Ya, it happened so that at 2:23 in the morning, I felt this swelling pride for myself, had a curious smile on my face and was finally able to to compel my attention to be diverted elsewhere (read my blog). All because, in a crude or novice way or whatever, I had won the challenge all the same.
I have learnt a lesson lately. Losers are not always bad people. They can be extreme good and benevolent, but losers alright. For example, my university senior. He is not a bad person at all. He has helped me out of this employment fix when nobody else bothered. How far the socio economic condition of West Bengal is to be blamed for the very occurrence of the situation is a different story altogether. But then had I been at his place I wouldn't have probably done that good deed - for I am an outright threat - being a competitor to him and his existing position. This, he took time to understand, naive that he is. Once he understood, still he kept on giving away opportunities to get rid of me. I got to know recently that he was offered my position, which he denied. I could have almost said aloud imitating Hagrid, way he says, "Great man, Dumbledore" - "great soul, my university senior". But I couldn't, because he hasn't been able to get rid of the pompous trait that is so inherent in every Bengali man.
So here goes the story in short. I have been asked to develop a web based application of medium complexity. Ya, it is not part of my job description, and I am not paid enough to do it. So I thought I won't do it after all. Oh, I have enough managerial talent to shove around work, don't even doubt that. Any tell me why should I show my talents when I am not being paid enough? One has to be professional in this world, which anyways has such a skewed standard of judgement. Do you think in my next job people will ever bother to check my talent? They will just see the salary and decide that I must be quite worthless to earn so little at my age and experience. They'd conclude that I am quite a dud, else why on earth would I compromise on my salary and move to a contractual position from a permanent one? But then, this guy taunted us "industry people" in front of this girl who has freshly passed out and joined our project - saying academicians know much more than us. Talk of the frogs in the well, why are there so many of them, I wonder! Yes, I myself am quite not confident about building a software from scratch, but hello, don't forget the fact that I have handled a software more complex than any you have ever been exposed to. A core banking system is not a matter of joke, as everyone who puts their money in the bank ought to know. So I just started writing the code to prove a point to myself. And my old mania totally got me in its grip. I get a kick out of coding you see...way all coders do. It is such a satisfaction when a code runs and the thing you wanted to do is implemented. I spent couple of sleepless nights as a result, and almost finalized the prototype. But I didn't bother to boast. So, it is anybody's guess as to what happened next. This guy set on working on a similar problem, making all possible efforts to advertise the fact. He literally said, "you give up on it, then I will step in... (and busk in the glory of your failure and my success)". I didn't pay heed. He started calling people from my project, giving them demo of his work, and insisted, "come on, won't you ask for it - definitely you will need this module...come...don't be shy, just say you want it...". I felt like Ron Weasley in front of Draco Malfoy. Could I ever compete with someone who has worked all his life on the web? Would my code work finally?
And two more sleepless nights, and bouts of programming thrown in during the day's usual activities, and not only the prototype, but almost the entire application is ready now. Fine tuning is a different story, but I am so so happy to rediscover the girl who used to say - "don't ever challenge me - nobody has ever won a challenge against me".
I have a different thought process - I am the best, I am my favorite, but all said and done - I am not the only one on earth. I never boast - I know that what I have been able to do, can be done by anybody, provided that they have the tenacity. I think this attitude is all that sets me apart from the so called losers. Humility and faith...as wrappers around confidence and pride - makes you a wonderful person. Oh, don't have any doubt about that either, terribly bitchy and all, I am wonderful all right :) :)
What all I don't attempt to do - just to keep myself busy. And perfectionist that I am, it ends up taking a toll on me. I have to coax every bit of interest from my FDs, I have to fully utilize the net packs of my mobile and dongle before they expire, in short I have to make the most of everything. Still that sinking feeling would somehow find its way - why, for whom? I am not debating if it is at all possible to live all by yourself, I am very clear in my mind that I don't want such a life. I indulge in such childishness to keep myself engrossed and contented, but at the same time, I fervently pray for a miracle aka "a normal girl's life".
I have learnt a lesson lately. Losers are not always bad people. They can be extreme good and benevolent, but losers alright. For example, my university senior. He is not a bad person at all. He has helped me out of this employment fix when nobody else bothered. How far the socio economic condition of West Bengal is to be blamed for the very occurrence of the situation is a different story altogether. But then had I been at his place I wouldn't have probably done that good deed - for I am an outright threat - being a competitor to him and his existing position. This, he took time to understand, naive that he is. Once he understood, still he kept on giving away opportunities to get rid of me. I got to know recently that he was offered my position, which he denied. I could have almost said aloud imitating Hagrid, way he says, "Great man, Dumbledore" - "great soul, my university senior". But I couldn't, because he hasn't been able to get rid of the pompous trait that is so inherent in every Bengali man.
So here goes the story in short. I have been asked to develop a web based application of medium complexity. Ya, it is not part of my job description, and I am not paid enough to do it. So I thought I won't do it after all. Oh, I have enough managerial talent to shove around work, don't even doubt that. Any tell me why should I show my talents when I am not being paid enough? One has to be professional in this world, which anyways has such a skewed standard of judgement. Do you think in my next job people will ever bother to check my talent? They will just see the salary and decide that I must be quite worthless to earn so little at my age and experience. They'd conclude that I am quite a dud, else why on earth would I compromise on my salary and move to a contractual position from a permanent one? But then, this guy taunted us "industry people" in front of this girl who has freshly passed out and joined our project - saying academicians know much more than us. Talk of the frogs in the well, why are there so many of them, I wonder! Yes, I myself am quite not confident about building a software from scratch, but hello, don't forget the fact that I have handled a software more complex than any you have ever been exposed to. A core banking system is not a matter of joke, as everyone who puts their money in the bank ought to know. So I just started writing the code to prove a point to myself. And my old mania totally got me in its grip. I get a kick out of coding you see...way all coders do. It is such a satisfaction when a code runs and the thing you wanted to do is implemented. I spent couple of sleepless nights as a result, and almost finalized the prototype. But I didn't bother to boast. So, it is anybody's guess as to what happened next. This guy set on working on a similar problem, making all possible efforts to advertise the fact. He literally said, "you give up on it, then I will step in... (and busk in the glory of your failure and my success)". I didn't pay heed. He started calling people from my project, giving them demo of his work, and insisted, "come on, won't you ask for it - definitely you will need this module...come...don't be shy, just say you want it...". I felt like Ron Weasley in front of Draco Malfoy. Could I ever compete with someone who has worked all his life on the web? Would my code work finally?
And two more sleepless nights, and bouts of programming thrown in during the day's usual activities, and not only the prototype, but almost the entire application is ready now. Fine tuning is a different story, but I am so so happy to rediscover the girl who used to say - "don't ever challenge me - nobody has ever won a challenge against me".
I have a different thought process - I am the best, I am my favorite, but all said and done - I am not the only one on earth. I never boast - I know that what I have been able to do, can be done by anybody, provided that they have the tenacity. I think this attitude is all that sets me apart from the so called losers. Humility and faith...as wrappers around confidence and pride - makes you a wonderful person. Oh, don't have any doubt about that either, terribly bitchy and all, I am wonderful all right :) :)
What all I don't attempt to do - just to keep myself busy. And perfectionist that I am, it ends up taking a toll on me. I have to coax every bit of interest from my FDs, I have to fully utilize the net packs of my mobile and dongle before they expire, in short I have to make the most of everything. Still that sinking feeling would somehow find its way - why, for whom? I am not debating if it is at all possible to live all by yourself, I am very clear in my mind that I don't want such a life. I indulge in such childishness to keep myself engrossed and contented, but at the same time, I fervently pray for a miracle aka "a normal girl's life".
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