What now?

What now? I don't know.
I can vaguely remember the time when I landed. The day. From early morning. October 13, 2011. Getting up at the break of dawn, getting ready, waiting outside my apartment, scared whether the taxi will turn up in time.
The check in and immigration was hassle free, as it usually is...in Europe. I was more or less comfortable, seated in the lounge, observing people...and feeling happy sad...my usual favorite feeling...then boarded the flight to Paris, it got delayed, tension in mind...changing terminals in CDG, and then finally, waiting in the huge serpentine queue for boarding the flight. I started making friends right from there. First an entrepreneur guy who has his own website, then some US based engineer, who was my neighbor. I discovered that the latter was a Sagittarian, and we became in-flight brother and sister :) :)
After the long flight, got down in Bangalore almost at midnight. Bro had as usual come up to receive me. Reached home and slept off after having a short chat with mom.
Next day was my so called in-transit leave. Woke up late, and started calling friends. Smitha I remember, some other folks were also there. Then, towards noon, I sms'ed him. His usual dialogue, "100 years for you...just came to pantry to call you up". He said he'd come over at night.
Did I foresee the whirlwind that was to come up? The dream come true events. The heart breaks and the exhilaration? The last 5 and a 1/2 months have been different. Unlike the usual time of my life, there was a purpose. I complained, I cried, and I laughed...and today I realize, this was life. I really don't know if ever I will get this time back. Ever again in life.
Cut shot, and we come to March 31, 2012. Once on Thavereke Main Road, I burst into tears. He also got agitated. Pinched my legs, rubbed my hands, tried comforting me in all ways that are possible while driving a bike. And he laughed. "Recession is a state of mind"...the goodbye was short...I held his hand and said, take care... He said, "Show Off"...I got angry and said, "I am not showing off"...and he smiled and drove away.
I don't know when we'll meet next. At this point in time, I don't hope anything. Let alone, staying together for the rest of our lives, I don't even know whether I will be able to meet him alone, in person, ever again.
The emptiness stings...I don't exactly feel miserable, as there is too much happiness that true love brings. But, I have recoiled. In my own shell. I breathe sparingly. And when I laugh, I look sad. I am rather lost, but trying to cope up. For some unknown reason, I can't demand permanence in life. I can't demand...but he can give me...if he wants...
That's all I have. This hope against hopes...