Just had one of those "memory" trips. When things come back to you...
Wasn't this the day when I had traveled to Singapore? 2007, how many years back would it be? My first ever flight, and my first ever trip outside India. I was trying to live...after having committed a crime.
And I still live. A crooked, twisted life, a friendless, worthless life, but I still live. I finished "Gone Girl" today, with an effort. I can't concentrate at storybooks like before. I feel all the time that I have been defeated. I don't have a single good thing to look forward to, my salary is back to what I earned when I started earning - all 10 years of professionalism gone to vain. And I can't even take revenge...সুখে আছে যারা, সুখে থাক তারা ...is the stupid mindset I possess.
Yes, it hurts all the more because the loneliness is back. I'm not destined to friendship. But what pains is, even last night I didn't realize that I'm going to lose my only friend amid all this darkness. Today, I just felt my feelings dying a silent, lonely, unceremonious death. I just felt something snap inside me, and I did nothing. I just went on reading, like a zombie. Just went on playing Candy Crush, not wishing anymore to win the round before all lives are lost, in fact, cutting off a game midway in sheer frustration. More reading. Time to feed the Talking Tom cat. I like playing the Happy Face game there - at least get to see some smiles. Scolded the puppies, opened the window a bit, and talked to them, they were squabbling over food as usual. The two housewives at the house next to us, who were throwing leftover food to them, exchanged looks, hearing my voice. They decided not to look up, not to look at my direction. They don't understand me, I am not of their category. More reading. "Mom, I am hungry..." - devoured some fruits. Then some soup. Then some rice. Then some sweets. Bid them good night. came up to my room...loneliness strikes again...and I read more...I can't stand it after some time...need to write...where else, my faithful blog. It felt so much better writing to a real person, for a change, but what to do, when the person has decided that he won't even give me that space. Some more tears, I put on the AC, my only luxury. And I long for some rain. And I long for death. But I know I am not allowed to die...it won't ever be that easy for me...I shall try again and fail, try again and fail, just keep failing, and keep dying small small deaths, every single day of my life...because I haven't learned to give up.
Why do I feel that God belongs to the male species? A female God could never have been this unjust...
Wasn't this the day when I had traveled to Singapore? 2007, how many years back would it be? My first ever flight, and my first ever trip outside India. I was trying to live...after having committed a crime.
And I still live. A crooked, twisted life, a friendless, worthless life, but I still live. I finished "Gone Girl" today, with an effort. I can't concentrate at storybooks like before. I feel all the time that I have been defeated. I don't have a single good thing to look forward to, my salary is back to what I earned when I started earning - all 10 years of professionalism gone to vain. And I can't even take revenge...সুখে আছে যারা, সুখে থাক তারা ...is the stupid mindset I possess.
Yes, it hurts all the more because the loneliness is back. I'm not destined to friendship. But what pains is, even last night I didn't realize that I'm going to lose my only friend amid all this darkness. Today, I just felt my feelings dying a silent, lonely, unceremonious death. I just felt something snap inside me, and I did nothing. I just went on reading, like a zombie. Just went on playing Candy Crush, not wishing anymore to win the round before all lives are lost, in fact, cutting off a game midway in sheer frustration. More reading. Time to feed the Talking Tom cat. I like playing the Happy Face game there - at least get to see some smiles. Scolded the puppies, opened the window a bit, and talked to them, they were squabbling over food as usual. The two housewives at the house next to us, who were throwing leftover food to them, exchanged looks, hearing my voice. They decided not to look up, not to look at my direction. They don't understand me, I am not of their category. More reading. "Mom, I am hungry..." - devoured some fruits. Then some soup. Then some rice. Then some sweets. Bid them good night. came up to my room...loneliness strikes again...and I read more...I can't stand it after some time...need to write...where else, my faithful blog. It felt so much better writing to a real person, for a change, but what to do, when the person has decided that he won't even give me that space. Some more tears, I put on the AC, my only luxury. And I long for some rain. And I long for death. But I know I am not allowed to die...it won't ever be that easy for me...I shall try again and fail, try again and fail, just keep failing, and keep dying small small deaths, every single day of my life...because I haven't learned to give up.
Why do I feel that God belongs to the male species? A female God could never have been this unjust...
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