The ego battle, the bitterness, and the realization...

The last week has been nothing short of terrible. There has been so much of pressure. Pressure of winning the battle. Of restoring my ego. Of taking revenge of selfish elements that won't even let me mourn in peace.

I have never been this shrewd, ever before in my life. For once I wanted to hurt back - because people shouldn't ever feel they have the right to hurt me and get away with it...only because I can't always manage to hide the fact that I am already broken. So finally I have won the ego battle. Blasted the guy who had this buttering tendency I was talking about in an earlier entry. Sycophant...even learned the proper English word. He had the guts to call me a peer...a guy who is 11 years younger than me and has none of my professional capabilities. This is where life has brought me...my wish to live life my way...so how could I not fight tooth and nail in order to disprove this terrible realization?

I don't feel like celebrating my victory though...you celebrate a victory only when you have some respect for the opponent. Remember Hector and Achilles? You don't really jump with joy when you've killed a mosquito or a cockroach, do you? Yes, believe it or not, I am capable of this much hatred.

I guess so much hatred has arisen from experiencing the pain my friend feels. From understanding that pain, from not being able to do anything to save him from feeling that pain. That I have felt that pain too doesn't help him in any way. He is too proud a soul to accept my help. I feel so bitter that the world has brought this unto him. As much as I have my helplessness, I have this smoldering ache on not being able to heal his wounds. That he'd get ruined and people hell bent on not acknowledging their worthlessness will keep winning games they don't even deserve to play...is not acceptable to me. I fight against this disparity...

When I can't handle it anymore, I look at the pictures taken by him, I watch his favorite songs in youtube...but I don't allow myself this liberty, luxury always...it doesn't matter...my love doesn't really matter...I just pray to God all the time that my ego doesn't come between us...that I don't become like them who have hurt him...

এক এক সময় মা পাখি হতে ভালো লাগে - অসহায় লাগে, মনে হয় একটু আদর আমিও পাই, কিন্তু স্বার্থপর হতে ইচ্ছে হয় না, মনে হয় শুধু ভালবাসি :) ...

You know why? Because, way I like your favorite songs, you like mine too...ok...just 1/3 of them :) :)

One more gone...

"Jaundice" is no more. She died on a Good Friday, I guess. This morning I went downstairs and heard that she didn't come over for breakfast. Went looking for her, and came across her, as if sleeping peacefully, very much like her mother. Called her a number of times, tried to notice if she is breathing...and then gave up all hope.

She was growing up into a lovely young lady with natural kohl smudged eyes. At times I pictured her in a scarf and sunglasses, she'd look a perfect fashionista. They were growing up well, I was half expecting, all of them would live a full 10 years of healthy life.

I did promise I won't care as much for her puppies once Kutu died, but I couldn't keep my promise. My parents got involved, in fact the entire neighborhood was keen on saving the pups, we all loved them. Jaundice was my father's favorite. He gave her the name Jaundice, as she was the only tawny colored puppy...rest of them were black like their mother, and also because she didn't eat much in the initial days. Later, however, she developed a good appetite. She would nibble on biscuits from dad's hand, and then rub her face on his feet. 

We are all devastated. Her three brothers remain...their pampered sister was the first to go...

Rest in peace with your mother, sweetheart...

Something snapped...

Just had one of those "memory" trips. When things come back to you...

Wasn't this the day when I had traveled to Singapore? 2007, how many years back would it be? My first ever flight, and my first ever trip outside India. I was trying to live...after having committed a crime.

And I still live. A crooked, twisted life, a friendless, worthless life, but I still live. I finished "Gone Girl" today, with an effort. I can't concentrate at storybooks like before. I feel all the time that I have been defeated. I don't have a single good thing to look forward to, my salary is back to what I earned when I started earning - all 10 years of professionalism gone to vain. And I can't even take revenge...সুখে আছে যারা, সুখে থাক তারা ...is the stupid mindset I possess.

Yes, it hurts all the more because the loneliness is back. I'm not destined to friendship. But what pains is, even last night I didn't realize that I'm going to lose my only friend amid all this darkness. Today, I just felt my feelings dying a silent, lonely, unceremonious death. I just felt something snap inside me, and I did nothing. I just went on reading, like a zombie. Just went on playing Candy Crush, not wishing anymore to win the round before all lives are lost, in fact, cutting off a game midway in sheer frustration. More reading. Time to feed the Talking Tom cat. I like playing the Happy Face game there - at least get to see some smiles. Scolded the puppies, opened the window a bit, and talked to them, they were squabbling over food as usual. The two housewives at the house next to us, who were throwing leftover food to them, exchanged looks, hearing my voice. They decided not to look up, not to look at my direction. They don't understand me, I am not of their category. More reading. "Mom, I am hungry..." - devoured some fruits. Then some soup. Then some rice. Then some sweets. Bid them good night. came up to my room...loneliness strikes again...and I read more...I can't stand it after some time...need to write...where else, my faithful blog. It felt so much better writing to a real person, for a change, but what to do, when the person has decided that he won't even give me that space. Some more tears, I put on the AC, my only luxury. And I long for some rain. And I long for death. But I know I am not allowed to die...it won't ever be that easy for me...I shall try again and fail, try again and fail, just keep failing, and keep dying small small deaths, every single day of my life...because I haven't learned to give up.

Why do I feel that God belongs to the male species? A female God could never have been this unjust...

The talk time - that mustn't get over...

I am feeling terribly strange today. Really really strange. When I was returning from the university, the car had to swerve along the front gate of SRFTI, given the ongoing metro constructions. And I distinctly saw him, laughing along with a crowd of friends (or admirers?) and walking out of the gate. One of my ex-crushes.

Flashback 29-October-2013. I had gone over to HDFC bank, Santoshpur branch, to open a joint account with dad. I was pissed off with ICICI. It was one month of unemployment…I was not that terribly upset. Still had a mind for the subtle joys in life. Dad was worried about how I’d return home from there (my dad!)…and the car was still 11 months away. He got me into an auto and left for his office. The auto broke down in front of SRFTI. I got down. The auto driver apologized profusely. There were two other gentlemen who were traveling with me and constantly discussing how autocratic the government in a neighboring country is (they shoot right away, take the accused in a stadium and shoot them, with people watching…) – they felt similar things should happen in India to check corruption. The two “righteous” uncles got down and walked off without paying the fare. I paid him the full fare (shoot me). My house was anyways walking distance. I ducked from the speeding vehicles on EM Bypass and looked back at SRFTI…and gave one of my characteristic romantic smiles. At the same moment I hit myself on the back of my head playfully – the ever incorrigible me. Told myself…even this could be another reason I came back to Kolkata?

Even then I didn’t know…even now I don’t know…the real reason why I came back. All I know is that there must be some reason. Something inexplicable. Something very very complicated. 

Because the fact remains that I didn’t meet him at the right time. I couldn’t save him from the agony he never deserved. And frankly, had I met him at the right time, (may be on that day, near the bank, or on my way to Jadavpur...I have thought about it a bit...we did coexist in the city, with similar broken hearts even then...) – he wouldn’t have cared for me even the wee little bit that he cares now. For I am too insignificant compared to him. Our sufferings bring us together, otherwise we are no match for each other. Our sufferings, that we got to know are similar...because we finally met...albeit at the wrong time...at a time which couldn't reverse anything any more. Then, need we have met at all? I wonder. I have no answer to that. I'm just happy that we met.

He gives me the luxurious sense of feeling contented. A gentleman who himself is right now at his all-time low spirits. And whose presence in my life is through a couple of lines he writes to me very sparingly. But with this mere “lack of absence” he induces in me something very close to exaltation. He says he cares for me, but not in as “special” a way as I expect. Do I expect anything from him? The answer is a purely uncomplicated “NO”. Least of all, to be treated specially. For you see, way he interprets it, “specially” means “pitifully”. No, I am happy the way he treats me. A casual acquaintance, probably even lesser, but still he treats me with respect, honesty and transparency. The virtues that I never got from the people who boasted of loving me. “Never thought that I’d get such a fair girl”, “you’re the most intelligent girl on earth”, and then dump and never look back. No man, I don’t need to be special. Never again in this life time. Thank you very much. Just be my friend. That will do…

At times, a little bit of talk time means a lot…

Morning shows the day...

Have you ever felt the very subtle kind of irritation: No, I don't feel like doing anything whatsoever anymore...?

No, the morning was definitely not like that. But let's begin from last night. Or probably give a backdrop.

Way I talk about uprooting a tree, I kinda uprooted a problem that was bothering me for a while. Kolkata, when I came back jobless, was lonely. I had that once upon a time boyfriend, who used to call me frequently, and suddenly I realized that he's after all, taking advantage of me once again. I am weak and unsure and insecure, and he is trying to gain leverage. I stopped talking with him. Then, apart from couple of school friends (Ananya, Pamela and basically the list ends there) and once in a while chat with my long distance friends (in Bangalore, in the US), there were no friends. Only struggle for existence. And then came the job. And subsequent reunions - with folks I knew from the department. And I accepted their friendship, the once upon a time boyfriend included, though I clarified my stand in precise terms. There are all specimens among my (so called) friends. One of them had insisted he'd rent me one of those DVDs (in our college days, just so that I could check out the stuff) because in his opinion, (watching) it gives you absolute calm and takes away all your worries (therapeutic, I must say). My answer: thanks, but no thanks, I live with my parents and I can't spoil the environment of my home...There was one more, who had actually touched me inappropriately inside the computer lab, and when I was debating with myself whether to take it up with him or if that was purely unintentional, he came up to me and asked, "how did you feel?" Trust me, at this point of time I really don't remember how I answered him, but since the stuff doesn't really weigh on my mind, I guess I had answered him in a tit for tat way (pun intended).

After our reunion, I kinda accepted back the very same people in my life, not close friends, but friends alright. We formed a Whatsapp group, and good morning and good night messages would come in. Ask a lonely soul like me, you'd get to know how those very small messages can make you feel in touch with the human society. I was never very interactive (except with the "undefined" guy - and though I feel almost all the time that I am forcing myself on him - but still I feel a natural ease with him, and an occasional outburst with Asha or Deepti or Ananya or Seema or Anitha - my girl friends who basically know me well as a person, I can't be too expressive, and yes let's leave my ex-es out of the list - which girl doesn't talk with her guy?)

And then those jokes started floating, first a little polished, then crude, then absolutely blatant. I started feeling uncomfortable. Not knowing what to do, I mentioned it to the "undefined" gentleman. No response as usual. I talked with my once upon a time boyfriend. "I'll see what I can do, you don't post anything to the group for a while" - and then he requested the guys to add another girl (married) from our batch. There were protests - oh her husband will object to the things we talk about. Talk about shamelessness. And my so called counselor gave a smiley (a smiley!!!) on hearing this. Of course, I don't have a husband, so I am a soft target. Even after this (imagine the extent to which I am tolerant and friendless, both), I observed the situation for one full week. Yesterday I moved out of the group. Without saying a word, and deleted all the conversations from the group as well. There was a message from the admin guy (the "how did you feel" guy) - asking me why I left...I ignored the message.

Afterwards, the night was beautiful. I feel good when I prove to myself that I am a strong girl. Must have been seeing some pleasant dreams when the door opened and the maid stepped in. "What time is it?", I asked lazily, reaching out for my phone. "Oh, it is just 7:30, I came early today..." and I went back to sleep. Once again some more dreams (I never remember good dreams after I wake up, if it has some dark streak, then only I can recollect), and then I finally go down for breakfast. It was always supposed to be a lazy Sunday. And in my over-imagination, it was supposed to be a happy Sunday too...then why this irritation? Is the untimely heat getting on my nerves, or the low internet speed, or for once, I want you to be something other than "undefined"? I don't know if you'd be happy losing me, but I definitely won't want to lose my only friend...on whom, I force myself, whatever, I never feel I am being a burden...

Please don't take away my only lease of life...

Just a short story

"That guy there..."
"Who?"
"The guy on the sofa opposite us...hugging his daughter and posing for a photo..."
Sneha turned 90 degrees in a very obvious way...
"Hush...he shouldn't notice us...look at me...can't you do a thing subtly?" - I complained in a very irritated tone...
"Aww so cute they look together...", she was all purring even to notice that I was scolding her...I scowled.
"You know them?" - she was trying to get serious now.
"Yeah, he used to be my best friend in college", I said nonchalantly.
Her eyebrows got raised to almost touch her hairline...and girlish curiosity took over.
"That lady there...with the camera...is she the wife?"
"Not sure, never met the wife, haven't even seen her photo..."
Poor Sneha almost had a face without an eyebrow now...she looked so funny trying to analyze my statements - that I laughed aloud. In order to stoke the fire, I added, "We stopped talking soon after he married...you see".
"Why?" - a subdued whisper was all that came out from my colleague and friend - essentially a gossip-monger, with a heart of gold. I could sense that she was totally into the story now. I didn't mind. I felt like talking.
"He said, I am growing intolerable...and also he broke his promise right?"
"What promise?" - she was now at the edge of her seat, the suspense was getting the better of her.
"He had said, he won't get married before me...", and I made a sad face.
She was puzzled now. She said, almost to herself, "So you guys were best friends, and were dating too?"
"Nah, we just fell in love for a day - different days for each of us...so it didn't work out..."
Sneha got up. She had had enough for an evening. "Baby, this needs time - too complicated for me, catch you tomorrow - husband's waiting...", and she rushed out.

We had indeed finished our snack long back - no doubt she was getting late. I continued sitting there all alone, contemplating whether I should order something else. The family out there finished their food, got up and passed my table, happily chatting, the guy never bothering to glance my way. I didn't care to hide my face.

Why should I? He never knew me. What I told Sneha was just a practical joke - to be honest, I don't even remember when I last met my best friend. Not in the last 10 years.

Ode to my most popular entry...

অভিমান
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

আমার কথাটি ফুরোলো,
নটে গাছটি মুরোলো,
নিরুদ্দেশের পথেই কোথাও -
স্বপ্নগুলো হারালো।

স্বপ্নগুলো নিহত।
শরীর মনের এ ক্ষত -
তোমার স্নেহের শীতল স্পর্শে
একটু যদি  জুড়োতো ?
বৃষ্টি হত অল্প স্বল্প ,
আবছা আঁধারে অনেক গল্প;
এসব ইচ্ছে এখন অতীত,
মৃত্যু কূপে নির্বিকল্প।

অসম্ভবের কল্পনা -
আর কখনো করবনা,
একলা আমি একাই থাকি;
তোমার ও হাত ধরবো না।