Learned Pessimism...

In my first MNC, I once did a workshop on "Learned Optimism". I need to unlearn that now. As much as I don’t like to write about my failures, write I must, because without a release this pain will only intensify. The pain of being rejected time and again by people whom I didn’t have any particular liking for, but whom I wanted to accept just for the sake of moving on. Like the gentleman I mentioned in my previous entry – the bank employee. Well, first mistake was not to deposit the cheque right away on the day of account opening itself, since my previous FD had matured already. But you know, I walked off in a hurry, not very sure if the primary objective is to meet the guy or to open the account (I was considering opening another account as I have been depositing too much with one single bank, and as Warren Buffet’s advice goes – it is wrong to put all your eggs in the same basket). Also as my ex PM keeps telling me to move my money from private banks to government banks, this seemed to be a pretty good opportunity to act on it. So the account was opened on Saturday, and I was not quite sure if I liked the guy. 

Well, Monday posed a greater dilemma. I didn’t want to look too eager to make a 2^nd visit to that place on the very next working day, for obvious reasons. In my attempt to safeguard my ego, I did some stupidities. Consider that the new account was opened with Bank Z. I had my money in Bank X. Instead of depositing it to Bank Z directly, for which I would have to visit the branch, I deposited a cheque to Bank Y, because I found on the net that NEFT from Bank Y to Bank Z is free. And let me tell you, being a banking person myself, I could very well work out that outward clearing would take 3 days and I would lose interest far greater than the NEFT charge (from Bank X to Bank Z directly), still, I am fanatic about not paying NEFT charges because it doesn’t make sense. It is just a channel, and as it is, Citi Bank has free NEFT and I kind of got habituated to it. In the recent days, to save the NEFT money, I have become habituated to writing cheques as well, something I have never done earlier, as I was so accustomed to e-transfers. So, I waited another couple of days for the money to get credited in Bank Y, and then I discover, my God, NEFT from Bank Y to Bank Z is not free after all. So, the only other option was again to go in person and deposit the cheque. 3 days had passed and I was still shy about this. So, as is my habit, to blame for all situations in my life, I started shouting at dad. “Dad, you shouldn’t put me in such situations – see I can’t even go and deposit a cheque there, and I am losing precious interest money”. And as is my dad’s habit, to tell me unexpected things on the face, he blurted out, “don’t worry, the proposal hasn’t worked out”. I murmured, “what do you mean by that?” “Nothing, the guy said you are older than him…” Trust me, I felt shell shocked. Is there ever going to be an end to this? I am fat, I am old – is that going to be my identity forever? A reason why I am shunned by the “darker” sex (I really don’t find any way of calling them fair). Would nobody ever care for the kind of human being I am? I was a nervous wreck for the next two days. Engrossed myself in work, thinking of hardly anything else (our project website is going to go live next Monday, so there was a lot of work anyways, and having relearnt Photoshop recently, my old flare for creativity and painting has somehow emerged again, I conceptualized and created every single banner and graph in the website). “Precious interest money” lost its importance. I lost all enthusiasm about the car as well – told myself, “girl, there’s no point seeking materialistic pleasure, when God is so hell bent to deny you any real happiness”. To cut a long story short, I took it in rather a bad way.

This morning, however, I had recovered. I went to the bank quite cheerfully (since dad was there with me), and deposited the cheque. Also inquired about car loan terms – since it is near my home, I quite decided to take the loan from here itself, as their terms are also pretty good. The guy was thankfully hidden in some inner cubicle and I mostly spoke to the manager. He did come out once, and I felt a bit awkward, and so did he, but I managed to ignore the situation.

So that’s that, and I am trying to live on, devoid of dreams. I am not in a very good mental state. The manager asked simple questions which made me falter.

“Do you get a salary slip?”

“No, I am in a contract position”.

“Any chance of getting permanent in the near future?”

“No, I am not getting a good job here…”

“You have a Form 16?”

“Of course, from my earlier organization”

“And did they give salary slips?”

“Oh ya, and I used to draw a much larger salary there…”

“You bring along those stuff, I will see to it that you get the loan…”

Enough to summarize the agony of having to wash your hands off your career just for the sake of being near your loved ones. As much as I am trying to be happy with my current job, I know that it’d take me nowhere. But then, living alone in Bangalore just for the sake of money and career was also crushing me. And I wanted to give a chance to myself, to find a groom, and even agree for the once despised arranged marriage, for I am only to be blamed to have lived life on my own terms and making a mockery of my personal life.

I wonder if God has at all created someone for me. How can that person bear to let me live with this constant humiliation and heartbreak? I am tired of trying to find ways out. Buy a car, go for a facial, watch a movie, read this book – may be you’d be happy. Then, the book just lies on the bed, the movie is not enjoyed, the facial doesn’t impart a glow, and the car becomes just scrap metal. I am not happy after all. I get unquenched urges all the time, to have a friend, to have someone even closer to my heart and soul – one who would just break my shell and liberate me. No, I am not a loner, I am not a careerist, I am not a lazy, laid back introvert girl. I am fun loving, cheerful and adventurous. I am brave – I am not a cribber. I am not what I appear to be – drab, uninteresting, mediocre. I just can’t express myself. I am a very shy person, I just can’t reach out. And I trust so easily that almost always the wrong person succeeds to wreck my life, and I retract more in my shell. Should this be the reason my entire life goes for a waste? 

Lately, I have become very restless. I can’t concentrate, particularly when I am all alone. I don’t know what to do. I force myself to play games, to read TOI, read a page or two in a book and realize that I have read it earlier, curse  myself for not using a book mark, fidget some more and then force myself to fall asleep and wake up with a headache. It is becoming a regular routine. And routine is something I have always hated. To think this is going to be my life forever makes me rather sick…and I hate my never say die attitude, my attempts to sort things out and find solutions and options – I have been doing it since the last 10 years I guess, to no avail.

I must stop dreaming. As he used to tell me, “expectations rakkho hi mat...” I shouldn’t seek a way out. I should learn to be happy with myself, I don’t have a soul mate, God never created him for me, he simply doesn’t exist.