The filmy me...

I haven't written for a while. Despite being on leave, the last week has been extremely hectic. But didn't I have stories to tell, even amid all the 'racing against time' engagements? I had, but my apparent mockery of the social medium called Facebook has apparently turned into an addiction, or so it seems. No, not really. Just that I have grown a certain fondness for telling stories through pictures, and this being an anonymous blog, I can't do that here. It seems important to have a picture trail of memories somewhere on the web, on how I have tried to live battling the everyday twists of fate. How I have tried to mend torn things, be it a broken family, some unrequited dreams or an unstable career, and smiled through it all. At least, tried my best to keep smiling - I have this smiling face no, God's gift, can't help :)

So, a small story then, because I'm dog tired and it's going to be 4 in the morning. I met a cousin sister, for the first time after 1998, during my cousin brother's marriage. Met her last during our house warming ceremony. We're of the same age (she's 6 months older than me - but we've studied in the same class - though in different schools, and finally pursued different streams). So when I was doing my engineering and she, her graduation in mathematics, we happened to have best friends of the same name (different surnames though). I was never much close to her (just by the way friends - Jab We Met types :D). There's an aunt close to both of us, from whom I got this information (how they spend all their time together - like us). Then in due course of time the aunt informed me - she's in love with her best friend, planning to marry him, what about you? I vehemently denied any probability of such a scenario in my life. I ventured out to Bangalore for my job, shortly afterwards the cousin sister went to Mumbai, but with her best friend, now her husband. I couldn't attend her marriage and hence couldn't meet my best friend's namesake. So it was only yesterday that I saw him for the first time - she's happily married to him for close to 10 years now, with a baby who seems to have just learned to walk. As she was introducing us, the filmy me again spoke in my mind - my Rito looks better than your Rito...remember Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai - meri Anjali tumhari Anjali se jyada khoobsurat hai? The incorrigible me :P

The only problem is - my Rito is not even mine, and her Rito is actually hers...

The stress, the protest...and the tiredness afterwards

I am still hyper excited. There's only so much one can take in on a single day. Got up in the morning, went to show dad's reports to the doctor, well everything's ok there, but they made us wait almost 3 hours at the hospital. As if a common man's time doesn't have any value. Reached office late, but that's one bonus of my current job, such deviations are excused. But still, office was particularly strenuous today. I felt very lost. What I am doing here. Do I really need to become a clerk just for the sake of staying with my parents? They are taking so much of an advantage, just because I need work to survive.

Returned home tired, the only relaxation these days is playing with the puppies. Yes, there's a new one, Nikhu's making lots of lady friends :) It is such a bliss...amid everything else that looks negative. Was about to retire, when the pair came running again. I again went downstairs to give them a biscuit each, and wished them goodnight.

Came back upstairs and was just relaxing, when I heard the growl of a truck. A house is being constructed in a nearby place (two plots away from us). They are blocking the road and creating a lot of trouble anyways. Every other day they'd stealthily creep in a truckload of stone chips or sand at midnight, tear up electric cables and unload in the middle of the road. And I tend to get paranoid about the dogs. It's dozing time for them, and it is their playground which these rascals are encroaching. And I get afraid about accidents. As it is I have seen so many of them dying suddenly...I keep praying to God all the time. So hearing the noise I just peeped out of the window to check on the kids, and hello, this time they chose to drop the sand right in front of my house! And I suddenly lost all my patience. I thundered at the crooks at the top of my voice. They kind of got scared and apologized. I don't care much about their apology anyways, but I just hope that they stick to their word and remove the sand tomorrow early morning. Because if my car is blocked, there will be another showdown. Neither my parents nor people at my locality could ever imagine me shouting to this extent. I myself didn't know what I am capable of, if provoked. There's no point tolerating silently, right?

Still worried about my puppies. They know that these innocent beings are very precious to me. I hope they don't cause them any pain just to get even with me, because I protested. There is utter lawlessness spreading across the world and taking it in its grip. In fact lawlessness is the new law...

Had a pretty comforting discussion with Hemant about getting some alternative job. I am not going to compromise in life. And perhaps only so much of holiday was allowed for me?

I feel tired now. And lonely. Why did he have to fight with me? I think he's the only person whom I could have shared with anyone, even his wife, and could have accepted in any form of relationship. Even "just friends"...So long as I'd have him beside me when I shouted. Knowing very well that these are goons who can cause harm, if he was there I wouldn't have been so afraid in my heart. He is my support system in a way nobody else is or can be. He is still the only person who knows me inside out. My vulnerabilities, my tendency to struggle and protest and hurt myself for the sake of justice. But he gave up on me too soon. I didn't pay heed to his advice, but neither did I give his pedestal to anyone else. He just washed his hands off his best friend. I keep turning these things in my mind, I know the thoughts are fruitless, and the situation beyond mending, nor can I reach out to the person with whom I once had no pretensions - অভিমান you know, such an incurable and insufferable feeling :)

Hi wife of best friend, are you still with him? Don't worry, I shall not break your marriage. I am not that kind of a girl, and you know how honorable your husband is. But can you allow him to be the friend he was to me 15 years back? May be that way I can just survive this depression? Just barely make my life a bit livable?

I must sleep. I am losing it perhaps... :)

When the depression takes root...

I said it publicly, at last. There was this potted plant I posted in FB... আমাদের চারাগাছ :)

So long as there was work, lots and lots and lots of work, it was good. I didn't have to think. I just kept on working. But then the work got over. I mean the conference got over. And I was totally exhausted. Acidity and dehydration. I mostly slept, lost all appetite. Over the weekend I was a real mess. Didn't even care to take bath or change clothes. Monday morning when I woke up I was smelly :( And then good sense kicked in. Had an elaborate shower in warm water, scrubbed myself thoroughly, put on my ear rings, nose ring and lipstick, and was once again good to go. Office hours being over, I came back, got an immediate headache, touched the mattress and was fast asleep. Throat is getting parched as if I haven't drunk water for ages. Is this going to be life?

Thank God I have an Ananya - a best friend who's not perfect and not too happy in life. I can at least bring myself up to disturb her once in a rare while, when I need to talk, bring out all the negative things that are going on, to some living person other than a stupid anonymous blog...

But mind you, I still can't have what I want. Still I am happy that I am not friendless.

You wanna know positive news? There's an addition of 5-6 new people in my FB friend list after the conference. People even want to make friends with me. Oh wow! I am almost living a parallel life in FB these days :(

And you know what? Gonna lose the job post May 2017. I mean project will get over. What do I do after that? No idea man, but please please let's not yield to an arranged marriage...

In fond memory of 3-December-2015

সকালবেলায় office পালিয়ে
ফের Tamasha দেখতে যাবো,
তোর শহরের ধুলোয় ধোঁয়ায়,
হঠাৎ শীতের ঠান্ডা হাওয়ায়,
তোকে কোথাও দেখতে পাবো|
ভীষণ খুশি ভীষণ অবাক -
তোর পাড়াতেই  bus-এর এ ঝাঁক,
যাচ্ছে কেন?
আমার office অন্য পাড়ায়,
Adventure?
বয়স নেই আর,
বয়স আমার কমছে যেন?
তোকে ভীষণ ভালো বাসি,
বলতে গেলেই পাচ্ছে হাসি,
কিন্তু সেটাই সত্যি বোধ হয়...
তোর যদি না হয় বোধোদয়,
আমার কি দোষ? করব আপোষ?
কক্ষনো না,  করিস ক্ষমা,
তোর ভালোবাসা safe, secured,
মনের কোণে রইলো জমা!

New? Year...

আমি এখন বসে বসে chips খাচ্ছি আর frustration - এ ভুগছি...I had avoided this chips thingy for a long time...but in the middle of the night I feel very hungry and have nothing else to do, and I don't even feel like falling asleep. I am reading a book (and as usual there's a story behind the book - which I am too tired to tell you)...but the book fails to keep me glued. With Herculean effort I finally finished writing the paper I am gonna present at the conference, but man, such academic stuff absolutely drains me. Work is not that difficult, it is ingrained in me, and I can do it like clockwork. But pretending to be academic is the challenging part. But who can drive this in my stupid head. I need to have it all.

The story behind the story book, right. Back in Bangalore, I'd visit Landmark often on Fridays, wait up there for bhai to join me after office, then we'd have a good dinner and come back. At such occasions I'd read up some book just to kill time, and if I liked it, I'd almost always end up buying it. There was one exception though. A book with a red cover, about falling in love, which they won't give me on discount although a buy 2 get 1 free offer was going on. They said the book was not part of the offer. I had to leave the book on the shelf but the story lingered in my mind. This was long back - at least 4 years ago. Once I got my tab, I gave some random Google searches and identified the book (I hadn't noted down either the author or the title - I just remembered the storyline vaguely from the few pages I had read). I also discovered that the book cost around 200 bucks. Too expensive for me. Well, to cut a long story short, I won't mention details but some e-commerce site offered me a coupon of Rs. 50 (these e-commerce sites often make you feel that money has no value - the offers they afford to give) - I finally decided to buy the book before the offer would expire. When I provided the coupon code, the entire amount was waived off (not 50 but 200). So I should be enjoying the book I have finally gotten to read after such an elaborate prologue. But I don't.

I feel I am plain and simple unpalatable. I am jealous of everyone - everyone out there who's got some company. I am on my 2nd movie that I have watched alone. As I was getting down today, I saw that every other person had someone - with whom they were discussing the movie - what they liked, what were the weak points. I was the only person who stood alone on the escalator.

I read somewhere on Facebook (aargh! the culprit that makes you feel worse) - you need three things to be happy - someone to love, some work to do and some hope to look forward to...so there it goes...

What's the point in loving someone who doesn't even care whether I exist? And what is this work I do man? And as for hope, the least we talk is better...

So chips and cribbing it is...I am sick of pretending to be happy. I've never been happy in life, good memories only mean Singapore, and that's because I lived with a mob of people. Please, I am dreading this loneliness...ordinary days are better, this celebration time, when the world couldn't be happier and the new year meaning nothing to me is scary...