Learning not to care...

“Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.”

This line suddenly inspired me a lot (this is nothing rare, much of what Rowling writes causes inspiration to soar through me as I keep admiring her inexplicable understanding of life as a whole). Well, anger is something that eventually dies down, until and unless you are hell bent on keeping on dwelling on it till it consumes all of your peace of mind. Thankfully I am not as foolish as to hamper my own well being that way. I did think of writing a mail to my ex colleague couple telling how saddened I was that they kept me out of their reunion…I wanted to mix a little taunt in it as well, mentioning that at any rate she does listen to things I tell her in anger – she ended up giving “keep it up” cards to teammates, perhaps for the first time in her life, after we had our showdown regarding her inefficient managerial techniques (where I had particularly pointed out that she never appreciates people, perhaps because she holds herself in too high esteem, and the next day I’d walk in, I’d see the cards with almost everyone in the team)…so is the case with her reconciliation with her husband, probably my words had finally sunk in once again, when I had said she’s obstinate so beyond repair that she can’t see her own good. I also wanted to say how happy I am for the kid (whose godmother I am supposed to be). But then what is the point showing my scar to people who don’t care?  They will probably have a good laugh if I bare my emotions to them, as it is quite evident that they don’t intend to keep any further relationship with me. So gradually I turned my mind from the incident and my anger died a natural death.

Then came Friday, and I was never so tired. I have been reading till 3, 3:30 in the morning and then trying to reach office by 11, what with the rain, and the regular confusion about what clothes to wear, and buses that are too crowded, and autos that refuse to go to my destination (though in all practicality – public transport in Kolkata is far better than in Bangalore, because a. I need to travel less, and b. they cheat lesser here – I’d have written they don’t cheat, had I not discovered this curious 50 paisa coin in my wallet where the minimum change there’s supposed to be are 1 rupee coins – means someone has obviously handed me over lesser change than was due), I get dog tired by the end of the week. I moved on to the auto stand instead of waiting for the bus, because I wanted a seat and I wanted to get down midway to get some junk food. I felt I won’t be able to live another day without some junk food to fuel me – it’s been ages since I have been having pure home cooked food – I am not habituated to live that way for the last ten years, you see. There was this fussy lady you know, who kept asking where I’d get down. Not quite sure of my plans yet, I replied in a dreamy voice (much like Loony Lovegood) that I’d get down either at stop A (the junk food stall) or stop B (my house – in case I turn a health freak at the last moment). As the auto sped on, my inclination towards stop A kept increasing (old habits die hard) and finally I decided. Just when I got down there, the old lady commented quite audibly (much like Kreacher would mutter about mudbloods and blood traitors) – “but didn’t she say stop B…” – and my temper overpowered me once again. I calmly paid the fare and then spat out at her – why on earth do I need to explain to you where I’d get down. Her daughter retorted and asked me not to talk with her mom like that, when I shouted publicly (for the second time in a week) – “she is the one being hostile without a reason”…and I was quite breathless as I reached the food stall. I was still red in the face but I had this satisfaction too, that I haven’t taken down unnecessary taunts silently. I was happy that I retorted and gave back the right kind of treatment such people deserve. It was entirely her problem that she didn’t care to listen to my whole sentence and deduced things from the end part that she heard, but if she chose to express that in a scathing way, she would be getting back the insult in kind.

The attendants at the food stall were extremely accommodating. They gave me a chair to sit as I waited for the food, and I gradually calmed down. The trick about dealing with bitter experiences is to let them drain out of your system. Now that I write about it, only a feeble imprint remains of what I felt originally. And as I reached home and we served ourselves yummy Chinese food (Fried rice, noodles and chilli chicken and garlic chicken as side dishes), seeing the happiness on my parents’ faces, as I hungrily slurped the food, I realized why these petty things shouldn’t matter to me. I have come back to stay with my family, and that is what should count – I should learn to ignore the troubles I face. It is but temporary – it has arisen primarily because I had not been exposed to the mediocrity of the average Bengali population for so long. Like I said, they lack civic and social sense, and they can’t grow out of that precisely because a huge chunk of my race pathetically lacks ambition and risk taking abilities. They are in essence quite similar to the other people I have mentioned in my blog earlier, who suffer from the “frog in the well” syndrome. They exasperate me, but frankly I would gain nothing from this frustration. Instead I should rather concentrate on the large chunk of worthwhile time I get for myself, the liberty, the spacious house, the doting family, the reasonably good work. Definitely more positives than the apparent negatives that thwart me, right?

Discovered that a colleague in the university knows astrology. Apart from bringing up loads of memories of my best friend (I used to talk to him incessantly about astrology, which he really knew well, and frankly most of his predictions have come true also), whatever she said didn’t really have any effect on me. For example, she said, I am mostly going to settle abroad and there is very little chance of me staying in Kolkata (so many other astrologers have said it as well), said I have good chances at arranged marriage this year, if I chose to try, and said I am most probably going to have a girl child. I was laughing about it later (though that seems a most ungrateful thing to do, given the effort she had put in to study my horoscope). About staying in Kolkata – who’s going to stop me if I myself don’t budge? About arranged marriage, thanks but no thanks, if I have decided to be myself and live life my way, I am not going in for a marriage of convenience. As you can see, I have become even more revolting and caustic tongued nowadays, so better not stretch my tolerance limits with an apparently unknown person. And, ah, about the girl child…how I have always wanted her, but then my best friend means a lot to me till this day, probably he is the only person I love selflessly, apart from my immediate family – and he was the one who made me believe I’d get a boy child. Over so many years I have learnt to accept it so well, that I don’t even want a girl child anymore. So you see, finally it is all about what you chose to believe in, and what you decide. It is all about what you earn through your deeds, which is so magnanimously called as Karma. We also discussed adopting a child and such things, our thoughts kinda match cause she’s also an unmarried girl little older than me. But after all the discussions, I went back to work with a rather empty mind, with no impact on my mind whatsoever. I don’t need much forecasting in my life anymore. I won’t say I am not afraid about the future once in a while, but I have learnt the “we’ll have to deal with it” attitude pretty well it seems…

To reiterate…“Dumbledore had at least taught Harry something about certain kinds of magic, of the incalculable power of certain acts.” In my case, Dumbledore has been my life itself…so the lessons have come out all the more strong. Yes, I break down at times, but I can do a “reparo” thingy quite quickly and efficiently :D :D

P.S: Reading so much of Harry Potter, I often think if this habit of writing is in a way my own attempt at creating horcruxes. May be I want to keep parts of me hidden in these entries, so that I can live forever through them. And in a way, they are the hallows too. My invisibility cloak (hides me while I can pour out my mind), my elder wand (I win lost battles because nobody can stop me from unfurling the truth here) and my resurrection stone (my blog is the only true witness of my earnest attempts to live on, however much death like situations are imposed on me). 

The kind of anger that won't let you sleep...

Right when I thought that this day couldn't get any worse, I was in for a rude shock. A certain pervert chose to take his seat beside me (although it was a ladies’ seat – and that kinda alerted me right away).  Guy had really chosen the wrong person to victimize. For a while I kept silent (as I have done on numerous occasions before) thinking that may be it is I who is interpreting the situation wrongly, surely a person can’t be this mean. But the silent fury boiling already inside me, got the better of my patient and peace-loving nature in no time. I thrashed the person left and right with scathing words, my temper soaring up all the while. I didn't care anymore that I am creating a scene in the bus, that my gossipy neighbors (who happen to work in support function in the same place as me and takes the same bus at the same time) are listening in – and soon enough this will be major news in our locality. I didn't even spare the conductor and (can you imagine) spoke to him in English. The apparent gentleness of my mother tongue wouldn't come in handy in such a situation anyways, but what I failed to realize is the average conductor in Kolkata doesn't understand the foreign language too well. Still, the impact was quite strange. Ever seen a balloon getting deflated? The culprit rose up with a huge bag (with which he was attempting to hide his misdeed till now) and stood there mumbling to the conductor (who was hissing questions at him at a subdued voice but otherwise looked terribly offended – as if he couldn’t imagine that such an incident has been pointed out during his duty hours) – and there was this eerie lull in the bus, as if people are silently praying that they can run away from the situation. Nobody can take the head on truth about how the society is decaying under their very nose, only because they chose to look away and remain cozily shielded in their shells. I was fuming as I got down from the bus and walked back home. I felt contaminated. Mom feebly tried to tell me not to put the clothes which I had worn today for washing – she said I can wear them one more day, but I didn't pay heed. I needed them to be washed, as if that would free me from the dirt and horror of the incident. Of course I couldn't tell my parents and cause them stress, but I really had a good mind to do that, they won’t be so sure about not buying a car if they would know what I have to face for the lack of a personal vehicle. But then, is that a solution? What about the millions of girls who are not as lucky as me – who can’t afford such luxury even if they want? Oh why is the entire place simply going to the dogs (I apologize to the dog community – be sure that this is just a figure of speech, I am well aware of how far superior a dog is than an average spineless human), and nobody cares to do anything about it?

I would have simply died if my blog was not there. Had I kept so much anger pent up, I am sure by now I’d get a stroke or something. But venting it out doesn't seem enough. I have to stop people from turning a blind eye about the state of affairs that the whole of world is succumbing to.

Once again, I wish I had someone senior to whom I could talk and seek advice. And I need a friend, not a virtual friend, a real friend whom I can touch in person and be assured, I have somebody to lean on to, when I am too tired. I feel very lonely today, ever so much more than I have felt all these years. What with people whom you thought you knew turning out to be chameleons, and then with all kinds of depressing news of war, crime and murder, every single service provider, politician and businessman out there to cheat you by hook or by crook, the fellow citizens with absolute lack of etiquette (they spit, they smoke, they abuse - as if that is the most natural thing to do), let alone chivalry - chivalry seems to be a non existent term in the modern day society, it is more demoniacal than knightly...I really feel once again like retreating to the corner of my room. I guess it is far better to be insensitive than getting so terribly hurt only because you still have feelings left inside you. You cannot react against a wall, can you? Your emotions and energy simply go for a waste...

An overload of emotions...

Well, for once I have finished most of the work in my to do list. Bank account is opened, my watch has been handed in the Titan shop for repair (it is my most expensive watch, a Titan Raga, which keeps losing a jewel or two every other day), mails have been sent to my client manager in Prague and the travel desk lady from my previous organization about this curious letter (all in Czech) that I received from the Czech ministry (not sure what it means or what I am supposed to do about it – so had to delegate, at least I can say that I have taken some action), lodged yet another complaint (this time for Vodafone – I am fed up with the state of customer care in India)…after all this, not that the list has become null, there’s still the internet banking to be enabled for the new account, there’s still this professor from the university who used to teach me in my B. Tech days, whom I need to meet at least once (because I had been his favorite student, he had helped me a lot to get my 2^nd job and finally I need to discuss my PhD prospects with him), I need to close an old account of my mom and gran, for which I need to go to their native place, I am yet to follow up on the filing of my tax return, I need to be after dad to recover our house deed (which he has apparently lost) and last but not the least, I need to take dad to the doctor for his checkup which is a couple of months overdue, get a new pair of glasses for him and get couple of blood tests done for myself.

And why do I keep procrastinating if I have so much to do? What is the important thing that is stopping me? Nothing much, except that it is a terrible ordeal reading about Sirius’s death. It is the second time I am reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and the suffering is equivalent to the previous occasion - I can't bring myself up to finish the last few pages. My whole night is consumed in the process. I cannot take the pain, I cry for Sirius, I cry for Harry. Like Harry, I wonder how Dumbledore can be so calm. I don’t understand his sagely words saying that Harry can live through this only because he is a man…I rather agree with Harry shouting that if this is the price to pay, he’d rather not be human. Does being human mean being tortured by never ending emotions? Emotions that drain you, squeeze out the very wish to live out of you?

Remember I wrote here one day about the song “Chhod aaye hum woh galiyaan?”  Still, just for once I’d like to describe my feelings without letting it go to the trashes.  No, the news of my once upon a time friend getting reunited with her husband has not affected me much, except that I am really truly happy for their kid, he finally gets a full fledged family. But apart from that the impact for a moment was like...like I was hearing afresh the news of Boo's marriage getting fixed. That was one information he had no right to withhold from me. This is another information they - both my friend and her husband, had to no business to keep me out of. I have counselled them for hours, cried with each one of them separately, shared their joys, sorrows and doubts, lied for them, worked extra hours, and why, read accusations of me being a hypocrite (if I was a hypocrite calling your husband a good person, why go and reunite with him now?) and gave up on my job just to get rid of the complicated situation that I couldn't handle any more. I didn't have to take this emotional overload to get to know the news through FB or through a common friend for that matter. (Given my snooping skills I had already guessed the situation though - I mean it was one of the two options in my deductions). All I wonder is, what is the reason I had to turn a villain in all this? What wrong did I do? Is wishing someone well a mistake? Is sticking to the truth and not taking sides a mistake? Or is it a mistake to tell someone that look...I don't have a way out, you have, so please opt for it and don't be hell bent on pleasing your ego alone...

I feel I am turning into this cribbing person totally overcome with the "why me" syndrome. Yesterday I found out that my cousin and his wife had gone for a tour in Europe. I felt terrible on knowing that. This is the same cousin whose mother passed away a couple of years back, when I was in Prague. She was my mom's favorite sister. Her sudden demise was one of the reasons that cracked me and I decided to return to my parents. So, his dad too is in the hospital right now. I was wondering why he was admitted to a hospital in Kolkata, whereas my cousin lives in Delhi. And now I got the answer. Well, it was all so that the old man could be kept out of the holiday plans. Send him to relatives in Kolkata, and let us go for our tour. How insensitive a son can be? Going for a tour when your mom is no more, and the only parent you have left is in the hospital? I don't know...I felt disgusted.

But may be...human beings are indeed so selfish and self centered. Nothing except their own reasons appeal to them. But you know what, I am glad the way I am. Slowly but steadily, I have been making sure that I thank everybody who has helped me out during my unemployed days. My managers in my previous organization, friends who encouraged, relatives who bothered to keep in touch...everyone. It is extremely important for me to continue to be a good human being...even though I get nothing in return. My satisfaction is...I never gave up trying to be good...even if the rest of the world preferred following an different route altogether, I still prefer walking the solitary road that presumably leads to God. I don't know well the God who awaits me on the other end, not entirely sure if He would chose to welcome me...for you see...I can't yet get rid of such petty thoughts as mentioned above...I hate people and their ways of dodging their conscience, I criticize them when I am disgusted, I crib when I see people giving up on their humanity, because I am not a saint. But I am still human, like Harry...I know, feel and am empowered with emotions that a Voldemort will never understand, and will always fear, because that alone will cause his defeat. Voldemort thought death is the worst thing. Dumbledore thought that losing your virtues is worse than dying. People only want to be happy, I for one, cannot be happy when I am the direct reason of someone else's sorrows. I am proud of that, even if I don't care much for any other trait in me.

I am very angry today, but still this serene kind of happiness won't leave me. I feel happy that work time is almost over, I will go home, bitch a bit with mom and tell her this incident, and help her with her evening cooking. Come what may, I am happy in my own way. May be that is the only thing I have gained from being good at heart :)

A mixed bag of thoughts...

Well, life’s strange. The main reason behind it is that emotions change based on circumstances. I can give you three examples right away.

The love I felt for my city, Kolkata, keeps fluctuating. When I came here, the positive emotions were strong enough. The biggest one was, it is my city, I will be more at home here. I can delve into my own culture, of which I am so proud. But then you know what, the vision from the rose tinted glasses faded away. Yes, the movie theatre is walking distance, but the heat won’t allow you to walk up to there. It was terrible when I was idle, I won’t venture out, out of sheer depression, and now I can’t think of leisure because of work pressure. Dad might well have done French classes after office, I don’t even know the way to Alliance Francaise. And the city is seriously lacking in public transport and security. I was finally forced to put away my gold chain as there were so many warning signs. And if I was ever fond of any jewellery, that was my gold chain. I asked mom to order it on the day I first visited Boo’s hostel room, I mean it was all coincidental, I had just boarded the auto with apples and dry food and two flasks (he said he was feeling sick and needs hot water to drink – I decided to buy one flask for hot water and another for tea or milk) and mom called from the jewellery shop and asked me about my preferences, I remember telling her that I want a ball chain like Pupe used to wear in “Gaaner Opare” – that afternoon’s fond memory is still etched in my mind – given an option, I’d have never taken it off.  And wait, did I talk of culture? Trust me, I haven’t seen more uncultured and uncivilized people around. They simply love spitting and smoking in public places. Even professors smoke during meetings. Even drivers of public buses smoke while driving. Surely I have never seen such utter lawlessness.

The love that I feel for my parents and gran also keep fluctuating. Dad shouldn’t have been a family person. He is this gentleman who is driven by his passions. His current passion being share trading, he’d little think of anything else. When I complained about the foam covering of the AC copper wire being eaten away by birds, he was like – if you were married at the right age, you’d have couple of children to take care of right now, at least learn not to depend on your dad. Whatever truth might be in that statement, it hurt badly. Mom is ever so critical of me and my ways. I don’t have a moment’s independence. If I spend my time reading story books or simply day dreaming, she’d complain that I came back for nothing, I am not of any help. If the telephone is not working, and I file a docket, and still the issue is not solved, she is 100% sure that it is my fault somehow, I must have done some mistake in communicating the problem. And gran is a rather harmless person, but still, she does seem very insensitive when I am running late and about to rush to office, and she’d order me to close her windows or give her toothpaste or bring her walker. Don’t get me wrong, the situation is never so bad that I cannot coexist with them, but at times I do gasp for some freedom, and crave about being left alone. Worse of all, there is not outside food to be eaten man, and how I miss that. They refuse to eat junk, and I don’t feel like eating alone. Likewise, they refuse to spend money on movies (and the energy to get ready and walk up to the multiplex) as it would anyways be shown on the TV in a month or two, and the last thing I want to do is watching a movie alone (except that Aparna Sen movie, Iti Mrinalini, I doubt if I have ever watched anything else all by myself).

And you know how extremely I fret when my periods are late. Given that you’d laugh if you’d know the reason I’m fretting now. I don’t have spare sanitary pads and I almost wish my periods hadn’t started. It has always been a terrible ordeal for me to go out and buy them. Most shops are run by men, and me being this epitome of shyness, I just can’t bring myself up to tell them exactly what I need. Bangalore was different. I knew couple of medicine shops where ladies would be there at the counter. I am sure I will spend a sleepless night today because I have to buy the thing tomorrow, there is no way I can defer it. Oh where do I go, what do I do???

I don’t like to keep things pending. But the problem is I am very lazy and I love indulging my laziness. My bank account for this new job is not yet open, and it’s almost month end. My car is not yet booked, and it is already raining heavily every day, I really wish my parents wouldn't be so terribly opposed to this very idea of getting a car for us, they and their middle class mentality. I keep deferring the calls I intend to make, thus putting on stake the relationships I had developed, the relationships that I intended to maintain – everything gets lost in the effort of sticking to my preset budget for each of the two numbers (it is a complicated calculation that takes into account the billing cycle and the free units of the postpaid one and the next recharge date of the prepaid one). Not that I am proud of this unplanned life and to tell the truth I hate the miserly ways I have gotten accustomed to in this long period of being jobless... I want things to be on track, I want to be the old spendthrift me, but like I said, moods vary, circumstances change, and I simply don’t feel like scolding myself.

I can’t say how thankful I am to the people who all the same care for this self-pampered brat. My university senior, who has been the only person who helped me in reviving my career – I was heartless to have demanded money for the previous project from him, in that unnecessarily stern manner (well, it was his problem that he kept deferring the payment), still he seems not to mind and in fact shares his problems and frustrations with me, my professor, during whose paper I had walked out from the exam hall, yet who was instrumental in recommending me for this job and has almost half agreed to give me a problem statement for doing my PhD, my student, whom I asked to tell my roomies that I stayed with her when I actually spent my first Diwali in Bangalore with Anand, and yet she jumps with joy when I mention that I am planning to spend my next holiday with her, my colleague from my previous organization, with whom, I didn't even expect I’d be in talking terms after I left Bangalore, but who cares enough to have long chats with me almost every day and pours out her heart when she is frustrated with her attempts at arranged marriage (stupid guys are rejecting the proposal apparently because of some simple operation she has undergone, which she’s honest enough to mention – you know what, when they just say India is leading in atrocities against women, do they ever take into account this kind of mental agony girls have to face just because of a skewed up social structure where the man and his family always have the final word?) But then on the other hand, there are people whose dreams do come true. A guy came to see Bee, and she was like, I just hope I don’t have to sit in front of any other guy, it is so humiliating, I like this one…and then, the proposal is finalized and she is due to get engaged in July. Why, my dad also happened to be the first guy my mom met, but then, everyone is not so lucky na? It is a funny world, if the guy doesn’t like the girl, he can reject and move on. If the girl turns a guy down, it goes on to extreme cases where the girl might become an acid attack victim or may even get murdered. Frankly, I don’t understand men folks, period. Indian men, more so…

The only good thing I did in the past few days is to zero down on my research area. Somehow I feel it has got to be artificial intelligence. Because that’s the thing that is going to bring back human beings on track. We humans do not think enough, we don’t use half our intelligence. We run on our whims, and on status quo. So I have decided on the topic. Apart from that, I hardly know the subject. Well, still a long way to go…

To end with on a funny note, I had this senior in my first MNC who was very adept at winning brownie points. Even the smallest thing he’d do, he’d write out a group mail and boast about it in a very polished yet subdued way, i.e. he’d get the required attention but not in a very obvious way. I never knew that like a true Sagittarian, I have assimilated his style so well, but trust me…I have become quite well appreciated in this small time frame since I joined my new job. So this senior used to say, accolades and brickbats, all mine…well don’t know about the brickbats, it feels good to be mentioned in a very accolade-ish way in official communications :D :D

Uncertainty and its inevitability...

Well, the biggest problem right now in life is that I seek answers to questions that do not have any answer. Not even that I can frame the questions properly. As a result I am left lost in thought. 

First problem is with my workplace. I am still not getting a proper hang of it. Imagine a place where people are too bossy when they need my services (oh you left for home? Come back immediately...we need to finish the work... - This too in a grumpy sort of way, as if I have committed a great sin by walking away on a declared half day holiday for a job where I still haven't joined officially - I just got my letter day before yesterday in the afternoon post) and too reluctant when their business with me is over (I still haven't gotten paid for the last website related job I did). 2nd is you can't protest here, because you are dealing with senior professors - so there's this one gentleman who smokes like a chimney in front of the asthmatic me for all through 3-4 hours of continual work, and I am on the verge of choking for some fresh air, still I maintain a martyr like silence. And imagine, may be this is the money minded me speaking, whatever, but I don't get paid either for the work, or for the torture, because, you see, I am yet to join.

Then, the people of this city irritate me. Young kids don't have the decency of giving up their seat in the bus, when some old lady is barely able to stand in front of them, being shoved around by the crowd. It hurts all the more when the kids are from my school (albeit the uniform has changed - it is no more a full white shirt - it is white with blue stripes - but the bird motif along with the motto "courage to know" is still very much visible). It pains me to see my school's dismal performance in the board exam as well as competitive exams - I guess there were hardly 1 or 2 ranks - me having been part of a class with 7 rank holders in the top 20 can't simply stand this disgrace. The bus conductor insults me for nothing when I fail to give change and nod my head (I did have change in my purse - only it was lying in the depths of my back pack and balancing near the door, all ready to get down in a rush - because my so called not yet boss was throwing tantrums at my absence and I had to rebound to the university, there was absolutely no way I could get that change out right then)...so the conductor goes on to give me this big lecture which I gulp down silently - I know you have change - but you won't give, nobody makes the effort, entire Calcutta is going on like this...blah and blah.

And the heat, and over that the terrible mismanagement I had to face at the Passport Seva Kendra yesterday - standing 2 hours on my feet I was only collapsing, imagine what would have happened with the senior citizens. A terrible, all sweaty photo of mine was taken for the next passport, in which I definitely look as if I am sinking. I wonder if my future foreign tours (i.e. if any more is scheduled to happen in the first place) will be cancelled on the ground that my passport photo clearly states I am infirm and incapable of travel :D :P ...sweating like a dog (do dogs sweat by the way? I guess it would be a pig - but I prefer to remain a dog none the less) as I was returning home, I found myself making this sad duck face and saying - poor once upon a time corporate lady can't survive this heat, she's as good as dead.

Just when I'd begin questioning why I at all bothered to return to this hellish place, I'd be forced to observe, people are not so bad after all. The professor whom I have been calling grumpy and bossy chatted quite amicably with me, and once in a while made an attempt to walk away from the room with his cigarette. This elderly gentleman from the neighborhood, who I just know by face, came up to me, inquired about my current position and profusely congratulated me. The next door neighbor, who's followed my footsteps and given up his plush job in Mumbai to come back and look after his mother, hugely encouraged me to stay put here and find opportunities, told about his own ordeals and that he also keeps thinking about giving it all up and getting back to his old world, and also advised me about the burglaries going on around our locality and insisted that we should stay in touch with the police. Why, can't help mentioning how the other colleagues were helping and supporting the lady in our department whose husband was sick (he passed away yesterday) - and what did I do? Brooded for a while - well I am still brooding as I write here - but frankly, what makes me nasty is that I didn't bother stopping myself from buying 3 new dresses (as I said - I was in dearth of salwar suits and western wear is not exactly the preferred fashion here), neither did I refrain from buying some tasty food for dinner (it was easy to cite the reason as "mom won't have to cook in the evening"). You see, I might brood, and rethink my usual thought process of why life is so uncertain, but my life goes on smoothly - it doesn't miss a beat. Nobody except the person who has lost a near and dear one ever feels how in a blink life becomes entirely void and meaningless. Compassion and empathy can let you speculate, it hardly ever makes you step into the other person's shoes. But ya, all the same, my paranoia is increasing. The feeling of helplessness against God's will and destiny's designs keeps growing and takes me in its throws. It is scary.

I had a long discussion today with one of my professors, who had taught me in my masters. He advised me not to oscillate between industry and academics, asked me to concentrate on where I want to see myself 10 years hence, and plan accordingly. I tried to think about that for a while. Ten years hence? Who'd have thought that as on today I'd even be capable of looking that far. Why, just a year or two back I was this vegetable being who just wanted to breathe and be alive. Just didn't want to die as yet. Well, life surely has come a long way from there. The frustration of broken relationships, a tumultuous personal life, a highly politicized professional life which was equally killing, and then the dejection and worthlessness of sitting idle. From there, even debating about where I want to be 10 years later - seems like a dream. Not sure if I have survived the worst, you see, life does change colors so frequently, and that too at such a break neck speed. Why do we stay alive? To see the world's beauties? To earn money and power and be superior? To discover a soul mate? Or just to try and understand this incomprehensible thing called life?

End of an episode...

I have fought such a long battle against my jobless existence (and uncertainty of freelancing) all these while, but now that it is over and I finally have a proper job offer in hand, and if things go right I am to stay in this job for the next five years – I don’t really feel the enthusiasm to write about it. I had my interview yesterday, and it is funny that I didn't get time till now to sit and write a small entry. Instead I was engrossed in finishing up my revision of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, as if there’d be no tomorrow. I was glued to the book till late night yesterday, till I found myself complaining “I will die if I don’t sleep now”. I was exhausted. It has been such a long and draining ordeal – these 8 months of wait.  I feel somewhat of a similarity to the saying “justice delayed is justice denied”. Too much of wait gets you so fatigued that when you finally get the cherished result, you don’t feel any elation. I was like, ok cool, I can now revive my old spending habit. This constrained and budgeted existence was taking a toll on me. I just had some snacks to celebrate with my parents, offered some sweet to God, and that was more or less all.

In fact I enjoyed last Thursday evening a lot more. Afternoon was a bit tensed, since I hadn't till gotten an invite for the interview, and it was clearly written in the advertisement that the interview would be conducted on or before 30^th May, 2014. Well, my university senior who’s been helping me all these while (I really can’t express my gratitude to him in words) made a call to a professor who was in charge of the project, and she in turn contacted the professor who was supposed to send out invite mailers. Within 5 minutes I received an email saying “Sorry, this id was missed out”. Over the years, I have grown to be a suspicious person, so I couldn't help thinking if this was some sabotage. So you see, even though I had a reasonably good interview the next day, I had to keep my fingers crossed till all three professors in the interview panel came up and told me that I have been selected (I haven’t still received an official appointment letter mind you!) Whatever, after I had received the invite, I set off for South City mall to meet Ananya and her daughter. And I had a ball of a time there. We played games in Reliance timeout, and then went to KFC and had snacks. The kiddo was ecstatic playing with Talking Tom in my phone (I had just updated to the latest version) – and you know, it is just a different life when you are with a kid. They get so happy with such small small things – like we went to the cookie shop and she got busy selecting gingerman biscuits with green eyes and pink noses. Ya, her mom spoils her a lot, never says no to whatever she wants, but despite all that, she is such a lovely kid. Ananya keeps telling me that she looks more like me than like her. And she is so taken to me that she’d hold my hand and roam around till the time she’d be with me. She’d seldom remember her mom. You know, the biggest gift I have got since I returned to Kolkata is reunion with my school friends. Tomorrow Pamela is going to visit us with her son, and I am looking forward to another wonderful day. The days of loneliness in Bangalore are long gone.

All said and done, I can definitely understand that my spirit is revived to a great extent. I am happy and carefree once again. I am planning about getting the gadgets and furniture that I have been thinking about since the time I came back, but there was not enough money. Once we are done with the little bit of construction work that is required in the garage, I guess I’d be all set to finally get my car as well. Like I said, I am definitely not exalted, but I feel much better than before.

A but always remains, no? Why was I so tensed about the results on Friday, and why no better idea came to me to pass the time except browsing Facebook? I had to see some unpleasant show-offish photo of that loathsome person and his long toothed wife. Seemed like they have bought some new flat (not a big deal when you purposefully choose a rich father in law and prefer money over love) – but the photos still left a bitter after taste. I don’t love him anymore, but because I didn't slap him and kick him publicly for his behavior, his shamelessness will always keep tormenting me. At times revenge is the only thing that gives you peace.

I was feeling puke-ish seeing their ugly photos, in one of which he is showing a lot of PDA towards his wife. I am not at all saying that PDA with your wife is something objectionable, but when you have had similar relationships with other girls and deserted them, your actions look definitely gross. I closed Facebook and kept wondering if God has any plan of punishing such people instead of wrecking havoc in lives of simple and honest people who deserve none of it. Soon after, I got to know that I have cracked the interview. The professors were suddenly very friendly, and the lady I mentioned earlier even offered to drop me home in her car. I got down a bit earlier so that she wouldn't have to do a detour.  As I walked home, the sentiment that reigned was relief. Even when you feel that all is lost, not actually everything is over. There are evil people and cruel incidents which try to destroy you, but if you keep fighting, you are sure to land up somewhere. 

I hope the happiness will show itself gradually. The happiness of finally getting some root, being able to stay in my own house and decorating it bit by bit, getting to read Bengali books, may be wearing saree at work for the first time...I can only promise to myself that albeit lonely, I won't let myself be lost ever again in a meaningless existence.