The last week has been nothing short of terrible. There has been so much of pressure. Pressure of winning the battle. Of restoring my ego. Of taking revenge of selfish elements that won't even let me mourn in peace.
I have never been this shrewd, ever before in my life. For once I wanted to hurt back - because people shouldn't ever feel they have the right to hurt me and get away with it...only because I can't always manage to hide the fact that I am already broken. So finally I have won the ego battle. Blasted the guy who had this buttering tendency I was talking about in an earlier entry. Sycophant...even learned the proper English word. He had the guts to call me a peer...a guy who is 11 years younger than me and has none of my professional capabilities. This is where life has brought me...my wish to live life my way...so how could I not fight tooth and nail in order to disprove this terrible realization?
I don't feel like celebrating my victory though...you celebrate a victory only when you have some respect for the opponent. Remember Hector and Achilles? You don't really jump with joy when you've killed a mosquito or a cockroach, do you? Yes, believe it or not, I am capable of this much hatred.
I guess so much hatred has arisen from experiencing the pain my friend feels. From understanding that pain, from not being able to do anything to save him from feeling that pain. That I have felt that pain too doesn't help him in any way. He is too proud a soul to accept my help. I feel so bitter that the world has brought this unto him. As much as I have my helplessness, I have this smoldering ache on not being able to heal his wounds. That he'd get ruined and people hell bent on not acknowledging their worthlessness will keep winning games they don't even deserve to play...is not acceptable to me. I fight against this disparity...
When I can't handle it anymore, I look at the pictures taken by him, I watch his favorite songs in youtube...but I don't allow myself this liberty, luxury always...it doesn't matter...my love doesn't really matter...I just pray to God all the time that my ego doesn't come between us...that I don't become like them who have hurt him...
এক এক সময় মা পাখি হতে ভালো লাগে - অসহায় লাগে, মনে হয় একটু আদর আমিও পাই, কিন্তু স্বার্থপর হতে ইচ্ছে হয় না, মনে হয় শুধু ভালবাসি :) ...
You know why? Because, way I like your favorite songs, you like mine too...ok...just 1/3 of them :) :)
I have never been this shrewd, ever before in my life. For once I wanted to hurt back - because people shouldn't ever feel they have the right to hurt me and get away with it...only because I can't always manage to hide the fact that I am already broken. So finally I have won the ego battle. Blasted the guy who had this buttering tendency I was talking about in an earlier entry. Sycophant...even learned the proper English word. He had the guts to call me a peer...a guy who is 11 years younger than me and has none of my professional capabilities. This is where life has brought me...my wish to live life my way...so how could I not fight tooth and nail in order to disprove this terrible realization?
I don't feel like celebrating my victory though...you celebrate a victory only when you have some respect for the opponent. Remember Hector and Achilles? You don't really jump with joy when you've killed a mosquito or a cockroach, do you? Yes, believe it or not, I am capable of this much hatred.
I guess so much hatred has arisen from experiencing the pain my friend feels. From understanding that pain, from not being able to do anything to save him from feeling that pain. That I have felt that pain too doesn't help him in any way. He is too proud a soul to accept my help. I feel so bitter that the world has brought this unto him. As much as I have my helplessness, I have this smoldering ache on not being able to heal his wounds. That he'd get ruined and people hell bent on not acknowledging their worthlessness will keep winning games they don't even deserve to play...is not acceptable to me. I fight against this disparity...
When I can't handle it anymore, I look at the pictures taken by him, I watch his favorite songs in youtube...but I don't allow myself this liberty, luxury always...it doesn't matter...my love doesn't really matter...I just pray to God all the time that my ego doesn't come between us...that I don't become like them who have hurt him...
এক এক সময় মা পাখি হতে ভালো লাগে - অসহায় লাগে, মনে হয় একটু আদর আমিও পাই, কিন্তু স্বার্থপর হতে ইচ্ছে হয় না, মনে হয় শুধু ভালবাসি :) ...
You know why? Because, way I like your favorite songs, you like mine too...ok...just 1/3 of them :) :)
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