Pursuit of sorrow...

That is what life has become all about...whatever measures I'll try to take...all would go in vain. The sorrow would creep in from somewhere. I am now clueless. I don't know what to do. I can't write...I don't know how to express myself. In all this time...when I have been tried and tested and turned down by life time and again, I never felt so helpless. This time...I do. I simply don't know how to survive. 

Back to square one...

I feel lonely. Amidst my usual existence, small problems in life...I don't feel his presence anymore. I don't feel I have that friend whom I can count on. He seems to be too much preoccupied, too much reluctant to care for me. I am not upset though. I am not afraid of my solitary existence. I still cook amazing chicken. Cooking, eating, washing clothes and cleaning utensils take up a big chunk of my time. I have brought along a couple of interesting novels...reading then is good past time too. Besides I have work. Work, about which I don't feel all that confident though, but you have to keep trying. Rabi Thakur bole gachhen...du bela morar aage morbo na bhai morbo na...ami bhoy korbo na...so I keep trying. I don't fear the worst. In fact, tell me, what can be worst in a life full of negative things. Anyways I don't have a future. Anyways, today, I don't know if I shall live 2 more months, let alone another year. So what is the big deal?
I know I have become a little fake. My smile looks fake...my intentions look fake. I am not as serious about work as I used to be. Only reason is...I very well know how much I am eroded from within. I can't just yet show it to the world. So I have to resort to this falsehood. And me being the perfect Sagittarian...though the internal pain is camouflaged, that I am acting becomes obvious. People see more hidden intention behind the act. When is the end of this journey I don't know. Neither do I care. I know what is in store for me. A big NOTHING. So I am not worried.
Eyebrows are always a problem in Europe. I never shaped my eyebrows before 2009 November. They naturally had good shape. Problem is...now that I have done, and since I have this Poirot like habit of things being prim and proper, I start fretting as soon as stay hairs would threat my eyebrow shape. And I don't know a place where they'd thread here. Waxing or tweezers, none seem a good enough option. My poor eyebrows, I hate to look at my face. Most of the negativity you read in the first two paragraphs, rose from the eyebrows. I wish I had some homemade solution.
From day after tomorrow the new workshops start.  I am irritated to say the least. I am not well prepared. I am scared. I feel lonely. Back to square one :)

Finally April came...and went away...

How do I tell what I am going through? Neither do I know why all these things are happening at the same time. I just hope amidst this chaos, at least I am able to finish my work respectively.
Even with my so called excellent writing skills, it would be difficult to describe just what happened. And would it be correct to write about it? I don't know.
I guess it is best to put it bluntly. A guy was seated beside me during my flight to Dubai. A Bengali guy. We started talking, identified common thoughts and the conversation went deeper. I was in no particular mood. I love talking and I just talked. I never wanted to trigger what happened next. The guy suddenly blurted out that he is attracted towards me. He said he likes my eyes. His behavior kind of reminded me of Boo in October. He looked desperate. He was blinded with emotion and passion. And I wondered, can anyone like me? What do I have, no beauty, no brain. He wanted to hold my hand. When I said no, he defied me and held my hand. I had to stop him, telling about my commitments. Commitments to a person, who might never do anything for me. To cut a long story short, we shook hands and parted ways in the airport. He did say he will write to me, add me in facebook etc, but two days have gone by and he's done nothing of that sort. So I guess he was not serious and it was all a practical joke. But still, there was something quaint about the joke. What if all your dreams come true at the same moment? If not your dreams but your parents' and relatives' and friends' dreams about you...a guy from my state, educated and well to do, just the right age, good looking and smart, and over that supposedly crazy about me. I kind of felt, God gave me this one chance and I have forsaken it. I have lost it forever. In one moment, everything flashed in front of my eyes, my entire lost life. My baby, or babies, my family, loving in laws, happy parents, frequent outings, a dainty house with a car in front...everything that I will probably never be able to achieve...trust me, it was a biggest pain I went through in the last couple of days.
But now I don't feel bad anymore. My life is supposed to be like this only. Whimsical, aimless, blank. I guess time has neared when Boo will also leave me and move on with life. There are reasons why I feel this or tell this. God had given me a chance to know him. To support him. To bring him back to reality. To give him confidence. I guess I am done with my duties. So it is time to go. I am prepared for everything. Even if I am not prepared, I shall endure. If I am not able to endure, I shall become crazy or die. Doesn't matter. My life is not important. After what I have done, I don't deserve a life. Period.
And ya...today's entry reflects my exact state of mind. I know it is not right to even think about all these. But then what do you do when you are in a relationship with a person, who is hell bent on not reciprocating? With whom you can't dream of a future together. I still love him the most on earth, but...ya I went through these thoughts and cravings. I just stated it here...treat this as my confession. 

The imminent uprooting...and realizations

Life is a fun thing. You never know what all you get to learn. And, just when life presents the opportunity to learn new things. Like...I never thought I'd become a travel desk person. Understand the nuances of flight booking. How, when, where, at what price, how many stop overs, what is the total flight duration. Everything has a say...in prolonging my self styled holiday. A few more hours of my stay with my parents. So I had to become an expert in this. In this too.
Being personal, and not being personal at the same time. I once commented about a HR colleague, that I can do her work better than her, besides doing my own work, but she can't do her own work...let alone even try to do my work. True that God didn't care to give me anything much, be He's given me loads of intelligence. That, added to sensitivity and an uncanny sixth sense can often do wonders. I am not skilled. I don't know an ounce of banking, honestly speaking. I am dull, I couldn't even clear few banking interviews - got stuck up at complex interest related questions. (And probably I demanded too much salary). But then, I have been acting successfully as a banking consultant for a year and a half now. My management and client management both consider me as a trump card. I don't know anything. But I understand fast, I learn faster. And I present well. But wait, why is this turning out to be a self boosting (read boasting) session? Because, tomorrow I am going to commit another so called blasphemy (considering I worship my work - and the money that comes out of it - I guess this is quite an apt word). I am going to tell them...in case you don't find a suitable 1 stop ticket from my place, then defer the project. Somehow...all these days I have been pining to travel. Now when it is time, I somehow don't feel like leaving this cocoon. the simple acts of serving ice cream to granny, disturbing mom during her cooking and writing gibberish poetry in dad's diary...hey come on...priceless is not a word bought by mastercard, right? I can use it personally also...
Having read entire collection of Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot, Feluda and Byomkesh also helps a lot. I know what they will say. Come back to Bangalore. For I being the intelligent me, already checked that there is no dearth of tickets from Bangalore. At times I do realize socio economic facts too. Kolkata is a metro in the proper sense of the term. Bangalore is not. Kolkata caters to the entire north east and all kinds of industries. Bangalore caters only to IT. Nobody takes these statistics, but they are present all the same.
Today, I was craving for moghlai paratha. One of my very favorite food, which is very rarely available in Bangalore. So I went out with dad, and was sitting on a chair kept near a road side stall, as the young boy prepared my delicious food. I observe small, subtle things. I asked him, with a lot of doubt, is moghlai paratha available? (two other established brand shops had already denied). Yes, he said, egg, chicken, what? In the same doubtful voice I asked...which one would be better? He thinks and answers, didi, should I make a special one for you? (it was not said in a funny tone, it was said with a lot of care). I said, special...how much would it cost? He borrows my doubtful tone now...50 Rs it'd be...I break into a smile and say, please prepare one.
50 Rs...hardly has value for me. For him, it is probably his entire day's earning. What he will earn with a lifetime of effort, I have earned probably in my first year of service. Still, he can stay in my city, probably with his parents. I cannot. I act like a musafir, come and go. Unaccustomed earth, trying to find root, again getting uprooted. I love this city. Dad bought this mourola fish (small tiny fishes which u can cook in three ways, hot & spicy, fry and sour gravy). Now there was this young boy (as in my age only) who was there. He said, I will prepare the fish (cut and clean), it will taste awesome. As he was working on the fish, his father came up. They were a bit concerned, there was an hour to go before their last train, and there was a lot to be sold still. He asked my dad what time it is and consoled his dad...there is still time enough to sell everything, don't worry. Dad started bargaining with his dad, meaningless bargain...which both sides knew was only for time pass. Then dad suddenly remembered and asked me, do we take green mango, your mom can make the sour gravy then. No dad, I emphatically said...I don't like the sour gravy, I like only the fry. 5 minutes later, the fishmonger guy is done with his work, hands over the fish, takes the money and says, huh, I can finish my entire rice with the sour gravy (mourola-r tak diye to aamar puro bhaat uthe jaye). I was laughing so much while coming back. Here breaks the barrier between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat, that too in such a sweetly taunting way. This is my Bengal, this is my heart's dearest Kolkata.
They are celebrating 20 years of Suman's Tomaake Chai. To me, it is 20 years of learning for the first time, aah, this is my kind of music :) :) 

Long lazy summer days...

It is quite nice to work from home. The biggest headache is the internet speed. And then the intranet servers are not accessible – creates a lot of difficulty, in times of need. But whatever it be, how else can you get the comfort of tasting mom’s yummy cooking in the lunch time. And how else do you avoid loss of pay, when your leaves are over and you are in no mood to return to Bangalore.
It is a rather lazy time…what with the summer sun glaring, the imminent travel, and the overall lack of direction of life. There’s not much spice also. Today morning, however, I found lot of spice. Firstly with the decision of freezing salary hike by a leading Indian MNC (feel like laughing out aloud - Raavan ishtyle), second was Hate Story.
What to say about the first point...I really didn't know. All I can say is, I quite relished the cribbing of the prisoners, who chose to remain in the prison from where I found a way of escaping. See I am still being body shopped in the name of consultancy. That's the way Indian IT industry works. We can't help it. So why not look for additional comfort and benefits for yourself. Making money is the most important thing at this stage in life, right? Brand value and all won't give me my dinner :) and over that, if I am given flexibility and new responsibilities, and a happy working environment, where I have friends, and where I am more or less appreciated, what else do I want?
Hate Story is a film that arouses my curiosity after a long time. Mainly because of the leading lady. And this tells me, there is a transformation from 2011 September me to 2012 April me. Last year, I was not in a position to appreciate her boldness, I was rather criticizing, or pretending to ignore - ha ha...I still believed in "good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". He has changed my life. Our whirlwind romance is still, by far, the greatest thrill in my life. And then there are other subtle things. One day, we were having lunch in Arsalan (Kolkata biriyani - my favorite). Now as usual, we were observing people around. He saw some Bengali ladies wearing sleeveless. I was wearing a long sleeve kurta that day. He chuckled and said...hiding skin is far more attractive than showing skin. Couple of days I went on like that...then I gave up. Personally I simply love wearing sleeveless dresses. First time after that, I went out with him in a bit of a revealing dress, I said, I know you don't like, but this is how I am comfortable. He said, candidly, when did I say I didn't like. The last party we went to, I was wearing this sleeveless navy blue dress and he a navy blue T and jeans. He was quite romantic that day, told me, you are looking too good today. I said...how come we end up wearing the same color without planning for it? He said..kick you :) :)
I can't stop talking about him. The way he has touched me most is by his acceptance and allowance of freedom. Both of us simply love our freedom. We can compromise with anything else but not this. And after a long time I am happy. Read this:

me: u remember u only told me in one of ur romantic moods...that I shdn't go to US coz its very far away...otherwise wherever else I go...u'll come over...to meet me :)
He: its not romantic.. mood.
i still say the same :)
me: ok... and I still believe u :)
He: done

I told you our friendship is coming back :) I can't tell you how blissful I feel.

Ok now we were talking about Hate Story right. Not my stupid affair with a nonsense person. Well...now what's wrong. See, she is an educated girl, and she is doing what she feels like doing. It is a new era altogether. Nobody can stop anybody else. And what is the big harm in sexuality? In fact I find it rather interesting. Once it was the only weakness of girls, and men used to take advantage. Now it is the other way round. Cycle is completed and tables are turned. Nice, na?

I have become confident to the extent of being ruthless. I don't beg around anymore. Destiny is an ever imposing thing. If you take it in your stride, you have beaten 90% of your problem.

By the way, watched Bhooter Bhabishyat. Lovely movie. I was telling dad, when we were growing up, Bengali movie was in such a stage, that this modern range of film makers (who seem to be my age or younger) have learnt to cook in their own style so as satisfy their film appetite. Can't still believe such wonderful movies are being made these days. Way to go. And ya, once again... Calcutta...Calcutta... all I want is to come back to Calcutta...

My Boo Boo...

At times...I feel as if I have to write...nothing but bringing my heart out will give me peace...
There are days when things just keep happening. You do not have a control on them. Today was one of those days. In fact it started from last night. I logged in gmail, and saw him online...err sorry...busy. I kept doing the essential work, trying to ignore the fact that in few minutes it will be me who'll ping him, for he never can care to ping me. And then...I find him pinging...

I shall quote just the first 4 lines of our chat...

he: oh my god... i have to hide.. someone is online :)
me: ya plz I am pretending that I haven't seen u yet :)
he: who said the some one is you ? :)
me: its implicit

We haven't chatted like this for ages...way we were earlier...just friends...very good friends...best friends...

I was still confused, yet happy, when I woke up in the morning. Had lots of work...over that mom was sick. There was complete chaos in mind. Started working like that only...and things kind of fell in place. Some issues were resolved, some remain open...but still...most of them worked out well. I never knew work from home will be allowed so easily. I can stay home for 4 more days before I travel. These things were good. Ananya visited in the evening and I played with her daughter in the nearby park...that was awesome. I guess pent up is the word. I have left such a lot of things pent up within me. My emotions, my affections. My energy level, my convincing abilities. And today was a vent out day. At times things just have to fall in place, there is no other alternative.

Something left me seething with anger in the night. Here he is toiling away all day, and there his so called friends are busy making fun of him in Facebook. Arre leave him alone, how much do you guys know about him? Isn't this absolutely unjust, that people turn out to be this harmful and this heartless. Arre if you want to have fun, do it at your own expense, why bring in someone else? Me and him...we are not privileged people. We had to earn, even fake the few smiles we have had on our face. Well, people needn't understand that, but they can just leave us alone, right?

I feel, in God's world everything is weighed correctly. Someday, we two shall have a blissful life, when these fun loving guys realize what pain means. Humor is good so long as it doesn't cross the limit. And how do you know when it crosses the limit? Well, why else did God make you a human, with a beating heart?

But amidst these thoughts, I realized something else too. I gathered just how much oneness I feel with him these days, that I am taking his personal things so very personally. Now, he definitely is a part of my small world...very much a part...

Point of no return...

To think...this is my blog since 2007, and have I ever, for a single time even, written here...that I love Madan Mohan compositions?
Once in a while I feel as if it is not my life that I'm living. Have I ever lived for myself? Why do I need to take this load? Challenge at every step...more than that, fear of failure? Crap...did Dev and Maya ever fear about losing each other? Did they ever have to act with each other? Bring up excuses, to talk or not to talk? They were there to share each other's problem, it was never a bloody one sided persuasion.
I feel useless. I don't serve any purpose. Life is all about giving shape to dreams. I am ok about selfless servitude, if at all I have some dream to give shape. Not my dreams, at least his.
I go through this constant dilemma. Then I look at our photo. Perhaps the sweetest couple on earth, even if I try to judge neutrally. And he'd do nothing for our relationship. Be a kid. Do whatever he feels like. Try to stick on to his past. Cause me ample pain, and more. Isn't my lonely existence far better than this?
I have this throbbing pain in my head. And I listen to Lata and Madan Mohan masterpieces. I read some book or the other (Shiva Trilogy, then The Sins of the Father, followed by Argumentative Indian) and somehow keep myself alive. I feel this is better. Living for myself. Else there seems to be no point...no point...