো, transliteration doesn't work by default in  the browser - চল টাটা :) You didn't feel I am seeking your pity by writing all this right? I want to go back to my childhood, when I'd heard the first songs of Suman. I want to go back to my college days, when I first met you. I still have that impression in my mind, live and animated, of you climbing up the college staircase in a swift motion - much like the photographs in Harry Potter. I don't wanna bother you, just তুই যে বলেছিলি, আমি চাকরি ধরব আর ছাড়ব, I had protested then. That time I had a nice vision in my mind of getting married immediately after college, with a rich person preferably, so that I can buy plenty of story books with his money, and spend my life reading them. Well, I haven't been doing anything much different, except that now it seems, that story books are not sufficient. I know that reading Frankenstein when you are living alone in a room in an alien country is not a good idea, but I am going crazy here. Please tell me that this won't destroy me. Because the hurt ego that is caused everyday otherwise, is actually destroying me.

You know what I dreamed that night? That I have gone to Ireland, for office work, and I am meeting you there, you have discovered some Bengali hotel there and having your lunch. I must be so crazy. I haven't packed yet. I am panic stricken, I just want everything to be all right. You remember that letter I wrote to you about our love being the sapling that both of us didn't care for at the same time, and it died....you know what, it is still alive somewhere inside me - and now in my not so good days, it is what keeps me alive :)

Ode to my best friend - the real one :)

For once I am going to write something different. Because of last night's dream. That left such a sweet taste in my mouth, it still lingers.

I am able to remember my dreams these days. Distinctly and clearly. And that way, I can facilitate being my perfect guinea pig. I can analyze what actually is going on in my mind. How I am feeling. What I actually want in my subconscious. And if I am going in the right direction, i.e. whatever I am doing for myself, I am doing it right.

I can't describe the dream. For the simple reason that I feel shy. I didn't know that one evening's shyness when he had touched my cheek to have a look at my earring, remains so deep rooted in my mind. That navy blue color of his shirt, that walk together we had in the rain, when we were coming back after having watched our first and only movie together, that feeling of intense oneness as we walked on in the so called cultural center of Kolkata, overlooking vast stretches of greenery, along with the urge I have of going back to my city, mingles up and creates a strange nostalgia. And in my dream I end up being in yet another new country. Clumsy and unsmart as usual, I kind of embarrass my colleagues until I very unexpectedly discover him, having his lunch alone. I think in my mind that of all places, this is a place where I'd have least expected to meet him, but for him, he is unperturbed. He never worried about me much, he had always accepted me the way I am. He is never romantic in the dream, just natural. Romance surges through me, kind of washes me over. I can feel my feet trembling. I am unsteady and drop my food, and everyone else around laughs. He ignores. As I said, he's habituated with me.  And I also don't feel stupid with him. I can ask him whatever is there in my mind. Things like "don't you get lost in your house? It is so complicated" (to which he'd answer, no I am used to it from when I was born) or "don't you get afraid when you walk on these roads? Houses are so old here, they are almost bending down, they can fall anytime" (he'd simply say - they haven't fallen yet).

I am painfully aware of the truth all along. I am in my senses throughout the dream. I know he no more belongs to me, I know we haven't talked for ages. I know his being there doesn't help decrease my loneliness, because we have different lives. Knowing everything, I just live in the moment, I just bask in the glory of being with him, way I used to do when we were young. I have always been so so proud of him. I don't want him to call me home, to introduce me to his family, this little time with him, sitting beside him and having lunch, in an unknown foreign country (I incidentally remember which country - a country I have never been to, and never dreamed of being to - a country I was not even sure is part of EU or UK - but all the same it seemed familiar with its cobbled roads and all) - that was happiness enough for me.

I had written last time about good memories. If I think back, I have the best memories of my life with him. Every memory with him is good, except perhaps a couple - his habit of hanging up the phone abruptly and my going on talking as if he's still there, and the last harsh remark he had made when we had our last phone call, that I am getting intolerable. But that doesn't hurt me anymore. Things actually went very wrong because of the choices I had made, may be in his wisdom, he'd have seen the result right then. I don't know. I don't know. All I can think of is, if we hadn't been such kids then, if we were guided properly, we could have had a very nice life together. Or who knows, it also might have gone wrong. In life, you can never say. He certainly had some habit which I didn't like, only because of my hero worship of him, I ignored them.

As I said, I don't want to analyze. I just keep enjoying that sweetness the dream left. And I realize, this is the only thing that can make me happy. Being with someone who loves me, who knows me and accepts me the way I am, and who lets me go free without clipping my wings. And I realize something else too. He'll be there forever in my heart, wherever further away he might be physically. Actually it is better that he never comes near me, I am too much overwhelmed by his presence. Like a maiden freshly in love....

Ha ha, you know what, now it seems funny, but when I wrote the last entry, I was devastated. I cried for an hour, and went to sleep without food. It was all a result of that last day mail being sent to HR - which was such a clear indication that my career is about to end. My career, the only thing I had - as a substitute for a normal life. And all the time I kept taking his name and complaining to him - "...you said I have to have a career, you said I can leave a job only to take up another, you said...you said..."

See, that's it...I love him so so much...that I go crimson at the very mention of his name...I...I can take his name, but I can't write it here...I...I am at a loss for words...

Awaiting 30th September...

Life is going to be simple and uneventful soon enough. I still doubt my decision, but have chosen to go ahead with it. So this site is there... www.virtualpiano.net which has become a kind of bliss for me.

I log in on whichever day I am having a little less work load, and happily play all the tunes I have learnt so far - which inclues twinkle twinkle little star, লাল ঝুঁটি কাকাতুয়া, সখী ভাবনা কাহারে  বলে, আলো আমার আলো, and Bach Minuet. Mostly আলো আমার আলো, I was never addicted so much to the song as I am to the tune.

Bahrain is usual, as it is, it is not a very happening place, and I am in a usual routine of work and home and more work and more cheese. Cheese and bread has been my dinner for around 4 days now, one more day and I will start despising even an ethereal thing like cheese :D - not to add the routine breakfast of cornflakes, milk and nutella. I am preparing wonderful homemade ice cream though, with milk, sugar and nutella. Besides got some eggs, which I need to finish up (do I need more protein? God help me). You should see me hogging down lunch at the client bank canteen. Shows that I still remain a major foodie, though I am now a long long long distance away from you. As it is they prepare excellent food, of all different varieties, and another reason is, that is the only proper meal I get in the whole day. As usual, nobody likes Pupu Ray, so, Pupu Ray likes nobody, she has also chosen a lonely existence, and lonely dinners and now almost welcomes it.

Bigg Boss Bangla got over. Konee didn't win, though I supported her quite a bit. I could identify with her in some ways. A stubborn, foolish being - who ends up despising the world without wishing much harm to it, solely because the world has been so unfair to her. I have to live life my own way now - yes I'd have been happier if I had a job to tag along - but if it is not to be, let it not be. I can't compromise anymore and let everyone take advantage of me.

The dreams trouble me you know. I don't understand head or tail of my dreams. I am such a loner in reality, and in my dreams everybody would be there. Mom, dad, friends, didis and aunties streaming in the house, and somewhere a pang, somebody comes and informs me, did you see, your Boo has packed his suitcase, he's all set to go. I'd give painful looks his way, as he would stand in the corner of the room, ready with suitcase, about to leave, whereas rest of the room is so full of laughing and chatting people, as if some celebration is going on. Oh, none of them understand my agony, my splitting apart with witnessing him about to go away forever - except perhaps he himself, a person who'd never change his decision. Why on earth do I have such dreams?

I heard this song in Bigg Boss Bangla for the first time - আহা উত্তাপ কত সুন্দর তুই থার্মোমিটারে মাপলে - and discovered that it had been there all the time in my mobile, perhaps as a result of some random bluetooth download, and I never listened to it because it was called চল রাস্তায় and I assumed for reasons unknown that it is a song by নচিকেতা :( Me and my whims.

I am an imaginative girl ok? I love picturing things. This single line wanted to evoke in my mind images of a lover caring for me when I have fever. Didn't remotely find any such memory. What I remembered was something that made me loathe myself all the more - once I was having an asthma attack and couldn't go to office, and Anand also chose to stay back. All that was good only, but Anand being Anand, he'd never get rid of his animal instincts, so as you can guess, it is not exactly love that he showed, though his intention was to probably take care of me. I keep remembering few things, Anand once told me, he doesn't have a single good memory about us. You can't imagine the heartbreak it causes every time I remember it. A girl who has decidedly given her life to love and worship her man and give her whole existence for him, has nothing left in her, when she's told she's not able to create a single happy moment with him. I realize the reason today - reason is that I never loved Anand, I just accepted him because that'd make him happy. Because you know, if you love someone it can never get this wrong. I still have good memories of bossie, and about Boo, why every night I fall asleep, I feel as if I am sleeping in his arms. Whatever it is, the song mesmerizes me...
তবু বারে বারে তোকে ডাক দি, একি উপহার নাকি শাস্তি, আমি ভুলে যাই কাকে চাইতাম, আর তুই কাকে ভালোবাসতি। আমার কান্না পায়ে, তবু চোখ দিয়ে জল পরেনা আর, নিজেকে বোঝাই, আমার ভাগ্যটাই এমনি, ভালো জিনিস গুলো শুধু চলেই যায়, কোনদিন ফিরে আসেনা আর...
That's ok. I am tired of pretending anyways. I can't live in this world of falsehood. Where you pretend to be what you are not. I am not a fucking Banking Consultant, I never in my entire life have ever wished to make a career in banking. I am not a tech savvy person. If I like anything, I like reading books, like cooking, like being with myself and I like music and arts to some extent. That's it, that's me. I have no talent whatever in anything, only I am good in everything I do. But yes, only because I am good, and I like working, and in this fucking life nothing else is left except work, doesn't mean I will do it for peanuts and live without my parents. I am not a fucking A - well sorry about the cursing :) Does blogger blog such posts? I had written to Boo one stupid mail once - I was half afraid that google might block it and not let him read it. It goes like this:

you know how it is - I don't know why you find it to be sweet...
you keep saying...why you show sweetness...
If I write goodnight mail...it becomes sweet...
If I ask for a kissy...becomes sweet...
and ya...point...if not sweet...then irritating...
I ask for I love u...irritating...
I ask for smile....irritating...
see the fun...sending mail is also wrong...asking for mail is also wrong...
all we r supposed to do....is to seriously and religiously chat about THE GREAT BONG....

FUCK U and U GO AND FUCK UR BONG :@ :@

and man...simple thing u don't understand...very simple thing...
I walk around...I listen to music...watch tv....watch movies...I just work with concentration...man u r like my prince...u just come along...u r always there...
uff...baba....it is u who spoils me...I m this grown up girl otherwise...
u spoil me...u make me become a kid...ask for this thing and that....and refuse to be refused...I become this ziddi kid...never going to give up...
and then u only scold me....n I am sad...that feels so good too...
I feel flexible with u...u can change me...command me...kiss me and kill me...
you are my Othello...I am poor Desdemona...will accept everything...

will tell you one secret today...and once u read it u r supposed to forget it ok? fully forget it and never mention it again...

I once wrote in my diary....
What is life without love? And what is love when your man doesn't possess you completely? I can be with a sex maniac, Hitler of a guy who hits me every night...but I should be his world....his entire world....

I am like that....I would never give in to anyone lesser.... :)
now don't hit me in the night ok? that too u have done....and I actually liked that too....

man it is like...the great me....she is humbled by this nobody? She is like...ok boo boo...sorry boo boo...man I don't bend down before anyone...ANYONE....and you know it very well....

how did u do it? it is like...crap...crazy fellow...I shall never ever talk to him again....kick his balls....and 5 min....lemme minimize citrix window n check if he replied back...
man how do u do it? just how? 

Boo...I don't know if our relationship will last...I really don't know....but...I don't want to bend down....in front of you....in front of anybody....but...something makes me look at you with desire and come back to you every time...I hate you at times...absolutely hate you....at other times I am like....what an idiot I have loved (the other day I checked your linkedin profile and was like yuck yuck...can there be a greater moron on earth?) Then what is it that brings me back to you? Why after every 15 min (15 min at max) I will have to...have to...and must remember you despite all my anger...

I don't know....it is a big mail...I'd be rather happy if u don't read it....

you are like beer to me boo...intoxicating...takes away me and my idiot stupid life and ego from myself...I am blank....and serene...and only with you :)

Tell me how you'd feel when this guy, this guy who was my everything, goes and marries an emaciated long toothed girl from nowhere and completely abandons me. Tell me why on earth someone should love to this extent and then suffer this much? Is there anything left in my life? I just give up, give up and give up.

My parents always had great dreams with me. As is common with the Bengali parents of the previous generation, they literally starved to bring us up like royal beings. And what have I given them back? I just return to them like a dead body. And you know what, my parents are the only people on earth, who will handle even that, and still be proud of me and love me - they will never abandon me or take advantage.

And on a lighter note, if blogger doesn't block it, this article will forever stay public, to tell how difficult life can get. I don't trust anybody. I simply can't. The other day this guy came to my room, he takes care of this apartment complex where I am staying. Said he is from Bangladesh and I look like his sister. The next day he again came and got me some fruits. I kind of purposefully misbehaved with him because I don't like anyone showing any affection to me. And here I pine away for love. And I know I am not the only person who suffers like this. This is what happens to you when you are born a human and won't agree to comply with the usual ways of the world.

P.S. - Blogger Stats now shows 10000+ hits to my blog. Have been waiting for this for a long time - though nothing much to achieve in a 6 years existence, but still proof enough that some people read it :) Thanks to my readers - you have no idea what a void you fill up :)

Say Cheese :)

I have realized something. I love cheese. Every time I come onsite I live on cheese literally. In Prague it was this Mascarpone thingy, here it is one particular type I am having from my last visit in Bahrain. Licking on a spoonful of cheese gives me the ultimate pleasure, even much much more than having ice cream. This reminds me, I can make some ice cream at home. Can use up the sugar also that way.

Did you just mumble under your breath that I am fat and greedy? Doesn't help. I am well aware of my vices. This is my last onsite after all. If I don't indulge myself now, when do I do that?

I was a 100 times thankful that I didn't write when I actually wanted to write. It was a huge emotional turmoil - and a lot of drama, more drama than I could imagine. And once again I was fooled by him, I literally felt that may be vestiges of that love still remains within him. After the drama and all, after he had left the office, I cried a lot. I even tried to turn to my so called friend so as to heal the immense wound. Yes she was there for the time being, but soon enough I realized that there's no point trying this. Our friendship is lost forever. So again I cocooned up.

So what exactly happened? Ha ha, who doesn't want spice in life, nahi? When you are separating from your once upon a time lover forever, the farewell story is usually plenty of spice, and people like it - else Bollywood movies wouldn't have been such big hits. But only in my case, I have not felt like speaking to him in quite a long time. So, just when it is time for him to leave office, last day mail and all having been sent, this guy walks up to my desk and maintains a foot of distance and starts talking. He introduces himself. "Hi, I am so-n-so, today is my last day in so-n-so, so just wanted to say thank you." The same way he had walked up to my desk and introduced himself some 3 years back. I remained silent for a while, then couldn't take it anymore. Just blurted out in frustration, "why do you need to do this?". He got his golden chance, the foot became a couple of inches, and after a while of playing around with the things on my desk, he extended his precious hand for a handshake. Don't get me wrong, but for a while I lost my mind. I gave him my hand, he shook it and walked away. In a choking voice I said, "take care...". Without turning back, he said, "Sure, you too."

That night, and a few more days that followed, I could genuinely love him once again. Way I use to curse myself for choosing a non deserving person, and letting him ruin my life, was gone for a bit. The softer emotions returned. Till he posted the Taj photos in Facebook.

No, this time I didn't feel the pangs of envy that I usually feel. Instead I laughed aloud in pure relief. He is dead. Nothing, that belonged to the person I had loved, is a part of him anymore. He has lost his looks, his dressing sense, his poise, his confidence. It is just merely a pretension that envelopes him these days. I literally was having pity on him. Ugliness defines him and his surroundings these days. He got left nothing beautiful about him.

Grape is sour syndrome? It came to my mind as well. But still I couldn't stop congratulating myself for having avoided getting associated with such a person. After all, I am a worshiper of beauty, have been so forever in life. Just realized that when you do away with truth, all your beauty goes naturally.

So last onsite - some 10 more days. And then independence. I will survive I guess. So long then...