Have you ever felt the very subtle kind of irritation: No, I don't feel like doing anything whatsoever anymore...?
No, the morning was definitely not like that. But let's begin from last night. Or probably give a backdrop.
Way I talk about uprooting a tree, I kinda uprooted a problem that was bothering me for a while. Kolkata, when I came back jobless, was lonely. I had that once upon a time boyfriend, who used to call me frequently, and suddenly I realized that he's after all, taking advantage of me once again. I am weak and unsure and insecure, and he is trying to gain leverage. I stopped talking with him. Then, apart from couple of school friends (Ananya, Pamela and basically the list ends there) and once in a while chat with my long distance friends (in Bangalore, in the US), there were no friends. Only struggle for existence. And then came the job. And subsequent reunions - with folks I knew from the department. And I accepted their friendship, the once upon a time boyfriend included, though I clarified my stand in precise terms. There are all specimens among my (so called) friends. One of them had insisted he'd rent me one of those DVDs (in our college days, just so that I could check out the stuff) because in his opinion, (watching) it gives you absolute calm and takes away all your worries (therapeutic, I must say). My answer: thanks, but no thanks, I live with my parents and I can't spoil the environment of my home...There was one more, who had actually touched me inappropriately inside the computer lab, and when I was debating with myself whether to take it up with him or if that was purely unintentional, he came up to me and asked, "how did you feel?" Trust me, at this point of time I really don't remember how I answered him, but since the stuff doesn't really weigh on my mind, I guess I had answered him in a tit for tat way (pun intended).
After our reunion, I kinda accepted back the very same people in my life, not close friends, but friends alright. We formed a Whatsapp group, and good morning and good night messages would come in. Ask a lonely soul like me, you'd get to know how those very small messages can make you feel in touch with the human society. I was never very interactive (except with the "undefined" guy - and though I feel almost all the time that I am forcing myself on him - but still I feel a natural ease with him, and an occasional outburst with Asha or Deepti or Ananya or Seema or Anitha - my girl friends who basically know me well as a person, I can't be too expressive, and yes let's leave my ex-es out of the list - which girl doesn't talk with her guy?)
And then those jokes started floating, first a little polished, then crude, then absolutely blatant. I started feeling uncomfortable. Not knowing what to do, I mentioned it to the "undefined" gentleman. No response as usual. I talked with my once upon a time boyfriend. "I'll see what I can do, you don't post anything to the group for a while" - and then he requested the guys to add another girl (married) from our batch. There were protests - oh her husband will object to the things we talk about. Talk about shamelessness. And my so called counselor gave a smiley (a smiley!!!) on hearing this. Of course, I don't have a husband, so I am a soft target. Even after this (imagine the extent to which I am tolerant and friendless, both), I observed the situation for one full week. Yesterday I moved out of the group. Without saying a word, and deleted all the conversations from the group as well. There was a message from the admin guy (the "how did you feel" guy) - asking me why I left...I ignored the message.
Afterwards, the night was beautiful. I feel good when I prove to myself that I am a strong girl. Must have been seeing some pleasant dreams when the door opened and the maid stepped in. "What time is it?", I asked lazily, reaching out for my phone. "Oh, it is just 7:30, I came early today..." and I went back to sleep. Once again some more dreams (I never remember good dreams after I wake up, if it has some dark streak, then only I can recollect), and then I finally go down for breakfast. It was always supposed to be a lazy Sunday. And in my over-imagination, it was supposed to be a happy Sunday too...then why this irritation? Is the untimely heat getting on my nerves, or the low internet speed, or for once, I want you to be something other than "undefined"? I don't know if you'd be happy losing me, but I definitely won't want to lose my only friend...on whom, I force myself, whatever, I never feel I am being a burden...
Please don't take away my only lease of life...
No, the morning was definitely not like that. But let's begin from last night. Or probably give a backdrop.
Way I talk about uprooting a tree, I kinda uprooted a problem that was bothering me for a while. Kolkata, when I came back jobless, was lonely. I had that once upon a time boyfriend, who used to call me frequently, and suddenly I realized that he's after all, taking advantage of me once again. I am weak and unsure and insecure, and he is trying to gain leverage. I stopped talking with him. Then, apart from couple of school friends (Ananya, Pamela and basically the list ends there) and once in a while chat with my long distance friends (in Bangalore, in the US), there were no friends. Only struggle for existence. And then came the job. And subsequent reunions - with folks I knew from the department. And I accepted their friendship, the once upon a time boyfriend included, though I clarified my stand in precise terms. There are all specimens among my (so called) friends. One of them had insisted he'd rent me one of those DVDs (in our college days, just so that I could check out the stuff) because in his opinion, (watching) it gives you absolute calm and takes away all your worries (therapeutic, I must say). My answer: thanks, but no thanks, I live with my parents and I can't spoil the environment of my home...There was one more, who had actually touched me inappropriately inside the computer lab, and when I was debating with myself whether to take it up with him or if that was purely unintentional, he came up to me and asked, "how did you feel?" Trust me, at this point of time I really don't remember how I answered him, but since the stuff doesn't really weigh on my mind, I guess I had answered him in a tit for tat way (pun intended).
After our reunion, I kinda accepted back the very same people in my life, not close friends, but friends alright. We formed a Whatsapp group, and good morning and good night messages would come in. Ask a lonely soul like me, you'd get to know how those very small messages can make you feel in touch with the human society. I was never very interactive (except with the "undefined" guy - and though I feel almost all the time that I am forcing myself on him - but still I feel a natural ease with him, and an occasional outburst with Asha or Deepti or Ananya or Seema or Anitha - my girl friends who basically know me well as a person, I can't be too expressive, and yes let's leave my ex-es out of the list - which girl doesn't talk with her guy?)
And then those jokes started floating, first a little polished, then crude, then absolutely blatant. I started feeling uncomfortable. Not knowing what to do, I mentioned it to the "undefined" gentleman. No response as usual. I talked with my once upon a time boyfriend. "I'll see what I can do, you don't post anything to the group for a while" - and then he requested the guys to add another girl (married) from our batch. There were protests - oh her husband will object to the things we talk about. Talk about shamelessness. And my so called counselor gave a smiley (a smiley!!!) on hearing this. Of course, I don't have a husband, so I am a soft target. Even after this (imagine the extent to which I am tolerant and friendless, both), I observed the situation for one full week. Yesterday I moved out of the group. Without saying a word, and deleted all the conversations from the group as well. There was a message from the admin guy (the "how did you feel" guy) - asking me why I left...I ignored the message.
Afterwards, the night was beautiful. I feel good when I prove to myself that I am a strong girl. Must have been seeing some pleasant dreams when the door opened and the maid stepped in. "What time is it?", I asked lazily, reaching out for my phone. "Oh, it is just 7:30, I came early today..." and I went back to sleep. Once again some more dreams (I never remember good dreams after I wake up, if it has some dark streak, then only I can recollect), and then I finally go down for breakfast. It was always supposed to be a lazy Sunday. And in my over-imagination, it was supposed to be a happy Sunday too...then why this irritation? Is the untimely heat getting on my nerves, or the low internet speed, or for once, I want you to be something other than "undefined"? I don't know if you'd be happy losing me, but I definitely won't want to lose my only friend...on whom, I force myself, whatever, I never feel I am being a burden...
Please don't take away my only lease of life...
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