I dont know how long I shall be able to continue this madness. I dont even know why do I love you somuch. If I do injustice to ourselves, forgive me. If I am unable to conquer my desires, forgive me. May be I shall become selfish and marry someone else in order to fulfill the worldly requisites. But even then, remember something. You were the one whom I truly and selflessly loved. And loved more than God Himself. I love you, I love you more than all the love that is present on earth. You know why? Because you dont love me. :)

The last few days...

The first question that comes in mind is that whether these actually are the last few days...you don't know how tremendously hopeful a girl she is...she will ruin her own life and keep hoping that everything will be fine. She is all in dreams that her prince will come to visit her in Bangalore...and she will prepare him food and sweets...and how we two would spend time together...She had even happened to dream that he will visit her on her birthday...but then that seemed a bit far fetched....so she kept herself contented with the dream that he will call me....and wish me....this girl is really the most stupid one on earth. Now that her days are numbered in this country...she doesn't cease laughing even for a while...and that day....I was laughing away....so much so that I had to hide my face...I was sitting beside him....I hid my face on his desk....and then tears started flowing...I was so scared....I hurriedly wiped them and moved to my desk....hope he didn't notice...just going through extremes of emotion...and this reminds me...what about him?

Monday I had reached office early....he didn't even smile at me....I gulped down my half smile....and then we were two professionals sitting side by side and working away....at around 12 he said something and as is his habit, turned towards me, said kyon D... and smiled. We went for lunch shortly afterwards. As we were coming out of the building he murmured that the date has come in....either 30th Nov or 7th Dec. I was very casual....and his voice was quite quite broken....it is since that day I find he shows that extra amount of concern for me....I know not why...he says things he shouldn't tell....kabhi alvidah na kehna....bholisi surat...songs only....when did he speak to me except in songs...and then he takes great care in mentioning that I should not think over what he tells, just let go....let go and let go...would anything stay back for Pupu? Then why did he call last evening? It was such a curious and apparently unnecessary call...

Happy Deepavali

I can never forget these days...for these were the rare moments which made me happy...happy as I have been never before and won't be ever after. Where from that happiness came is not something I can tell. May be because throughout my life I have never reached out for friends and here I found people who on their own accord reached out to me. How and when they touched my heart I know not...I don't even know whether I should really use plural while writing this. For in my mind I know that it is a singular person. One person whom everyone likes and I also got to like. One person for which my stable relationships became unstable, my closest friends condemned me of unfaithfulness and my little left over dream of having a normal life was shattered...and yet after all these I never complained against that person, never demanded anything from him and kept loving him even more and more. I know not what charm that person has. I know not why I toss in my bed in my sleep as I remember him. I know not why a heavenly smile comes on my lips every morning as I wake up thinking of that person. I know not why color this person has brought to my life that I keep glowing. All I know is that he brought back the things I have always loved, and lost in the course of my life, and was too morosed even to realise that I have lost my very own dear things. Like reading. Like music. Music was one thing that kept me alive. How I chirped like a bird all day, how my constant 24 hours round the clock attempt at singing would irritate everyone, even my parents. And then came a time when I didn't sing at all. I started getting headache when I listed to music. At one point of time I even wondered why people listen to music? Don't they get bored? There's a difference between doing and pretending. When I had packed my mp3 player in while coming to Singapore, I had only pretended to myself that I'd listen to a lot of songs, but actually never did. 6 months went by without music. And when it came it came as waves sweep the sea shore. I knew not what was happening. They speak of destiny. If this was not destiny then what else was. My world changed in a moment. And it was not a steady peaceful moment when it changed. I was pent up, and almost on the verge of destruction...and had it not changed then, it would have never got a chance to change.
Everything said and done...the only question remains is that what should I do now. This man has brought back my faith in God. He has given me the pleasures of life which I never imagined. He taught me the meaning of togetherness. I actually got to know that you can feel that you are being cared even when you are apparently being ignored. What have I not learnt from this man. I have seen him giving up even his most cherished things for me, yet I could never confidently interpret his love. What should I do now. And what did I do to to make you so pensive. My brown eyed prince don't be so sad, God will take care of everything.

I don't know what you say...

I really don't know your mind...and I don't trust what my mind tells me. True that I have no doubt that I love you...but I don't understand what you feel. I have asked you a number of times whether I should believe all you say...you have laughed away...do you ever feel how you make me suffer? But it is such a sweet suffering that I cannot even complain. This suffering has given me courage enough to overcome my hypocrisy, to live a lonely life...and to keep loving you...asking for nothing in return. I am grateful to you in all sort of way. You told me what love is all about...care is all about....

Sugar...

If I do not capture these sparkling, awe inspiring moments of my life in words, that'd be the greatest crime done to love by mankind :)...I was a different me before I met him...and I am a transformed me when in his company...have you ever blushed? Have you ever found a cup of tea so musical? And someone's word so lyrical...and smile so magical? I don't know why life gives me such moments, which must have been rare on earth, since Adam and Eve's times, not a couple have been so happy together, at least not the girl in the couple. I find undefined happiness when by his side...I stammer, I become beet red upto my cheek, yet yet these are the moments which can make me overcome everything negative that has happened in my life or perhaps are yet to happen. And I am myself, talking aloud about my deafness...and telling him that I can hardly hear half of what he tells. I remember his words, a song is no song 'til you sing it....and it is for me, for whoever, I care a damn...Just wanted to let you know that I am singing....o what serenity music has...and what peace your mind feels when atlast you know...the man of your dreams is with you.

Spare one moment for only the two of us...

Where did those days of happiness fade away? Where did those moments go when very subtly you used to tell me that you care? All of a sudden all smile of my life seems to have faded away...the smile which you had brought....that day I was telling you na, they say that days of happiness are short and days of grief are long...but to me its one and the same. You asked me what I mean by this...the time I spend with you is happy or sad, and I replied that I don't know myself...that is one bitter truth of my life...when I had written here that I want you to avoid me, hate me....I never thought how much I will miss those fun filled days. Whom are you trying to adapt to that which is inevitable? Me or yourself? Should I think you are happy doing all these? For you were smiling away? Then who in the group smiles more than me? My never ending smile has become the topic of joke among everyone. But does that mean that I am happy? I feel you near my heart...what should I do...I don't like anything...I feel a strange aloofness from life...I just keep longing for you...and want nothing else. I can't live like this....can't take the pain anymore....Do whatever else, but don't ignore me like this...I just want to shout to the world that I love you. I want my family, our child. I want our love to get a culmination. Ohh my life why did I ever love you so much...why did I ever dream. Why did you fuel that dream?

Water water everywhere....

How was the tour? Simply put...it was not how I expected it to be...I really expected his love to come out in even more intensified way in the tour. Nothing of that sort happened. He was just neutral. I couldn't find any emotion in him. Or I couldn't read it? Don't want to debate on this...as I am tired of dreaming. What's the use of dreaming when no dream would ever come true.
I am really hurt with his behavior. Both of us know perfectly well that never can we give any conclusion to our love. So if for one day we could live like lovers what could have gone wrong? Just wanted to be in the sea with him. He was close to me, yet I couldn't touch him. He sent me off on jet ski with his friend. I just wanted to cling onto my darling and enjoy the speed. But anyways I enjoyed. I floated in the sea. I dreamt to the ultimate extent. A stupid girl and her stupid dreams. That we are like each other. In the way we prepare food, in the way we cared for the baby together...but u stupid girl, why would he atall care for you.

You know very well that I went to the tour for you. And you gave me the very minimum attention. I didn't feel bad at all, as all were so nice. But my romanticism was badly hurt. Very badly...