There was one particularly tough time -
This is what I wrote then, and anyone would understand my agony:
I shall not sleep...
Until and unless I know that he is fine, I won't sleep...
I don't know what made me become so hell bent on this...
Why couldn't he have been a little more careful...why he had to let out the secret so openly...
It is like...I am knowingly committing a crime repeatedly...and I am hell bent on continuing it...
As if it is the only way...
To know how double faced he can be...
What does this sum up to?
I don't trust the person I love? I don't have faith in him?
Faith is something I don't have...period
And he has to understand this...
He has to understand my insecurities...
How I have been cheated repeatedly...
Well...though this was not far back...but I have changed considerably. I have started having more faith in God's intentions about my life. Wherever life takes me, I hope both the path and the destination would be good only. You cannot do anything better than that...thinking positive is the only thing in your hand...in such tough times.
Well...to be frank, Kolkata is good. The climate is wonderful. 25 degree C is unimaginable at this point in time. One full day, all 5 of us (me, bro, dad, mom and gran) stayed together after 2010 October. It was this wonderful family reunion. House is being colored and it looks so bright and lovely. With the occasional rain, the park looks so lush green. I don't know how early the decision will be taken about my trip to Prague. And how long I'd need to stay. It's fine...I am happy about anything that happens...I have seasoned myself that way.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Jitne hum tthe kareeb...utni nazdeek thhi duriyaan...
I am now 90% sure that death is approaching. Try as I might, I won't be able to survive. I don't want to create pressure on him, I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I can predict my fate also. I just won't be able to handle it this time. I am not a sand bag that I can handle these many blows. If the trust breaks this time, that would be the end of me.
I guess it is also part of destiny that as I collapse, I finally make a laughing stock out of myself. I will fail miserably in my work - if what I am dreading finally happens. God, I won't be able to take it. Don't do this to me.
I don't know how to console myself. I am crying incessantly. I just can't stop crying. Why this had to happen. I probably could have survived in my loneliness, but after being with him, if I am to lose him, I won't be able to survive.
I can not be patient in these circumstances. I have seen evil happening to me, time and again. I can not trust him. Why am I being so weak? Just this Sunday, we were becoming closer than ever, all the while as he traveled, we kept talking through sms's. What happened all of a sudden? Will things become normal ever again?
I guess it is also part of destiny that as I collapse, I finally make a laughing stock out of myself. I will fail miserably in my work - if what I am dreading finally happens. God, I won't be able to take it. Don't do this to me.
I don't know how to console myself. I am crying incessantly. I just can't stop crying. Why this had to happen. I probably could have survived in my loneliness, but after being with him, if I am to lose him, I won't be able to survive.
I can not be patient in these circumstances. I have seen evil happening to me, time and again. I can not trust him. Why am I being so weak? Just this Sunday, we were becoming closer than ever, all the while as he traveled, we kept talking through sms's. What happened all of a sudden? Will things become normal ever again?
Monday, April 2, 2012
What now?
What now? I don't know.
I can vaguely remember the time when I landed. The day. From early morning. October 13, 2011. Getting up at the break of dawn, getting ready, waiting outside my apartment, scared whether the taxi will turn up in time.
The check in and immigration was hassle free, as it usually is...in Europe. I was more or less comfortable, seated in the lounge, observing people...and feeling happy sad...my usual favorite feeling...then boarded the flight to Paris, it got delayed, tension in mind...changing terminals in CDG, and then finally, waiting in the huge serpentine queue for boarding the flight. I started making friends right from there. First an entrepreneur guy who has his own website, then some US based engineer, who was my neighbor. I discovered that the latter was a Sagittarian, and we became in-flight brother and sister :) :)
After the long flight, got down in Bangalore almost at midnight. Bro had as usual come up to receive me. Reached home and slept off after having a short chat with mom.
Next day was my so called in-transit leave. Woke up late, and started calling friends. Smitha I remember, some other folks were also there. Then, towards noon, I sms'ed him. His usual dialogue, "100 years for you...just came to pantry to call you up". He said he'd come over at night.
Did I foresee the whirlwind that was to come up? The dream come true events. The heart breaks and the exhilaration? The last 5 and a 1/2 months have been different. Unlike the usual time of my life, there was a purpose. I complained, I cried, and I laughed...and today I realize, this was life. I really don't know if ever I will get this time back. Ever again in life.
Cut shot, and we come to March 31, 2012. Once on Thavereke Main Road, I burst into tears. He also got agitated. Pinched my legs, rubbed my hands, tried comforting me in all ways that are possible while driving a bike. And he laughed. "Recession is a state of mind"...the goodbye was short...I held his hand and said, take care... He said, "Show Off"...I got angry and said, "I am not showing off"...and he smiled and drove away.
I don't know when we'll meet next. At this point in time, I don't hope anything. Let alone, staying together for the rest of our lives, I don't even know whether I will be able to meet him alone, in person, ever again.
The emptiness stings...I don't exactly feel miserable, as there is too much happiness that true love brings. But, I have recoiled. In my own shell. I breathe sparingly. And when I laugh, I look sad. I am rather lost, but trying to cope up. For some unknown reason, I can't demand permanence in life. I can't demand...but he can give me...if he wants...
That's all I have. This hope against hopes...
I can vaguely remember the time when I landed. The day. From early morning. October 13, 2011. Getting up at the break of dawn, getting ready, waiting outside my apartment, scared whether the taxi will turn up in time.
The check in and immigration was hassle free, as it usually is...in Europe. I was more or less comfortable, seated in the lounge, observing people...and feeling happy sad...my usual favorite feeling...then boarded the flight to Paris, it got delayed, tension in mind...changing terminals in CDG, and then finally, waiting in the huge serpentine queue for boarding the flight. I started making friends right from there. First an entrepreneur guy who has his own website, then some US based engineer, who was my neighbor. I discovered that the latter was a Sagittarian, and we became in-flight brother and sister :) :)
After the long flight, got down in Bangalore almost at midnight. Bro had as usual come up to receive me. Reached home and slept off after having a short chat with mom.
Next day was my so called in-transit leave. Woke up late, and started calling friends. Smitha I remember, some other folks were also there. Then, towards noon, I sms'ed him. His usual dialogue, "100 years for you...just came to pantry to call you up". He said he'd come over at night.
Did I foresee the whirlwind that was to come up? The dream come true events. The heart breaks and the exhilaration? The last 5 and a 1/2 months have been different. Unlike the usual time of my life, there was a purpose. I complained, I cried, and I laughed...and today I realize, this was life. I really don't know if ever I will get this time back. Ever again in life.
Cut shot, and we come to March 31, 2012. Once on Thavereke Main Road, I burst into tears. He also got agitated. Pinched my legs, rubbed my hands, tried comforting me in all ways that are possible while driving a bike. And he laughed. "Recession is a state of mind"...the goodbye was short...I held his hand and said, take care... He said, "Show Off"...I got angry and said, "I am not showing off"...and he smiled and drove away.
I don't know when we'll meet next. At this point in time, I don't hope anything. Let alone, staying together for the rest of our lives, I don't even know whether I will be able to meet him alone, in person, ever again.
The emptiness stings...I don't exactly feel miserable, as there is too much happiness that true love brings. But, I have recoiled. In my own shell. I breathe sparingly. And when I laugh, I look sad. I am rather lost, but trying to cope up. For some unknown reason, I can't demand permanence in life. I can't demand...but he can give me...if he wants...
That's all I have. This hope against hopes...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A not so good poem...
The glow, it went from my face,
The bounce and cheer…there’s no trace.
As if I feel there’s something amiss -
Your absence hurts, there’s no peace.
The dullness is in stark contrast,
To the soulful banter and outburst
Of emotions, laughter, giggles and pain –
That comes naturally in your company,
The surge of life, obvious and uncanny.
It’s not about loss…neither gain,
I need you for my existence.
Walking by you…as it rains…
As storm comes…as sun shines…
In all those moments that life defines
As important or not so prime.
The intense times and the ones sublime -
I want to spend all that with you.
Do call me back…let me live anew…
The bounce and cheer…there’s no trace.
As if I feel there’s something amiss -
Your absence hurts, there’s no peace.
The dullness is in stark contrast,
To the soulful banter and outburst
Of emotions, laughter, giggles and pain –
That comes naturally in your company,
The surge of life, obvious and uncanny.
It’s not about loss…neither gain,
I need you for my existence.
Walking by you…as it rains…
As storm comes…as sun shines…
In all those moments that life defines
As important or not so prime.
The intense times and the ones sublime -
I want to spend all that with you.
Do call me back…let me live anew…
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The dreaded time...
Like all girls, I too dreamt of a life. Which I never got. The time has come. To prepare for a journey that takes me away from my dreams. Dreams that were anyways not mine. I have done too many mistakes in life to deserve something good.
I don't want to go away from you...can you help?
I don't want to go away from you...can you help?
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Discovering him...
My friends would be frustrated with me. Even I'd be. I am not a suitable person for this role. I am selfish. Typically selfish. I demand things for myself, though I never get them. It is so not in my blood to give give and never to expect anything in return.
But then, typically, how does the happiness linger like this? I have never been so happy in life. Not even on that day in Bintan. No. This is a different happiness. A swelling happiness that emerges from your soul. Can't describe it in words.
The last week, with its numerous shades, has been illuminating to say the least. It is not just light, it's an aura. I know, the light might not stay. Darkness might return. But the full moon we saw together, on Holi night, will always remain etched on my mind.
Today I strongly believe, everything in life is predetermined. God always has a plan. Rest is up to us.
But then, typically, how does the happiness linger like this? I have never been so happy in life. Not even on that day in Bintan. No. This is a different happiness. A swelling happiness that emerges from your soul. Can't describe it in words.
The last week, with its numerous shades, has been illuminating to say the least. It is not just light, it's an aura. I know, the light might not stay. Darkness might return. But the full moon we saw together, on Holi night, will always remain etched on my mind.
Today I strongly believe, everything in life is predetermined. God always has a plan. Rest is up to us.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Happiness is a state of mind...
I can't explain how relaxed I feel today. I don't have a single weight on my heart. No misgiving, no apprehension.
Andy used to say...do your best and leave the rest. In fact he was so smitten with this, that he set it as the start up text in his mobile. And then, my bossie used to say, well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. Fine then, I have followed my two good friends of the past, and done what they believed in. I have done my best, and now I resort to silence.
Who said I can't live alone? My books and my music will never leave my side. They are inseparable friends of mine. It's not like I don't feel lonely, but I have learnt to shove aside my loneliness. If this is my destiny, then I accept my life this way itself. I cannot do anything more God dammit...
I leave everything to God...
And ya...forgot to tell you...I'm smitten with this song these days...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNhzEs3DzUk
Andy used to say...do your best and leave the rest. In fact he was so smitten with this, that he set it as the start up text in his mobile. And then, my bossie used to say, well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. Fine then, I have followed my two good friends of the past, and done what they believed in. I have done my best, and now I resort to silence.
Who said I can't live alone? My books and my music will never leave my side. They are inseparable friends of mine. It's not like I don't feel lonely, but I have learnt to shove aside my loneliness. If this is my destiny, then I accept my life this way itself. I cannot do anything more God dammit...
I leave everything to God...
And ya...forgot to tell you...I'm smitten with this song these days...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNhzEs3DzUk
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