Point of no return...

To think...this is my blog since 2007, and have I ever, for a single time even, written here...that I love Madan Mohan compositions?
Once in a while I feel as if it is not my life that I'm living. Have I ever lived for myself? Why do I need to take this load? Challenge at every step...more than that, fear of failure? Crap...did Dev and Maya ever fear about losing each other? Did they ever have to act with each other? Bring up excuses, to talk or not to talk? They were there to share each other's problem, it was never a bloody one sided persuasion.
I feel useless. I don't serve any purpose. Life is all about giving shape to dreams. I am ok about selfless servitude, if at all I have some dream to give shape. Not my dreams, at least his.
I go through this constant dilemma. Then I look at our photo. Perhaps the sweetest couple on earth, even if I try to judge neutrally. And he'd do nothing for our relationship. Be a kid. Do whatever he feels like. Try to stick on to his past. Cause me ample pain, and more. Isn't my lonely existence far better than this?
I have this throbbing pain in my head. And I listen to Lata and Madan Mohan masterpieces. I read some book or the other (Shiva Trilogy, then The Sins of the Father, followed by Argumentative Indian) and somehow keep myself alive. I feel this is better. Living for myself. Else there seems to be no point...no point...