Well, the biggest problem right now in life is that I seek answers to questions that do not have any answer. Not even that I can frame the questions properly. As a result I am left lost in thought.
First problem is with my workplace. I am still not getting a proper hang of it. Imagine a place where people are too bossy when they need my services (oh you left for home? Come back immediately...we need to finish the work... - This too in a grumpy sort of way, as if I have committed a great sin by walking away on a declared half day holiday for a job where I still haven't joined officially - I just got my letter day before yesterday in the afternoon post) and too reluctant when their business with me is over (I still haven't gotten paid for the last website related job I did). 2nd is you can't protest here, because you are dealing with senior professors - so there's this one gentleman who smokes like a chimney in front of the asthmatic me for all through 3-4 hours of continual work, and I am on the verge of choking for some fresh air, still I maintain a martyr like silence. And imagine, may be this is the money minded me speaking, whatever, but I don't get paid either for the work, or for the torture, because, you see, I am yet to join.
Then, the people of this city irritate me. Young kids don't have the decency of giving up their seat in the bus, when some old lady is barely able to stand in front of them, being shoved around by the crowd. It hurts all the more when the kids are from my school (albeit the uniform has changed - it is no more a full white shirt - it is white with blue stripes - but the bird motif along with the motto "courage to know" is still very much visible). It pains me to see my school's dismal performance in the board exam as well as competitive exams - I guess there were hardly 1 or 2 ranks - me having been part of a class with 7 rank holders in the top 20 can't simply stand this disgrace. The bus conductor insults me for nothing when I fail to give change and nod my head (I did have change in my purse - only it was lying in the depths of my back pack and balancing near the door, all ready to get down in a rush - because my so called not yet boss was throwing tantrums at my absence and I had to rebound to the university, there was absolutely no way I could get that change out right then)...so the conductor goes on to give me this big lecture which I gulp down silently - I know you have change - but you won't give, nobody makes the effort, entire Calcutta is going on like this...blah and blah.
And the heat, and over that the terrible mismanagement I had to face at the Passport Seva Kendra yesterday - standing 2 hours on my feet I was only collapsing, imagine what would have happened with the senior citizens. A terrible, all sweaty photo of mine was taken for the next passport, in which I definitely look as if I am sinking. I wonder if my future foreign tours (i.e. if any more is scheduled to happen in the first place) will be cancelled on the ground that my passport photo clearly states I am infirm and incapable of travel :D :P ...sweating like a dog (do dogs sweat by the way? I guess it would be a pig - but I prefer to remain a dog none the less) as I was returning home, I found myself making this sad duck face and saying - poor once upon a time corporate lady can't survive this heat, she's as good as dead.
Just when I'd begin questioning why I at all bothered to return to this hellish place, I'd be forced to observe, people are not so bad after all. The professor whom I have been calling grumpy and bossy chatted quite amicably with me, and once in a while made an attempt to walk away from the room with his cigarette. This elderly gentleman from the neighborhood, who I just know by face, came up to me, inquired about my current position and profusely congratulated me. The next door neighbor, who's followed my footsteps and given up his plush job in Mumbai to come back and look after his mother, hugely encouraged me to stay put here and find opportunities, told about his own ordeals and that he also keeps thinking about giving it all up and getting back to his old world, and also advised me about the burglaries going on around our locality and insisted that we should stay in touch with the police. Why, can't help mentioning how the other colleagues were helping and supporting the lady in our department whose husband was sick (he passed away yesterday) - and what did I do? Brooded for a while - well I am still brooding as I write here - but frankly, what makes me nasty is that I didn't bother stopping myself from buying 3 new dresses (as I said - I was in dearth of salwar suits and western wear is not exactly the preferred fashion here), neither did I refrain from buying some tasty food for dinner (it was easy to cite the reason as "mom won't have to cook in the evening"). You see, I might brood, and rethink my usual thought process of why life is so uncertain, but my life goes on smoothly - it doesn't miss a beat. Nobody except the person who has lost a near and dear one ever feels how in a blink life becomes entirely void and meaningless. Compassion and empathy can let you speculate, it hardly ever makes you step into the other person's shoes. But ya, all the same, my paranoia is increasing. The feeling of helplessness against God's will and destiny's designs keeps growing and takes me in its throws. It is scary.
I had a long discussion today with one of my professors, who had taught me in my masters. He advised me not to oscillate between industry and academics, asked me to concentrate on where I want to see myself 10 years hence, and plan accordingly. I tried to think about that for a while. Ten years hence? Who'd have thought that as on today I'd even be capable of looking that far. Why, just a year or two back I was this vegetable being who just wanted to breathe and be alive. Just didn't want to die as yet. Well, life surely has come a long way from there. The frustration of broken relationships, a tumultuous personal life, a highly politicized professional life which was equally killing, and then the dejection and worthlessness of sitting idle. From there, even debating about where I want to be 10 years later - seems like a dream. Not sure if I have survived the worst, you see, life does change colors so frequently, and that too at such a break neck speed. Why do we stay alive? To see the world's beauties? To earn money and power and be superior? To discover a soul mate? Or just to try and understand this incomprehensible thing called life?
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