Well, life’s strange. The main reason behind it is that
emotions change based on circumstances. I can give you three examples right
away.
The love I felt for my city, Kolkata, keeps fluctuating.
When I came here, the positive emotions were strong enough. The biggest one
was, it is my city, I will be more at home here. I can delve into my own
culture, of which I am so proud. But then you know what, the vision from the
rose tinted glasses faded away. Yes, the movie theatre is walking distance, but
the heat won’t allow you to walk up to there. It was terrible when I was idle,
I won’t venture out, out of sheer depression, and now I can’t think of leisure
because of work pressure. Dad might well have done French classes after office,
I don’t even know the way to Alliance Francaise. And the city is seriously lacking
in public transport and security. I was finally forced to put away my gold
chain as there were so many warning signs. And if I was ever fond of any jewellery,
that was my gold chain. I asked mom to order it on the day I first visited Boo’s
hostel room, I mean it was all coincidental, I had just boarded the auto with
apples and dry food and two flasks (he said he was feeling sick and needs hot
water to drink – I decided to buy one flask for hot water and another for tea
or milk) and mom called from the jewellery shop and asked me about my
preferences, I remember telling her that I want a ball chain like Pupe used to
wear in “Gaaner Opare” – that afternoon’s fond memory is still etched in my
mind – given an option, I’d have never taken it off. And wait, did I talk of culture? Trust me, I
haven’t seen more uncultured and uncivilized people around. They simply love
spitting and smoking in public places. Even professors smoke during meetings.
Even drivers of public buses smoke while driving. Surely I have never seen such
utter lawlessness.
The love that I feel for my parents and gran also keep
fluctuating. Dad shouldn’t have been a family person. He is this gentleman who
is driven by his passions. His current passion being share trading, he’d little
think of anything else. When I complained about the foam covering of the AC
copper wire being eaten away by birds, he was like – if you were married at the
right age, you’d have couple of children to take care of right now, at least
learn not to depend on your dad. Whatever truth might be in that statement, it
hurt badly. Mom is ever so critical of me and my ways. I don’t have a moment’s
independence. If I spend my time reading story books or simply day dreaming,
she’d complain that I came back for nothing, I am not of any help. If the
telephone is not working, and I file a docket, and still the issue is not
solved, she is 100% sure that it is my fault somehow, I must have done some
mistake in communicating the problem. And gran is a rather harmless person, but
still, she does seem very insensitive when I am running late and about to rush
to office, and she’d order me to close her windows or give her toothpaste or
bring her walker. Don’t get me wrong, the situation is never so bad that I
cannot coexist with them, but at times I do gasp for some freedom, and crave
about being left alone. Worse of all, there is not outside food to be eaten
man, and how I miss that. They refuse to eat junk, and I don’t feel like eating
alone. Likewise, they refuse to spend money on movies (and the energy to get
ready and walk up to the multiplex) as it would anyways be shown on the TV in a
month or two, and the last thing I want to do is watching a movie alone (except
that Aparna Sen movie, Iti Mrinalini, I doubt if I have ever watched anything
else all by myself).
And you know how extremely I fret when my periods are late.
Given that you’d laugh if you’d know the reason I’m fretting now. I don’t have
spare sanitary pads and I almost wish my periods hadn’t started. It has always
been a terrible ordeal for me to go out and buy them. Most shops are run by
men, and me being this epitome of shyness, I just can’t bring myself up to tell
them exactly what I need. Bangalore was different. I knew couple of medicine
shops where ladies would be there at the counter. I am sure I will spend a
sleepless night today because I have to buy the thing tomorrow, there is no way
I can defer it. Oh where do I go, what do I do???
I don’t like to keep things pending. But the problem is I am
very lazy and I love indulging my laziness. My bank account for this new job is
not yet open, and it’s almost month end. My car is not yet booked, and it is
already raining heavily every day, I really wish my parents wouldn't be so
terribly opposed to this very idea of getting a car for us, they and their middle
class mentality. I keep deferring the calls I intend to make, thus putting on
stake the relationships I had developed, the relationships that I intended to
maintain – everything gets lost in the effort of sticking to my preset budget
for each of the two numbers (it is a complicated calculation that takes into
account the billing cycle and the free units of the postpaid one and the next
recharge date of the prepaid one). Not that I am proud of this unplanned life
and to tell the truth I hate the miserly ways I have gotten accustomed to in
this long period of being jobless... I want things to be on track, I want to be
the old spendthrift me, but like I said, moods vary, circumstances change, and
I simply don’t feel like scolding myself.
I can’t say how thankful I am to the people who all the same
care for this self-pampered brat. My university senior, who has been the only
person who helped me in reviving my career – I was heartless to have demanded
money for the previous project from him, in that unnecessarily stern manner (well, it was his problem that he kept deferring the payment),
still he seems not to mind and in fact shares his problems and frustrations
with me, my professor, during whose paper I had walked out from the exam hall,
yet who was instrumental in recommending me for this job and has almost half
agreed to give me a problem statement for doing my PhD, my student, whom I asked
to tell my roomies that I stayed with her when I actually spent my first Diwali
in Bangalore with Anand, and yet she jumps with joy when I mention that I am
planning to spend my next holiday with her, my colleague from my previous
organization, with whom, I didn't even expect I’d be in talking terms after I
left Bangalore, but who cares enough to have long chats with me almost every day
and pours out her heart when she is frustrated with her attempts at arranged
marriage (stupid guys are rejecting the proposal apparently because of some
simple operation she has undergone, which she’s honest enough to mention – you know
what, when they just say India is leading in atrocities against women, do they
ever take into account this kind of mental agony girls have to face just
because of a skewed up social structure where the man and his family always
have the final word?) But then on the other hand, there are people whose dreams
do come true. A guy came to see Bee, and she was like, I just hope I don’t have
to sit in front of any other guy, it is so humiliating, I like this one…and then, the proposal
is finalized and she is due to get engaged in July. Why, my dad also happened
to be the first guy my mom met, but then, everyone is not so lucky na? It is a
funny world, if the guy doesn’t like the girl, he can reject and move on. If
the girl turns a guy down, it goes on to extreme cases where the girl might
become an acid attack victim or may even get murdered. Frankly, I don’t
understand men folks, period. Indian men, more so…
The only good thing I did in the past few days is to zero
down on my research area. Somehow I feel it has got to be artificial intelligence.
Because that’s the thing that is going to bring back human beings on track. We
humans do not think enough, we don’t use half our intelligence. We run on our
whims, and on status quo. So I have decided on the topic. Apart from that, I hardly know the subject. Well,
still a long way to go…
To end with on a funny note, I had this senior in my first
MNC who was very adept at winning brownie points. Even the smallest thing he’d
do, he’d write out a group mail and boast about it in a very polished yet
subdued way, i.e. he’d get the required attention but not in a very obvious
way. I never knew that like a true Sagittarian, I have assimilated his style so
well, but trust me…I have become quite well appreciated in this small time
frame since I joined my new job. So this senior used to say, accolades and
brickbats, all mine…well don’t know about the brickbats, it feels good to be
mentioned in a very accolade-ish way in official communications :D :D
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