New? Year...

আমি এখন বসে বসে chips খাচ্ছি আর frustration - এ ভুগছি...I had avoided this chips thingy for a long time...but in the middle of the night I feel very hungry and have nothing else to do, and I don't even feel like falling asleep. I am reading a book (and as usual there's a story behind the book - which I am too tired to tell you)...but the book fails to keep me glued. With Herculean effort I finally finished writing the paper I am gonna present at the conference, but man, such academic stuff absolutely drains me. Work is not that difficult, it is ingrained in me, and I can do it like clockwork. But pretending to be academic is the challenging part. But who can drive this in my stupid head. I need to have it all.

The story behind the story book, right. Back in Bangalore, I'd visit Landmark often on Fridays, wait up there for bhai to join me after office, then we'd have a good dinner and come back. At such occasions I'd read up some book just to kill time, and if I liked it, I'd almost always end up buying it. There was one exception though. A book with a red cover, about falling in love, which they won't give me on discount although a buy 2 get 1 free offer was going on. They said the book was not part of the offer. I had to leave the book on the shelf but the story lingered in my mind. This was long back - at least 4 years ago. Once I got my tab, I gave some random Google searches and identified the book (I hadn't noted down either the author or the title - I just remembered the storyline vaguely from the few pages I had read). I also discovered that the book cost around 200 bucks. Too expensive for me. Well, to cut a long story short, I won't mention details but some e-commerce site offered me a coupon of Rs. 50 (these e-commerce sites often make you feel that money has no value - the offers they afford to give) - I finally decided to buy the book before the offer would expire. When I provided the coupon code, the entire amount was waived off (not 50 but 200). So I should be enjoying the book I have finally gotten to read after such an elaborate prologue. But I don't.

I feel I am plain and simple unpalatable. I am jealous of everyone - everyone out there who's got some company. I am on my 2nd movie that I have watched alone. As I was getting down today, I saw that every other person had someone - with whom they were discussing the movie - what they liked, what were the weak points. I was the only person who stood alone on the escalator.

I read somewhere on Facebook (aargh! the culprit that makes you feel worse) - you need three things to be happy - someone to love, some work to do and some hope to look forward to...so there it goes...

What's the point in loving someone who doesn't even care whether I exist? And what is this work I do man? And as for hope, the least we talk is better...

So chips and cribbing it is...I am sick of pretending to be happy. I've never been happy in life, good memories only mean Singapore, and that's because I lived with a mob of people. Please, I am dreading this loneliness...ordinary days are better, this celebration time, when the world couldn't be happier and the new year meaning nothing to me is scary...