Well, for once I have finished most of the work in my to do list. Bank account is opened, my watch has been handed in the Titan shop for repair (it is my most expensive watch, a Titan Raga, which keeps losing a jewel or two every other day), mails have been sent to my client manager in Prague and the travel desk lady from my previous organization about this curious letter (all in Czech) that I received from the Czech ministry (not sure what it means or what I am supposed to do about it – so had to delegate, at least I can say that I have taken some action), lodged yet another complaint (this time for Vodafone – I am fed up with the state of customer care in India)…after all this, not that the list has become null, there’s still the internet banking to be enabled for the new account, there’s still this professor from the university who used to teach me in my B. Tech days, whom I need to meet at least once (because I had been his favorite student, he had helped me a lot to get my 2nd job and finally I need to discuss my PhD prospects with him), I need to close an old account of my mom and gran, for which I need to go to their native place, I am yet to follow up on the filing of my tax return, I need to be after dad to recover our house deed (which he has apparently lost) and last but not the least, I need to take dad to the doctor for his checkup which is a couple of months overdue, get a new pair of glasses for him and get couple of blood tests done for myself.
And why do I keep procrastinating if I have so much to do? What is the important thing that is stopping me? Nothing much, except that it is a terrible ordeal reading about Sirius’s death. It is the second time I am reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and the suffering is equivalent to the previous occasion - I can't bring myself up to finish the last few pages. My whole night is consumed in the process. I cannot take the pain, I cry for Sirius, I cry for Harry. Like Harry, I wonder how Dumbledore can be so calm. I don’t understand his sagely words saying that Harry can live through this only because he is a man…I rather agree with Harry shouting that if this is the price to pay, he’d rather not be human. Does being human mean being tortured by never ending emotions? Emotions that drain you, squeeze out the very wish to live out of you?
Remember I wrote here one day about the song “Chhod aaye hum woh galiyaan?” Still, just for once I’d like to describe my feelings without letting it go to the trashes. No, the news of my once upon a time friend getting reunited with her husband has not affected me much, except that I am really truly happy for their kid, he finally gets a full fledged family. But apart from that the impact for a moment was like...like I was hearing afresh the news of Boo's marriage getting fixed. That was one information he had no right to withhold from me. This is another information they - both my friend and her husband, had to no business to keep me out of. I have counselled them for hours, cried with each one of them separately, shared their joys, sorrows and doubts, lied for them, worked extra hours, and why, read accusations of me being a hypocrite (if I was a hypocrite calling your husband a good person, why go and reunite with him now?) and gave up on my job just to get rid of the complicated situation that I couldn't handle any more. I didn't have to take this emotional overload to get to know the news through FB or through a common friend for that matter. (Given my snooping skills I had already guessed the situation though - I mean it was one of the two options in my deductions). All I wonder is, what is the reason I had to turn a villain in all this? What wrong did I do? Is wishing someone well a mistake? Is sticking to the truth and not taking sides a mistake? Or is it a mistake to tell someone that look...I don't have a way out, you have, so please opt for it and don't be hell bent on pleasing your ego alone...
I feel I am turning into this cribbing person totally overcome with the "why me" syndrome. Yesterday I found out that my cousin and his wife had gone for a tour in Europe. I felt terrible on knowing that. This is the same cousin whose mother passed away a couple of years back, when I was in Prague. She was my mom's favorite sister. Her sudden demise was one of the reasons that cracked me and I decided to return to my parents. So, his dad too is in the hospital right now. I was wondering why he was admitted to a hospital in Kolkata, whereas my cousin lives in Delhi. And now I got the answer. Well, it was all so that the old man could be kept out of the holiday plans. Send him to relatives in Kolkata, and let us go for our tour. How insensitive a son can be? Going for a tour when your mom is no more, and the only parent you have left is in the hospital? I don't know...I felt disgusted.
But may be...human beings are indeed so selfish and self centered. Nothing except their own reasons appeal to them. But you know what, I am glad the way I am. Slowly but steadily, I have been making sure that I thank everybody who has helped me out during my unemployed days. My managers in my previous organization, friends who encouraged, relatives who bothered to keep in touch...everyone. It is extremely important for me to continue to be a good human being...even though I get nothing in return. My satisfaction is...I never gave up trying to be good...even if the rest of the world preferred following an different route altogether, I still prefer walking the solitary road that presumably leads to God. I don't know well the God who awaits me on the other end, not entirely sure if He would chose to welcome me...for you see...I can't yet get rid of such petty thoughts as mentioned above...I hate people and their ways of dodging their conscience, I criticize them when I am disgusted, I crib when I see people giving up on their humanity, because I am not a saint. But I am still human, like Harry...I know, feel and am empowered with emotions that a Voldemort will never understand, and will always fear, because that alone will cause his defeat. Voldemort thought death is the worst thing. Dumbledore thought that losing your virtues is worse than dying. People only want to be happy, I for one, cannot be happy when I am the direct reason of someone else's sorrows. I am proud of that, even if I don't care much for any other trait in me.
I am very angry today, but still this serene kind of happiness won't leave me. I feel happy that work time is almost over, I will go home, bitch a bit with mom and tell her this incident, and help her with her evening cooking. Come what may, I am happy in my own way. May be that is the only thing I have gained from being good at heart :)
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