Selfish...

No, I don't really love anyone. I am finally a real zombie. I know not how to love. Moreover I don't even have that fear factor of loss as well. I have been extremely apprehensive about death so long. Now that I have met death face to face, I have learnt that there's no point being wary of it. I can't escape my fate. They talk of sand that slips through one's palm. Everything on earth seems like that.

Yes, I wanted life to follow a certain track. I wanted to live a romantic life. I tried to create my bubble and live in it even though the world tried to coax me out of my illusions. And now I have accepted my loneliness. Everything, every damn thing that I ever cared for has to be snatched away from me and that's the only truth of my life. Without any exception.

I have never dared to dream like this. With no hope of the dream ever coming true, I went crazy. Probably because of his own way of thinking which made him my mirror image. It was easy for me to live life for a bit. Even when I had to face death so suddenly, his presence made it easier for me. His antics made me smile even amid this crisis. I felt that long forgotten sensation of intense joy. And now it is lost forever. I just felt him, not the real him, he was never there anyway, but the pseudo him who I had started believing as my lover, simply walk out of my life. Probably he merged with his actual self to live his own proper, everything-in-place life. He's just not with me anymore. Nobody will understand this earth-shattering grief in my mind for a virtually non-existent being. No key would fit in that can turn around my life. Try as I might, it will just degrade and degenerate. There's no respite. I have tried my best to keep myself strong, but now I can vividly see that one corner of mental asylum where my life's going to end.

The first sneeze of love, 

Your first thought of me, 

And then I realize , 

How soon love dies. 

Depression, suppression, 

Superstitious oppression, 

My sorrow shouldn't enter - 

Your realm of glee. 

Your happiness should avoid 

The darkness in me. 

Today I simply mourn the extremely promising life I could have had. I don't know for which fault of mine I lost it. All I know is I refuse to struggle anymore for that tiny bit of happiness that will never come.

I am sorry I can't be happy for you. I never really loved you right. I loved that soul within you that's lost, like me. Now that you'll live a nice normal happy life, and you don't really need to inculcate that sense of loss, I feel lonely again. Call me selfish...I don't mind. Actually, I don't have a mind anymore...

Actually...and I am writing this because in my imagination you read my blog, you are indeed a wonderful person, the fault is with me (like you say). I tried to dream about us when both of us were in a hapless condition. But I simply don't have the strength to weave yet another far fetched anecdote of you going on loving me even when your circumstances have improved. Why should you? All of us crave for better days and we should wholeheartedly enjoy them when they come. You shouldn't stay stuck up with me, not in these good days of yours. When my own grief could have given me some way of consoling you in your dismal state of mind, I had some remote role to play in your life. Not any more...even my imagination can't be that irrational.

PS - I am not that much selfish, am I?