At times I am at a total loss about what to do with my life. Eating, sleeping, reading story book apart, and add to that the little bit of regular work I have to do to earn my living, I find my life to be quite quite aimless. It would be quite depressing if I sit down and think - thing is I don't allow myself that provision. I tend to push myself to remain busy with something or the other. But fact of the matter is that none of these things that I deal with, actually belongs to me. The job is a contractual one and will go after 3 years. Yes, unfortunately it is 3 years, I had misinterpreted it as 5 years. It was a 4 years project with a clause to extend for another year, which we won't be going for, and one year from that time frame was already over by the time I got recruited. Some issue with release of fund it seems. For these 3 years too, it is renewable every year, so it is actually not a very reliable thing. My family is indeed the reason I returned here, and every moment I get the feeling that they really don't need me the way I need them. I wonder if at all I am valued by anyone. And Eid Mubarak to all, but holidays are scary because if I manage to finish my existing story book (I finished the last Agatha Christie I bought, and by the way, she wrote about Daily Budget, which might have influenced J K Rowling's Daily Prophet...me and my discoveries...), unwanted thoughts would rush to my mind and make me quite miserable, try as I might to look the other way.
It is a pathetic life. I don't have a single person of my age whom I can call a friend, who I can hang out with. Yes, if I keep to myself, I have one of the best lives. I have ample money, in fact in a relatively poor place like Kolkata, I feel over privileged. How hard people are working everywhere, just to somehow manage their daily minimum expenses. Cribbing in such an environment for self satisfaction seems like a luxury. If these poor people would get to know my reasons for unhappiness, they are sure to make a face and tell me, but you don't need to worry about what to eat. But then if I try to explain to them, come on, you didn't have to struggle to make friends, to get married, to have kids...I don't have any of your advantages in my life, they won't probably understand. They won't even get it if I tell them that I am still young enough, and I don't really want to live this nun's life. In a society where little girls get raped in their schools, organizations that are battling crime against women might retort saying, you are lucky to be the way you are.
I am not the person who prefers existing rather than living. But then, this is a life I only have chosen. What else was there for me to do? I knew I want a different life, I did things to ensure it, and screwed it up to the ultimate extent. I am incurably shy, I cannot reach out. I am an egotist, I cannot plead. A colleague in the university has become almost like an elder brother. He was kind of scolding me the other day. What do you think you are doing with your life? Think of something - get married, adopt a kid, decide on some means of sustaining yourself in your old age. He was not wrong in saying that, even I know about the necessity of doing something. I have been pushing my parents to speak to that prospective Iniesta look alike's family. I can't describe how difficult it was to bring up the topic itself with them. I do feel at times that they have given up on this, or they were never really interested much in this. They'd rather have their daughter safe than sorry. I have seen how Boo's parents or Anand's parents were hell bent on getting them married. My parents are not like that. Even after my coaxing, they called once, and haven't really followed up since then. I tried to live in my bubble for a little while, way I do. Refused to check out the person on the net, just wanted to dream about his virtual self for a while. And then a time came when I felt like throwing things at that image of his. Grrrr Mister, I don't need your virtual self, I need the real you. Ever since my childhood, all I have been looking for is a friend who'd last, a friend who'd stay by my side. Because it always seemed so impossible, that someone would care for me to that extent, I created my dream world. But now, 34 years later, I am sick and tired of it. It is reality I crave for. Flesh and blood, not bubbles, thank you very much.
What's wrong with me really? I am not ugly. Though my hair is thinning a bit, and I frequently have bad hair days, and I have a very oily skin, I am definitely not ugly. I might be overweight but I am not voluptuous and shapeless. I have brains people would literally die for. I can talk intelligently and with humor too. Yes I am a little eccentric, but I strongly believe that people should be a little mad to survive on this earth. I am hugely successful in my work place, anywhere and everywhere I go, people are appreciative. In the recent audit that took place in my current project, the auditors praised me so much that I believe the professor in charge of the audit got a bit envious. He started saying things like, yes, she has a flare for such things, that is why we have hired her, so that she can complement our work. Flare for financial audit? Excuse me, but that's something I have never done. As if you'd be able to handle the technical part if I give up, I had a good mind to say, but controlled myself. Life or no life, I can't lose the satisfaction of being employed, you see. And pocket money is required even when you are at your most pensive state. And the last bit shows that I am a practical person. Then, pray tell me, what's wrong with me, that I am not even being given a chance to live life properly? Oh girl, but don't you read current affairs? But of course I do...why, Boo called me the most intelligent girl on earth, because I knew the place where most number of serial killers have materialized. I am a wiki holic, and I spend most of my spare time reading newspapers and surfing the net. Then girl, you should not ask for a life when people are dying in Iraq and Palestine and when planes are crashing one after the other. So many people are simply dying, and you crib about not having a good enough life. Shame on you.
Well low salary and other humiliating stuff apart, got this beauty for myself, from my project (at least till next June - provided I don't leave this job before that or I am not thrown out before my initially agreed one year term). Isn't this a new reason to live? - I ask myself. No, comes the answer. I'm still getting accustomed to it, you see...I still prefer the ease of a purely Windows based machine (with proper right click and both backspace and delete keys). But ya, music sounds divine on it, and it shuts down and boots up in less than a blink. I am ready to take the trouble of carrying it to and fro the university, so that I can use it for listening to music and watching movies. My own HP laptop is so overloaded with softwares and that God forsaken Norton AV, that it is rather an ordeal to use it for entertainment. Well, you see, I am indeed trying my best to live a normal life, despite the handicaps. I rather pity 'I' [Iniesta look alike is indeed a long phrase, and neither do I like the person's name much, nor do I have any intention of mentioning it here, at least till the time he turns up in my life, so till then let's manage with 'I'], who prefers studying at this age (he's supposedly a year older than me), instead of getting married. Well, it is not so difficult for guys to lead a single life you see, if somehow they can prevent AIDS, everything else is well provided for. Oh, don't I sound like a sex maniac? I am not, trust me, but I am definitely missing male company, that is, company of the male species, who don't treat me like a daughter/sister/employee come maid servant. In short, I need a boyfriend, if not a husband. Yeah, they rape you, and throw acid at you and are quite monstrous, if newspapers are to be believed, still, they are quite indispensable you see...
I leave you with the picture of my new acquisition...after the diamond ring, this is something I feel like showing off :P :D
It is a pathetic life. I don't have a single person of my age whom I can call a friend, who I can hang out with. Yes, if I keep to myself, I have one of the best lives. I have ample money, in fact in a relatively poor place like Kolkata, I feel over privileged. How hard people are working everywhere, just to somehow manage their daily minimum expenses. Cribbing in such an environment for self satisfaction seems like a luxury. If these poor people would get to know my reasons for unhappiness, they are sure to make a face and tell me, but you don't need to worry about what to eat. But then if I try to explain to them, come on, you didn't have to struggle to make friends, to get married, to have kids...I don't have any of your advantages in my life, they won't probably understand. They won't even get it if I tell them that I am still young enough, and I don't really want to live this nun's life. In a society where little girls get raped in their schools, organizations that are battling crime against women might retort saying, you are lucky to be the way you are.
I am not the person who prefers existing rather than living. But then, this is a life I only have chosen. What else was there for me to do? I knew I want a different life, I did things to ensure it, and screwed it up to the ultimate extent. I am incurably shy, I cannot reach out. I am an egotist, I cannot plead. A colleague in the university has become almost like an elder brother. He was kind of scolding me the other day. What do you think you are doing with your life? Think of something - get married, adopt a kid, decide on some means of sustaining yourself in your old age. He was not wrong in saying that, even I know about the necessity of doing something. I have been pushing my parents to speak to that prospective Iniesta look alike's family. I can't describe how difficult it was to bring up the topic itself with them. I do feel at times that they have given up on this, or they were never really interested much in this. They'd rather have their daughter safe than sorry. I have seen how Boo's parents or Anand's parents were hell bent on getting them married. My parents are not like that. Even after my coaxing, they called once, and haven't really followed up since then. I tried to live in my bubble for a little while, way I do. Refused to check out the person on the net, just wanted to dream about his virtual self for a while. And then a time came when I felt like throwing things at that image of his. Grrrr Mister, I don't need your virtual self, I need the real you. Ever since my childhood, all I have been looking for is a friend who'd last, a friend who'd stay by my side. Because it always seemed so impossible, that someone would care for me to that extent, I created my dream world. But now, 34 years later, I am sick and tired of it. It is reality I crave for. Flesh and blood, not bubbles, thank you very much.
What's wrong with me really? I am not ugly. Though my hair is thinning a bit, and I frequently have bad hair days, and I have a very oily skin, I am definitely not ugly. I might be overweight but I am not voluptuous and shapeless. I have brains people would literally die for. I can talk intelligently and with humor too. Yes I am a little eccentric, but I strongly believe that people should be a little mad to survive on this earth. I am hugely successful in my work place, anywhere and everywhere I go, people are appreciative. In the recent audit that took place in my current project, the auditors praised me so much that I believe the professor in charge of the audit got a bit envious. He started saying things like, yes, she has a flare for such things, that is why we have hired her, so that she can complement our work. Flare for financial audit? Excuse me, but that's something I have never done. As if you'd be able to handle the technical part if I give up, I had a good mind to say, but controlled myself. Life or no life, I can't lose the satisfaction of being employed, you see. And pocket money is required even when you are at your most pensive state. And the last bit shows that I am a practical person. Then, pray tell me, what's wrong with me, that I am not even being given a chance to live life properly? Oh girl, but don't you read current affairs? But of course I do...why, Boo called me the most intelligent girl on earth, because I knew the place where most number of serial killers have materialized. I am a wiki holic, and I spend most of my spare time reading newspapers and surfing the net. Then girl, you should not ask for a life when people are dying in Iraq and Palestine and when planes are crashing one after the other. So many people are simply dying, and you crib about not having a good enough life. Shame on you.
Well low salary and other humiliating stuff apart, got this beauty for myself, from my project (at least till next June - provided I don't leave this job before that or I am not thrown out before my initially agreed one year term). Isn't this a new reason to live? - I ask myself. No, comes the answer. I'm still getting accustomed to it, you see...I still prefer the ease of a purely Windows based machine (with proper right click and both backspace and delete keys). But ya, music sounds divine on it, and it shuts down and boots up in less than a blink. I am ready to take the trouble of carrying it to and fro the university, so that I can use it for listening to music and watching movies. My own HP laptop is so overloaded with softwares and that God forsaken Norton AV, that it is rather an ordeal to use it for entertainment. Well, you see, I am indeed trying my best to live a normal life, despite the handicaps. I rather pity 'I' [Iniesta look alike is indeed a long phrase, and neither do I like the person's name much, nor do I have any intention of mentioning it here, at least till the time he turns up in my life, so till then let's manage with 'I'], who prefers studying at this age (he's supposedly a year older than me), instead of getting married. Well, it is not so difficult for guys to lead a single life you see, if somehow they can prevent AIDS, everything else is well provided for. Oh, don't I sound like a sex maniac? I am not, trust me, but I am definitely missing male company, that is, company of the male species, who don't treat me like a daughter/sister/employee come maid servant. In short, I need a boyfriend, if not a husband. Yeah, they rape you, and throw acid at you and are quite monstrous, if newspapers are to be believed, still, they are quite indispensable you see...
I leave you with the picture of my new acquisition...after the diamond ring, this is something I feel like showing off :P :D
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