I got to know how it feels like...walking against the wind. With the sweeping, whistling wind roughly brushing your face, almost bruising you. You brace yourself and crouch down. You don't want to give up, but you bend before the invincible.
Songs are a wonderful creation on this earth. Songs give you protection and strength, as nothing else would.
উঠে
দাঁড়ালেন যেমন দাঁড়ায় বন্দিনী এক বাঘিনী চিতা,
চিড়িয়াখানায় অসহায় তবু উঠে
দাঁড়ানোয় অপরাজিতা।
Suman as usual. But there are times, when all music stops. You feel a mirthless laughter at facts of life, such as, there was a time when you liked romantic movies. হারানো সুর gave you hope and faith. Now the same হারানো সুর CD seems like a piece of junk. Where is hope, where is faith? Where is justice on earth? Why doesn't God consent to choice? I am a simple girl, never wanted too many things for myself. I just wanted the freedom of choice. Why does choice elude so much? I had chosen him seeing his care for me. I have written in this very blog, that he protects me like a mother bird. Can you expect this mail from that same person?
"I am writing this email, without reading any of yours as usual.....
first point sorry... for shouting for no reason of yours... i had a very
bad head ache because of the heat and was trying to sleep when u called. That
just does not justify me shouting at someone, so sorry....I understand the
amount of care that u take and move over me... honestly to tell u . i am not
worth it..and i dont want it.. and i dont like it.. the only way
that you can save yourself from not being more hurt is to distance yourself
from me.. its not about u .. its the way i am.. i dont like any
one to disturb me..... Its a simple factor... when i want to be alone.. i
want to be alone.. .. i dont like any of them who come and keep saying. they
like me...care for me and all the non-sense...i am sure you can supply all this
and more to someone who really understands and appreciates you....
i am sure u will say.. all u wanted was just
to call me..but in that case you should have stopped when i cut
it for the first .. atleast second.. or the third time.. Its not my
intension to hurt someone, but i am given no option but to do things which i hate
to do.... so much of your life revolves over my presence i think.. and as u
know for me nothing like that... we all have a life to live.. and you will
live one to the best of it.. don’t screw it by being with people like
me.... i have seriously written this in the best intension of yours..
now.. please dont call to explain.. or to analyse... or to scold .. or
especially to tell how u r feeling and to cry.....or to understand what i am
feeling.....i am not in a mood to talk of anything.. i have got enough things
in my plate to deal with...
cheerss.."
Because he has been kind to me once upon a time, did I ever dream about us being together. For the past one year, all I am trying to do is to save this relationship. A relationship which only I want, he doesn't, he has no need. I can't describe the humiliation, the nothingness that followed. For the first time in my life, I contemplated suicide in a most unemotional way. I didn't care that my Citibank account doesn't have a nominee. I didn't care that I am yet to get my last onsite money encashed. I did remember mom's face a couple of times, remembered how she is already depressed over her sister's death and what my death would do to her, but in a very neutral and impartial way. I tried to think what the view of my dead body would do to my brother, the kid whom I have been saving from the harshness of the world all these years. I did, but as a third person. As myself, I wanted to die. With all the practicality in my mind. Gave myself small small instructions, check your credit card expenses and pre pay. Also telephone costs will be high, you've made a lot of ISD calls. Check the same. It is ok, after some complication your family will inherit your money. Even if they don't they will survive. You cannot survive anymore, you must die. Almost impassively, I was planning the effectiveness of my death, as a scientist, I was thinking of precision, and even rejoicing and congratulating myself at my innovations of devising the strategy. But that apart, In such whirlwind situations, it all comes back at the same time. Your humiliations, your insults, loss of your respect.
In our subsequent discussions, I liked two things that I said...
"
only thing I can tell u is if u wish me happiness, be a man n give it urself, don't be a coward and pray for me to be happy with someone else."
and
"I really don't ask for much boo boo
just some assurance...that u'll not leave me like the others have...
I lose all my value in my own eyes then
and I lose ur value too...
I lose everything"
Yes I lose my value. I have never thought of breaking my relationships. Instead I have forgiven. Forgiven time and again. Which has been my greatest mistake by far. And I remember those inhuman beings who have taken advantage of my weakness. Not Boo. My Boo is not inhuman. I understand Boo. I don't blame him. After what he has gone through, this is only a natural reaction. But yes, had I been in his shoes, I would have valued someone who is trying this much. That is because, may be I still haven't given up on God. Perhaps he has. Only people who don't have God with them, can hurt. So, am I this sadhu mahatma, who has never hurt anybody? No I have. I have done wrong in my life, have hurt people, have ignored, pained, and have lost my virtues in various ways. But God has always punished me for my sins, then and there. I have done mistakes, and I realize my mistakes. And I value God's gifts, even His torments.
The fighter that I am, I am not really giving up as yet. To sum up, তোমার অসীমে keeps me alive today. Just listen to it, and the God-gifted voice of this dynamic lady, who even beyond her death, inculcates strength through her most outstanding virtue, the boldness of her voice, which she has endowed in its entirety in worshiping Tagore and his faith. That God exists, this fact only keeps me alive today. It is a miracle, which Godless people won't be able to perceive. Just listen to it, I don't have words to translate it at this moment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v44QgoAk0j0
It is impossible that my love for him was not affected. It had to be. He wants it to lessen, perhaps obliterate so desperately, that I had no way out, but to comply. I also understand, I must do away with my fears. After I am born in this world, and till I die, I am not supposed to ask the question "Why me?" I am to accept.
Today, very strangely, I almost yielded to the desire of having jackfruit. Which I had given up after Rupai's death, in his memory, it being my favorite fruit. If the fruit salad I ordered for dinner would have had jackfruit in it, I'd have eaten it. Today, for once, I wanted to liberate myself from that incident. Tell me baby, what am I supposed to do? I find no way out...I can never do justice to your memory, I can't live on like this vegetable anymore. They call me stubborn baby, they ask me to move on. They don't understand the humiliation of telling it all to another person, all over again, with the hope of acceptance and forgiving. As I said, my only two mistakes in life is, I want choice and transparency. Baby, I have suffered way too much after you left. If you feel it is enough, help me. You are with God, you are God's angel, help me out.
After two torturous days of holiday, tomorrow, I have to go out and face the world again. Frankly speaking I don't have the strength. I will try.
