How do I tell what I am going through? Neither do I know why all these things are happening at the same time. I just hope amidst this chaos, at least I am able to finish my work respectively.
Even with my so called excellent writing skills, it would be difficult to describe just what happened. And would it be correct to write about it? I don't know.
I guess it is best to put it bluntly. A guy was seated beside me during my flight to Dubai. A Bengali guy. We started talking, identified common thoughts and the conversation went deeper. I was in no particular mood. I love talking and I just talked. I never wanted to trigger what happened next. The guy suddenly blurted out that he is attracted towards me. He said he likes my eyes. His behavior kind of reminded me of Boo in October. He looked desperate. He was blinded with emotion and passion. And I wondered, can anyone like me? What do I have, no beauty, no brain. He wanted to hold my hand. When I said no, he defied me and held my hand. I had to stop him, telling about my commitments. Commitments to a person, who might never do anything for me. To cut a long story short, we shook hands and parted ways in the airport. He did say he will write to me, add me in facebook etc, but two days have gone by and he's done nothing of that sort. So I guess he was not serious and it was all a practical joke. But still, there was something quaint about the joke. What if all your dreams come true at the same moment? If not your dreams but your parents' and relatives' and friends' dreams about you...a guy from my state, educated and well to do, just the right age, good looking and smart, and over that supposedly crazy about me. I kind of felt, God gave me this one chance and I have forsaken it. I have lost it forever. In one moment, everything flashed in front of my eyes, my entire lost life. My baby, or babies, my family, loving in laws, happy parents, frequent outings, a dainty house with a car in front...everything that I will probably never be able to achieve...trust me, it was a biggest pain I went through in the last couple of days.
But now I don't feel bad anymore. My life is supposed to be like this only. Whimsical, aimless, blank. I guess time has neared when Boo will also leave me and move on with life. There are reasons why I feel this or tell this. God had given me a chance to know him. To support him. To bring him back to reality. To give him confidence. I guess I am done with my duties. So it is time to go. I am prepared for everything. Even if I am not prepared, I shall endure. If I am not able to endure, I shall become crazy or die. Doesn't matter. My life is not important. After what I have done, I don't deserve a life. Period.
And ya...today's entry reflects my exact state of mind. I know it is not right to even think about all these. But then what do you do when you are in a relationship with a person, who is hell bent on not reciprocating? With whom you can't dream of a future together. I still love him the most on earth, but...ya I went through these thoughts and cravings. I just stated it here...treat this as my confession.
Even with my so called excellent writing skills, it would be difficult to describe just what happened. And would it be correct to write about it? I don't know.
I guess it is best to put it bluntly. A guy was seated beside me during my flight to Dubai. A Bengali guy. We started talking, identified common thoughts and the conversation went deeper. I was in no particular mood. I love talking and I just talked. I never wanted to trigger what happened next. The guy suddenly blurted out that he is attracted towards me. He said he likes my eyes. His behavior kind of reminded me of Boo in October. He looked desperate. He was blinded with emotion and passion. And I wondered, can anyone like me? What do I have, no beauty, no brain. He wanted to hold my hand. When I said no, he defied me and held my hand. I had to stop him, telling about my commitments. Commitments to a person, who might never do anything for me. To cut a long story short, we shook hands and parted ways in the airport. He did say he will write to me, add me in facebook etc, but two days have gone by and he's done nothing of that sort. So I guess he was not serious and it was all a practical joke. But still, there was something quaint about the joke. What if all your dreams come true at the same moment? If not your dreams but your parents' and relatives' and friends' dreams about you...a guy from my state, educated and well to do, just the right age, good looking and smart, and over that supposedly crazy about me. I kind of felt, God gave me this one chance and I have forsaken it. I have lost it forever. In one moment, everything flashed in front of my eyes, my entire lost life. My baby, or babies, my family, loving in laws, happy parents, frequent outings, a dainty house with a car in front...everything that I will probably never be able to achieve...trust me, it was a biggest pain I went through in the last couple of days.
But now I don't feel bad anymore. My life is supposed to be like this only. Whimsical, aimless, blank. I guess time has neared when Boo will also leave me and move on with life. There are reasons why I feel this or tell this. God had given me a chance to know him. To support him. To bring him back to reality. To give him confidence. I guess I am done with my duties. So it is time to go. I am prepared for everything. Even if I am not prepared, I shall endure. If I am not able to endure, I shall become crazy or die. Doesn't matter. My life is not important. After what I have done, I don't deserve a life. Period.
And ya...today's entry reflects my exact state of mind. I know it is not right to even think about all these. But then what do you do when you are in a relationship with a person, who is hell bent on not reciprocating? With whom you can't dream of a future together. I still love him the most on earth, but...ya I went through these thoughts and cravings. I just stated it here...treat this as my confession.
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