New Moon...

I love the fact that my mind has such an independent identity. She is a real proud soul. And she doesn't feel embarrassed about her whims.

I am a romantic soul. Period. Even if the entire world turns pathetically practical, I won't. I quite liked the way Rajeev Masand reviewed Breaking Dawn Part 1. He actually said something like - for those of us who are not a fan of the twilight series, it is a pleasant thought that there is only one more movie to go. Hearing this review, I had almost made up my mind not to watch the movie.

And then I thought, let's watch the trailers once. And I loved it so.

See, fairy tales don't happen. Agreed. You don't find a live Edward Cullen. True. But then, is that reason enough that I should kill my basic nature? NO.

I can stop loving people who don't love me back. May be I can. But why should I stop loving my dreams? If it takes 2 hours of watching the movie alone, I am ok about it. I will go and watch it all the same. Twilight series, and the support it had given me during tough times, deserve this much.

They are wrong when they say love never dies. Love dies only by one method. The one described in Taare Zameen Par. When the tribes of a certain island wants to cut a tree, they don't use an axe, they simply go and insult it. It dies automatically.

It's ok. I anyways never expected anything from my life. It's good in a way. As I wrote some six months back, I again write, no regrets :)

Phoenix...

24 hours
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Its been precisely 24 hours...and I don't really intend to describe the situation. I'll just state facts. I'm terribly sleepy...literally dozing off every now and then. I don't have any negative feeling right now, nothing demeaning. Only problem is that I sneeze a lot today, it's disturbing everyone in the office. I'm not really sure when I got the cold. Till morning I was just fine.

48 Hours
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Well...it seems I never felt better...I guess I'm happy. If I say in a very Bollywood style...first thing I should say is….NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…I shouldn’t speak of my happiness in public. Because as soon as I even give away the remotest evidence of being happy, meri zindagi nark ban jati hai….nahiiiiiiiiiiiii…mujhe apni khushi kisiko nahi dikhani….

Ok enough of filmi style…we were speaking about sneezing. Unfortunately, though I took good rest yesterday, so ideally I should have been able to go to office today. But no. Life repeats itself. It somehow repeated 7th August. I woke up at 4. In the dawn. And I was almost equally happy. But then I dozed of…and next time I woke up, I couldn’t force myself to get ready and go. Today was predetermined to be lazy and relaxing, may be full of self discoveries…

I often asked myself, how is it that they say happiness is not dependent on a person? Then how can a person make me so happy or sad? Now I realized, it is indeed not dependent on a person. It’s dependent on your self confidence, your willingness to live. If you give so much importance to a person that he starts molding your behavior and attitude towards life, then comes the crisis.

Faith is something you can’t live without. If you are too unsure of yourself, or the people who surround you, then put all your faith in God. He puts everything right. And gives you back your long lost happiness.

C’mon the whole life’s ahead of me…thoda datke saamna to kar ladki…Mark my words, never say curtains…life’s never curtains till the last breath 

The final succumbing...

Very rarely it happens that you happen to lose your composure entirely. I'm in such a state currently. I don't know what I am thinking, or talking, or doing. I am all set to hurt everyone, known and unknown to me, as if that can bring down my pain. As usual I feel a poisonous contempt towards my parents, mostly my father. Last time I behaved so badly with him was after that Mumbai incident. That time too, I blamed him for the course my life had taken. This time as well. It astonishes me to think that I am considering one of my greatest friends ever, to be equivalent to that wretched idiot from Mumbai. How much more can your selfishness take away from you?

I tried to be practical. I can now see what your inner subdued wishes can do to you. Having no way to take it forward, I discovered a way to decelerate my emotions. Kept telling myself, it all boils down to the figure 13.5, which is not going to work out. But is that all there is to love and well being? Our bonding and satisfaction? I found no answer.

I can't incriminate him. My life is business of nobody else. Perhaps my actual agony is that I can't even be a Bhumisuta. I was happy being one till date. "Yes, I don't need anyone else. My life ends in my brown eyed prince." He's broken this notion entirely. I no longer feel that oneness with my so called soul mate. I don't remember him even. At the same time, I can't even give away the same position to anyone else.

For the first time in my life I feel I am going mad. I can't collect my thoughts even, let alone arrange them. I really feel like killing myself. I have never ever felt so suicidal. I find life to be quite quite meaningless and God to be entirely non existent. I wish now that the miracle had never happened, instead of taking place, and then establishing that it was not a miracle after all. I have come down in my own eyes, for being so over-imaginative, thoughtless and impractical. Now when the truth and practicality comes back to me, I don't have the means to deal with the situation. I don't blame anyone. I just feel its good time to call it curtains.

Rainy day thoughts...

It rained today. Rained a huge lot. As usual I felt happy and got wet in the rain. Rain seems to be my best friend. A friend who won't change, who won't leave me ever. A friend who doesn't have other friends. It's always our world, the world just for the two of us.

It gave me time to think. Think over what's been happening. The rain always clears up my mind.

Two things have been going on parallely. I have been listening to my mind. At the same time I have been attaching too much importance to this. I have to remember that I have overcome worse times in my life. I had to let go of my soul mate even. Quietly, without even telling him how much I loved him. I have failed in exams, didn't get admissions anywhere for more than 2 weeks after Higher Secondary results were out. I have walked out of the exam hall in my Masters degree. I have lost jobs, changed entire course of my career for petty fights (which by the way were important for me). I have got two successive 5 on 5 rating from client. I guess I have been a brave enough girl. I should not be governed by the thoughts and acts of a guy who doesn't even know his preferences. And one more thing. People who play safe side games are not my particular favorites. I have never tried to keep anyone happy, always acted as the situation demanded. I don't like people who want a peaceful, well made up world devoid of choice.

He always tells me, that he gives chances to people. First chance, second chance etc. To see if they are his type. And then based on the response, dismisses them, or establishes the friendship. Well I too tend to do that. I do have gluing properties and an open mind, and I can entirely revise my earlier decisions on someone, based on circumstances, but still I too have a tolerance level. E.g. I now know that Deepti is pretty selfish. I mean, I have always known that, but turned a blind eye because I loved her so much. Similarly, Ananya doesn't have much control on her mind. That makes her pretty much volatile. These are perhaps among my longest lasting friendships, but when my mind has changed, I can't deny that. My mind doesn't lie to me.

I have lost a kid. I guess not having a kid ever shouldn't lead to such desperation. I've lived through the bad times. I can handle this as well. I should always remember that I'm among the creme de la creme of the happier section of people on this earth. I actually have nothing to complain about. People get married and divorced and have kids - might be a natural phenomenon, still big deal that I'm not one of them. I won't say no regrets. Depression is a natural part of life. What I refuse is to give this gentleman more importance than he deserves.

I know what I'm sad about. I've lost my best friend. What can be done about that? Mind doesn't ask permission before creating deeper bonds. I have to accept my loss. It will rain forever. I shall shed silent tears. And heal my pain myself. Its ok, I am capable enough of living alone.

I absolutely loved the spark. I have treasured and nurtured it for 10 long months. When it cannot create fire, why beat about the bush? I don't need petty cash, I'm a multi millionaire, remember :) - it's of course an entirely different track that I have a broken phone, but can't even afford to change it :( But, since now, I'm quite sure I'll manage to learn webMethods, I guess I should change the house.

Misgivings

The Siberia phase - eating food alone, sitting on a park bench and sobbing - Maya, as I remember her. Jitni thi khushiyan...sab kho chuke hain...bus ek gham hai ke jaata nahi...

I couldn't hold back for more than a day. I simply couldn't. I have been holding myself back from time immemorial. It was one small plea - "I want to be with him", and I had no way out than agreeing. I don't have a future. Nobody knows it better than me. Why waste today? He'd be angry, he might not let me in, worst case, though very unlikely, he might use foul words. But I had to reach out, all the same.

The apprehension was overwhelming. I have never done anything in life half as reckless. My big fat ego came before everything else. Well not any more. Yesterday, the downpouring rain told me that he's far more important, in fact, the most important person at the spur of the moment. You know why? Because he brings me happiness. Happiness in a way no one ever did.

I still maintain that I don't love him. I can't love a person who's not dependable. I know he'll go away anytime soon. If I start loving him, the emotional void will be intolerable. And anyways, he has none of the qualities I look for in my man. I openly tell him the truth. That I almost hate him. But he remains indispensable. He's my kid. That's about it.

To the extent that I kill my self respect for him. I feel no need for its existence in front of him. The 15 minutes wait in front of the lake, with the wet breeze cooling me down, was indeed awesome. I had all the chances to walk away. But I stood there rooted to the ground. I knew I couldn't waste the day. I had to be with him.

The evening in the ashram revealed a lot of things to me. Revealed that I have been serving undeserving, selfish people so long. They simply don't deserve me as a daughter/lover/friend. Even he is selfish, I know. But I can forgive him. He's my kid, doesn't understand the intricacies of life.

Today, I pretended as if I own the world. Was so happy and frolicking. But fact is, I'm not. I still live in that hole of a house, I walk for almost a hour just to deposit a check on the way. The bus was packed, in fact because of the rain, there was incredible amount of traffic jam. For once I thought of exercising my rights. I had to just call him up and ask him to drop me home. And then I realized, I don't have the right. I'm not his girlfriend. I had to deposit the check today itself, the money means a lot to me. I don't know on what I am going to spend my money. Now that I have abandoned all ideas of going home even, I have no one else in my world apart from me. Still slaving gives me pleasure. Slaving as in, being like the less fortunate people. Because who knows better than me, that I'm the least fortunate of them all. So I'm shoved and pushed in the bus, as I buy the ticket. Corporation Circle to Forum in an ordinary BMTC is 9 Rs. The driver come conductor took 11. I used my feeble Kannada - Forum 9 alva? He didn't bother to answer. I decided to forgive him, at least he didn't keep the money for himself. And anyways I'd be walking back the rest of the way. I don't deserve luxury.

It was one hell of a journey. The bus was barely moving. I turned on at full volume - the LCMD title track. I loved listening to this track when the bus would cruise through the elevated highway, a year and a half back. That time it was not much relevant, now it is. I moved on to Dil Hai ke Manta Nahin tracks - loved the movie as a kid. The typical chocolate romance, how can someone love you if he doesn't protect you? It was probably an Aamir Khan album, for next came up Pardesi. Pardesi is a real riveting song. I wrote in the deposit slip, walked almost 2 km, and simply sunk in the song. Haste aankhon ko aansun de jate hain...wada karke bhi na wapas aate hain...

It was then that I saw the dog again. I had seen it on Monday I guess. In the morning. I didn't feel then that it'd live 2 more days. He had a bandage on his tail. And you could see each bone of his body. Still, the family cares for him. Takes him out for walk, and brings him back. I wanted to cling to him and say, you'll live my dear, and so will I. Yesterday evening, as we were walking about, he said, he won't hesitate to kill a dog. Somehow I knew that already.

I am going to be 32. She told me, if possible I should preserve my egg. And get artificially inseminated after I get married. For the fertility rate is supposed to go down. I told her my apprehensions. Why should anyone marry me, after knowing this. I don't even deserve to be in a relationship. She said, you'd talk about these things before getting married.

Ya, he can kill a dog. I know that. All I can do in this life of mine, is to seek material pleasure. A meaningless promotion, some false appreciations, a great deal of bitching about so called idiots. What about the fact that I'm the greatest idiot on earth? Ya Aish got married at 34, now at 38 the world is waiting for her delivery it seems. But, she was blessed enough to get a husband. Even after all her follies. I loved Abhishek in LCMD. It takes a lot, to be a man like that. But I know I will not get those happiness. My life is like this dog. Who will die anyways, he's in such a bad shape. I can behave like a KJo and SRK fanatic for one day, "Hamesha apne mann ki suno" and all that crap - but next day, I again know my place. No God, and no amount of meditation can relieve my pain. When my cousin came back from a broken marriage, my uncle had told my dad, "She's lost her everything". She later went on to marry her childhood crush, at 32, and had a beautiful girl at 33. She didn't lose her everything. But I cannot have a miracle in life. Men in my life, understand only one word, "convenience". I have never been a convenient thing for them :)